Script wars

Contest with no losers...Take the simple poem Jack and Jill and make it into a script...not to bore everyone just make it a one page dialog or dialogue..any style or format you want. I will work on mine tonight and post part of it or all if I finish. I hope some or all of you will participate.

my submission to my own competition...

Panning in from a NASA camera down to a hilly mountain side we can see Klaus walking away from Jack. Jack’s back snapped in two from the brute force of the German athletes pure anger leaving him paralyzed and weeping.* * * * Years of competition and arch rivalry had taken it’s toll on the two competitors only to leave an ending that would leave the world numb.


Jill (laying over Jack on a beautiful mountainous trail)

Jill (crying with snot coming out her nose) “God dam it Jack if you want I will go down to the bottom and get you a wheel chair”

Jack (camera shot of jack laying on a bolder that has his back in the shape of a triangle)

“God I love you”

Jill “I know”

Jack “It’s not just a pail of water”

Jill “I know”

Jack “ you know I always’s thought of it as a metaphor”

Jill “I know”

Jack “Do you think you can roll me off this rock?”* * * *

Jill “Look Jack I’ve been having second thoughts about our relationship”

Jack “I think I can still feel my legs”

Jill “It’s just that I’m having mixed emotions with you and the “wear a crown on your head” sponsors”

(Long pause birds fly buy and other competitors stop and ask if Jack is ok but no one rolls him off rock)

Jill “look Jack honestly no one likes you and I was given $50 000 to shut you up about the tainted bucket scandal”

Jack “So that’s it huh”

(Jill puts foot on the side of Jack and rolls him over finally)

Jack (mumbles under his last breath sobbing) “I was offered a million for a Granola bar commercial yesterday and was going to surprise you tonight” (Jack weeps and fade to black)

Is this a competition of sarcasm? Are you looking attention?

Come to think of it, it's really hard to post Sarcastic Dialogues. Takes a lot of mind boggling, earth shattering, head banging...

Hmm...can I be your friend?

Is this a competition of sarcasm? Are you looking attention?

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I clearly wrote that it is just for fun and if people can accept something entertaining and add to it that would be great

Come to think of it, it's really hard to post Sarcastic Dialogues. Takes a lot of mind boggling, earth shattering, head banging...

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I'm a jerk :lol but a nice one

Hmm...can I be your friend?

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Are you willing to let down your guard and have fun? writing is imagination and should be fun...not an analytical discussion of "what if's"

oops made a mistake

One of your many.

The first is being a prick.

The second is coming to a respectable web site and having nothing worthwhile to say.

Well that was enlightening Hey! Look it's another bitter writer :lol

Martin, how many scripts have you read? The formatting of your sample suggests the answer is, "None." Small wonder people are reluctant to reply to your threads since, thus far, it seems unlikely that you can engage in any kind of conversation on screenwriting. Don't you have a favorite movie? Haven't you felt the urge to go read the script to see how it was written? Try www.script-o-rama.com -- it's probably there. If and when you edit your sample above into a recognizable format, I might feel inclined to believe you're ready for some serious talk. But if all you're interested in is posting jokes and inflammatory comments then there are dozens -- no, hundreds -- no, thousands -- of message boards and chat rooms worldwide just dying to hear from you. Why hang out in a screenwriting forum unless you're genuinely interested in becoming a screenwriter? Makes no sense.

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.

Thanks for your Reply Derek. I just want to say that I did take time to look at your site well before you wrote this and I found your stuff kinda boring , but its a different style and I'm sure you have your fans.

If any of you noticed my first post was the fact that I had made a fun forum, for writing weird scripts with sections like "Ok...so you want to make a script?" and "any favorite movie scripts found on the web?" or " Why are the British so much better at writing drama? and comedy?"

Do I follow a strict script writing format? Uh no, I will admit that I have just started to use word perfect and I will try to hone my skills. Will I ever be a screen writer? I've been running a landscape contract business now for 8 years and as a stress reliever and hobby I enjoy writing stuff. Derek have you ever read the script for Pulp fiction or a Monty Python skit?

I'm editing this because I went back to give Derek another chance and I read some of his screen plays....like The Stiletto Sisters and his action packed thriller The switch and It's really high school level stuff. Is my writing better? probably not but I'm pretty self deprecating and I'm willing to take a few jabs at my skills....So far one person wrote "Wow" that was entertaining and "can I be your friend?"... Is it sarcasm? or in between the people that have ego's there might be a few fun people that just want to use there imagination and are willing to put out rough workings like mine.

Derek probably won't comment, so here is something I wrote the other night...I'm not very discriptive, so the next one I will work on that.


Rural Kentucky- scene is a small river lit only by the light and a woman holding a flash light towards a man and a young boy

Mother

“My god Jim what happened?”

Jim (stern voice)

“You just go back to the house mother”

Voice of young boy (Meconium) narrates

I remember the first day I got to go to the school library and I looked up my name because someone said that I was named after fetus @#%$ and there it was in black and white that my father had named me after fetus @#%$. I don’t harbor no ill because my father has a rare and cripplin disease that causes him to act out in a violent way towards the human testicle. I don’t harbor no ill that here I lay on my back floating in a river as my father drains my nut sack.

Jim (wipes his 1957 superswift pocket blade on his Dungaree’s)

“Boy you got’s to stop singing that”

Meconium (singing) “ I harbor no ill that here I lay on my back floating in a river while my father drains my nut sack”

Meconium narrates

I used to love reaching in my pockets and feel one testicle lightly clack on the other.

Jim

“How’s that cold Kentucky river water feel on those testicles boy?”

Meconium

“Fine daddy”

Meconium narrates

I put a pen in my front pocket one day. My balls where so swollen I didn’t know that the pen had drawn all kinds a strange things on them. I ran over to my friends house to show him but he said his daddy gets real angry when I come over and beats him with a ford. I didn’t believe that his daddy beat him with a Ford, so I went home and asked my daddy if my friends daddy beat his son with a Ford and daddy got mad and kicked me in the nuts.

Jim (tries to lighten the mood)

“You best go back to the house and put some peas on that pair”

Meconium narrates

I like peas

Jim

“Now you don’t be tellin all your little friends about this at school, you hear?”

Meconium narrates

I layed in bed feeling my heart beating in my testicles and my eyes throbbing, popping frozen peas in my mouth and finally falling to sleep.

i suspect that being such a little prick to people like derek who are obviously dedicated both to their craft and to providing feedback on forums like these will make it difficult for people to warm up to you.

He should have just ignored me.

Martin, I appreciate your feedback, it's always refreshing to get a new and different point of view. The worst thing that can happen to a writer is to think he's in any way talented and that he's producing material that's in any way sellable. That way lies arrogance, and arrogance spawns a delusional environment that stifles creativity. For a writer to grow, he must first realize that he needs to grow. You've helped me see this more clearly.

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.

So? what? I'm still a jerk and you can't write :lol


I'm just kidding alright calm down all of you...Derel your a classy guy and you have put a ton of effort into writing and anyone "normal" person would acknowledge that. Yes...it's the whole thing of having a bunch of people to throw stuff out to and get an honest reaction. I hope that you don't think that I was just being spiteful because I don't operate that way. I hope we can all can work together to become better writers and that doesn't mean how to dot your "i's, it means being able to hold each others attention and hopefully one day we can impress the real critics.

I hope that you don't think that I was just being spiteful because I don't operate that way.

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of course you were. he criticized your carelessness and lack of any in-depth knowledge of format, or apparent desire to learn same.

so you attacked his writing and him personally.

EXT. HILL - DAY

Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water.

JACK
Why do I always have
to carry the pail? How
'bout some Women's
Lib?

JILL
(stopping in tracks; directed at his back)
You know what? Screw you!
You bitch and moan but
where's that lazy ass day in and
day out? That's right!
Parked on the f ucking sofa.
"Jill, get me a beer, would
ya?" "Jill, where's the remote?"
"Jill...?" You think I work at Crazy Girlz
for my health, you son of a bitch?

Jack fell down and broke his crown.

JACK
Jiiiiiiiillllllllll!

And Jill came tumbling after.

JILL
(Re: the pail)
You'd do anything
wouldn't you?
(trips over a exposed root)
Lazy aaaaassss!

FADE OUT.

Too many wrylies.

it has occured to me that at some point in my career i might have to ask boobsie malone a favor.

so, i'd like to be the first to say how well written thsse piece was. though i am familar with the world of jack and jill, nobody has painted in the light you have.

making jack the common man, and that bucket... don't know what the bucket symbolizes, but i'm sure you do... and that's the point. you know.

you took me to the world, of that hill, and bucket and every wrylie was used perfectly.

you're very good boobsie. keep fighting the good fight. here's to you - raise them up fellas, we have a writer in our midsts.


vig

It has occured to me that at some point I'll have to say no to those who ask me for favors.

Thanks for the feedback, Vig! You're a star! Keep on keeping on.

so you attacked his writing and him personally.

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I think your taking it harder than Derek

If your ever going to submit stuff for someone to read that's not your mom/dad/friend or relative you better get used to rejection :lol

Good Job Boobsie

If your ever going to submit stuff for someone to read that's not your mom/dad/friend or relative you better get used to rejection

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nice try, sport.

EST. HILL - DAY

BOOBSIE MALONE (20s), her pupils exploded into inky-black pools of mischief, pours the contents of a test tube into a well.

C.U. ON TEST TUBE: The acronym L.S.D. is written down the side of the glass.

Boobsie chuckles and disappears into a thicket of weeping willows.

EXT. HILL - MOMENTS LATER

Jack (16), horny and clumsy, chases JILL (16) up the side of the hill, trying to peek under her skirt. She giggles and climbs the hill faster, and he moans under his breath as he catches a glimpse of white cotton.

JACK
I've got to have you. Now.

JILL
Leave me alone, ya perv. I'm thirsty.

They reach the top of the hill and Jack draws up a bucketful of water.

JACK
After you...

Jill smiles and cups her hands together. She dunks them in the water and pulls them to her lips.

Jack watches her every move and then drinks.

They sit together on the grass as the sun sets before them.

EXT. HILL - NIGHT

Jack moves closer to Jill in the gathering shadows and stares into her eyes.

She sees his longing, and bursts into laughter. This sets off Jack and, within seconds, both are howling insanely.

Jill stands up.

JILL
God is talking to me through my fillings.

JACK
What's he saying?

Jill listens.

JILL
That math is a lie.

Jack snorts with laughter and takes off down the hill.

JILL
Wait up!

She takes off after him, gathering momentum.

JACK
You want me? Come get-

He trips on a branch and flies head-first into a rock outcropping.

Jill sees his tumbling sihouette and screams. She, too, falls but tumbles harmlessly through the tall grass until she comes to a stop beside him.

Jack lies face down in a patch of daisies.

JILL
Are you okay?

Jack rolls over, skull cracked open, a pinched chunk of brain meat exposed.

JACK
The flowers have teeth.

Jill smiles at him and leans close. She laps her tongue across the bloody tissue.

JILL
I own your thoughts now.

She giggles and climbs to her feet.

Jack looks up. Full-on crotch shot.

FADE OUT.

EXT. TOP OF HILL - DAY

JACK
what's the big deal me coming up here
with this stupid pail? over and over.

JILL
we're like famous, me and you.
I'm jill, and your jack. that means something.
that's what we do.

JACK
why though? i never get thirsty, even
when i walk up this hill like ten thousand
times a week... maybe more... that crazy
kid in jersey who reads the story like twenty
times a day... shouldn't i get thirsty?

JILL
do you always have to question things?
why can't it just be? we walk up the hill
and people love us for it.

JACK
I don't know... at least he gets to do something
fun.

he points across to a WOLF, huffing and puffing --

JILL
he's gets killed at the end. jeez -

JACK
yeah, but he has fun before it...
we don't even kiss... i know what some
people think we're about jack and jill... up
that hill... why can't we go into that pigs brick house,
get the bed from the little bear, and chill out for
a story or two... maybe light a fire...

JILL
just get the water, and roll down the damn hill
boys...


vig

vigorish

am currently working on a rewrite of your jack and jill submission. it's good but could use tweaking. you'll see what i mean. will post soon. hope you like it


z

lol. to funny. yes, i'm reaching through screen to strangle.

vig