Dear Santa... (um, kinda adultish in nature. No kids please)

Dear DClary,

I'm still tallying your naughty-to-nice ratios for the year. I did decide to enforce a retroactive method of incorperating uncalculated nice-ness, as well as a "naughty-forgiveness" system.

Unfortunately, while my elves do possess wonderful cosmetic surgical skills, I'm not sure what you want would be best for you. I think a far more rewarding christmas gift for you would be a pair of argyle socks.

But we'll see.

Yours,

Santa

P.S.

Tell your friend Billy that I can't give him his customary train-car of coal. Environmental worries and such. I hope he won't mind, erm...

...a different sort of fuel.

Dead Clary,

Since we know about your fetish for cats, dogs, humps of the India variety, we at Santa's House of Obtuse decided to grant your wish. We will transform your existing wife, of such lovely Saturn virtues, for our latest model.

Enjoy, from the cew at you know who.

What you say, big guy?

Dear DClary,

Sorry, No can do. - she wrote to me first. I'm already granting her Christmas wish .... and it does not include you.

Santa

(note from SS - sorry charlie -- but keep wishing)

SpookyWriter said:

Dead Clary,

Click to expand...

This may have been a meta-message from Spooky. I'm just sayin' ...

Dear Clary,

Your wish is granted -- sort of. As it turns out, many of the elves are filing divorce papers now. And the elf wives -- total smokin' hotties, to be sure -- just 1/5th your size.

DHL is on the way. I've got a three-pack headed to your door step.

SC

PS. You know where the chip bowl goes!

If you walked into your bedroom and found your snoring wife about to be replaced by a much hotter nyphomaniac sex slave pod woman wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie, would you allow it to happen?

-Derek

Dear Dclary,

These poor woman have done nothing wrong enough to deserve that!

love, Santa.

PS: I'll cash the check anyway. Try again next year!

Dear dclary,

Of course I remember you! It has been a long time since our last correspondence and, regretfully, I wish you had done so at an earlier time.

That ‘goodness rollover’ got me into trouble with a higher authority that year. No, I don’t blame you. But the guidelines for gift dispensation have been tightened since then. I’m afraid your request will have to be modified a bit, to adhere to these rules.


Transforming another human being into something else is beyond my capabilities. If I possessed these powers I wouldn’t be leaving Mrs. Claus alone for any single night all year, if you get my snowdrift. (Sorry, north pole humor) For a request, such as this one, I suggest you inquire about the services offered by a local versed in the field of wicca. Many of them are on my nice list, with a few exceptions **coughOFGcough**, but I’m sure with your previous record of goodwill, all around niceness and respect for women they most likely will not turn you into some horrible beas…….Oh. Sorry. Did you have a run in with one already?

Now, concerning the rest of your list. I really shouldn’t reveal this but you might have noticed a change in the fabric of power lately. Yes, change is in the wind and these alterations will effect some of these items on your list. As I mentioned earlier, a higher authority than I has instituted changes. Your financial situation will be a bit tighter but not by the Mrs. (Change the first letter of the last word in that sentence to a vowel. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.)

As for beer, I’m afraid on her list she has asked for a Vegan cookbook and all of Richard Simmon’s ‘Sweating to the Oldies’ videos. Sorry, my friend, but her requests were received earlier in the year. Life is about to become a lot less jolly for you but on the brighter side……well, you’ll have to decide if there is one after you finish reading this letter.

The science fiction movie request is doable to a point. Alas, it will be limited to esoteric films in Swedish, where the aliens look more like hairy men in Chippendale outfits. Football has been taken entirely off my list of goodies for you this year. My apologies, but someone ‘downstairs’ must have hacked into my server and modified the original information. It is just too late in the season to correct this. If you would have only written sooner instead of spending so much time in TIO/CE&PT this might have been avoided.

With that I conclude this letter and hope you are able to remain in good health for the coming year. Note (and you didn’t hear this from me) to steer clear of lightning storms and open spaces. That insider trading thing I can overlook but the higher authority will not.

Respectfully,

[FONT=&quot]Santa J. Claus[/FONT]
(The J stands for Jolly)

dclary, you should be very happy that I am not Santa.

I know it's a jokie-joke so I'm trying not to be really mad, but that's exactly what the average wife worries about. A husband who would rather her be something she's incapable of being, and would welcome the change if it could happen.

That's why there are masses of cosmetic counters in every department store, with only a tiny bit devoted to men's stuff. That's frighteningly why so many women have cosmetic surgery. That's why many women cover their gray hair with dyes.

There's a print I own depicting several curvaceous, nude women tugging at Pan, trying to coax him into "playing" with them. These women were the ideal female form when the original painting was done. They are soft and healthy looking. How is it that the skinny women with fake boobs have become the ideal now? It seems that a 4 inch gap between the thighs and protruding spines, hip bones and ribs make the lingerie look better, but then the fake boobs have to be put in to fill out the bras. Most women that skinny don't have those kinds of breasts so cosmetic surgery has to be done to "perfect" their forms.

It's sad, really. Men want women to be sex-kittens. It's hard to be comfortable enough in your own skin to act like a sex-kitten when you know that you are far from a man's idea of the perfect female. How can the average wife ever compete?

The ex-jerk was never happy with me. Looking back at photos of when I was with him, there was NOTHING wrong with me! I was within my healthy weight range and I took care of myself. He told me once that he wished I were anorexic so that I could be petite. Moron had no clue that petite has to do with height. He bought me a $1,200 (said and done) membership at Jenny Craig for Christmas after telling me that he couldn't afford to send me to college. He bought me a membership at a gym for our anniversary, but then wouldn't watch the kids so that I could go and then told me I was lazy for not going because I couldn't figure out what to do with the kids. After being out to sea for 6 months, he came home and told me that he couldn't tell that I had lost any weight at all while he was gone. Can you imagine??

My husband is awesome. Of course he drools over Victoria's Secret models like every other guy. Thing is, he told me something once that I have never forgotten. He told me that I reminded him of a statue of a goddess. All woman. His idea of the perfect woman is any woman who is comfortable in her own skin, regardless of her age or size.

*off my soapbox now*

As was said in the '40s by Molly to Fibber McGee: "'Tain't funny, McGee."

Do you honestly try to piss people off or does it just come naturally?

Seems like it comes natural, OFG.

Dear Man,
Many thanks for your submission. We apologize that due to the volume of mail we receive, we are not able to respond to you more personally.
We have looked over your list, but we are sorry to say that it is not quite suited to the elves of Santa. We wish you the best of luck elsewhere-Try the Easter Bunny.

Sincerely
Santa

"And if that's not too much trouble, please make her like beer more. And science fiction movies..."

So... you want your Vicky Secret model to get fat & dorky? I don't get it...

Yeah, and there aren't too many fourteen-year-olds who actually like beer. And whereas they are lovely to look at, no doubt, there are very few grown men worth having who could put up with a wife forever trapped in the throes of puberty. I'm sure you think you'd like to try, and I could be wrong. Maybe it would be a blast trying to discover which flavor of lipgloss would actually make her happy and it could be an intellectual challenge explaining why Justin Timberlake isn't the pinnacle of musical talent.

Knock yourself out dclary.

Perks said:

...and it could be an intellectual challenge explaining why Justin Timberlake isn't the pinnacle of musical talent.

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Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Bashing clary is all dandy, but lay off Justin. All he wants you to do is be his love...

And I'm sure being Justin's love would be fun, for the six seconds it lasted and if Cameron would just scoot the hell over. She's a bed hog.

Why on earth would people get offended by this?

Bite him back.

Sheesh.

This was funny.

eta: this was for carole and OFG

Perks said:

And I'm sure being Justin's love would be fun, for the six seconds it lasted and if Cameron would just scoot the hell over. She's a bed hog.

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Aw, but have you seen Cameron? She's a twig. Unless it's a twin bed you wouldn't even notice her...

Bravo said:

Bite him back.

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That's what I'm doing, goofball.

Dear Santa Claus,

I know, I know - it's me again. Sorry I badger you every year, but you never give me what I ask for! Ever since I ignored my mothers wish, and married Dave, I am reminded of that old saying,"mother knows best."

This is the last year I'm asking, so think about it seriously, ok Santa?

I've been very good, yadda yadda yadda.

I really only want one thing for christmas. One little thing, and I'm sure you can appreciate what I'm asking for.

Can you please change my husband into a Johnny-Depp-like hottie? Please? And while you're at it, please increase his (you know what) to match what I would imagine Johnny Depps (you know what) to be.

And, um, can you make him still want me, despite the fact that no Johnny-Depp-like hottie with a you-know-what to match would?



And if that's not too much trouble, please make him like white wine more. And chic flics. And conversation.

Remember Santa: this is the last year I'm asking. If my wishes aren't granted, next year he'll be living at the Thrilly house.

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OOPS - forgot to sign my name, Santa.

Mrs. DCLARY

Carole said:

The ex-jerk was never happy with me. Looking back at photos of when I was with him, there was NOTHING wrong with me! I was within my healthy weight range and I took care of myself. He told me once that he wished I were anorexic so that I could be petite. Moron had no clue that petite has to do with height. He bought me a $1,200 (said and done) membership at Jenny Craig for Christmas after telling me that he couldn't afford to send me to college. He bought me a membership at a gym for our anniversary, but then wouldn't watch the kids so that I could go and then told me I was lazy for not going because I couldn't figure out what to do with the kids. After being out to sea for 6 months, he came home and told me that he couldn't tell that I had lost any weight at all while he was gone. Can you imagine??

Click to expand...

If it were me, he'd be an ex all right.

In the "Bart Goes to Prison" sense.

Carole, I'm so happy for you that he's your EX jerk... You so didn't deserve that!

Eldragon, love the letter!