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yldii

Code:
               FADE IN:

               EXT. 16TH CENTURY CATHEDRAL, ENGLAND - MORNING

               A bell sounds in the distance, growing louder as we sweep
               across the medieval English countryside toward the
               brilliantly adorned cathedral on the hill.   

               SUPER:

               Westshier Abby  

               Crowds of parishioners gather in front of the Abby while more
               make the trek up the road from the village below.  Monks
               scurry to the Abby from the huge open gates of the monastery
               next-door.  



               INT. MONASTERY CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

               WILLIAM, a young monk, stands in the dimly lit corridor
               facing an open door. 

                                   WILLIAM
                         Brother Thomas, we're going to be
                         late for the ceremony.

               THOMAS, the pudgy bright-eyed monk, emerges from the open
               door joining William in the corridor.

                                   THOMAS
                             (Calmly)
                         Patience brother.

               William links arms with Thomas and hurries along the hallway
               with Thomas in tow.

                                   WILLIAM
                         Patience may be a virtue my friend,
                         but if you mess up the bishop's
                         arrival ceremony the Abbott will
                         have your head. 



               EXT. MONASTERY COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS

               From above the courtyard we see William and Thomas exit the
               monastery and head for the gates.  Thomas is still tieing the
               sash of his robe as William brushes the lint from Thomas'
               shoulder.



               EXT. WESTSHIER ABBY - CONTINUOUS

               The ABBOTT stands with several monks in front of the
               Cathedral greeting parishioners as they enter.  A lavish
               coach approaches. 

                                   ABBOTT
                         The bishop arrives my brothers so
                         show some reverence.

               The coach pulls up and The BISHOP emerges from it.  The monks
               stand  with there heads bowed in respect.

                                   ABBOTT
                         Ah, your eminence.  It's a pleasure
                         to see you again.

               The Bishop extends his hand and the Abbott bows and kisses
               his ring.

                                   BISHOP
                         The pleasure is mine good Abbott.

                                   ABBOTT
                         You're too kind old friend.

               The Abbott and his monks escort the Bishop through the crowd
               of bowing onlookers.

                                   ABBOTT
                         We've prepared a ceremony for your
                         arrival.

                                   BISHOP
                         How very nice.

               They make their way through the crowd and into the Abby.
 

Writer1

a spelling test?

WILLIAM
Brother Thomas, were going to be
late for the ceremony.
"we're"

THOMAS, the pudgy bright eyed monk
"bright-eyed"

WILLIAM
Patients may be a virtue my friend
"patience"

ABBOTT
Your to kind old friend.
"you're too"

They make there way through the crowd and into the Abby.
"their"

Also, using more commas is recommended.
 

yldii

Re: a spelling test?

Thanks for pointing out my spelling mistakes.
I will be sure to proof before posting. Also I will try to use commas more often. But I was just testing how to post without losing format.
That does not mean that advice is not welcome.

Thanks again..........
...............Yldii..........
 

Writer1

pages

They read fine. The problem is, there's not much happening and I don't have a clue what the story is about.
 

yldii

Re: pages

I posted here about it when it was just an idea 3 days old.
At that time I got totally trashed as if I were serving up my finished logline.
original post
I have worked on the story basics since and only now started writing my first draft.

Anyway I am still polishing the logline and am reluctant to post it until it is ready.
I don't want to get ripped to shreds again.

.............Yldii............
 

NikeeGoddess

Re: pages

nope - there is nothing in this scene* that you need to keep. cut it completely and start it much later...like the actual arrival of (whoever's coming - sorry, i can't rem)

also you need to do more to set the tone of this monastary.

*unless this:
From above the courtyard we see William and Thomas exit the monastery and head for the gates. Thomas is still tieing the sash of his robe as William brushes the lint from Thomas'
shoulder.

implies that Willy and Tommy were doing something nasty in the bushes ;) ;) now, that's a story!!!

write on!
 

DustyReigns

Re: pages

Oh no, Hamboogul is here too. I kind of hoped he would keep his arrogant immaturity on Done Deal.

Darn.
 

A Pathetic Writer

Re: pages

Hamboogul's a USC film grad, repped by one of the largest agencies in the world. I'd think you'd have a little more respect for his opinion, Dust.
 

yldii

Re: pages

I need some opinions on something.

OK I want a medieval English-ish feel but, I have one problem.
My character base contains some royals and I don't want to be tied to the history of the English monarchy.

Should I take the story out of England & into a fictitious land(i.e. The princess Bride)?

By the way, its a comedy.

Thanks...........
.............Yldii.........
 

A Pathetic Writer

Re: pages

In general, saying something's in medieval england, but having absolutely nothing to do with medieval england is going to take people out of the story.

On the other hand, setting it in a fictional land will make it almost impossible to sell as an unsold newbie.

Have you considered setting it in modern day LA?
 
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