Can anyone help me?

I'm tearing my hair out with frustration here. All I want to do is to have the chance to write. I'm in an enviable position in that I have some savings and don't need to work for the next year or so. I wanted to use this time to write. I worked hard for years and I believe I've earned a break. Great, right? Wrong.

Time spent in "playing" at the computer, typing away at my short stories or working on my second novel, is time when my girlfriend feels ignored. After an hour or so she grows moody and starts to complain. I'm obsessed, she'll tell me. Other people don't sit and ignore their partners. Sometimes she'll put a film on, and then I have 90 minutes more freedom in which to work (I've grown used to working with the TV blaring). But when the film stops, so must the writing. If it doesn't, she'll demand I speak to her or she'll just stomp around the room in a rage, clatter pans in the sink, put her awful, grating, whining, teeth-grinding music on the stereo.

I'd like to be able to treat my writing as a job. If I had the chance to work 5 or 6 hours a day at it, I'd be thrilled. When my girlfriend was working, it was bliss. I could write all day. Now that she's not, things are impossible. If I escape to another room, I'm shunning her, and she won't stand for that. I've tried getting up early and staying up late. Both are unacceptable. If I'm not there to cuddle her when she wakes up, like boyfriends are supposed to do, sparks will fly. If I don't come to bed soon after her, she feels unloved and can't sleep. Then she'll come back through in a mood.

It's as though my computer is another woman.

My first manuscript is in the hands of a reputable agent who has requested changes. Right now, I can't see how I'm going to find the time to do this. The hour a day I might grab feels woefully inadequate, more so because there's always a thundercloud in the room ready to burst.

I've tried to compromise. Give me a couple of hours, please, without interruption. Inevitably, this sparks an argument. I take her out several times a week. Every moment I'm not writing is spent with her. But it's never enough. I'm always distant, she'll say. And I suppose that's true; my mind is always on the stories I'm not getting a chance to write.

Please, is there anyone out there who can give me some advice? How do you juggle your work and social life? I don't want to have to choose between my writing and the woman I love. I want both. Is that too much to ask?

Or am I just being a whining git?

I think your gf sounds like a spoiled brat. She needs to grow up and find something/one other than you to validate her existence.

If you were still working outside the home she'd have to deal with her loneliness for 8+ hours. It's not at all unreasonable for her to grant you a few uninterrupted hours a day to focus on your writing without a tantrum.

IMO you're either going to have to stiffen your spine, do your work and deal with her reaction or give her (or yourself) the heave-ho.

Edited to fix a pesky typo.

I won't pretend to know you or your situation. However, from what you've described your girlfriend seems to be selfish. Have you tried to explain to her that this is a job to you? I would set aside a few hours every day and tell her that you will be WORKING during that time and would appreciate her not disturbing you or annoying you. Since she can't find it in her heart to give you this space you'll have to demand it and set a routine that she must abide.

I am married now and I was married once before... to a woman that was similarly (how do I couch this nicely) needy. My current wife and my two stepchildren grant me more time and support than my ex-wife did. They support me 100% and accept the fact that I am doing something I love and that it doesn't diminish the fact that I adore them, one bit. I set a routine, they respect it and they wait anxiously for chances to read little morsels I throw at them for input. They are my biggest/only fans *snickers*. Maybe if you involve her by sharing some of your work with her (if you aren't already) it might help you. Nobody said, you had to take anything she says with more than a grain of salt but she might at least feel less threatened by your "mistress".

Please send your excess girlfriends to me.

I second the opinion that she's acting like a spoiled brat. I always like to say that the phrase "two become one" is meant to be taken figuratively, NOT literally. Two people, no matter how much they love and like each other, NEED their own time and space. Whether it be one hour a day or eight varies from personality to personality. I've learned in relationships that the ones where we spend every waking moment we can together and NEVER take time to spend apart are the ones that crash and burn the fastest.

If you sincerely love your girlfriend, the best thing you can do for her and the relationship is to sit down and have a serious, civil discussion with her where you tell her exactly how you feel and what you need. Emphasize that you are taking into account what she needs, but you feel she is asking for too much from you. Tell her you are more than willing to compromise so that you both can be happy in the relationship (i.e., you get a set amount of hours each day to write where she agrees not to interupt you in return for spending the rest of the time together), but that if she doesn't compromise in return then it is only going to lead to resentment on both your parts.

Communication is key. If she sincerely loves you she will listen and respect your wishes. If she doesn't--then she probably isn't the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.

None of us get everything we want 100% of the time--and she needs to realize she is no different than the rest of the world. Give and take, it all comes down to give and take. And right now it sounds to me like she's doing all of the taking and none of the giving.

I know you're in a tough situation right now, but the problem isn't going to get better if you keep going the way you are now. It will only get worse. Good luck!

Amen, Frank!!

I know that, as writers, it's hard for us to see this *their* way. But reading this post, I am starting to think your g/f is the clingy type.

I went through the same thing in the very beginning. My b/f (now hubby) would constantly tap my shoulder at 2 a.m. with an "aren't you ever coming to bed?" or complain I spent too much time writing. Then he'd start reading my stuff and see exactly how much of it I got done then tell everybody within earshot "she wrote 100 pages today!" And stuff like that. It was pretty cool and eased up on him pressuring me to stop writing so much.

The thing of it is, though, he's got his own obsession: Computers. When I'd be writing, he'd be doing his programming/whatnot. (I had to laugh when I read your "it's like my computer is another woman" quote because that's actually been an issue in the 10 years we've known each other.)

My advice: Tell your g/f to grow up. Better still, she needs to stop being so whiny and get some kind of hobby or a job, or something. She CANNOT expect you to devote your time and energy to her 24/7. That is just unrealistic and any girl who feels she "deserves" that kind of treatment from her boyfriend won't stay in a relationship for very long. Unless it's with an obsessive boyfriend.

YOU deserve your freedom and time to pursue doing what you love. You are actually GOING SOMEWHERE with your writing! Give it the time and energy you want to and, meanwhile, have your girlfriend connect with some other girlfriends to keep herself entertained.

Frustrated, I'll try not to go "Dear Abbey" on you. I feel your frustration.

These are just generalizations. They may not apply to you, but if they do, then I hope they help.

1) I don't know what you mean "girlfriend", but I do suppose you have a committed relationship with her. So, rather than suppose you are just in a relationship that you shouldn't be in, I'll give you both the benefit of the doubt.

And I don't know ages, maturity level, and all of the other incidentals.

2) If you were speaking about a wife, long time committed partner, and you both love each other, which it sounds like, I'd think you'd need counseling to some degree.

If you love each other and are committed to each other and want to grow together, then it is essential that you establish boundaries that are clearly defined. A boundary is where she begins and you end, and where you begin and she ends. Controlling and possessive behaviors are not healthy in a relationship. And generally those are signs of past wounds.

For instance, if she has abandonment issues, and had a childhood where she was "invisible", she might be overly clingy to the one person she perceives is supposed to love her. And if that is the case, she probably needs some degree of counseling or another to work out those issues. I'm not telling you to tell her that. But if you really want to have a healthy relationship with someone who has deep wounds, you need to work those things out.

3) Do you have your own issues to work out? I don't know you and won't assume you do. Let's say you just love someone complex. You need to convey to her that she is important, that you care, and that you want a healthy relationship.

However, that takes two people working toward that goal. But again, if you understand healthy boundaries, you will not want to control her, or have her control you. If she feel so emotionally needy that she is clinging to you, you need to say specifically what is in your heart, because she is insecure.

I won't coach you, but you can explain that you really do love her and want to convey that. However, you want to also convey that love doesn't require that you be with her every waking moment, and only doing activities with her. She can shop, go out with friends, and needs to get a life so to speak, in which she has her diversions while you do your thing. If she has unrealistic expectations, maybe you can help her see that. But it doesn't mean you should allow yourself to be in bondage to her.

If you can't make her see that, then she needs to find someone who does "Her Dr. Phil" so to speak.

4) Another thing, many young guys are unrealistic about relationships, and have a somewhat Beer Commercial philosophy of life. I don't assume that you do, but I feel it is important to rule that out.

I know one young man whose marriage was on the rocks for a variety of reasons. But one thing that absolutely was fixable was the fact that this guy was involved in sports to an inordinate degree.

He was playing in so many leagues. It was the "I can have my cake and eat it too syndrome."

His wife was being emotionally abandoned, and needed a wake-up call to reality. And so, that plus the financial and other problems led to multiplication of stress, because she felt unloved and that her husband thought games were more important than her.

All women need to feel secure, and there are reasonable things that can be done. One is to make it a priority to ask about her day, and to listen "empathic", which means "how did her day feel to her-happy, frustrating or sad". Plus you want to do the little things to connect: foot rubs...etc. (not just pre-sex) and what you say and do.

If that doesn't make her feel secure, and this is all due to emotional wounds, then essentially nothing you can do will make her feel secure, and this is an issue she needs help to work out.

It is reasonable for you to "Work". And if you are working at writing, then it isn't a hobby, but investment in a career option. That has to come across. And it needs to be explained that when she interrupts that, it is like walking into your office at any job.

Set a reasonable boundary, example, "Honey, this is my job. I have a small window of opportunity, and if I waste it, it may not come around again. This is not simply a prolonged vacation for me...we'll do things together. Let's set up a schedule: Date nights...etc. But here's my work schedule. (hours blocked for writing).

So, if you give her "Her exclusive time" -so much each day, plus a night or so of fun- then great.

Also, encourage her to do things; not to get rid of her, but so that she is happy: hobby classes, school, a job...activities where she meets girlfriends to do things with, she will become more balanced, having things to look forward to. Because if she is sitting around bored all day long that isn't healthy for anyone.

Leave the house to write? Library, cafe, coffee shop?

Kate has a good idea, if you have the means (laptop, etc.) to leave the house, even for as long as your battery allows. Hopefully she'll be able to see that while you're away you're really getting work done, and eventually you could move back into the home for writing.

At the same time, I'd suggest that while convincing her to support you in your writing, you should encourage her to find a hobby or passion of her own. It sounds like she needs one.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I've read your advice and I do feel a lot better now. There's a lot I need to consider, which I hadn't really thought about. This afternoon she stormed off to see a friend (the first time we've been apart for weeks) and I just grabbed the opportunity to spraff out my frustration. I've spent the last few hours writing. If she had a hobby, that would be great, but her hobby seems to be me. Unfortunately if I left to write in a cafe or somewhere like that, she'd see that as me shunning her. I'll figure something out.
Sorry about venting my frustration on you all. Everyone's been very kind.
Thanks again.

Or, get her to leave the house. Surprise her and one of her girlfriends with a paid afternoon at the spa (an entire weekend if you can afford it). Perhaps she'd like all the pampering. You could get them tickets to the theater for a very, very long play, a nice dinner out and the symphony, or into an exclusive dance club if that's her thing. You could convince her to enroll in a class that she's always wanted to take at a nearby college...just about anything.

This is a short term solution for what has the potential to be a long term problem. But it has the two-pronged effect of allowing you to finish your edits for your agent, and being a nice gesture to your girlfriend (as long as you tell her you're doing this for her, NOT yourself).

I don't want to tell you how to handle your relationship, but I agree she needs to understand that what you're doing IS work, and it takes time. It sounds like she doesn't know much about the business, so pin it on your agent if you have to. Tell her if you don't get this done NOW, your agent will drop you.


Good luck.

You are not being a whining git, but you might be asking too much. It takes a special kind of person to live with a writer. They have to share their lover with a entire cast of characters, all demanding the writers attention. Anyone with a shred of self-doubt would feel jealous of all the attention a writer lavishes on imaginary people.

It would be a good idea to talk to her about your goals and what it will take to accomplish them. She needs to understand what she is getting herself into so she can decide if it's worth it.

It might also be a good idea for her to get a job.

If you can't get her to leave the house, maybe you should. Maybe go to a library or somewhere where you can write in peace for a little while, even if you have to use pen and paper instead of a computer.

Other than breaking off with your gf...

Try treating your writing as work (and not a "hobby" as she might see it). That means:

1) telling her that you're working
2) leaving the house and go to "work" -- coffee house, etc. etc. Don't come home until you're done with the day's work.

If you're serious about your work, which is "writing," you need to be determined to make it such. I'm sure your girlfriend would understand when you have to go to work, that she is not part of that.

Re: Other than breaking off with your gf...

I definitely think you need to have the hobby vs. work talk. I told my husband that I'm serious about writing - that this wasn't a little project that would fizzle out in a few months, that I feel so productive and wonderful when I write. He said OK and bought me a laptop for the next holiday. I also check in with him occasionally, sharing my joys and frustrations (briefly) and telling him my goals. He knows I'm working toward something, not just wasting time.
If she is the dependent, needy type, you could tell her some of your goals and promise her some jewelry when your first novel is published. She might be hounding you again in two weeks, but it may keep her at arms length for a little while. Make sure you treat her as a special person when you aren't writing.

Getting serious

I know I'm going to say a cruel thing now, but it's because I (blush) recognised myself in your girlfriend. At the beginning of our relationship, I too made some unreasonable demands on my BF. Not about creativity, but still. I felt perfectly secure, I knew he loved me enough to do whatever I wanted. And it came absolutely out of the blue when one day, very calmly, he said: either I stopped my demands, or I had to leave. He said he loved me very much but wasn't going to change for anyone, least of all people for me. So I either accepted his lifestyle or packed my bags.

Now that was a wake-up call. It put everything into perspective. I realised that indeed I was only a part of his life and his first obligation was to make the most out of his life, not to please me. And that if I asked for too much, he wouldn't hesitate for one moment to leave me, even if he had to spend the rest of his life in mourning over our lost love. I had some really hard times accepting this, but now I find it fair, and we have no problems -- our love for each other and our friendship are stronger than ever these days.

What I want to say: it's very rare that a normal woman chooses to lose her man over an ultimatum like this. Either she'll understand how much she hurts you -- hopefully -- or she'll just realise that she's going too far. I don't suggest you threaten to leave her but please think of doing something to make her understand she's only a part of your life.

You could always...

...go to work at a job that will allow you to write full time. Midnight clerk at a hotel or something.





David

Re: You could always...

I can only reinforce the job vs hobby viewpoint. Your writing is a job, potentially a career. My wife would be ecstatic if I could be at home as much as you, even if it meant I was behind a closed door for four or five hours a day. As it is, I work a day job 10 1/2 hours a day, six days a week, and write in the mornings on my only day off while she sleeps in.

Your girlfriend doesn't know how lucky she is.

You have to make her understand that when she makes you feel guilty about writing, she's removing joy from your life and replacing it with a hurt far greater than what you are doing to her by wanting to write.

A person needs to be able to be happy by themselves before they can truly be happy with another.

Re: You could always...

That brings up a point: many people think writers are hobbyists at best, slackers as worst. That somehow the time we spend on our computers to do research or actual writing is "play time." That we are not working at all. Especially for novelists, because novelists don't see that pay check... some might not see that check for a LONG time. For freelance writers, it's easier to "prove" that they're working because they get a check for every article they sell or every assignment.

Re: You could always...

Been there, done that, and I genuinely feel for you. I can't say I know the whole story, because all I see is your side of it. Mind you, that might be the -whole- story, and I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and act like it is.

If, as you said, you're taking every opportunity to pay attention to her, and show her that she's important, and yet she continues to make these demands, you have alot of good advice right in this thread to help you out.

Now, I do disagree with the bribes of jewlery and spa visits, and here's why... IF she is the spoiled brat you've portrayed her to be, then these things are going to be expected. "I'll leave you alone if you spend x amount of money on me." kinda thing.

You said right now, you have enough money to stay home for about a year. That money will quickly disappear if you resort to bribery just to get her to let you write.

If you haven't had the deep, heart-to-heart with her about how important this is to you, now is the time. Make her understand. And if she continues to behave like a spoiled brat, I would kick her to the curb, and tell her she can come back when A) she grows up, -and- B) when you get your book finished. Not either/or, but BOTH, otherwise, you'll be defeating yourself.

DON'T end up like me, for crying out loud! I've wasted too many years in relationships with men who thought my writing was "just a hobby" and therefore not important. Because I wasn't getting paid for what I did (yet), I believed them. And each time I agreed with them, a little piece of me died inside.

I'm very, VERY fortunate, in that the relationship I'm in allows me to try and nurture those pieces back to life. In case you're interested, I'm 43.

Think of all the years -I- wasted, and don't make my mistake.

"all women"

<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>All women need to feel secure..."<hr></blockquote>
Incorrect. Some women thrive on independance, uncertainty, adventure, and artistic expression.

You are not responsible for how your girlfriend or anyone else feels. Focus on your behaviour, not how to manipulate hers with foot rubs.

You cannot make her feel complete.

If you really let her allow you to write only an hour a day, the problem is yours, not hers. What are you doing the other 23?

Either you want to live the life of a writer, or not. The seeming gray areas are what one goes through in answer to that question. If you love a writer's life, nothing and no one will be able to stop you.

Read Hemingway's A Moveable Feast for an entertaining read on how he dealt with the woman problem.

I used to hang out with a guy who loved to watch me type and do computer. Made him horny. Real distracting after the cuteness wore off. He had to go.

Good luck.

Re: "all women"

My first thought, before I could get past the second paragraph of your story, was, "this girl is a spoiled brat." Then I LOL when I saw the first response said exactly that.

Your girlfiend's problem, in my opinion, has nothing to do with you or your writing. If you were pursing any form of activity besides entertaining her, there would be the same tantrums.

What she should be wary of is losing your affection. Who likes to be smothered? Pawed on constantly, 24/7? That's not romance, that's,..well, it's not healthy.

Lay down some ground rules. You said you already have one book written and looking for a publisher? You are cheating yourself if you don't devote a specific time of day, with the door closed and do not disturb strictly enforced, for as many hours as you deem necessary, to become the success you sound like you could be. And once she realizes you are serious? I bet she treats you with a bit more respect. Make her understand that this is your vocation. Or boot her.

Denise, married to a man who is behind my full time writing career 100%. Door closed, writer at work.

Imagine this topic creating so much advice. Lots of good thoughts from everyone. I agree with Fresie. Set some boundaries and under no circumstances is the girlfriend to violate them. If she does, give her a choice. Either she allows you five to eight hours a day to write or she can pack her clothes. The monkey is then on her back to make the choice that means the most to her. Close the door to the room where you write and she is not to enter or disturb you in any way - until you exit the room.
You know a child will push a parent beyond endurance just because it knows it can. The parent needs to be the parent and set the boundaries for the child. You need to set the boundaries for the girlfriend.

You know, as I read the first post, I kept thinking, "Geez, and you think having a CHILD to contend with is bad." I should know; mine is 3.

But you, Frustrated, are not dealing with a child. You are dealing with an adult. Or I assume you are; she pretty much sounds like a child to me. But if your girlfriend is indeed an adult, she needs to start acting like one.

Sorry if that sounds so harsh. But this is my honest, no-holds-barred response. You really need to tend to this situation right now before it gets worse. Unless she's the kind of person who enjoys making someone else's life miserable? Who thinks her b/f should be wrapped around her finger? I don't know; I don't know your situation. I just think that it's a bad one.

Re: "all women"

I have been in this situation more times than I wish to admit!

First of all, congratulations on having planned and worked so diligently to have earned yourself a large block of free time to work on a novel!

Secondly, your FATAL mistake was including a GIRLFRIEND into this equation! I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I know that *type* of girl very well and you'll never get anywhere with this supposed discussion about "Work V Hobby".

She obviously doesn't understand how important this is too you, and she has zero respect for you as an artist (see 'playing at the computer'). This will NOT change! You are in an "either/or" situation, and I grieve very deeply for you, because you are about to waste the entire time period of your hard sought freedom dealing with emotional blackmail.

For the love of God, get out as quickly as you can (I'd say painlessly, but pain is now a foregone conclusion) and SWEAR to yourself - and all that is Holy - that you'll never let this happen again!