Is this stupid?

JoNightshade · Oct 8, 2007

Have you ever written a line, a turn of phrase, or a sentence, and found youself wondering, "Is this awesome, or just stupid?"

Post it here for feedback.

Right now I am wondering if this line is stupid:

“Roger! You—you called!” His gruff baritone was better than a massage.

Roger, my MC's love interest, never uses the phone. But she is in a very stressful situation, so he called. I'm wondering about the "better than a massage" bit. Does that just sound dumb? I was thinking about replacing it with "His gruff baritone made her feel better instantly."

So: awesome or stupid?

Hillary · Oct 8, 2007

Yes, it's stupid.*

*I like to read the titles of threads that pose questions and invent an answer before I read the thread. So, basically, my answer means nothing.

*helpful*

Ava Jarvis · Oct 8, 2007

In these situations I think of "soothed her <insert word or descriptive phrase for worries here>". I don't know why.

"better than a massage" works better in a massage place

or if she is preoccupied with other massage-like stuff.

However, it could work. I guess it might depend on context.

bsolah · Oct 8, 2007

I'll be honest. It's not stupid but I don't like the 'gruff baritone' bit. It's too wordy.

I'd go for something similar like

"Roger! You-you called!" His voice was better than a massage.

JoNightshade · Oct 8, 2007

::Jo squeezes eyes shut and clings to gruff baritone::

Sunkissed27f · Oct 8, 2007

At first I though it was a guy talking...!

JoNightshade · Oct 8, 2007

Sunkissed27f said:
At first I though it was a guy talking...!

I think in context, it makes sense.

Shady Lane · Oct 8, 2007

Ooh, I'll play! I wrote this and I don't know if it's stupid or not....

For a minute Hale just stood, staring at the building. I could see all his thoughts chewing up the sides of his brain like meningitis.

JoNightshade · Oct 8, 2007

Shady Lane said:
Ooh, I'll play! I wrote this and I don't know if it's stupid or not....

For a minute Hale just stood, staring at the building. I could see all his thoughts chewing up the sides of his brain like meningitis.

My issue with this is that you CAN'T "see" meningitis chewing up someone's brains. If it was just "His thoughts chewed up the sides of his brain like meningitis," I would be fine.

Oh, and I deleted "massage." Well, *I* thought it was clever. But then, I just had a whole conversation in another thread about my lack of figurative language skills.

Shady Lane · Oct 8, 2007

I'm worried about the sort-of POV shift, though...

Saundra Julian · Oct 8, 2007

Shady Lane said:
Ooh, I'll play! I wrote this and I don't know if it's stupid or not....

For a minute Hale just stood, staring at the building. I could see all his thoughts chewing up the sides of his brain like meningitis.

Does she have x-ray vision?

I know, I know.... she's Super-Woman!

JoNightshade · Oct 8, 2007

POV shift is not my problem!

Saundra Julian · Oct 8, 2007

Good, Jo, it was very confusing!

Wolvel · Oct 8, 2007

After my smart comment had escaped my lips, my brain had wished someone had kicked me in the nuts before I opened my mouth.

melaniehoo · Oct 8, 2007

Jo, I don't mind the massage comment, but maybe you could preface it with 'his voice soothed her better than any massage could.' Not that, but something along those lines. Makes me feel relaxed & tingly.

PeeDee · Oct 8, 2007

If this were a novel set in a prison, that massage line would be hilarious.

Devil Ledbetter · Oct 9, 2007

Jo, if you love massage you could use "His gruff baritone massaged her ear." Or, if it's the emotional soothing you want to portray, "His gruff baritone massaged her soul."

David I · Oct 9, 2007

"There's such a thin line between stupid and clever."

From the movie This is Spinal Tap

Jean Marie · Oct 9, 2007

His gruff baritone soothed her

joetrain · Oct 9, 2007

bsolah said:
I'll be honest. It's not stupid but I don't like the 'gruff baritone' bit. It's too wordy.[/I]

i agree. the massage part i like; the gruff baritone is, well, see above.

JoNightshade · Oct 9, 2007

Okay okay we can stop talking about my line now! Someone else's turn!

chartreuse · Oct 9, 2007

Shady Lane said:
Ooh, I'll play! I wrote this and I don't know if it's stupid or not....

For a minute Hale just stood, staring at the building. I could see all his thoughts chewing up the sides of his brain like meningitis.

What about that brain-eating amoeba that lives in warm water? That thing LITERALLY chews up your brain.

RumpleTumbler · Oct 9, 2007

JoNightshade said:
“Roger! You—you called!” His gruff baritone was better than a massage.

Negative on the gruff baritone. I'm stopping and trying to figure out what that might sound like, it's distracting. Nobody's voice is better than a massage but then again it were a metaphor! Yuk Yuk! :e2tongue:

Jean Marie · Oct 9, 2007

JoNightshade said:
Okay okay we can stop talking about my line now! Someone else's turn!

Your line's fun

Jean Marie · Oct 9, 2007

chartreuse said:
What about that brain-eating amoeba that lives in warm water? That thing LITERALLY chews up your brain.

Yes, it does. And it's lake water, not running water. It doesn't spit it out, either.

Is this stupid?

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