Narration / Voice Over question

Sunshine13 · Aug 28, 2007

Alright, so I'm tinkering with starting the beginning of my script somewhere else. With that said, I'll have a voice over of someone (more than likely a pivotal character) at the beginning, with shots of a battle. However, I wasn't sure if I should give the narrator a name (assign a character to it) or leave that up to the director, you know, assuming my script will ever sell.

My brain is telling me go ahead and assign it. But I just wanted to ask anyway. I'm thinking I may give it to the princess. Makes more sense, seeing as it's her world and all. ramble, ramble...

EDIT: Oh...and how would I go about writing the character name if the princess hasn't been introduced yet? Is that a fopah (how the hell do you spell that word?)? Does that question make sense?

Oh and one more question....how would I do the action sequences while she's talking? What's the best way to say she's talking over the sequences, or rather, format it instead of "Dialog" "Action" since the dialog and action are happening at the same time? I'm going to go return to my screenwriter's bible lol....

Rainy Night · Aug 28, 2007

If the narrator is going to show up as character later then I think you should identify the person by the character name.

Stealth66 · Aug 28, 2007

I agree with Rainy. That's what I did with my characters who didn't appear until later on. Glen Morgan does it with his script "Black Christmas," and I'm sure many others do it, too.

With the voice overs, wouldn't you just insert them where you want them as the action is playing out? Maybe I didn't understand your Q. By using V.O., we'd know it's narration.

In the script mentioned above, we have a Ms. Mac doing voice over narration while the story of Billy Lenz plays out on screen, even though we don't yet know who Ms. Mac is or when and where she'll appear later on.

Here's a piece of Black Christmas:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT - (1977) - CLOSE - BILLY'S EYES

Although yellowed irises appear inhuman, the 13 year old boy's eyes are emotionless. Lonely.

MS. MAC (V.O.)
'Course, he didn't have a long white beard,
but chronic jaundice left him with yellow
skin and eyes.

WIDER - A KITCHEN CUPBOARD

is ajar. Dim light falls on the yellow eye of a pre-teen boy inside the cupboard. Looking. Watching...

MS. MAC (V.O.)
His parents... hated each other.
They both... hated Billy.

clockwork · Aug 28, 2007

ChristaCarol13 said:
Alright, so I'm tinkering with starting the beginning of my script somewhere else. With that said, I'll have a voice over of someone (more than likely a pivotal character) at the beginning, with shots of a battle. However, I wasn't sure if I should give the narrator a name (assign a character to it) or leave that up to the director, you know, assuming my script will ever sell.

My brain is telling me go ahead and assign it. But I just wanted to ask anyway. I'm thinking I may give it to the princess. Makes more sense, seeing as it's her world and all. ramble, ramble...

EDIT: Oh...and how would I go about writing the character name if the princess hasn't been introduced yet? Is that a fopah (how the hell do you spell that word?)? Does that question make sense?

Oh and one more question....how would I do the action sequences while she's talking? What's the best way to say she's talking over the sequences, or rather, format it instead of "Dialog" "Action" since the dialog and action are happening at the same time? I'm going to go return to my screenwriter's bible lol....

Take a breath, it's all right.

Your keyword with this kind of thing is: clarity. Serve clarity.

Introduce the narrator if it's one of your characters. Even something as simple as;

EXT. BATTLEGROUND - NIGHT

Battle stuff, description, more battle stuff.

The voice of PRINCESS BUBO-

BUBO (V.O.)
In 1654, the two armies of...

Battle stuff, battle stuff.

It's impossible to do these simoultaneously without it being clunky so just choose the most appropriate times for the voice over.

Oh, and it's "faux pas" meaning false step.

dpaterso · Aug 28, 2007

Is it OK for me to jump up and down and wave my arms and yell, "NO, MERCY, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, NOT ANOTHER VOICE OVER, AAAIIEEEE!"

Unless it's damn good. Unless it has plenty of character, and tells us something the action doesn't tell us. Crap example, for which I offer apologies in advance:

EXT. SKIES ABOVE BATTLEFIELD - DAY

A fleet of fat, slow-moving airships and buzzing triplanes rises
to engage sleek black triangular craft that appear to be from a
different, more futuristic age.

PRINCESS BUBO (V.O.)
I was jolly angry with Hester, she
pricked me in the ankle with a needle
and it hurt ever so much. Honestly,
you just can't find good dressmakers
these days. But I so needed a new
ballgown for the celebrations.

Explosions, screams, falling bodies and wreckage, as the triangular
craft blast their enemies from the sky.

PRINCESS BUBO (V.O.)
Well of course we were going to
win the battle, there was never
any doubt in my mind.

Burning triplanes spiral to the ground, trailing smoke.

PRINCESS BUBO (V.O.)
I ordered the palace kitchens to
prepare a victory feast for our
courageous troops. I do love
spider-chickens, all those juicy
drumsticks, yum!

An airship with a red eagle painted on its skin crashes.

PRINCESS BUBO (V.O.)
Tonight the red eagle banner of Lower
Falstaff would flutter proudly from every
mast in the realm, hoorah!

The victorious triangular craft form up into vees and fly over
the battlefield, now littered with wreckage and corpses.

PRINCESS BUBO (V.O.)
But then General what's-his-name
received a telegram. Whatever it
said made him turn pale and he had
to sit down.

...Shrug, just an idea, feel free to ignore me, hate mail invited, etc.

-Derek

Sunshine13 · Aug 28, 2007

Derek, you're a mess.

OK, so I get what you guys are saying, I sort of figured it, but wanted to ask anyway. And I'm a VERY visual person (hence the reason my stupid damn "action" lines are so friggin' long!) so...you know...when I play it out in my head, Princess...Bubo...which I may have to think about renaming Allora to this now

, will not be talking about her dress, the ball, you know...whatever

No but seriously....I picture battle images that, a lot of shots, seem blurry, almost like paint swirling together...at first. As the short (it will be short...no Lord of the Rings here...) narration continues, the shots get wider, showing more than just disgruntled soldiers trying to kill each other, but the vast difference in technology between the two.

My main idea was to begin the script (btw, if there is a more "standard" way of doing this, let me know.)

BLACK SCREEN

PRINCESS ALLORA (V.O.)
We were once a peaceful planet.

From there, I'm struggling with a Fade In, or just a grab-your-attention um...would it be "Cut in" cause that just doesn't sound right...I want to images of soldiers battling each other tight and fast. Then she'll go on with the rest of her narration, which of course I'm going to have fun trying to write *smacks forehead*

So I'm adding a beginning, needed a title change, changing the ending, and perfecting my battle scenes. All I can say is....&%%$!!

It's all HIS fault *points to Derek*

But tis all a good thing. Hopefully it will be better in the end. My only goal is that one day, I'll post my first ten pages of a script in AW and have someone, just someone (cause we all know there's always one person that can manage to find everything wrong with your script!) that will say "Holy Crap! That's an awesome Script! Good as is!"

I could die a happy woman. Even happier if it'd sell.

END TANGENT

zeprosnepsid · Aug 28, 2007

Not to be a downer, but I suggest not starting your script with Voice Over. Especially if it's a spec script and especially with the line "We were once a peaceful planet" which is a little cliche. I used to be a reader and if I opened a script and it started with V.O. and that line followed by battle images I'd stop reading. I'm sorry if this is a little harsh, but I mean it in a helpful way! Voice Over is very very looked down upon in spec scripts. But sometimes you do have to do whatever is best for your story...

clockwork · Aug 28, 2007

For the record, I have copyrited the name "Princess Bubo."

Sunshine13 · Aug 28, 2007

lol Chris!

Hm...once again I seem to be in a dilema.

clockwork · Aug 28, 2007

Do what you think is right. You can always change it later.

Sometimes you have to do the things you're so set on in order to find out whether you really need it or not. I bet by the time you've drafted this opening sequence you'll have a more intuitive feel for what will work best. There aren't really any hard and fast rules but it's always better to have a shitty draft than no draft at all.

Sunshine13 · Aug 28, 2007

Well, I have a draft lol...it's in its third revision. I've always had the same beginning though. It starts right after a battle they've won ends. It was suggested the script (movie in my head) starts in battle. And thinking over it, it seemed brilliant my idea. Mainly because I'm a sucker for those kind of movies. As a movie goer (not a reader or prodco, mind you) I'd be thrilled, sittign in my seat, as a voice comes over the speakers with a black screen before we're suddenly thrust into a fierce and gruesome battle between worlds. But...that's just me. I like those kind of movies, but what I see when I write/read my script isn't always what the reader will see. I'll take your suggestion, and at least go with what I have in my head so far and see where it leaves me. I'm still stressed. I want to try and submit it to a contest that's deadline is Oct. 1, and I've been slammed with all this other outside crap of things to do I haven't been able to work on my script enough....ok, I ramble so much. Jeez.

Flu · Aug 28, 2007

I agree with the suggestions to start with the battle rather than right after the battle.
I don't think a bird's eye view type of battle sequence with narration explaining what happened in this universe up until this point is necessarily the best option though.

I'd go into the battle at ground level - with the main character(s). This is the first battle they win since the war started, years ago. How exactly do they achieve that, and what role do the main characters play in that, is what I'd want to see.

Maybe we're with a sergeant in the heat of the battle, who stands his ground and maintains discipline among his men, even with 80% of his squad wiped out.
And maybe we're in the operations room with the princess, watching the battle unfold on a tactical display. Maybe she sees something the generals don't, makes an unconventional suggestion, going completely against standard military wisdom.
Maybe the sergeant's bravery is a key factor in pulling off this crazy scheme.
And maybe this all works as a setup, and this combination of courage and out-of-the-box thinking is what will win them the final battle at the end of the movie.

Just an example, obviously this may not fit in your story.
But basically, working the "big picture" info into the story from a close and personal perspective usually works better than a narration, imo. The starting point - how they get their first victory in this war, and how they deal with this victory - seems to leave plenty of options to give info about what happened before the movie starts, without a need to start with a voice over.

-Johan

Sunshine13 · Aug 28, 2007

Flu said:
I agree with the suggestions to start with the battle rather than right after the battle.
I don't think a bird's eye view type of battle sequence with narration explaining what happened in this universe up until this point is necessarily the best option though.

Well, I wasn't going for the birds eye view. I was going for the gritty, in your face soldiers fighting view. So I agree.

Flu said:
I'd go into the battle at ground level - with the main character(s). This is the first battle they win since the war started, years ago. How exactly do they achieve that, and what role do the main characters play in that, is what I'd want to see.

The main characters aren't involved in this battle. They are the ones who inevitibly save the planet, but it is because the god of said planet sends them "through time and space" to Earth, where the ancestor of their enemy is, and hence they must destroy him. See my problem? The princess isn't going to be in the battle. She's...a princess. Even the Warrior isn't, because he is from another realm of this planet that isn't yet part of the War.

Three years. Every one says years ago which makes it sound like 5+ years

I'm being picky...but anyway, in the grand scheme of things, it's the second actual battle that's taken place, lasting for quite some time. It isn't as if they've battled ten or so battles and this is the first one, but they ARE rather proud of being victoriuos, even though it's bitter sweet after loosing the king and queen. Which honestly may just be the King. I'm toying around with the Queen having been gone since the princess was a girl. Anyway, off topic...

Flu said:
Maybe we're with a sergeant in the heat of the battle, who stands his ground and maintains discipline among his men, even with 80% of his squad wiped out.
And maybe we're in the operations room with the princess, watching the battle unfold on a tactical display. Maybe she sees something the generals don't, makes an unconventional suggestion, going completely against standard military wisdom.
Maybe the sergeant's bravery is a key factor in pulling off this crazy scheme.
And maybe this all works as a setup, and this combination of courage and out-of-the-box thinking is what will win them the final battle at the end of the movie.

Something to think about, Johan, thanks. It's inspiring some idea sout of me.

I'll eventually sort this out.

dpaterso · Aug 29, 2007

Just thinking aloud... an alternative to that pesky complex battle stuff might be opening on a group of wounded, dented, muddy, smoke-blackened soldiers gathered under a tattered flag, ready to make their last stand... but out of the smoke gallops an excited scout who reports, "They've gone! Every last one of them is gone! They've retreated! We've won!" The soldiers cheer, tho' the grizzled General scratches his jaw and wonders why the heck the enemy would pull back when victory was within his grasp.

One short scene to give you dramatic setup and a link to what comes next.

Optionally... an enemy General docks his shuttle aboard Grand Marshal Evil Madman's orbiting battle platform, and angrily marches into Evil Madman's control room to demand why he was ordered to pull his forces back when victory was within his grasp. Evil Madman reveals his Evil Plan: "I didn't ask you to turn this planet into a morgue, General. I want slaves who will swell the ranks of my undefeatable army." Evil Madman presses a button and the screaming General is blown out the airlock! Maybe.

Two short dramatic setup scenes to lead into the Princess's sequence, which now plays out differently, with the threat of further evil enemy activity hanging over everything that happens. Shrug, maybe not. I'm just saying that's what you're missing. We have to see something that clues us in to Princess Bubo's desperate situation and pumps up drama levels.

"Princess Bubo" and associated action figures are ® and © 2007 clock_work9

-Derek

NikeeGoddess · Aug 29, 2007

i say drop the newbie mistake of voice over altogether and make it visual.

show that it's a peaceful planet - lush carpet of green moss and ivy covered trees, butterflies, humingbirds, and wildflowers, etc... and then all of a sudden being splattered by blood and crushed by soldiers' boots. bring on the battle scene!

Sunshine13 · Aug 29, 2007

dpaterso said:
"Princess Bubo" and associated action figures are ® and © 2007 clock_work9

-Derek

Some more ideas to think over. I'm taking today as a break, because the entire thing has stressed my out (let alone trying to think of a title), so maybe tomorrow I'll feel renewed and have some ideas to throw in.

Narration / Voice Over question

Sunshine13

Mom by day, writer by night!

Rainy Night

INFJ

Stealth66

Drummin' the frustrations away.

clockwork

In the zone...

dpaterso

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Sunshine13

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zeprosnepsid

clockwork

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Sunshine13

Mom by day, writer by night!

clockwork

In the zone...

Sunshine13

Mom by day, writer by night!

Flu

Sunshine13

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dpaterso

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels

NikeeGoddess

Sunshine13

Mom by day, writer by night!