A Line Doesn't Sound Right?

Button · Jan 2, 2008

This line is bugging the heck out of me. I think my editing mind is tired but could someone point out why this sentence doesn't sound right to me?

[FONT=&quot]The morning sunlight shined down through the windshield, warming my knees huddled up against the steering wheel.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I think "shined down through" sounds funny, but I can't tell if it is because I've read it so many times, or if it really does sound funny.[/FONT]

geardrops · Jan 2, 2008

It sounds funny.

"I curled up in my seat, pressed against the steering wheel. The morning light shined through the windshield, warming my huddled knees."

Is what I might suggest. The only reason I made a second sentence is to separate out the fact that the person was pressed against the steering wheel. Too many visuals in one sentence, for my taste.

otterman · Jan 2, 2008

Should be "shone down" and I would change the "my knees huddled up against the steering wheel" part as well to something like this:
...warming my knees that were pressed against the steering wheel.

IceCreamEmpress · Jan 2, 2008

I'm one of those old-fashioned people who insists on "shone" rather than "shined" (unless we're talking about shoes!) So I might recast that as:

The morning sun shone through the windshield, warming the steering wheel and my huddled-up knees.

No matter what you do, you can definitely eliminate "down".

Button · Jan 2, 2008

Good suggestions everyone, all sound much better. Shone... should have known that one.

Another one of those editing sessions where staring at it too long is making everything sound funny, whether it is or not.

Thanks all!

Will Lavender · Jan 2, 2008

I don't like the phrase "huddled up" applying to knees there.

Can knees huddle? I think of various things huddling -- football players, etc. -- but not knees. And really, if you think about it, there's a certain amount of "huddling" going on every time one gets into a car. It may be overkill.

I would just let the sun warm the wheel and the knees, and omit the huddling bit.

blacbird · Jan 2, 2008

ButtonTheCat said:
[FONT=&quot]The morning sunlight shined down through the windshield, warming my knees huddled up against the steering wheel.[/FONT]

"The morning light shone through the windshield, warming my knees as I huddled against the steering wheel."

The past tense of "shine" is more proper as "shone", at least in my mental dictionary. And both "down" and "up" are superfluous prepositions.

caw

BarbaraKE · Jan 2, 2008

Agree with using 'shone', also agree that 'down' is unnecessary.

One comment. I'm trying to imagine myself 'huddled against the steering wheel'. That means my upper body is leaning forward (against the steering wheel) so the sun wouldn't reach my knees (upper body is blocking it). Right?? Or am I interpreting it wrong?

blacbird · Jan 2, 2008

I considered that huddling dilemma, but thought maybe the person could be sitting in the seat curled up with her knees against the wheel . . . ahhhh . . . maybe not, but I'm kinda tall.

A point, though. This is an excellent place where the writer should go out to a car and see if the physical movements described or implied are actually possible. I'm a big fan not only of reading dialog aloud, but of acting out descriptions of physical actions. I've corrected my own writing numerous times as a result of such exercise.

caw

BethS · Jan 3, 2008

ButtonTheCat said:
This line is bugging the heck out of me. I think my editing mind is tired but could someone point out why this sentence doesn't sound right to me?

[FONT=&quot]The morning sunlight shined down through the windshield, warming my knees huddled up against the steering wheel. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I think "shined down through" sounds funny, but I can't tell if it is because I've read it so many times, or if it really does sound funny.[/FONT]

I think you want "shone" rather than "shined." And you don't need "down."

"The morning sunlight shone through the windshield, warming my knees where they huddled against the steering wheel."

~Beth

Button · Jan 3, 2008

blacbird said:
I considered that huddling dilemma, but thought maybe the person could be sitting in the seat curled up with her knees against the wheel . . . ahhhh . . . maybe not, but I'm kinda tall.

A point, though. This is an excellent place where the writer should go out to a car and see if the physical movements described or implied are actually possible. I'm a big fan not only of reading dialog aloud, but of acting out descriptions of physical actions. I've corrected my own writing numerous times as a result of such exercise.

caw

Several people commented about the knees against the steering wheel. When I'm parked, I'll move my legs everywhere. I'll have them up on the dash, and like here in this line, my feet up near my butt in the seat but my legs and knees against the steering wheel.

I don't know who else does it, but I just know I've done it. Maybe huddle isn't the right word?

Am I the only girl that does this?

Should I mention when I'm driving a long stretch of familiar road, I'll sometimes put my left foot up on the dash or hanging off the window? I like my feet 'up' for some reason. Crazy lady me.

Don't even get me started on when it is that same road and I'm on cruse control.

heyjude · Jan 3, 2008

Will is right. Knees simply do not huddle. As a reader, this will make me laugh. Not good.

Happy Pooch · Jan 3, 2008

Knees don't huddle.

"Should I mention when I'm driving a long stretch of familiar road, I'll sometimes put my left foot up on the dash or hanging off the window?"

I hope never to encounter you on the road.

I have trouble with threads about a single sentence and don't understand their purpose. Is it really the only sentence in the MS that's off? If so, just delete it or rephrase until you end up with something that you like. But the fact that the question was asked, leads me to believe that there are more "off" sentences.

Button · Jan 3, 2008

Happy Pooch said:
But the fact that the question was asked, leads me to believe that there are more "off" sentences.

I am sure there are plenty, hence why I'm revising. I wouldn't fuss so much except this one, while not vital, is still important. Her position here is vital to the next part.

I probably shouldn't edit when tired and I am to the point that a sentence doesn't look right.

ACEnders · Jan 4, 2008

Will Lavender said:
I don't like the phrase "huddled up" applying to knees there.

Can knees huddle? I think of various things huddling -- football players, etc. -- but not knees. And really, if you think about it, there's a certain amount of "huddling" going on every time one gets into a car. It may be overkill.

I would just let the sun warm the wheel and the knees, and omit the huddling bit.

I concur.

I think the whole huddled part sounds funny. I also pictured football players, not knees. If the character's feet are up by his or her butt, then maybe use "curled" or "tucked" And I agree to go with shone rather than shined.

DeadlyAccurate · Jan 4, 2008

ButtonTheCat said:
This line is bugging the heck out of me. I think my editing mind is tired but could someone point out why this sentence doesn't sound right to me?

[FONT=&quot]The morning sunlight shined down through the windshield, warming my knees huddled up against the steering wheel.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I think "shined down through" sounds funny, but I can't tell if it is because I've read it so many times, or if it really does sound funny.[/FONT]

How about

The morning sunlight shone through the windshield, warming my knees resting against the steering wheel.

Alternately,

The morning sunlight shone through the windshield, warming my knees tucked against the steering wheel.

Paichka · Jan 4, 2008

ButtonTheCat said:
Should I mention when I'm driving a long stretch of familiar road, I'll sometimes put my left foot up on the dash or hanging off the window? I like my feet 'up' for some reason. Crazy lady me.

I do this, too! Not hang my foot out the window, mind, but the foot up on the dash bit. I thought I was the only one. ;-)

GerriB · Jan 4, 2008

ButtonTheCat said:
This line is bugging the heck out of me. I think my editing mind is tired but could someone point out why this sentence doesn't sound right to me?

[FONT=&quot]The morning sunlight shined down through the windshield, warming my knees huddled up against the steering wheel. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I think "shined down through" sounds funny, but I can't tell if it is because I've read it so many times, or if it really does sound funny.[/FONT]

The morning sunlight shone through the windshield, warming my knees braced against the steering wheel.

or

Even with my legs numb from being braced against the steering wheel, I could feel the warmth on my kneecaps from the morning sunlight shining through the windshield.

When in doubt, try reversing the sentence structure. Put the end at the beginning, and go from there.

A Line Doesn't Sound Right?

Button

Resident in Question

geardrops

Good thing I like my day job

otterman

Word Voyeur

IceCreamEmpress

Hapless Virago

Button

Resident in Question

Will Lavender

Everything is what it seems.

blacbird

BarbaraKE

blacbird

BethS

Button

Resident in Question

heyjude

Making my own sunshine

Happy Pooch

Button

Resident in Question

ACEnders

Self-Banned

DeadlyAccurate

Absolutely Fazed

Paichka

The BIC-Believer

GerriB

Dazed and Confuzzled