Here are some other gems from that first novel:
“Sorry. Listen, my name is Zack. Now will you tell me your name?”
“I still want to know why you need my name,” said Rhenna
“I need your name because you are a victim of Ranfell and Tullref. I’m supposed to find them, and make sure they don’t keep the-- nothing, it’s nothing.” Zack tuned red “It’s really nothing. Now, your name?”
“Fine. My name is Rhenna Jones, that’s R-H-E-N-N-A.” Rhenna glanced at Zack’s paper “Excuse me! I said H after R!”
Oh yes, very believable that Zach would almost let everything slip out. And Ranfell and Tullref? What sort of names are those? Please tell me they aren't my badguys. "Help! Ranfell stole the... right, I'm not supposed to say. Go back to your knitting, folks."
Here's another precious bit of... action?
Once outside she looked back at the church; people were coming out of it. Several of them were pointing at her she dashed away, and to get away from them, she turned into the first thing she saw. The forest.
She's running away and just happens to be like, "Hey look! There's a forest! Funny I've spent my whole life here and NEVER NOTICED IT! I think I'll go in there."
So, yeah, I take the cake on bad writing.
Seriously. Give it to me.
