The Bad Query Thread

Dear Mr or Ms Editor,
Why don't you put your name on your website so I know who to address this thing to? It's totally rude of ya not ta, ya know.
I'll let it go this time though if you promise to publish my book, called Rules for Writing. It's like a totally new idea. It shows ya how to use your inner self to write your book for you. It's never been done before, trust me. So tell me, whatd'ya think? Please get back to me by return as I might get an offer from another publisher in the meantime. I await your immediate response.
Yours in publishing,
Bleacho Pen

Dear Agents,

Ninety nine manuscripts left in the pile
Ninety nine manuscripts left --
You take one down
Pass it around...
Put them all down and read mine 'cuz you'll smile!

I've read all the blogs and I know how awful your slushpile can be sometimes. I totally sympathize. Toward that end I've made my manuscript one that will make you very happy. It has everything you're looking for and it's well written.

BEER ME is about five college friends who attempt to drink a six pack of every beer in existence before their freshman year is over. Along the way their friendships are tested, and they each learn something about themselves in the process.

So sit back, grab a beer, and bump BEER ME up to the top of your queue. Read it tonight and you'll be happy you did. The full is attached to this email and you can either print it all out or read it at the screen, whichever you prefer.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Bud Miller

Hey y'all,

I be sendin' ya my man-yoo-screept fer revuein'. Now, y'all best except it or I'ma come afta ya with mah boomstick!

-Texan/Kentuckian

I've got so many southern states in me it's nuts.

Dear Insert Agent Name Here;

It's Huck Fin meets Farscape. 160,000 words. You'll love it, I'll send it.

'nuff said.

Signed Put Real Name Here.

Dear Mr. or Ms. Tagen,

Thank you for opening this big package. My project for you is a cookie cookbook, IN THE COOKIE JAR, and I've made a dozen of each of the 200 recipes for you and your staff to take a taste. I'm not going to take up your valuable time with any details about the proposal for the book -- I'll let my cookies speak for themselves.

I'm highly qualified to write this book since I've been baking cookies for years and my family just loves them. I've won so many church bake-offs that they actually named the church kitchen after me (that's no joke, they really did!).

Thank you for considering my proposal for IN THE COOKIE JAR. I hope you like gingersnaps!

Sincerely,
The Cookie Lady

Yep, it’s me!

Thank you for remembering me, and my foot at the last party. I must admit my throwing my drink on you this time was an accident when I caught my foot on that ladies gown and when she moved, it sent me tumbling.

Anyway, enclosed is Killer Summer Revisited for you to read.

The murderer crept through the dark cabin. It was silent except for the old ticking clock in the family room. Alley, the cat watched as the murderer came closer, then receiving an ominous feeling, jumped down and ran, ducking under tables and chairs, out of sight.

The clock chimed two and not all was well. A case of the raging runs hit me. As I made my way to the bathroom, I tripped over Alley, hit my head on the wall and stepped back on Alley again, who shrieked and ran for safety under the bed, while I sh** my drawers.

Funny, I thought, he didn’t run for the family room as I walked bow legged to the bathroom. Sara woke up wanting to know what happened and I told her to go back to bed. I jumped in the shower fully clothed, figuring I wash myself, and the drawers at the same time.

Suddenly, I could see a shadow of a figure through the shower curtain and it wasn’t Sara unless she grew another five feet and was wearing a man’s fedora. The arm raised and I could see a knife in the hand. Standing in fear, I sh** my drawers.

Before I could scream, a load boom reverberated in my ears. The shadow and knife fell into me as I sh** my drawers…again. I landed in the shitty water, sending it everywhere. I felt the weight of the dead shadow holding me down and made me realize how a mobster with concrete shoes felt being dumped into the murky waters of his grave.

I fought the shower curtain off my face to get a breath of clean air, and when my eyes cleared; there stood Sara frowning, wet hair, in her white silk nightgown, which was now spotted with shitty water holding the smoking rifle. A scene I will always remember.

The worst part of this was I couldn’t take a shower because it was now a crime scene and none of the sheriffs wanted to be the one to take my deposition. One of the paramedics threw up in the tub while trying to retrieve the dead shadow from the shitty water. Boy and I glad I’m not in housekeeping!

After the sheriff left, Sara packed the car and Alley and made me run behind the car until we came to a car wash where she decided she would power wash me down before letting me back in the car. The suds I didn’t mind as much as the pain from the water blasting me out of the stall and into the vacuum machine. She later apologized for that.

I know you’ll enjoy Killer Summer Revisited more than I did living it.

Still in pain,

Burney Hodcloffer

Soccer Mom said:

Thanks to Moth for the box of cumbs.

Click to expand...

Cumbs? Soccer Mom, were you already thinking about your Mr. Lucky Gets Lucky query?

Dear M. Agent,

Thank you for your last letter. I am very excited that you wished me luck in the future. I thought that it was very imporatnat to tell you that I have been checking my mailbox every day but haven't received a contract from you or my first check.

I have already started packing for my publicity tour and hope that you have scheduled Oprah and Late Night already. I will be in your offices for our meeting next Friday promptly at 3:00.

Dilusionally yours,

Me

To the Top Agent (possibly head agent or owner of) at the Agency:

Yours was the only agency I saw in all my research that has agents who handle both math textbooks and fairy fantasy. For this reason I think you personally are a perfect fit for my textbook-novel, MISS FAIRY'S SWEET MATH.

Kids can be entertained while they learn! It re-defines genre! Miss Fairy must defeat the nefarious Mathema-anti-tician, battling empty sets, inequalities and imaginary numbers to do so. It all comes to a head when Mathema-anti-tician attempts to divide by zero!

I also have a teacher's edition that has Miss Fairy getting a bit naughty with Mathema-anti-tician.

(What a name for a villain, huh? They'll be talking about that one outside of class!)

Thank you for considering MISS FAIRY'S SWEET MATH. I look forward to your response.

Algebraically,
Mac Simmum

Hey There Mr. Agent!

You aren't gonna believe this! Guido knows your pool guy! He was hanging around your house the other day, and he saw the pool guy sneaking out of your back door just before your train pulled into the station. So he walks over to see whassup, and sure enough he knows him! Man, did he give Guido an earful!

So anyway what happened with those guys Mr. Brown and Mr. Little? You call them yet? We really have to get going on this book before somebody steals my idea. Or before they send me back to jail. Whichever comes first.

Ive been working on that part about High and Xena in the cave. In fact, your pool guy gave me a whole lot of great ideas for hot love scenes. He was telling me all about these hot scenes between him and this lady named Angela. Oh sh!t! I just realized - that's your wife's name isnt it? You dont happen to have a king sized bed with mirrors on top of it, do you? I'm trying to figure out how to put mirrors in the cave. Maybe its like a magical crystal mirror cave or something. Guido and I thought the mirror thing was so cool that we decided to try it out.

We went to this place called The No Tell Motel and got this room. To get in the mood, Guido decided maybe we should rent a movie. So we did and man did we get the shock of our lives. Did you know they hide cameras in those rooms? We turned the movie on, and there in all his glory, minus the speedo, is your pool guy. Is your wife blonde? About 5 foot 3 with a mole in the middle of her back? Wow what a video!

Anyway - Im enclosing the bill for the motel. $89. including tax. We also had a bottle of champagne = 5 bucks more. I'm including the bill here -- I figure I should be on one of those expensive account things by now.

Oh yeah, and about the video? We kept it. And unless you start selling my book, Guido and I are gonna be selling copies all over e bay. "Angela Gets Wet with the Pool Boy" should be a major best seller --

Best seller - get it? Sell the damn book.

Your client,

Ann Rice (the one without the E - E stands for E BAY where your wife's hot little tape is gonna be a big hit.)

Dear Agent,

Mama Tee don't take no guff from nobody. Not her kids, not her dogs, and for sure as hell not her many suitors.

She can't understand why lately so many good-looking guys are tryin' to court her -- her, fat and middle-aged and with hands that have seen too much scullery work -- until a newspaper editor appears as if from nowhere to explain the surprising answers.

HOOCHIE MAMA is a deep-fried literary novel, complete at 260,000 words. May I send you a partial or full?

Thank you for your time and consideration,
A. Uthor

Hi Mr. Agent!!

My friend Ann Rice (the one with no E) suggested I write to you and tell you about my great book idea.

My name is Suzie Stupid and I'm a Stew on Jet Blue. Hey that rhymes! Maybe I should be a poet, huh?

Well, I have this idea for a book. All the time, we see people trying to join the Mile High Club. They think we don't notice that two of them are missing at one time and the "occupied" sign is on in the bathroom for like twenty minutes at a time, but we really do. We know all about what goes on in there. Like duh, you dont have to be a rocket scientist to figure out why the bathroom door is shaking and you hear moans coming from inside.

But that's not the real story here. The real story is what goes on in the cockpit. You would be surprised what happens when we get all the passengers settled down on a red eye flight coast to coast, then head up to the cockpit. The pilot kicks on the old autopilot and then the action begins! You remember that book Valley of the Dolls? Well think Valley of the Dolls only a Mile High!

I'm thinking about calling it -- "Autopilot - Lust and Love in the Cockpit". It is going to be HOT! I mean real hot details of everything that goes on up there. The real good stuff. Only I'm gonna have to make up names on account of some of the pilots are married and stuff. But you'll still get the good stuff. I'm talking smokin' hot. Each book is gonna have to come with oven mits just so you can hold it to read it!! THAT'S HOT!!

Maybe I can even make some stuff up, you know? Like have some famous passengers from first class wander into the cockpit and join in with the action. The only thing is Jet Blue doesnt have any first class and no celebs would be caught dead flying on our cheap flights and eating our crappy blue potato chips. So I can change the name of the airline, too. Right?

I may have to change a couple other things. You know, being a Stew aint what it used to be. They don't really care anymore if you are just a little bit overweight or kind of old enough to have been around to wave when Wilbur and Orville flew the first flight. So, like in the book, we make them all 21, blondes and redheads and really busty. Kind of like Hooters in the air. Can you picture that?

Trust me, this book is going to be THTH - Too Hot To Handle. I already have this one pre-order for a copy from this guy who writes poetry. Maybe you can be his agent, too.

I already talked to Ann about this book and she says its gonna be a biggie. Right up there with her fan fiction book you are publishing. Arent you lucky to have both of us as clients?

Gotta run, they're calling my flight.

Buh Bye.

Suzie Stupid, Jet Blue Stew

Dear Agent,

The race is on! ORBIT THIS! is a sci-fi paranormal comedy mainstream fantasy sci-fi novel, 150,000 words, about a space race -- which team can orbit every planet in the solar system and return home first?

The story is set in a fictional solar system with aliens as the characters. The reason for this was, if it was in our solar system, the race would last something like 7,000 years...a little hard to do in a novel of 150k. I mean, I need more material than that to fill up all those words! So in my fictional solar system the race takes 11,000 years.

ORBIT THIS! will easily fit into publishers' catalogs and bookstores, since it can be shelved in so many places.

Per your guidelines I've included the first three chapters with this query. I feel I should let you know that that amounts to the whole book, since it only has three chapters -- titled "Beginning," "Middle" and "End" respectively.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Ready to read? On your mark -- get set -- go!

Sincerely,
Ace

Dear Non Fiction Agent,

Taking this directly from the headlines, I am working on a new book concerning the downgrading of Pluto from a planet to a dwarf planet. As an amateur astronomer, I am totally opposed to revoking Pluto's planethood. I consider it akin to downgrading Danny De Vito from an actor/director to an oompa loompa.

The title of my book will be. "If It Can Happen to Pluto, It Can Happen to Uranus." Sooner or later, those elite astronomers will downgrade everything except those biggies like Mars, Jupiter and Saturn. Even Venus had better watch it's back, because one of these days, they may come for it, too.

I consider this an important work. I hope to have the backing of NASA and the Hayden Planetarium in New York. I understand the guys at the Hayden are pretty pissed about having to re-do all their exhibits.

Astronomically yours,


S. Tar Gazer

Dear Agent,

I am eager to send you, THE MIX, a 900,234 word novel. This is the part where most would say the genre of their book. I have tried and tried, but my book defies the boundaries of genres. However, since you agents seem to like categorization, I've provided the following description. THE MIX is a suspense filled, action packed, sentimental tragedgy, with paranormal romance aspects, an alternate fantasy world, a chick lit writing style, and has historical settings.

This is where most would blab on about the plot of their novel. I, however, cannot do that here. My novel cannot be appreciated in a summary. One can only see the sheer brilliance, wit, and creativity of the writing if they read the entire novel, in one sit through. I would be ecstatic to send it to you, if you assure me you'll read it in one sitting.

Sincerely,
Kyla