- Joined
- Feb 12, 2006
- Messages
- 5,363
- Reaction score
- 1,763
Yes, I'm sure my math is off and someone will take much joy in correcting me, but it's all in fun, and anyway, I'm much better at juggling words.
Greetings to all you lurking PA writers!
Got your Kool-Ade? Great!
Drink deep because we're about to play Crunch the Numbers!
That's right, it's the hottest game in Fredrick, Maryland, slower than the lottery, but more of a sure thing.
On this side we have 20,000 erstwhile writers!
And on this side--the Stooges and their POD machine!
Writers--submit your manuscripts!
What an amazing thing--ALL 20,000 manuscripts are going to get the chance they deserve. I've never seen anything like it in the history of publishing. Apparently every single one of those books is ready to sell, as is, because I don't see any editing going on...
Here we go, contract time. The writers' books are tied up for seven years, BUT all the writers get a ONE DOLLAR advance. Looks like trouble for the PA team--they're down 20-thousand dollars in the first round!
And now the writers are all getting their free copies of their own books. At a base cost for paper, ink, and power to run the machine that's costing the PA team another maybe 5 bucks each plus the time to print and mail them. They're DOWN by at least 200,000 dollars. Oh, my gosh, HOW can they STAY in business doing that?
Hang on--something is happening in the writer camp--they want to buy copies of their own books--at a small percentage below the cover price. A very small percentage, and look how much those books cost: even the thin ones of 100 pages or so are retailing for 18-24 dollars EACH! Similar size books are selling elsewhere for half that--but the Stooges are getting away with it!
So we have 20K writers spending an average of 20.00 to buy at least one more copy of their own book.
Holy cow! What a rebound! PA has just scored 400,000.00 dollars in a single play!!!
They've gotten back their outlay and grossed a huge profit! God bless the American Way! Look at the Stooges wave that flag while they're praising Jesus, it just warms your heart!
Whoa--something is happening again in the writer camp...
Look at that, LOOK at THAT--there are more writers lining up to order MORE copies of their books. There's another 400,000.00 grossed for the Stooges!! They'll be able to keep most of that, too. What a grrrreat day for the Stooges!
No action from the bookstores as yet--nope, they're leaving the stadium. Looks like they got a look at the Stooge discount for bookstore orders. Yup, they make more money from the change dropped at the stores' Starbucks franchises.
Look over there, some of the writers have their books and are begging individual store managers to stock them. Not the way to get on the bestseller list, I mean, Stephen King didn't do that before he got famous, did he? Can you imagine Truman Capote printing out bumper stickers and fridge magnets for Breakfast at Tiffany's or In Cold Blood? Bookmarks, maybe, but he'd never stuff them under windshield wipers.
Hey--we've got some action! A phalanx of five B&N managers has broken through the writer lines, they're making a bid for freedom, and bolting for the stadium exits. Look at them go--but the writers are right behind them in hot pursuit, waving their books.
Something interesting on the other end of the field...it looks like a hard core of writers are coming back to give more of their money to the Stooges AND they're bringing in their friends.
What's this--? SOME of the writers are totaling their outlay for buying their books, checking their royalty statements, and they don't look happy. They're asking Miranda some awkward questions. Yikes--cover your ears if you don't like rough language! She's dressing them down like a drill sergeant, telling them how GRATEFUL they should be--my goodness, that woman has big brass ones--she is actually demanding they apologize!
It's amazing--some of them are ordering more books!
But the others...they're looking this way where the Absolute Write crowd is hanging out. There's been yelling and catcalls from that part of the stadium, but the Stooges have a marching band playing over there to drown out the noise. Lots of flag waving and Jesus praising going on, but some of the AWs are waving to the PA writers, inviting them over. They have free popcorn and coffee and yes, they are listening to the writers' complaints about how the Stooges are treating them. I see hand-shaking! What a day!
Uh-oh--the Stooges aren't giving up, they've got a flag-waving, Jesus-praising website up. Oh, my goodness, look at all those patriotic church-goers filing in to refresh the writer team. The new kids are holding up their manuscripts for submission in one hand and their checkbooks in another. The Stooges are accepting ALL of THEM! Looks like another 400,000-dollar gross for their team.
It just breaks your heart, but there's hope yet--seems the AW side of the stadium is growing as more and more of the PA writers are waking up to the fact that when you play Crunch the Numbers with the Stooges, you LOSE!!
This is your announcer Thomas Aloysius "Boats" Gillhoughly, signing off for the Absolute Write Forums. Have a great day!
Imagine if you will,
a large stadium near Fredrick, MD....
Announcer's voice:
a large stadium near Fredrick, MD....
Announcer's voice:
Greetings to all you lurking PA writers!
Got your Kool-Ade? Great!
Drink deep because we're about to play Crunch the Numbers!
That's right, it's the hottest game in Fredrick, Maryland, slower than the lottery, but more of a sure thing.
On this side we have 20,000 erstwhile writers!
And on this side--the Stooges and their POD machine!
Writers--submit your manuscripts!
What an amazing thing--ALL 20,000 manuscripts are going to get the chance they deserve. I've never seen anything like it in the history of publishing. Apparently every single one of those books is ready to sell, as is, because I don't see any editing going on...
Here we go, contract time. The writers' books are tied up for seven years, BUT all the writers get a ONE DOLLAR advance. Looks like trouble for the PA team--they're down 20-thousand dollars in the first round!
And now the writers are all getting their free copies of their own books. At a base cost for paper, ink, and power to run the machine that's costing the PA team another maybe 5 bucks each plus the time to print and mail them. They're DOWN by at least 200,000 dollars. Oh, my gosh, HOW can they STAY in business doing that?
Hang on--something is happening in the writer camp--they want to buy copies of their own books--at a small percentage below the cover price. A very small percentage, and look how much those books cost: even the thin ones of 100 pages or so are retailing for 18-24 dollars EACH! Similar size books are selling elsewhere for half that--but the Stooges are getting away with it!
So we have 20K writers spending an average of 20.00 to buy at least one more copy of their own book.
Holy cow! What a rebound! PA has just scored 400,000.00 dollars in a single play!!!
They've gotten back their outlay and grossed a huge profit! God bless the American Way! Look at the Stooges wave that flag while they're praising Jesus, it just warms your heart!
Whoa--something is happening again in the writer camp...
Look at that, LOOK at THAT--there are more writers lining up to order MORE copies of their books. There's another 400,000.00 grossed for the Stooges!! They'll be able to keep most of that, too. What a grrrreat day for the Stooges!
No action from the bookstores as yet--nope, they're leaving the stadium. Looks like they got a look at the Stooge discount for bookstore orders. Yup, they make more money from the change dropped at the stores' Starbucks franchises.
Look over there, some of the writers have their books and are begging individual store managers to stock them. Not the way to get on the bestseller list, I mean, Stephen King didn't do that before he got famous, did he? Can you imagine Truman Capote printing out bumper stickers and fridge magnets for Breakfast at Tiffany's or In Cold Blood? Bookmarks, maybe, but he'd never stuff them under windshield wipers.
Hey--we've got some action! A phalanx of five B&N managers has broken through the writer lines, they're making a bid for freedom, and bolting for the stadium exits. Look at them go--but the writers are right behind them in hot pursuit, waving their books.
Something interesting on the other end of the field...it looks like a hard core of writers are coming back to give more of their money to the Stooges AND they're bringing in their friends.
What's this--? SOME of the writers are totaling their outlay for buying their books, checking their royalty statements, and they don't look happy. They're asking Miranda some awkward questions. Yikes--cover your ears if you don't like rough language! She's dressing them down like a drill sergeant, telling them how GRATEFUL they should be--my goodness, that woman has big brass ones--she is actually demanding they apologize!
It's amazing--some of them are ordering more books!
But the others...they're looking this way where the Absolute Write crowd is hanging out. There's been yelling and catcalls from that part of the stadium, but the Stooges have a marching band playing over there to drown out the noise. Lots of flag waving and Jesus praising going on, but some of the AWs are waving to the PA writers, inviting them over. They have free popcorn and coffee and yes, they are listening to the writers' complaints about how the Stooges are treating them. I see hand-shaking! What a day!
Uh-oh--the Stooges aren't giving up, they've got a flag-waving, Jesus-praising website up. Oh, my goodness, look at all those patriotic church-goers filing in to refresh the writer team. The new kids are holding up their manuscripts for submission in one hand and their checkbooks in another. The Stooges are accepting ALL of THEM! Looks like another 400,000-dollar gross for their team.
It just breaks your heart, but there's hope yet--seems the AW side of the stadium is growing as more and more of the PA writers are waking up to the fact that when you play Crunch the Numbers with the Stooges, you LOSE!!
This is your announcer Thomas Aloysius "Boats" Gillhoughly, signing off for the Absolute Write Forums. Have a great day!
