Well, you don't want to hear this, so just keep scanning down if you can't take heat. But better to hear it at this level than from a bunch of agents.
Your description of your story at the summary level is supect. Harry Potter and Dan Brown, complicated but linear? Of course I am immediately suspect of any one who compares themselves, or their stories to the "hot tickets" of the moment.
When reading your summary I am immediately take by two things. 1) Almost everything appears to be dialog. I would get irritated with a book all about dialog, much less apparent political dialog. 2) all these things are dated. When you are finished, even after rewrites and editing it can take years to get an agent, years to get an editor, and standard time from acceptance to publication is about a year. If you have an agent with an acceptance lined up right now you will still be a year behind the trend... and what if (fat chance, but what if) osama is caught or killed in that year. They might pull your book because of this.
I also have concerns, like how is Fatima invited to a bbq at the embassy, unless it's a public event (in which case you need to do a little research to see how likely this is.)
>>6) They figure out the girl he was hitting on was the daughter of a man that co-authored and enforces the patriot act.
You really really need to watch facts here. If you want to use something realistic be aware that this person might not really exisit or they might take offense at being in your book.
>>7) They hang out with Tiffany and learn that she grew up on a diamond estate in South Africa-
Uh No. I'm serious here, no one with any knowledge of south africa will buy that. South Africa is a very dangerous, volitile place highly prone to kidnappings if anyone even thinks you might, possibly be important. No rich person with a mind would let their child grow up in South Africa.
>>They bribe themselves out of prison (dont worry- I make it make sense).
I don't think so. No one will buy this. Not with all the people in Gitmo right now.
I agree with Ice, not only do you not seem to have a plot, the characters seem about as clueless and aimless in their actions as the story, and if the over all plot is that they get arrested because of the discussion about the terrorist then that's weak. That's a new story, sure, but not a book plot unless it's personal narrative. I also agree about the comment on Muslims. Flirting with a western woman seems out of character. While you could go somewhere with this plot (I can think of some much more interesting things to do with it than three rich girls talking with each other) it's not got a strong plot at all right now. If you want to write about Muslim characters you really need to understand the religion, especially a sensitive one like Islam.
The fact that you obviously feel you're missing something important shows that you have promise and with some spit and polish I'm sure you can turn the book around. Is this the 120000 word novel you said you were working on in another thread? If so I really do not feel you have enough meat to your plot for this to be strong.
