Tea & Cigarettes (500 words - please crit)

Koobie · Aug 29, 2007

REMOVED

Koobie · Aug 30, 2007

Yes? No? Beat him with big fat cucumber on a stick 'till he stops raping the English language? I'd prefer negative comments over no comments at all TBH. At least then I'd know why people didn't like it. :tongue

ALG71 · Aug 30, 2007

Lol. That was funny. Especially how he died.

alanna · Aug 30, 2007

Oooh... writers and the afterlife. I'm hooked. Here are some comments...

Koobie said:
Tea & Cigarettes

I opened my eyes and saw that I was sitting behind a small restaurant table with a man I’ve (I'd) never met sitting opposite to me, sipping what appeared to be clunky and disturbs your very clear image. "Waking up" is a cliche opening... but you make it work for the story. tea. The man seemed to be in his thirties, and was and sported... use active voice? sporting a short black beard, a small golden earring in his ear, delete... serial comma and a charming spark in his eyes.

“Where… Where am I?”
“Here,” said the stranger and took another sip. (this line rocks)
“Where’s here? And who are you, anyway delete. I might even delete the "Where's here? And", since he seems befuddled and too confused to really think straight... but that's just me.?”
“William,” he said, putting down his tea. He then (delete) took out a cigarette pack, opened it, and casually threw a smoke in his mouth.
“Excuse me?”
“I’m William. And you must be Ernest Wright, correct?” he said, taking out a little notebook. He took a short glance at it, and reassuringly stated,
“Yes, Ernest Wright. Nice to meet you then.”
“Em… Pleasure’s all mine. Now, I hope you don’t mind me asking… But who are you? And just where the hell am I?” You've already asked these...
“Add "You're" to the front of the sentence? Dead,” said William, and lit his cigarette.
“Dead?”
“Dimensionally challenged.”
“Wait a min-”
“Perpetually immobilized.”
“I’m not-”
“Eternally at peace.”
“Wha-”
“Not alive.”
“Hold on a-”
“Dead.”

::happy sigh:: I love that exchange!

I looked at the table. I looked at his cigarette. It burnt a bright orange light, leaving an ash trail hanging on the tip as my companion inhaled the smoke. It all looked real enough. Too many "looked"s. Maybe delete the first sentence and change the last "looked" to "seemed?"

“No way,” I said.
“Yes way,” said William, and winked completely unexpectedly.
“Em. That sucks.”
“Sure does. Anyway, I’m just here to acquaint you with the surroundings. It’s kinda my job now. We had Lewis Carroll doing that some time ago, but he met Oscar Wilde one day and they climbed down some rabbit hole outside town, and now neither wants to come out.”The rabbit hole bit is cool... but a bit too fantastical for what we've seen of your setting. Maybe change the reason they're unavailable?
“Right… Em…”
“Look, I know how I’m supposed to show you around and all, but I’m sure you can manage on your own. Right? Right. Just don’t go North – that’s where all the critics are.”Woohoo! Great line.
“Em…”
“Well, been a pleasure, Ernest,”New sentence he stood up and promptly departed. In a minute, I was the only man in the entire restaurant. Or whatever the heck it was. Both William’s notebook and the cigarette pack still lay on the table, right next to the teacup. The notebook was open on a page that read,

Ernest Vincent Wright

1873 A.D. – 1939 A.D.

Literary accomplishment(s): wrote a grammatically correct 50,000+ story without ever using the letter “e.”

Death due to: writing a grammatically correct 50,000+ story without ever using the letter “e.”

I smirked and took the cigarettes. I took one out and lit it (I always knew my lucky Zippome being ignorant, but I want to know. What's a Zippo? would one day come in handy).

Perhaps I should’ve written my “Gadsby” without the letter “f” instead, I thought, enjoying the cigarette - Shakespeare smoked Marlboro Reds.

Totally awesome. Love it.

ALG71 · Aug 31, 2007

Zippo is the metal cased reusable lighter that flips open at the top before you light it. If you've seen X-Men 2, that kid that manipulates fire carries a Zippo.

Koobie · Aug 31, 2007

Thanks for the comments, alanna and ALG71. I especially liked the line-edit - did some minor tweaking to the thing per your advise. And yeah, Zippo is a famous US lighter brand, nowadays the word can be used as a noun. Some people keep them as good-luck talismans (mine has "Koobie" engraved into it)

. The title's a reference to Jim Jarmusch's indie film Coffee & Cigarettes, BTW. No "f" though, hence, tea.

yesandno · Aug 31, 2007

I like this a lot. It definitely amused me. I do have a question though, because I'm dense

, why are they using modern slang? Shouldn't they be using 1939 slang? Or is the afterlife not on the same timeline?

Koobie · Aug 31, 2007

Yep, technically, you're right. They should. However, I thought I'd have much less fun writing this if I were to make all the dialogue "old fashioned" - and either way, we probably didn't speak all that differently 70 years ago. :tongue

I thought about doing the timeline thing, but then decided that it'd look too much like an info-dump, so I dropped that too. Thanks for reading, glad you liked it!

Stijn Hommes · Sep 4, 2007

I opened my eyes and saw that I was sitting ~~behind~~ at a small restaurant table with a man ~~I’ve~~ I never met sitting opposite to me, sipping what appeared to be tea.

With "seemed to be" in the next line, "appeared to be" is very close to repitition and not very strong. How about "what smelled like cinnamon tea".

"Dead," said William, and lit his cigarette.

I'd include the word 'he' between 'and' and 'lit' here just to sooth my grammar gremlins. Or ", as he"
The whole synonyms for dead exchange is hilarious and is the one thing in there I would never in a million years want to see edited. It gives William a distinct funny voice. I'm okay with him using modern words. He was ahead of his time in his writing anyway.

“Yes way,” said William, and winked completely unexpectedly.

Same again. The clause has no subject. In this case I'd write two seperate sentences. One with the dialogue and the tag, the other with the action.

Look, I know how I’m supposed to show you around and all, but I’m sure you can manage on your own.

Doesn't look like he takes any pride in his job at all.

50000 words is usually a novel or book. A story sounds shorter.

I smirked and took the cigarettes. I took one out and lit it (I always knew my lucky Zippo would one day come in handy).

You take the packet rather than the cigarettes otherwise it's pretty hard to "take one out". I'd write "come in handy one day."

Perhaps I should’ve written my “Gadsby” without the letter “f” instead, I thought, enjoying the cigarette - Shakespeare smoked Marlboro Reds.

How where you enjoying the cigarette. Inhaling, sucking in the taste, blowing smoke circles? I think that can be more specific.

Hope I've given some useful comments. If not, just ignore em.

Tea & Cigarettes (500 words - please crit)

Koobie

Super Duper Member

Koobie

Super Duper Member

ALG71

Defanged Hellraiser

alanna

ALG71

Defanged Hellraiser

Koobie

Super Duper Member

yesandno

stagnationtown

Koobie

Super Duper Member

Stijn Hommes

Know what you write...