Someone unhappy about my true crime book - NOT looking for legal advice

[Unimportant]

I'll say it. NOT POSSIBLE. Your family member has been brutally murdered, you discover first hand, or through a friend, that their death has been sensationalized into a book. How does one not feel retraumatized? It's not possible.

(Though if someone would be kind enough to murder my mother, I would not be traumatised. I'd thank them, endlessly, and be forever grateful. But that's probably not applicable here.)

 

[mccardey]

...I guess what part of anger and hurt makes you think that this person hasn't been retraumatized? Like, what possible scenario? Are they a sociopath that is not upset about their family member's death but simply mad that they didn't get the fame of being featured in a local book? Is that a genuine possibility? I don't think so.

I'll say it. NOT POSSIBLE. Your family member has been brutally murdered, you discover first hand, or through a friend, that their death has been sensationalized into a book. How does one not feel retraumatized? It's not possible.

Well - One, the person hasn't claimed to be retraumatized, so I'd accept their own statement before I diagnosed them or pathologised them, or claimed responses on their behalf . Two, I did have a cousin brutally murdered when I was young teen, and I honestly couldn't say that reading any of the articles or books about the case traumatised or retraumatised me, perhaps because I've stayed away from anything that sensationalised or 're-imagined' the actual murder; but then I tend to stay away from that kind of stuff anyway because I do find it unsettling.

I'm not in any way denying your experience or your reactions or your views or your responses here. I also made sure to mention inter-generational trauma as a thing that exists. I'm just saying that retraumatization is not, as stated here, a thing that the relative has claimed.

She might claim it, I don't know. But reportedly she hasn't, here.

 

[mccardey]

...I guess what part of anger and hurt makes you think that this person hasn't been retraumatized?

Anger and hurt do not equal trauma.

 

[Lime-Yay]

Anger and hurt do not equal trauma.

In this context, how do they not? The event happened 75 years ago, and this made them feel angry and hurt.

 

[Helix]

A very close relative of mine was murdered when I was young. If I'd found there was a book about him, I wouldn't be (re)traumatised but I'd be absolutely fkn livid that someone had stuck their nose into family business without the grace of talking to me first. But I am a sociopath, so ymmv.

 

[mccardey]

In this context, how do they not? The event happened 75 years ago, and this made them feel angry and hurt.

Because trauma is not the same as being angry and hurt. I'm sorry, it just isn't.

I'm going to step away from this thread because honestly it's not meant to be a definitional thread about trauma.

 

[Bitterboots]

35 years ago, my 18 year niece was murdered by her step father. My ex husband and I had been made her guardians when she was a minor after that asshole had raped her and her stupid mom kicked her out of the house when my niece tried to tell her. I remember getting the call, that she'd gone back home because she was worried about her sister, and he raped her again, then killed her and her mother. It was a huge story in the news at the time, because during the manhunt for him he committed suicide. So I completely understand how horrified that woman must have been to find a book detailing the murder of her loved one. I would be completely re-traumatized to read about my niece's death, even though it happened so long ago.

I think this is a really important thread but I can't tell really why you asked the question. You sound more upset that your partner didn't do the job you asked of her, which took up nearly the whole post.
You mention compassion but I don't see any.
If you're worried you're going to look bad, don't contact the woman. You believe you're off the hook anyway.
If you truly care about her feelings then reach out. But when you talk to her you should have your tail between your legs. You should take full responsibility and you should let her say anything she wants to you and keep your mouth tightly closed. Then you should say thank you.

 

[lilysheaven]

Basically echoing what everyone else is saying, but I urge you not to contact the woman. Especially if you don't plan on changing anything in the book. If you want to be okay with the book the way it is even if it's hurtful to her (and factually incorrect?) then so be it, but there's no reason you need to put her through that.

 

[Maryn]

Mod hat in hand--don't make me put it on, people.

This thread isn't about other people's experiences and trauma in similar situations. Let's stick to the OP's situation and their question.

Thanks.

 

[RedRajah]

(Though if someone would be kind enough to murder my mother, I would not be traumatised. I'd thank them, endlessly, and be forever grateful. But that's probably not applicable here.)

(Unless they framed you for it)

But yeah, if you're involved in the true crime genre, it behooves one to be ethical in performing due diligence.

 

[Catriona Grace]

Can you say inadvertently if you actually wrote and published a whole book about someone's relative? That would strike non-American me as very - disingenuous.

Perhaps it would be a disingenous statement in Australia, but in America, inadvertently means without intent. If there was no intent to cause harm or distress through an action, then yes, one can say with utmost sincerity, I'm sorry I inadvertently caused you distress.

True crime, biography, etc. is written about people. Most people have relatives. It isn't an investigative writer's responsibility to check out the trauma levels of all relative, to ask for a family's permission to write about a crime, or to submit the book to relatives for approval before publication. It is, however, an investigative writer's responsibility to do an thorough investigation, which apparently wasn't done in this case, leading to the relative's legitimate protest and the writer's request for ways to respond to that protest with compassion.

 

[CMBright]

Perhaps it would be a disingenous statement in Australia, but in America, inadvertently means without intent. If there was no intent to cause harm or distress through an action, then yes, one can say with utmost sincerity, I'm sorry I inadvertently caused you distress.

True crime, biography, etc. is written about people. Most people have relatives. It isn't an investigative writer's responsibility to check out the trauma levels of all relative, to ask for a family's permission to write about a crime, or to submit the book to relatives for approval before publication. It is, however, an investigative writer's responsibility to do an thorough investigation, which apparently wasn't done in this case, leading to the relative's legitimate protest and the writer's request for ways to respond to that protest with compassion.

I keep thinking of the news type dramas and "names have been changed..." That might be one way to deal with the ethics of stories about people with descendants who might not be aware or who might not want the connection known.

 

[Catriona Grace]

I keep thinking of the news type dramas and "names have been changed..." That might be one way to deal with the ethics of stories about people with descendants who might not be aware or who might not want the connection known.

It is a kind thought. One could also write the story as fiction "based on a true story." Either way, people who were involved even peripherally in the case will recognize the story, and poof goes anonymity among those who care the most.

 

[CMBright]

It is a kind thought. One could also write the story as fiction "based on a true story." Either way, people who were involved even peripherally in the case will recognize the story, and poof goes anonymity among those who care the most.

I thought I was in @Woollybear's very similar thread. Given the work in this thread is already out and the damage is already done, I'm not sure how the original poster would best approach the situation.

 

[Woollybear]

I started that thread to avoid disrupting this one ... because I thought since we are discussing this, people might have similar thoughts for that--my in-progress HF (which does not revolve around murder).

Anyway. This one is Denise's thread. Thank you, though, @CMBright , for the post. I made a mental note of your comments.

 

[Denise Tanaka]

Update - I am taking all of the comments to heart. This failure is on me -- thinking that a 1949 murder was enough time and distance.

I've responded to the person who reached out to me, thanked them for the message, apologized for causing distress. I'm hoping to open a dialog and go from there.