Entry #25 - Beta Project 2014

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: Legend's End
Manuscript Genre: Epic Fantasy
Manuscript Word Count: expected 115K (presently @100K)
Is your manuscript finished?: N

Hook:

The rulers of Aldidd trust their Reborn King to save them. For generations, they have neglected the army. War wizards are banned. When their hereditary foe invades, the Reborn King has only his Immortal Warrior to aide him. Then the King is murdered on the eve of battle. How will he save his people now?

First 750 words:

Sullore never thought he'd resent watching the moon rise. He could see its ascent clearly through the opening in the cave wall. Its fullness washed over the farmlands outside of the city, highlighting the massive rise of the King's Carn and, finally, hinting at the distant foothills. The landscape taunted freedom. As the light grew brighter, it sliced through the darkness of the prison floor.

This was Sullore's sixth time knowing judgment might well come with the dawn. Repetition made it no easier. There was no guarantee there would be another reprieve, and he refused to expect one. Sullore knew the crimes he was accused of, knew his actions, and knew the judgment was out of his control. He would die or live at the word of the yet-unknown queen, whenever she took the Crystal Throne.

The one thing he knew was that a new queen must take power under the fullness of the moon. Sullore stared through the opening to the outside world so far below and looked up at the softly glowing disk rising over the distant mountains from where he sat. Though he'd seen this many times before, something felt different about tonight. Tonight would be the end of his waiting. Of all their waiting.

He glanced around at the two hundred or so men sharing the cave-prison. He had been there the longest, but the number of criminals had increased far beyond his expectations over the last several months. Sullore suspected a few were guilty of nothing more than offending someone of position. Others were likely guilty of crimes far more heinous than what they were accused. The majority, like himself, could be condemned by the letter of the law, but not the intent. He did not know how the Queen's Justice worked, but he felt they all would come the morning.

"Do think tonight's the night?" a quiet voice asked.

He glanced over at the youth standing near him. Joaw had seen two other full moons and had asked the same question each time. "Do you think the answer will be different tonight?"

"That 'no one can know'?" Joaw shrugged. "Do you think it makes a difference?"

"To me, no. To you, perhaps. To anyone else--does it matter?"

"Why shouldn't it matter?"

Sullore leaned back against the cave wall and smiled at the youth. "We are here because of crimes against noble society. Noble society cares nothing for us. You should realize that. I was a physician, a man of prominence, after all." He shook his head wryly. "Importance merely makes you vulnerable to those ignorant fools who envy and hate you."

"I don't believe that." Joaw stood and moved closer to the edge, a hand against the wall, to look out. "I think when you step out of your proper place, that's when you fall."

"You thinking of falling, boy?" Nalbel taunted.

Joaw looked at the speaker and tensed. Sullore quickly realized how vulnerable the youth was where he stood with no one between himself and the opening. Nalbel started to his feet, the moonlight clearly showing the predatory grin on his face. Sullore shifted, preparing to intercept if needed. There was nothing but a deadly drop onto the sharp rocks of the Yer-kelit River far below. Some preferred that to facing the Queen's Judgment, and no one would stop someone from choosing it.

"Seat yourself, Nalbel," Sullore instructed. Nalbel was one of the arrivals in the last month and too full of his own importance. Sullore's voice echoed slightly in the prison, adding weight to his words. "'Tis the Eve of Judgment. Let the boy have his stand, though if you want to leap and save the queen the trouble, it would be a considerable service to all."

Nalbel turned towards him, his nostrils flaring. He wasn't a big man, but he was more massive than Sullore, and certainly more cross.

Around them, other prisoners shifted, preparing for impending confrontation. Sullore knew there would be no interruptions from the guard outside the door, just a causal order to dump bodies over the edge when it was finished. He glanced around, gauging friend and foe. There were plenty of both to be had, but his attention was drawn to movement from the deepest shadows.

Nalbel took a step closer toward him, pulling Sullore's gaze back. Sullore didn't straighten, choosing the show of confidence over caution. Several men stepped forward to block the attack. Few others stirred, eyeing each other for their own potential opponents. Nalbel paused, judging the mix and seeing that those wanting a fight as he did were outnumbered.

Sullore smiled grimly.

What do you look for in a beta?:

I'm looking for a beta-reader in the sense of a beta-tester--read the book as you would something you picked up at a store. Where did you laugh? What surprised you? What worked? What sucked? Where did you want to throw it against the wall? What made you want to put it on your keeper shelf?

I see getting comments as the opening of a discussion about the book, so many emails and/or a chat (or more) will follow, so don't be surprised that there's more after the thanks.

Note: LGBT characters and situations in this novel (nothing graphic)

 

[Sage]

Beta Project #25
Novel Name: Legend's End

Hi there -

I really enjoyed this opener. There's a great sense of tension and anticipation. Sullore sounds like an interesting character (he reminds me a bit of Sabatini's Captain Blood) and I would be interested in reading more about him and the world you're unveiling.

I had only a few "whaat?" moments when reading, and I've marked them and other comments in red below, e.g. several places where your sentence structure isn't helping with clarity. Overall, though, I would read more of this. Thanks for sharing!


Sullore never thought he'd resent watching the moon rise. He could see its ascent clearly through the opening in the cave wall. (Here's my big issue with this setting: I thought there was only a small crack or hole in the cave wall, and wondered how Sullore was seeing all this. I realized much later that he's actually looking through a much larger opening - more of a cave mouth than just an opening in the wall. You might want to clarify earlier.) Its fullness washed over the farmlands outside of the city, highlighting the massive rise of the King's Carn and, finally, hinting at the distant foothills. The landscape taunted freedom. (This was a "whaat?" moment. I know what you're trying to say here, but this is phrased awkwardly.) As the light grew brighter, it sliced through the darkness of the prison floor.

This was Sullore's sixth time knowing judgment might well come with the dawn. Repetition made it no easier. There was no guarantee there would be another reprieve, and he refused to expect one. (Again, I know what you're saying here, but the construction is awkward.) Sullore knew the crimes he was accused of, knew his actions, and knew the judgment was out of his control. He would die or live at the word of the yet-unknown queen, whenever she took the Crystal Throne. (Great stuff, setting up the situation neatly.)

The one thing he knew was that a new queen must take power under the fullness of the moon. Sullore stared through the opening to the outside world so far below and looked up at the softly glowing disk rising over the distant mountains from where he sat. (I think you could lose this clause. It's not adding anything.) Though he'd seen this many times before, something felt different about tonight. Tonight would be the end of his waiting. Of all their waiting.

He glanced around at the two hundred or so men sharing the cave-prison. He had been there the longest, but the number of criminals had increased far beyond his expectations over the last several months. Sullore suspected a few were guilty of nothing more than offending someone of position. Others were likely guilty of crimes far more heinous than what they were accused.(Awkward.) The majority, like himself, could be condemned by the letter of the law, but not the intent. He did not know how the Queen's Justice worked, but he felt they all would come the morning. (I had to read this sentence twice to make sense of it.) (I think this whole section could be tightened up and the description of the other inmates pared down to one or two sentences.)

"Do think tonight's the night?" a quiet voice asked.

He glanced over at the youth standing near him. Joaw had seen two other full moons and had asked the same question each time. "Do you think the answer will be different tonight?"

"That 'no one can know'?" Joaw shrugged. "Do you think it makes a difference?"

"To me, no. To you, perhaps. To anyone else--does it matter?"

"Why shouldn't it matter?" (I had trouble telling who was saying what through this exchange. I couldn't tell if "Joaw shrugged" indicated his response to Sullore, or if it was a form of dialogue tag. A simple "xxx said" would help orient the order of the exchange.)

Sullore leaned back against the cave wall and smiled at the youth. "We are here because of crimes against noble society. Noble society cares nothing for us. You should realize that. I was a physician, a man of prominence, after all." He shook his head wryly. "Importance merely makes you vulnerable to those ignorant fools who envy and hate you."

"I don't believe that." Joaw stood and moved closer to the edge, a hand against the wall, to look out. (This was when I finally realized Sullore hadn't been looking out through a hole in the wall, but was actually on a precipice.) "I think when you step out of your proper place, that's when you fall."

"You thinking of falling, boy?" Nalbel taunted.

Joaw looked at the speaker and tensed. Sullore quickly realized how vulnerable the youth was where he stood with no one between himself and the opening. (Phrasing kind of clunky here.) Nalbel started to his feet, the moonlight clearly showing the predatory grin on his face. Sullore shifted, preparing to intercept if needed. There was nothing but a deadly drop onto the sharp rocks of the Yer-kelit River far below. Some preferred that to facing the Queen's Judgment, and no one would stop someone from choosing it.

"Seat yourself, Nalbel," Sullore instructed. Nalbel was one of the arrivals in the last month and too full of his own importance. Sullore's voice echoed slightly in the prison, adding weight to his words. "'Tis the Eve of Judgment. Let the boy have his stand, though if you want to leap and save the queen the trouble, it would be a considerable service to all."

Nalbel turned towards him, his nostrils flaring. He wasn't a big man, but he was more massive than Sullore, and certainly more cross.

Around them, other prisoners shifted, preparing for impending confrontation. Sullore knew there would be no interruptions from the guard outside the door, just a causal order to dump bodies over the edge when it was finished. He glanced around, gauging friend and foe. There were plenty of both to be had, but his attention was drawn to movement from the deepest shadows.

Nalbel took a step closer toward him, pulling Sullore's gaze back. Sullore didn't straighten, choosing the show of confidence over caution. (Not sure what this means.) Several men stepped forward to block the attack. Few others stirred, eyeing each other for their own potential opponents. Nalbel paused, judging the mix and seeing that those wanting a fight as he did were outnumbered.

Sullore smiled grimly.

 

[Sage]

Here is my beta for entry 25

Manuscript Title: Legend's End

I think your query (hook) needs some work. Is your novel about the reborn king or his immortal protector? Who is the main character of your novel? Also, what sets this epic fantasy story apart from the rest? An agent is going to look at your query and not see anything that isn’t already in print. What I’m getting at is that you need to tell the reader why your story is different from any number of epic fantasy novels that sound quite similar to what you have written, especially at over 100k words.

Also, check your words…I don’t know what you mean by hereditary foe – hereditary usually refers to something passed via bloodlines. If you mean something like an ages-old enemy, look for a better way to say it.
You also say the “rulers of Aldidd” trust their king. Wouldn’t the king be the ruler? Perhaps saying the people of Aldidd would be better?

Name a main character or two. All we have to go on is a king and a protector.
Finally, who are war wizards? I Googled it and found some stuff, but an Agent won’t do that. Avoid using terms like that in your hook. No need to get so specific anyway. Give us the broad overview, not the details. Never assume an agent, editor, or publisher will know as much about your genre as you do.

As for your 750 words:

An interesting opening, but who is Sullore? You can wait and give backstory later, but tell us something in the hook (back cover) about a character we can follow.

I do like that you started your novel with a bit of conflict. Whether or not there is actually a fight in that prison doesn’t matter – there apparently have been fights in the past and there are competing egos, so good conflict there.
I also like how you start the story in the prison. We are introduced to your world in a very dark and cruel place. We the reader know that bad things can and will happen. We know that your story will have rough characters and survival will be dependent on the ability of your characters toughness.

Wish you the best of luck!

 

[Sage]

Entry # 25

I’m finding the hook a little bit impersonal and distant. There’s some political stuff, but not much to give us a compelling protagonist with a strong emotional drive. I’m unclear who the protagonist is - only two characters are mentioned and both are only given titles, not names, which suggests that they may be just background political figures. This makes it tricky for me to get excited about the story. Could we make this more personal?

I’m also asking myself whether being murdered is meaningful to a Reborn King. Has he died permanently or will he just be reborn? Without context, I’m not sure whether it’s unusual for him to die - his title suggests that cycles of death and rebirth might be normal?

The first 750 words are clear and vivid, and the viewpoint character’s predicament is alarming, but I worry that this is a status quo scene where nothing unexpected or exciting has happened. Everything is just the same as it has been for the last six months, night after night, full moon after full moon. There’s some suggestion that “something felt different” tonight, so maybe something unusual might happen (or not) at some point later in the scene, but I’m not feeling 100% compelled to read on. At the moment it seems like everything is totally normal. I’m unsure if or when the plot will kick in.

I want to fall in love with this entry since I’m all about the LGBT characters, but I’m not feeling it right now.

PS: I’d be concerned that the prison open to the sky at one side with a huge drop onto rocks may be seen as drawing too heavily from the sky cells at the Eyrie in George RR Martin’s A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE. It was described quite memorably in the books and also featured in the TV series not long ago.

 

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: Legend's End

Hook:

The rulers of Aldidd trust their Reborn King to save them. For generations, they have neglected the army. War wizards are banned. When their hereditary foe invades, the Reborn King has only his Immortal Warrior to aide ["aid"] him. Then the King is murdered on the eve of battle. How will he save his people now?

I admit I found this hook confusing -- what's the relationship between the Reborn King and the other rulers? Who's this Immortal Warrior who seems the be the real only hope, rather than the King, and why isn't he enough if everyone apparently expected him to be? Is the "he" who's the savior in the last sentence the Reborn King? Is he supposed to be able save people because he's alive again, having been reborn (since if he's dead for good, obviously the answer is that he can't)? Then is it an issue that he was murdered at all? I just ended up with a bunch of questions because I think there's a little too much knowledge of the setup assumed.

The good news is that your beginning grabbed my attention.

First 750 words:

Sullore never thought he'd resent watching the moon rise. He could see its ascent clearly through the opening in the cave wall. [I kind of want to know if this is a natural opening or man-made -- it would establish the setting more strongly for me.] Its fullness washed over the farmlands outside of the city, highlighting the massive rise of the King's Carn and, finally, hinting at the distant foothills. The landscape taunted freedom. [This is where I sat up. The surroundings are less interesting to me, as they didn't actually present any juicy conflict as far as I knew. Great word here, "taunted."] As the light grew brighter, it sliced through the darkness of the prison floor. ["sliced" is another nice word choice]

This was Sullore's sixth time knowing judgment might well come with the dawn. Repetition made it no easier. [So six moons ago there was a queen, it seems.] There was no guarantee there would be another reprieve, and he refused to expect one. Sullore knew the crimes he was accused of, knew his actions, and knew the judgment was out of his control. [Was left wondering about these things he knows but I don't.] He would die or live at the word of the yet-unknown queen, whenever she took the Crystal Throne.

The one thing he knew was that a new queen must take power under the fullness of the moon. Sullore stared through the opening to the outside world so far below and looked up at the softly glowing disk rising over the distant mountains from where he sat. [To be honest, I found the description in this sentence a bit generic.] Though he'd seen this many times before, something felt different about tonight. Tonight would be the end of his waiting. Of all their waiting.

He glanced around at the two hundred or so men sharing the cave-prison. [I confess my mind immediately leapt to the logistics of sanitation and such. But nice expansion -- almost like a camera pulling back to show all these other people here.] He had been there the longest [nice way to single him out], but the number of criminals had increased far beyond his expectations over the last several months. Sullore suspected a few were guilty of nothing more than offending someone of position. Others were likely guilty of crimes far more heinous than what they were accused ["accused of"]. The majority, like himself, could be condemned by the letter of the law, but not the intent. [I find it interesting that for the first group, he only suspects the reason for their presence, but he seems to have actual knowledge of the last group. I'm probably a cynic, but I'm surprised that only "a few" ran afoul of political clumsiness. And I am very curious as to these laws which are so stringently worded but did not mean to have this effect. But if these laws are so easily broken, should he be so surprised at the number?] He did not know how the Queen's Justice worked [interesting that it's so mysterious], but he felt they all would come the morning.

"Do ["you"] think tonight's the night?" a quiet voice asked.

He glanced over at the youth standing near him. Joaw had seen two other full moons and had asked the same question each time. "Do you think the answer will be different tonight?"

"That 'no one can know'?" Joaw shrugged. "Do you think it makes a difference?" [Is "it" the queen coming to power? It seems a strange question if so, since that means judgment will come.]

"To me, no. [Hmm, why not?] To you, perhaps. To anyone else--does it matter?" [Kind of implies that they aren't on friendly terms with anyone else. At least, I'm not sure why Joaw and Sullore are called out but everyone else is swept into a meaningless group. Or did you just mean that Sullore thinks Joaw should focus on his own beliefs?]

"Why shouldn't it matter?"

Sullore leaned back against the cave wall and smiled at the youth. "We are here because of crimes against noble society. [This struck me as a non-sequitur -- maybe I'm missing something.] Noble society cares nothing for us. You should realize that. I was a physician, a man of prominence, after all." He shook his head wryly. "Importance merely makes you vulnerable to those ignorant fools who envy and hate you." [I'm having trouble with this logic. Noble society sounds kind of snooty here, and yet they apparently are envious of a physician?]

"I don't believe that." Joaw stood and moved closer to the edge, a hand against the wall, to look out. "I think when you step out of your proper place, that's when you fall." [I like this difference of philosophies being exhibited.]

"You thinking of falling, boy?" Nalbel taunted.

Joaw looked at the speaker and tensed. Sullore quickly realized how vulnerable the youth was where he stood with no one between himself and the opening. Nalbel started to his feet, the moonlight clearly showing the predatory grin on his face. Sullore shifted, preparing to intercept if needed. ["intercept" is a transitive verb] There was nothing but a deadly drop onto the sharp rocks of the Yer-kelit River far below. Some preferred that to facing the Queen's Judgment, and no one would stop someone from choosing it. [Yikes. Although...how did they get in here, then?]

"Seat yourself, Nalbel," Sullore instructed. Nalbel was one of the arrivals in the last month and too full of his own importance. [Is there a reason for this? Even saying he was, say, a bigshot merchant would help place this attitude.] Sullore's voice echoed slightly in the prison, adding weight to his words. "'Tis the Eve of Judgment. Let the boy have his stand, though if you want to leap and save the queen the trouble, it would be a considerable service to all."

Nalbel turned towards him, his nostrils flaring. He wasn't a big man, but he was more massive than Sullore [It's a little odd to hear of a man who isn't big called "more massive" -- I think of "massive" as a stronger word than "big." Maybe a word like "larger" or "stronger"?], and certainly more cross. [This sounds like an understatement. Maybe mention an outright temper?]

Around them, other prisoners shifted [Sullore "shifted" earlier; maybe some other verb for variety?], preparing for impending confrontation. Sullore knew there would be no interruptions from the guard [a single guard can hold hundreds of men in?] outside the door, just a causal ["casual"] order to dump bodies over the edge when it was finished. He glanced around, gauging friend and foe. There were plenty of both to be had, but his attention was drawn to movement from the deepest shadows. [Am curious about the source.]

Nalbel took a step closer toward him, pulling Sullore's gaze back. Sullore didn't straighten [Is he not standing straight? Wasn't he preparing to save Joaw from the edge, so didn't he stop leaning against the cave wall?], choosing the show of confidence over caution. Several men stepped forward to block the attack. Few others stirred, eyeing each other for their own potential opponents. Nalbel paused, judging the mix and seeing that those wanting a fight as he did were outnumbered.

Sullore smiled grimly.

General comments:

It might seem from all my nit-picking that I wasn't a fan of this excerpt, but that's not the case! I'm intrigued by the setup, from the missing queen to the delayed punishment and odd laws, to the whole prison dynamic going on in the cave. It's just that I have so many questions! Possibly you go on to answer them after the first 750 words, but I wouldn't mind a little more guidance from the start. There's more description of the outside landscape than inside the cave, for example. The mention of the door startled me.

I like Sullore -- how he stands out as the first occupant, and the confidence he exhibits, which I don't believe is entirely from his time as a physician of some status. As the first, he is in a unique opportunity to know everyone there, and it might be nice to give a few more names and faces to the other prisoners, instead of leaving them as a faceless mass.

It's difficult to tie your hook into any of the excerpt, to be honest, so I really have no idea where you're going with this. The line about the nobles made me think there was some sort of class stratification thing going on, but that -- along with the absent queen -- doesn't seem relevant to the major conflict. So unfortunately I don't have any comments about the larger direction. I do think you have a nice, smaller conflict going on with Nalbel that shows how Sullore handles such situations, with clear foreshadowing of larger events to take place shortly.

Good luck!

 

[DeleyanLee]

Thanks to everyone who looked at my entry. I appreciate all your time and comments.

First off, I suppose I should apologize for the "hook". I was coming down with pneumonia when I sent it off, so I grabbed what my editor had up as a teaser on the website. Thanks to the comments, I'm seeing that it greatly needs to be rewritten now that I have the book almost finished and not just the idea I sold on.

But to address some questions: The Reborn King does reincarnate--but he does so normally, so if he came back the day after he died, he'd be a newborn again and unable to do anything useful for the war. This is explained and dramatized within the course of the story. (And, no, he's not a baby at the start of the book--just unaware that he is the Reborn King.) I'm not getting into names on the back blurb because the identity of the Reborn King is a major plot point. I'll see what I can do when I rewrite it.

An interesting opening, but who is Sullore? You can wait and give backstory later, but tell us something in the hook (back cover) about a character we can follow.

I do like that you started your novel with a bit of conflict. Whether or not there is actually a fight in that prison doesn’t matter – there apparently have been fights in the past and there are competing egos, so good conflict there.
I also like how you start the story in the prison. We are introduced to your world in a very dark and cruel place. We the reader know that bad things can and will happen. We know that your story will have rough characters and survival will be dependent on the ability of your characters toughness.

Wish you the best of luck!

Thanks! I like that the tone is apparent from the get-go. I appreciate the note.

While there is a Hero in this story (The Reborn King), it's more of an ensemble cast of heroes, all of whom are introduced in the first chapter--three of them (including Sullore and Joaw) are in that prison scene.

The first 750 words are clear and vivid, and the viewpoint character’s predicament is alarming, but I worry that this is a status quo scene where nothing unexpected or exciting has happened. Everything is just the same as it has been for the last six months, night after night, full moon after full moon. There’s some suggestion that “something felt different” tonight, so maybe something unusual might happen (or not) at some point later in the scene, but I’m not feeling 100% compelled to read on. At the moment it seems like everything is totally normal. I’m unsure if or when the plot will kick in.

I want to fall in love with this entry since I’m all about the LGBT characters, but I’m not feeling it right now.

The plot actually does kick in immediately, however the first scene is about 1100 words long, so you only got a chunk of it in the snippet. I wonder if you'd be more willing to keep reading it you had the entire chapter at hand and didn't have to stop? I've often found that to be hard to judge with snippets.

PS: I’d be concerned that the prison open to the sky at one side with a huge drop onto rocks may be seen as drawing too heavily from the sky cells at the Eyrie in George RR Martin’s A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE. It was described quite memorably in the books and also featured in the TV series not long ago.

Dankers, I've never read or watched GOT, so I had no clue. I'll see about making it more obvious that it's really a whole in the wall of a tunnel up the side of a mountain.

General comments:

It might seem from all my nit-picking that I wasn't a fan of this excerpt, but that's not the case! I'm intrigued by the setup, from the missing queen to the delayed punishment and odd laws, to the whole prison dynamic going on in the cave. It's just that I have so many questions! Possibly you go on to answer them after the first 750 words, but I wouldn't mind a little more guidance from the start. There's more description of the outside landscape than inside the cave, for example. The mention of the door startled me.

Hurray for questions! And all the ones you mentioned are ones I hoped I was asking. Yes, you get answers, some of them within the last 400 words of the scene, more before the end of the chapter--but the art of storytelling, IMO, is the ability to balance how many questions the readers are asking to how many answers they're getting. Thanks so much for confirming this for me!

I like Sullore -- how he stands out as the first occupant, and the confidence he exhibits, which I don't believe is entirely from his time as a physician of some status. As the first, he is in a unique opportunity to know everyone there, and it might be nice to give a few more names and faces to the other prisoners, instead of leaving them as a faceless mass.

I adore Sullore. I hope he gains a huge fanclub. LOL! And, yes, more of the prisoners become individuals in short order.

It's difficult to tie your hook into any of the excerpt, to be honest, so I really have no idea where you're going with this. The line about the nobles made me think there was some sort of class stratification thing going on, but that -- along with the absent queen -- doesn't seem relevant to the major conflict. So unfortunately I don't have any comments about the larger direction. I do think you have a nice, smaller conflict going on with Nalbel that shows how Sullore handles such situations, with clear foreshadowing of larger events to take place shortly.

Good luck!

Yeppers, absent queen (that gets addressed directly in the next scene, actually), larger conflicts building from these small ones. Thanks for all of this.

Again, I very very much appreciate all your time and effort. This was extremely helpful.