My 20 minute short film, LUCID

bravo!

excellent work, sir. i would be very interested in seeing the execution of this. regardless, the script is tight - complex without being confusing, revealing without being too talky.

you should be proud.

best of luck with the shoot.

-william

Congrats!

Double.

Congrats on a very well written, surreal and thought provoking short script.
I know your self producing, so I won't rant about formatting issues I have, but I will briefly point out a few things for those who are looking to sell their scripts rather than self produce.

I would ever so briefly describe your characters when first intro'd. Ages, types, etc. I don't care if they are tall, short or have brown hair, but give me a feel for them and who they are.

Is Danniele O.S. in the first scene. If so, add it.

I wouldn't use (CONT'D) in Characters when the speak again. I would only use them for when a character's line bleeds onto the next page.

The same for Time of Day in your sluglines. Continuous, Moments later, and such are implied and not needed. Use only when a clear, definate shift in time happens.

You mention names of books but not that it is a book. You say she's taking notes, but on what? Paper, laptop? There are other times in the script where things are not as clear as they could be. Not many, but a few.

For your one paragraph scenes, I would break them up a bit for emphasis and directing the audience. It is an effective way of not only creating white space which makes it easier to read, but it is also a subtle way of implying a close up or actions that the audience should pay attention too. Be careful not to do it too much though, because it will look like padding if not done right. Just a thought.

I would speckle in Sid earlier but make it very subtle so the audience may not even notice it.

Structurally, it works well as well as your dialog, but I would consider moving up the scene with the professor in his office a little. It is the first scene that really drives home the questions Nolan faces. In many ways this one of the most important scene for me. It tells me what the movie is really about but a hit over the head. Great job on that one.

At the end I would have liked a slightly clearer sense of which was each scene film-- Dream or Reality. The end should be IMHO a reveal so that the audience can see where each shift was in the film, but not during the film while watching it. In other words, I would have liked if the lines between dreams and reality blended even more to the bizarre so that only at the end can the audience see where the true lines where.

I am put to mind stylistically and thematically to Donna Darko, Jacobs Ladder and even Carnival of Souls. which is all good. You may want to look at those films more to see how you can make the blending of reality and dream even more obscure and surreal.

Don't get me wrong, I think you have a top notch short here. My comments are meant more for little tweaks to make a great script even better...

Just asking -- I'm curious, not interrogative -- when you say "We are producing this film" do you mean as an indie project you've set up and are funding yourselves? Or is it a college-backed project using college resources, no-fee student actors, etc.?

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.

Be sure to get festival and/or limited use rights for use of the song lyrics from Pinnochio. Even if Disney doesn't sue you, many bigger fests will disqualify you if you don't have proper clearances. A good habit to get into for when you make films for distribution. Also, list original lyricist in credits.

A question: would getting ASCAP permission cover that, or do we have to get the permission from each artist/songwriter/label? (Definitely give credits, however)

ASCAP, I believe is only for recorded music. For lyrics used as dialog, I think you would have to go directly to the owner of the published lyrics in this case Disney. However, you may be able to use it without permission or cost under the fair use doctrine. Also, if he speaks it rather than sings it, that may help you get around it altogether. I'm not a lawyer so I don't know all the particulars.

criticism

I didn't and won't read your short. I'm glad you've gotten useful feedback from people here, Double IT. But keep in mind there is no script you can write that will satisfy everyone, and that some people are hyper critical.

Also, when making a film, while you obviously want a good script, other elements such as the directing, the lighting and photography, the editing, and the acting are all as important to making the film good. The script alone does not make a good film.

With that said, perhaps your script is good and ready to go. It's just a short and I'm sure you'll do other stuff in the future. Besides, as you're filming you can change the script if something doesn't work. Also, what do your actors thing about it? Any feedback from them?

While we are both college students this is totally indipendent of the college (They are not very supportive of our efforts anyway, we dont like using any of their resources, except we have to use their sound stage). We are funding this ourselves, using our own equipment, etc, and will be submitting it to the various fests next year when its done.

What made me ask the question was the number of speaking characters (15-ish?) plus little things like "a thousand eyes... watch him" -- suggesting 500 students in the lecture hall? -- which made me wonder what your budget constraints were. And of course the guy falling from the rooftop, I wondered how you were going to do that, wire or SFX, both probably cost money, both may need stuntperson, coordinator, safety inspector, all that good stuff. You don't seem to be writing "small indie production." So now you've got me wondering just how rich you are.

Good luck with the project and best wishes for the film festivals.

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.

Double,

I read your script. This comment comes from a writer's standpoint as well as a reader's, but not a filmmaker's by any respect.

You definitely have something interesting here; could turn out to be something really great visually. On one hand, however, you even pointed it out yourself in one post, I'm wondering if your symbolism isn't too obvious.

For example: Nolan Dozier. His last name is enough to get you thinking, but when you call him No-Doz, it might just be too much of a smack in the face symbolism-wise. A lot is going on in a short amount of time, but the main point you're drilling (and rightly so) is Nolan's sleeping habits, and I'm not quite sure such a blatant reinforcer is necessary. The same goes for Sid's name being a reproduction of the Id. Sid is less obvious, but the quick viewer will make the connection anyway. Did you see Donnie Darko? I'm assuming you did; most college students have. You have some similiarities between that film and your own, and I bring it up only to say that sometimes it's best to let the readers make the connections on their own - you get something entirely new out of a film if everything "clicks" all on its own, especially if it's mainly psychological, like your own.

In the end, this is your personal choice. It's your symbolism after all, I just wanted to bring this up in case you hadn't thought of it before.

Good luck!

Double IT

I have a few comments to make but I would like to see what changes you've made to the script first. I've gone to your site and the script is not there.
Is the posted link to the most current version?

Over all it is a really nice script. Great pacing and an engaging story.

Here goes.

I think you are missing a key element, or else I did.


I didn't know what Adderall was so I looked it up. It's a drug used to treat ADHD and Narcolepsy. The script gives the impression that Nolan is abusing the drug.

Lines like : She responds with a GLARE.


DANIELLE
Well it's the last time I'm doing
this **** for you.

and


DANIELLE
Bet you'd kick the habit if I
stopped ****ing you.


These make it sound like he's just a junky.


I've read the script over a couple times and I can't find anything that indicates Nolan has a MEDICAL problem. Danielle mentions a coma, that could simply be the drugs. Nolan dozes off in class, who hasn't?

Why was he prescribed the drug in the first place? These things are very addictive and once they aren't working any more I can understand why he would take more of them. His struggle to help himself becomes an addiction that leads to his death.


I wonder if Nolan losing the battle with his medical condition couldn’t heighten the tragic impact of the story?


I'm not sure how you should write that in, or if you thought about it and didn't want to go there, however I do think you can create more audience sympathy for Nolan and make the story much more poignant and moving by adding in that element.

Right now, eh, he's just another loony druggy who comes to an unfortunate end before he can hurt anybody else.


Now for my more typical faultfinding.


He puts the remaining bags away. Ave picks through the bag
and retrieves a smaller bag filled with Adderall.


This action line confused me. If Ave has put the other bags away then what other bag is he picking through to find the Adders? Simplify by just leaving a small bag of Adderall.


" He spots Danielle and Kurt leaning against a muraled wall. They booth try to hide their worried looks. "

Should be both.

INSERT: POV SCOPE - In between the crosshairs, students
unknowingly come and go. It appears as though Sid is
everywhere.

Consider stating Sid's presence as a FACT. I know you are directing this yourself but in a spec this would be a key line and needs emphasis.

Try > Sid is everywhere.

You're coming to the climax. Be bold about what is happening.

His hand comes out of his jacket as he falls back. The letter
drops from his hand and drifts to the ground. Nolan THUDS on
the ground below to the heightened screams of onlookers.

Nolan's body will fall faster then the letter. Cut the "drifts to the ground" part and replace this line The letter lands in a puddle of water. with it. Now it would read The letter drifts to the ground, lands in a puddle of water.

This is a much stronger image; it implies a focus on the letter, falling, gently, beautifully and creates in us a more intense desire to know what it says. We want to know and we are just sitting on the edge of our seats waiting, waiting, NEEDING, CRAVING the reveal.

Then, you finally give it to us.

Still, a great script. Very well done.
Keep us up to date on this. I think it's a great short and someday I would really like to see how it translated to film.