Learn Writing with Uncle Jim, Volume 1

Lilybiz · Dec 10, 2005

Euan H. said:
And this proves what? The "rule" that says prepositions can't come at the end of sentences is one up with which we should put.

I was making a joke.

James D. Macdonald · Dec 10, 2005

Speaking of jokes:

A Texan is visiting Harvard. He stops a student and asks, "Where's the library at?"

"At Harvard," says the student, "we do not end sentences with prepositions."

"Okay," says the Texan. "Where's the library at, ***hole?"

James D. Macdonald · Dec 10, 2005

Shall we look at a work that's an undoubted classic? Something seasonal?

Very well:

Chapter 1: Marley's Ghost

Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it. And Scrooge's name was good upon 'Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

Scrooge knew he was dead? Of course he did. How could it be otherwise? Scrooge and he were partners for I don't know how many years. Scrooge was his sole executor, his sole administrator, his sole assign, his sole residuary legatee, his sole friend, and sole mourner. And even Scrooge was not so dreadfully cut up by the sad event, but that he was an excellent man of business on the very day of the funeral, and solemnised it with an undoubted bargain.

The mention of Marley's funeral brings me back to the point I started from. There is no doubt that Marley was dead. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate. If we were not perfectly convinced that Hamlet's Father died before the play began, there would be nothing more remarkable in his taking a stroll at night, in an easterly wind, upon his own ramparts, than there would be in any other middle-aged gentleman rashly turning out after dark in a breezy spot -- say Saint Paul's Churchyard for instance -- literally to astonish his son's weak mind.

Scrooge never painted out Old Marley's name. There it stood, years afterwards, above the ware-house door: Scrooge and Marley. The firm was known as Scrooge and Marley. Sometimes people new to the business called Scrooge Scrooge, and sometimes Marley, but he answered to both names. It was all the same to him.

Line by line anon.

Lilybiz · Dec 10, 2005

Fun stuff from http://rinkworks.com/words/grammar.shtml

"A traditional rule of grammar is that one should never end a sentence with a preposition. Facetiously stated, the rule is, "A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with." Although it is generally advisable to structure sentences so that they do not end in prepositions, as this makes for more elegant writing, many dispute that ending a sentence with a preposition is incorrect English, especially when there is no convenient way to reword the sentence.

Sometimes the "correct" wording is humorously awkward, as in, "Mr. Hunter cursed his memory of the milkman, away with which his wife ran."

Winston Churchill once put a preposition at the end of a sentence and was called to task for it. As the story goes, Churchill replied, "That's the sort of pedantry up with which I will not put."

Another interesting sentence that plays with sentence-end prepositions is, "Aw, Mom, what'd you bring that book I don't like to be read to out of up for?" If the book in question was about Australia, the number of prepositions at the end can be increased from five to eight: "Aw, Mom, what'd you bring that book I don't like to be read to out of about Down Under up for?" "Down Under" is used in this sentence as a single noun rather than as two prepositions, but we needn't let a technicality like that ruin our fun."

James D. Macdonald · Dec 10, 2005

Chapter 1: Marley's Ghost

We're in a book divided into chapters (unlikely to be a short story; we will use our novel reading protocols here). We are told there is a character named Marley, and Marley has a ghost. "Marl" is clay; a dead person can be referred to as being "turned to clay." This is rather an old-fashioned usage, but (we note) this book was written over 160 years ago. (Sometimes you see this written as "Stave One," as in a staff of music. I have no idea how the first edition put it.)

Marley was dead: to begin with.

We have a short sentence, introducing a character. "To begin with" implies more to come.

There is no doubt whatever about that.

Short, easily understood. Introduces conversational style.

The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner.

Rather longer, more complex, with a list of people who will attest to the death. Raises the possibility that there may indeed be doubt that Marley is dead.

Scrooge signed it.

A second character introduced, very simply, three words. Follows a long and complex sentence. "It" is the burial register.

And Scrooge's name was good upon 'Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to.

"'Change" is the 19th century Brit for Wall Street; the Exchange. Introduces the theme of money. "Put his hand" is both a term for signing, and a term for attempting. A longer sentence.

Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

Back to reinforcing the meaning of the first sentence. Treats Marley disrespectfully. Simple sentence. So ends Paragraph One.

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail.

Introduces a third character: "I," the narrator. Implies a fourth character, the reader to whom the narrator is talking directly. Admits that the narrator doesn't know everything, characterization. Sets jocular tone.

I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.

Again, the death-and-burial imagery, and the emphasis on trade -- money. More characterization of the narrator.

But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.

Bringing in old times -- the wisdom of our ancestors. Complex sentence, with tradition, patriotism, and a depreciation of the narrator all rolled in. We still don't know much more about Marley, who had pride of place in the chapter title and the first sentence of paragraph one.

You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

Ah, there's Marley! His death is important. We've heard little else for two paragraphs now. "You will permit me" implies a co-equal status between narrator and audience. End of Paragraph Two.

Scrooge knew he was dead?

Conversational tone continues (the reader's question omitted, but clearly present). Scrooge again. Simple construction.

Of course he did. How could it be otherwise?

Two more very simple sentences, more on Scrooge, and more relationship between author and reader.

Scrooge and he were partners for I don't know how many years.

The second time the narrator has confessed ignorance in as many paragraphs. More on business, and now tying Scrooge to Marley.

Scrooge was his sole executor, his sole administrator, his sole assign, his sole residuary legatee, his sole friend, and sole mourner.

A second long list; compare it with the earlier the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. The chief mourner is now revealed to be the sole mourner, and they are both Scrooge.

And even Scrooge was not so dreadfully cut up by the sad event, but that he was an excellent man of business on the very day of the funeral, and solemnised it with an undoubted bargain.

And Scrooge wasn't all that mournful. He buried his friend as cheaply as possible. Business theme extended, and characterization for Scrooge. End of Paragraph Three.

The mention of Marley's funeral brings me back to the point I started from.

We've never really strayed from Marley's funeral. Discursive style. The author is hammering this point home (particulalry apt when talking of nails).

There is no doubt that Marley was dead.

A simple restatement of the first sentence.

This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate.

Things changed a lot with Hemingway, didn't they? Ah, well. We're promised a wonderful story. This is clearly a story that's being spoken, and the point of view of the narrator is clarified. So the relationship of the speaker to the listener is reinforced. The listener is a more skeptical sort of person. Middling complexity on this sentence.

If we were not perfectly convinced that Hamlet's Father died before the play began, there would be nothing more remarkable in his taking a stroll at night, in an easterly wind, upon his own ramparts, than there would be in any other middle-aged gentleman rashly turning out after dark in a breezy spot -- say Saint Paul's Churchyard for instance -- literally to astonish his son's weak mind.

A very long and complex sentence. The Churchyard is a graveyard -- the death imagery is here. The ghost element is introduced (previously only seen in the chapter title). "Astonish" literally means "turn to stone." As in what a Gorgon or basilisk would do. We're now moving away from buisness and trade and off to the supernatural. Assumes the listener is perfectly familiar with the works of Shakespeare. The walking dead introduced. End of Paragraph Four.

Scrooge never painted out Old Marley's name.

"Old Marley" (second reference) is rather disrespectful. The story is moving away from Marley to Scrooge (mentioned first in the sentence and paragraph). More characterization.

There it stood, years afterwards, above the ware-house door: Scrooge and Marley.

So, Scrooge and Marley have a warehouse. And Marley's death was years ago. Theme of times-passed again.

The firm was known as Scrooge and Marley.

Business, and linking Scrooge not just to Marley, but to death, because Marley is known only by the fact of being dead.

Sometimes people new to the business called Scrooge Scrooge, and sometimes Marley, but he answered to both names.

Scrooge=Marley=dead. Business theme mentioned again.

It was all the same to him.

Rather devastating piece of characterization. End of Paragraph Five, and end of the first page.

A slow and discursive beginning, with a promise from the author (who is positioning himself as the reader's close friend) that something "wonderful" will be related. Plot and story are only present in rudimentary, implied forms.

Do we want to turn the page? Nothing much has happened, no problem stated, other than that the reader-character will not believe the narrator-character about the fact of Marley's death. Tons of characterization of Scrooge, a walking dead man.

James D. Macdonald · Dec 10, 2005

"Preposition" means, literally, placed first: Pre-position. That "rule" about not ending sentences with prepositions comes from the 18th century grammar-masters who hadn't quite figured out that English isn't Latin. Ignore it. It isn't really a rule.

Ken Schneider · Dec 10, 2005

1. What happens to Scrooge now that Marley is gone?

2. Will Marley's death change anything?

3. Scrooge is cheap, and has Marley's money now.

4. Scrooge would rather do business than attend Marley's funeral, and did that very day.

5. Never painted out Marley's name- no need, and he's still cheap.

6. Scrooge didn't care what name you used to address him. Just pay up.

Yes, I want to turn the page. I've learned little and have been teased with no answers.

So, the first page is a teaser, gives us information but hasn't answered the questions or situation posed? It seems to me. But I'm dumb.

Lilybiz · Dec 10, 2005

I agree with Ken. I want to turn the page. Another reason to do so is that the narrator's voice is very engaging, and I expect the story to be told well, with personality.

Ken Schneider · Dec 10, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
It's been a while since I handed out an assignment, so here goes: Due on Christmas Day!

I have become so engrossed in this exercise that I've worked on it until my shoulder blades hurt from typing, and I'm finished.

It was great fun writing in the theme I chose, but difficult. It took some research to even capture a minimal amount of of anothers writing style.

But now I know that a brougham is not a type of Cadillac, nor is a landau a type of roof on the same, and that it rattles up the street smartly, only to grate against the curb, as history knows it.

Thanks Jim,
Ken

Avalon · Dec 10, 2005

Ho ho ho!

Just wanted to say thanks to Uncle Jim. UJ, your explanations (and assignments) are very, very much appreciated -- not to mention enlightening.

And timely! I've also been watching a couple of Scrooges lately, and how interesting to see what details they chose to keep for the screen, and what ones they chose to interpret differently, while keeping the story intact.

aghast · Dec 10, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
Chapter 1: Marley's Ghost

Uncle Jim, I think your analysis is really intersting. The Christmas Carol is such a classic but if it were written today pepple will be jumping on it saying how nothing happened in the first few pages and it needs to be more exciting and lose the charater study stuff. I think people now want something instant. Give them a big conflict or problem in the very beginning or yawn, we wont read it.

James D. Macdonald · Dec 10, 2005

Ken Schneider said:
... and I'm finished.

Put it aside for a week or so, then re-read. I bet you'll find something to tweak.

Ken Schneider · Dec 11, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
Put it aside for a week or so, then re-read. I bet you'll find something to tweak.

No doubt, and the plan.

James D. Macdonald · Dec 11, 2005

I'm not 100% sure that people today would reject A Christmas Carol if it arrived newly-minted.

A good deal of the first page is spent establishing the character of The Narrator as someone you'd enjoy spending some time with. If I were to summarize it in one sentence, it would be: Someone You Trust Promises Wonders.

Andrew Jameson · Dec 11, 2005

aghast said:
[/indent][/indent]Uncle Jim, I think your analysis is really intersting. The Christmas Carol is such a classic but if it were written today pepple will be jumping on it saying how nothing happened in the first few pages and it needs to be more exciting and lose the charater study stuff. I think people now want something instant. Give them a big conflict or problem in the very beginning or yawn, we wont read it.

It does strike me that the technique of Establishing the Narrator (as a character seperate from the action in the book) has fallen out of favor in modern times. But still, look at the first twenty words or so:

Chapter 1: Marley's Ghost

Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.

Wow! That promises a lot of interesting things around the corner. Were I critiquing the piece, I might suggest some tightening up of the next few paragraphs, but these opening lines are enough to carry it for quite a while.

James D. Macdonald · Dec 11, 2005

Marley was dead: to begin with.

Please notice that Dickens ended that sentence with a preposition.

Also notice: When Dickens wants to put a point across, he uses very simple, short sentences.

Marley was dead: to begin with.

There is no doubt whatever about that.

Scrooge signed it.

Scrooge knew he was dead?

Of course he did.

How could it be otherwise?

There is no doubt that Marley was dead.

Scrooge never painted out Old Marley's name.

The firm was known as Scrooge and Marley.

It was all the same to him.

Elsewhere, I've commented that the author needs to cast him/herself as a character, and to cast the reader as a character. Dickens does it explicitly; you can do it implicitly, but I pray you, do it. (Some authors, I'm told, pin a photo of some person to the desk where they write, and imagine telling the story to that person.)

======================

Combining genres:

Marley was dead: to begin with. And when a man's partner is killed, he's supposed to do something about it.

Lilybiz · Dec 11, 2005

It's difficult to judge what I might anticipate from the text because I know the story so well (though I haven't read it it many years). But from rereading the excerpt, the section that I think would intrigue me most, were I to come to it without previous knowledge, would be this one:

"There is no doubt that Marley was dead. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate. If we were not perfectly convinced that Hamlet's Father died before the play began, there would be nothing more remarkable in his taking a stroll at night, in an easterly wind, upon his own ramparts, than there would be in any other middle-aged gentleman rashly turning out after dark in a breezy spot -- say Saint Paul's Churchyard for instance -- literally to astonish his son's weak mind."

Dickens makes much of this dead Marley guy, then refers to a famous (tragic) ghost story. Not only that, he does it in a humorous way. I can almost hear this narrator's delighted, conspiratorial tone of voice. So I'm about to get a funny, irreverent, scary ghost story! Yes, I'm turning the page.

aghast · Dec 11, 2005

Its intersting to see the two different styles (Patterson and Dickens), one is workmanlike and hit all the mechanics of story and plot but the narrative and characters are boring and flat; the other is purely character development but the narartive voice is witty and conversational and promises something fun to come. For me personally I would put the first book down and keep reading the second. I know what Uncle Jim said about story and prose but personally if the prose bores me like in Patterson's case I would not read it. Stories are a dime a dozen, it really depends on how the author delivers.

SusanR · Dec 11, 2005

I'm a relative newbie around here, greetings all. I'm going to jump right in, so duck: INCOMING OPINION!

I would turn Dickins' page for certain. Credit goes to the intimate voice of the Narrator. I feel as if I am curled on a cozy rug before a blazing fire; me, my flannel bunny pajamas, and a cup of hot chocolate keeping company as a winter storm batters the windows and wind whistles in the faraway attic. The Narrator's voice flows warm and thick like syrup, promising a tale both sweet and rich.

I'm in.

Very useful exercise, this. Half of my WIP is written in a (not great) third person omniescent, and I don't have a command of it since I haven't a grip on what I'm trying to do other than get my story told. When I started, I wanted a big, passionate but controlled voice telling plain, spare truths. I get it right intermittently, I think, but haven't the necessary control to measure it out with precision.

I'm going to spend some time thinking about just Who my Narrator might be (a la the Christmas Carol storyteller) and to whom he might be speaking. Maybe even craft a scene (for exercise) in which Narrator and Listener have a chat. Thank you, Jim, for this incredible classroom.

SusanR

gp101 · Dec 11, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
======================

Combining genres:

Marley was dead: to begin with. And when a man's partner is killed, he's supposed to do something about it.

A Christmas Carol meets The Maltese Falcon? Ooh, the possibilities. Note how quickly Sam Spade did remove his own partner's name from the door.

My apologies upfront if I guessed wrong on the source of that second line. I'm pretty sure it's a Chandler or Hammett line. UJ, don't leave a brother hangin'.

Lilybiz · Dec 11, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
Marley was dead: to begin with.

Please notice that Dickens ended that sentence with a preposition.

I also notice he began a sentence with "And."

"And even Scrooge was not so dreadfully cut up by the sad event..."

Another so-called "rule," broken very well.

James D. Macdonald · Dec 11, 2005

gp101 said:
UJ, don't leave a brother hangin'.

That is, indeed, from The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett. Hammett is (IMHO) another great stylist.

On A Christmas Carol though: Lush prose is not the only thing it has going for it. The plot and story are powerhouses: They've survived Mr. Magoo and the Muppets.

Here's the full text to A Christmas Carol, for those who found that they must turn the page: http://www.stormfax.com/1dickens.htm

(Plot: Scrooge is visited by four increasingly scary spirits. Story: A sinner is redeemed. Theme: Charity.)

James D. Macdonald · Dec 11, 2005

Since I brought up Hammett, here are the first two pages from The Maltese Falcon. Discussion anon.

Spade & Archer

Samuel Spade's jaw was long and bony, his chin a jutting v under the more flexible v of his mouth. His nostrils curved back to make another smaller v. His yellow-grey eyes were horizontal. The v motif was picked up again by thickish brows rising outward from twin creases above a hooked nose, and his pale brown hair grew down -- from high flat temples -- in a point on his forehead. He looked rather pleasantly like a blond satan.

He said to Effie Perine: "Yes, sweetheart?"

She was a lanky sunburned girl whose tan dress of thin woollen stuff clung to her with an effect of dampness. Her eyes were brown and playful in a shiny boyish face. She finished shutting the door behind her, leaned against it, and said: "There's a girl wants to see you. Her name's Wonderly."

"A customer?"

"I guess so. You'll want to see her anyway: she's a knockout."

"Shoo her in, darling," said Spade. "Shoo her in."

Effie Perine opened the door again, following it back into the outer office, standing with a hand on the knob while saying: "Will you come in, Miss Wonderly?"

A voice said, "Thank you," so softly that only the purest articulation made the words intelligible, and a young woman came through the doorway. She advanced slowly with tentative steps, looking at Spade with cobalt-blue eyes that were both shy and probing.

She was tall and pliantly slender, without angularity anywhere. Her body was erect and high-breasted, her legs long, her hands and feet narrow. She wore two shades of blue that had been selected because of her eyes. The hair curling from under her blue hat was darkly red, her full lips more brightly red. White teeth glistened in the crescent her timid smile made.

Spade rose bowing and indicating with a thick-fingered hand the oaken armchair beside his desk. He was quite six feet tall. The steep rounded slope of his shoulders made his body seem almost conical -- no broader than it was thick -- and kept his freshly pressed grey coat from fitting very well.

Miss Wonderly murmurred, "Thank you," softly as before and sat down on the edge of the chair's wooden seat.

Spade sank into his swivel-chair, made a quarter-turn to face her, smiled politely. He smiled without separating his lips. All the v's in his face grew longer.

The tappity-tap-tap and the thin bell and muffled whir of Effie Perine's typewriting came through the closed door. Somewhere in a neighboring office a power-driven machine vibrated dully. On Spade's desk a limp cigarette smouldered in a brass tray filled with the remains of limp cigarettes. Ragged grey flakes of cigarette-ash dotted the yellow top of the desk and the green blotter and the papers that were there. A buff-curtained window, eight or ten inches open, let in from the court a current of air faintly scented with ammonia. The ashes on the desk twitched and crawled in the current.

Miss Wonderly watched the grey flakes twitch and crawl. Her eyes were uneasy. She sat on the very edge of the chair. Her feet were flat on the floor, as if she were about to rise. Her hands in dark gloves clasped a flat dark handbag on her lap.

Ken Schneider · Dec 11, 2005

That is gang of showing and discription for the first page. Add in three characters introduced, and it's a little much for my readers eye.

I found myself saying, "Enough already, move along."

What I see with my writers eye— which is almost blind.

The discriptions show the scene in vivid detail.

The writer tells us that Spade likes the girls.

He has also introduced in the first page, sex, mystery— and makes us ask, why is this sultry, but nervous gal in his office.

He then changes gears for the hook to make us turn the page with the last two lines.
"Her feet were flat on the floor, as if she were about to rise. Her hands in dark gloves clasped a flat dark handbag on her lap."

Okay, is she leaving because she's uncomfortable with her surroundings, or does she have something in the bag that is making her figit? You have to turn the page.

gp101 · Dec 11, 2005

I really enjoyed the Hammett and Chandler novels I've read, and can see why they are the masters of the gumshoe and mystery genres. But I have to admit being bored by the generous amounts of description (especially with Hammett) as are illustrated in the above passage from MF (the novel, not the expletive). And, yes, I even skipped over a lot of the description to get to the good stuff.

I've read that both men wrote in a period where it was expected that the story include such detailed detail. So I have no doubt that both men, today, would have edited there manuscripts accordingly, without losing much of their stories. I'm also confident they would've enjoyed the liberal acceptance of the four-letter words they were forbidden to use back then.

Having said that, the above-posted first-page of MF would have been a much harder sell as written in today's market. And when an agent and publishing house finally saw past the description to discover the brilliance of the entire novel, it would've been an even tougher sell to today's reader who is accustomed to being thrust into the action by the end of the first paragraph. Maybe a NY Times best-seller, but not top-ten, not by today's standards. Not by today's MTV I-want-it-all-now-not-later, five-minute attention-span generation which I am a member of (of which I am a member??).

Learn Writing with Uncle Jim, Volume 1

glad to be here

Your Genial Uncle

Your Genial Uncle

glad to be here

Your Genial Uncle

Your Genial Uncle

Absolute sagebrush

glad to be here

Absolute sagebrush

Linda J. Daly

Your Genial Uncle

Absolute sagebrush

Your Genial Uncle

(not his real name)

Your Genial Uncle

glad to be here

glad to be here

Your Genial Uncle

Your Genial Uncle

Absolute sagebrush