The Captain's Chair - 164 words

I assume, from the few clues provided, that this piece describes the retired life of Captain Hook of Peter Pan fame?

I like it. It seems to start very peacefully, and gradually build with tension and unease whilst at the same time gradually revealing the protagonist, Captain Hook, with subtle clues. It also seems to me that the final 'Tick. Tock. Tick.Tock' has a double meaning: the refence to Peter Pan, and a reference to time passing for old people and the closeness of death (if this is a story of Hook's retirement).

There's a few things I would change. The biggest problem is that the sentence starting with 'Especially in summer...' is not a complete sentence. Especially in summer...what? Obviously the 'what' is in the previous sentence, but it's no good there.

My edits below.

---

The rocking chair was his favourite. It moved with a gentle roll, swayed slightly to the sides with each back and forth motion. When he closed his eyes and listened to the creak of the aged wood he could pretend he was back on deck his ship. Especially in summer In summer, especially, when the nurses positioned him by the window, where he could stare out at the sea, feel the sun hot on his face, taste the salt on the breeze, it all came back.
[The first time I read 'on deck' I was a little lost - on the deck of what, a house, modern ocean liner. There was no floor under my feet there for a moment. Fixed following sentence which was not a sentence.]

He liked it here. There were no bothersome children. It was almost perfect. Almost.
[The sentence 'There were no children' is too vague. My first thought was that this person just hated all children for no reason after reading it. The addition of the word 'bothersome' suggests the harmless annoyance of a children's book.]

His hook was wearing a groove in the arm of the chair where he scraped it every time he heard the clock. If he could only do something about that he could enjoy his life in peace. For now, though, it was there, a constant reminder.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

[No need for the word 'infernal', the whole paragraph makes it plain he's annoyed at the clock. The phrases 'he had to listen to' and 'if he could only do something about' convey the same meaning - you can simplify the paragraph by removing one.]

Hope this helps.

I think it's pretty close to perfect size myself, one bit towards the end got me but otherwise I 'm good.

The rocking chair was his favourite.(it's spelled favorite...sorry I'll be serious from now on) It moved with a gentle roll, swayed slightly to the sides with each back and forth motion. When he closed his eyes and listened to the creak of the aged wood he could pretend he was back on deck. Especially in summer, when the nurses positioned him by the window where he could stare out at the sea, feel the sun hot on his face, taste the salt on the breeze.

He liked it here. There were no children. It was almost perfect. Almost.

His hook was wearing a groove in the arm of the chair, where he scraped it every time he had to listen to that infernal clock(he heard the infernal machine chime? You want a little mystery left, I assume). If he could only do something about that he could enjoy his life in peace. For now, though, it was there, a constant reminder.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Click to expand...

I love it..just as it is

do not have any ideas on where to publish

but think it easily could be...

pangalactic said:

This was one of those "what if" moments that I would have liked to turn into a longer piece but that ended up at not much more than a sneeze of words ;-)

Be as harsh as you like, as long as you're constructive with it. I'd like to try and sell it, too, so if you think it's saleable I'd appreciate a prod in some suitable directions.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------


The rocking chair was his favourite. It moved with a gentle roll, swayed slightly to the sides with each back and forth motion. When he closed his eyes and listened to the creak of the aged wood he could pretend he was back on deck. Especially in summer, when the nurses positioned him by the window where he could stare out at the sea, feel the sun hot on his face, taste the salt on the breeze.

He liked it here. There were no children. It was almost perfect. Almost.

His hook was wearing a groove in the arm of the chair, where he scraped it every time he had to listen to that infernal clock. If he could only do something about that he could enjoy his life in peace. For now, though, it was there, a constant reminder.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Click to expand...

I like this a lot, particularly the last bit. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Very poetic.

My only suggestion: I'd change "His hook was wearing a groove" to "His hook wore a groove", for no other reason than that I think it sounds better.

Good luck with it!