Please read before you move this

LIVIN

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This probably isn't the place to post this, but I'm unable to get into any of the poetry forums requiring citrus as a password, so....

I have a short ditty that I like, but, well, it's short:

There's a revolving door on my front porch
People come and go as they please
Scars form with ease
And all the while, behind a smile, the sun scorches the trees.

So, I guess the thing I have against the poem is its' brevity. So, do y'all feel the same way? Or do you hate it for other reasons?
 
poetinahat

poetinahat

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Are you still having trouble, LIVIN? If so, try clearing your browser cache (cookies, etc), shutting down the browser, and trying again. People encounter this problem from time to time.

Meanwhile, my suggestions:

- Make lines 3 and 4 closer in length. Come to think of it, line 3 seems to have little to do with the rest of the poem; is it necessary?

- The rhymes are in there (porch, scorch; please, ease, trees), but they're unevenly placed.

I think this is a good start for a short poem, but it needs restructuring.
 
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