Help me come up with something more believable

Southern_girl29 · May 16, 2007

I just got my book back from my first beta reader. He did an awesome job with it. One of his main points was that something wasn't believable. I need help coming up with a way to make it more believable.

In my book, my MC is a 14-year-old girl. She's always had psychic tendencies, but she starts having visions of her mother being killed. Her father is out of the picture, and her mother won't talk about him. After she has a particularly scary vision, her mother decides to call him, because he is a psychic, too, and can help the MC learn how to control and process the visions. He hasn't been in her life for two reasons. One is that the mother doesn't want him to be there because he helps the police using his psychic powers. She told him to stay away unless he gave up working with the police. He wasn't willing to do that, so he stayed away until the MC's mother called him.

Is this believable? Does it make the dad too big of a jerk? I don't want him to be a jerk, just very committed to what he does. How would you go about fixing it?

Shady Lane · May 16, 2007

Hmm....I'm a little confused why it made the mom so mad that Dad worked with the police. Is she anti-police? Worried he would get hurt?

Why is this job so important to him?

If these questions are answered, I don't see it as a problem.

jdparadise · May 16, 2007

Southern_girl29 said:
I just got my book back from my first beta reader. He did an awesome job with it. One of his main points was that something wasn't believable. I need help coming up with a way to make it more believable.

In my book, my MC is a 14-year-old girl. She's always had psychic tendencies, but she starts having visions of her mother being killed. Her father is out of the picture, and her mother won't talk about him. After she has a particularly scary vision, her mother decides to call him, because he is a psychic, too, and can help the MC learn how to control and process the visions. He hasn't been in her life for two reasons. One is that the mother doesn't want him to be there because he helps the police using his psychic powers. She told him to stay away unless he gave up working with the police. He wasn't willing to do that, so he stayed away until the MC's mother called him.

Is this believable? Does it make the dad too big of a jerk? I don't want him to be a jerk, just very committed to what he does. How would you go about fixing it?

Give him a reason for not quitting.

Say, his brother was killed, and he helped the police find his brother's body, and the idea that he could help others in the same way was too strong for him to resist.

Or he thinks that the psychicness is a divine gift and to turn it away would be against God's will.

Or he helped free someone who was falsely accused, and he made so much money doing it that he sees it as the best job he could possibly have.

Or something else...

...but giving him a reason for putting the Job first will help the reader not think he's run out on his family for no reason.

Penguin Queen · May 16, 2007

I dont really get the police thing either. Could they just be estranged, like parents often are? Or as Shady Lane said, explain the mother's strong feelings against the police work.
Or maybe they had a big falling out, he left, moved away, made a clean break, they lost touch... and maybe you could use the daughter's psychic powers to inadvertendly help the mother trace him, by seeing him somewhere by a landmark so that the mother knows in which city he lives & then finds him through the phone book?

Um. Just an idea.

Cathy C · May 16, 2007

I think would lend believability if the father visits, but the girl has no idea he does psychic stuff. If it's only on weekends, or if Dad lives in a big city while they live in a small town, she could only see him on holidays. If Mom cautioned Dad NOT to discuss his work, he wouldn't, and Mom could also warn daughter not to tell Dad any "creepy" stuff, and she wouldn't for fear of Dad not wanting her to visit anymore.

Secrets among split families are totally believable. You could even have the girl find out about Dad on television or some such and decide to go to him without telling Mom after something like America's Most Wanted featured his talents.

That would not only make Dad not a jerk, it would make the MC pro-active.

MissAimee · May 16, 2007

I'm so with you guys.. To me that doesn't make sense that her mom wont let him see her because he works for the police.. Either write something that he as done, to make her mother so mad at him or something the police did to her..

MidnightMuse · May 16, 2007

I could be misunderstanding this whole thing, so ignore me if I am - but to me this makes the Mother the complete a-hole in the picture.

Working with the police makes him an unfit father? Does that make actual police unfit fathers, too?

That's the bit that bothers me. Again, could be missing something obvious here, so carry on

Moon Daughter · May 16, 2007

I agree that the father needs some sort of strong motive for not wanting to quit working with the police. You have to think about what an "average" father would do. Would he rather work with the police or see his daughter and wife? I think most people would choose family, so what extraordinary reason is there for him to choose the police?

I really like the premise of the story though. It's probably something I'd read, but your beta reader is correct about the that part not being believable.

josephwise · May 16, 2007

Legally, she can't keep him away from his daughter based on his job. If he wants to see her, he can get visitation, and the mother can't do anything about it.

So, I'm going to have to assume that the nature of his police-work actually puts his daughter in danger? In which case, the mother would have good reason to want him to stay away, and he would have good reason to agree to do so.

But that still leaves your initial question. Why choose police-work over family? Even if you give him a noble reason, it'll make the character seem cheap and unintersting. And if he were being truly noble, the mother wouldn't need to restrict his contact with their daughter. He'd do that of his own free will.

You might arrange it so that he would be putting his daughter in danger regardless of his profession. Maybe he pissed somebody off, and that person is out to get him and anyone he cares about. That'll take out the mother's non-sensical ultimatum, but keep the dilemma intact. And he would want to use his police connections to get rid of the threat to his family. But that might not fit your story, for all I know.

Niteowl · May 16, 2007

My best guess is that the dad's involvement with the police might bring criminal attention to the family?

There would have to be a very strong motivation for the father to pick police work over his family. Maybe they had a son before the daughter, who got murdered. And still haven't found the murderer. The father is still hoping that the tip will come in that will bring his son's murderer to justice.

This will, of course, bring about all sorts of conflict with the daughter/father, along the lines of love and favoritism to along dead son. Maybe the daughter is having blocks with her psychic ability because she knows her father's psychic ability has torn apart the family.

My two cents.

MattDempsey · May 16, 2007

does the fathers use of his powers damage him in someway that feeds back into his family life?

For instance, if he sees flashes of crimes does he carry them out in his sleep - has he attacked his wife or frightened her?

If he has decided to keep his work above his family then it is implied that there was a confrontation where a decision was demanded of him - what precipitated that moment.

Perhaps the mother has a religious reason for excluding him. Is his power 'devilry' in her eyes.

Mr. E · May 16, 2007

What if the father had a vision of himself harming his family? And so, to protect them, he moves away and immerses himself in his police work - his heart breaking the entire time.

He does not share his reasons for leaving, so the mother simply thinks he walked out on her.

When he comes back, he does so reluctantly, fearing that his vision might somehow come true.

??

Cathy C · May 16, 2007

Ooo!! I LOVE the "carry them out in his sleep." :hooray:

That would totally lend toward the believability, and make Dad heroic and honorable (albeit tragic and sympathetic) for removing himself from their lives (at least until the talents of the MC become known.)

Chris Grey · May 16, 2007

Whether the father's a jerk for staying away at the mother's request depends entirely on two things: why does the mother insist he stays away, and why does he?

If it's for fear of backlash by the criminal community, then he's doing the right thing by keeping his family safe. If it's because she didn't want a husband whose life was consumed by his work (ie, he's never around), and he agreed without trying to work things out, then maybe he's a bit cold-hearted.

I suggest you explain their motives, as that should clear up the believability a bit.

RLB · May 16, 2007

Southern_girl29 said:
He hasn't been in her life for two reasons.

What's the other reason? That may shed more light...

JoNightshade · May 16, 2007

When MC was a baby, dad and mom were together and in love. Unfortunately dad, a cop, hadn't mentioned to mom that he had psychic powers. (Oops!) Then his partner is killed by some very bad badguys. The other cops can't solve the case without dad and his psychic powers. However the badguys realize that dad is at the center of the investigation and start targeting the fam. Mom learns that dad is a psychic and totally freaks out (wouldn't you?) Bad guys escape and both mom & dad realize that mom & MC will never be safe if dad is around. Helping people is WHO HE IS, and, cop or not, he will never be able to stop himself. Mom leaves with MC and vows to raise her with no knowledge of psychic stuff until she realizes that she can't avoid it.

How's that?

Novelhistorian · May 16, 2007

Cathy C said:
I think would lend believability if the father visits, but the girl has no idea he does psychic stuff. If it's only on weekends, or if Dad lives in a big city while they live in a small town, she could only see him on holidays. If Mom cautioned Dad NOT to discuss his work, he wouldn't, and Mom could also warn daughter not to tell Dad any "creepy" stuff, and she wouldn't for fear of Dad not wanting her to visit anymore.

Secrets among split families are totally believable. You could even have the girl find out about Dad on television or some such and decide to go to him without telling Mom after something like America's Most Wanted featured his talents.

That would not only make Dad not a jerk, it would make the MC pro-active.

I'm with you here. You've addressed the problem from a character point of view, which goes deeper than circumstances, which may seem contrived. This way of rewriting the novel also works because the reader may want to say, "Oh, tell him, already!" But if the secret depends on situation alone, then it's dicier. As others do, I have trouble swallowing why someone would object to a job with the police and deny access to a child because of it. That kind of thing, IMO, just gets you deeper and deeper into intricate circumstance, and after a while, it sounds more contrived than when you started.

Just my two cents.

Moon Daughter · May 16, 2007

Mr. E said:
What if the father had a vision of himself harming his family? And so, to protect them, he moves away and immerses himself in his police work - his heart breaking the entire time.

He does not share his reasons for leaving, so the mother simply thinks he walked out on her.

When he comes back, he does so reluctantly, fearing that his vision might somehow come true.

??

I LOVE this idea. Someone mentioned before that even if he left for noble reasons, he would seem bad. But I think this could make it work so he is noble, although the reader wouldn't know so until later on in the story. It also raises a lot of stakes, too. Maybe if the father was the daughter's last hope of not going insane from her visions, they could reunite, although he's also wary that something bad is going to happen.

justpat · May 16, 2007

I agree with others here, you first have to explain why working for the cops is such a bad thing.

Southern_girl29 · May 16, 2007

Sorry I haven't been on sooner. My computer crashed, and I had to do a complete system restore. Anyway, to answer a few questions:

The father doesn't actually work for the police department. He works with them, helping them to solve cases he gets some kind of reading on them. The mother knows he did this. What caused them to break up was one night their house was broken into by a criminal he had been working to put away and Gracie's (the MC) room was destroyed by the character. This scared the mother, and this is why she told him to stay away.

*He stays away because he knows his job isn't safe, and he wants his daughter to be safe. The mother told him he had to give it up, but he feels as though it is a gift from God and that he is doing a great service to the world in helping the police put these people away.

*The mom is really supposed to come off looking like the jerk, especially to Gracie. She sees it as her mother's fault that her dad wasn't in her life, but at one point in the book, he tells her that he didn't have to do it, that his pride in his work kept him away. He admits to being a jerk about it. He also says that now that he is back in his life, he will give up his work if that's the only way he's able to see her.

*The father pays child support and keeps in contact a little with the mother. She has sent him pictures over the years and kept him up-to-date about Gracie. I thought about not having him have any contact, but I thought that made him an even bigger jerk.

justpat · May 16, 2007

Nothing could keep me away from my kids, I'd have to quit the job.

Moon Daughter · May 16, 2007

I'd have to agree with, justpat. I'd way rather want to be with my child and lover than to put criminals away. Plus, when the guy broke in, did the mother move? If not, then who's to say she's not in danger still? Secondly, how did the criminal know that the father was involved in the case? Was it a high profile case? Nothing wrong with being satisfied with ones work...but is that satisfaction worth losing your family over?

KatyaFleur · May 17, 2007

What kinds of crimes does the dad help solve? Are they murders that have already been committed, or does he also help the police to rescue kidnap victims before they are harmed? If it's the latter, I'd find his commitment to his work quite believable--if he's haunted by images of people in danger, and he knows that if he does nothing, they will be hurt or killed. In his place, I'd feel responsible for anything that happened to them if I refused to help. That might account for his election to continue working and give up his family.

Katya

jerrymouse · May 17, 2007

Southern_girl29 said:
psychic tendencies,

no, that is not believable.

Pagey's_Girl · May 17, 2007

KatyaFleur said:
What kinds of crimes does the dad help solve? Are they murders that have already been committed, or does he also help the police to rescue kidnap victims before they are harmed? If it's the latter, I'd find his commitment to his work quite believable--if he's haunted by images of people in danger, and he knows that if he does nothing, they will be hurt or killed. In his place, I'd feel responsible for anything that happened to them if I refused to help. That might account for his election to continue working and give up his family.

Katya

Building on that, especially if it were children - he'd be torn between protecting his own family and the terrible knowledge that he's the only one who can save someone else's - and what if the situation were reversed? Wouldn't he want that person to help him?

Help me come up with something more believable

Southern_girl29

Shady Lane

my name is hannah

jdparadise

Talker of Good Games

Penguin Queen

Break the rules.

Cathy C

Ooo! Shiny new cover!

MissAimee

A wannabe writer who lives in a land of confusion

MidnightMuse

Midnight Reading

Moon Daughter

josephwise

Niteowl

MattDempsey

Mr. E

Cathy C

Ooo! Shiny new cover!

Chris Grey

Vagrant Story

RLB

bundled

JoNightshade

has finally arrived

Novelhistorian

Moon Daughter

justpat

QueryTracker

Southern_girl29

justpat

QueryTracker

Moon Daughter

KatyaFleur

jerrymouse

Pagey's_Girl

Still plays with dolls