Can I crit your synopsis?
I know nothing about queries; not got that far myself. Purely from the point of view of would this hook me (if it was the blurb on the back, would I buy the book):
First sentence isn’t strong enough. It’s too long.
In Dhest is already too much: is she unemployed because she’s a woman, or because she’s in Dhest, or because she’s a woman-in-Dhest? Because she’s called Anya? And the structure doesn’t help:
as a woman is the explanation for the statement of fact
no jobs that follow. That’s back-to-front. Be more direct:
There aren’t many jobs open to a woman in Dhest.
The rest of the paragraph is contradictory. The
even sets us up to think her magic skills are a bonus, a reason she should totally be in employment, but then you follow it immediately with
unwilling to hobble her talents—so it’s bad that she’s got this magic thing going on, she ought to be hiding it and ashamed? Doesn’t follow. Also
angry and unwilling is kind of redundant when it follows from a sentence implying she has these skills that nobody appreciates—we already got she doesn’t like their attitude towards her. I wouldn’t put Faceless in quotes, it makes it seem like you’re being air-quotesy and metaphorical, when you just mean her name, right?
What irks is the set-up is a little obvious. Angry misunderstood person becomes brilliant criminal. That’s…not winning the hearts and minds. Rouges are good, if the reader sympathises—Robin Hood style
good man really or some kind of
making the best of a bad situation. But you’ve kind of painted a picture of an arrogant genius that hates the world so nicks stuff, and that’s not appealing. Sherlock Holmes gets away with the arrogant genius because he loves the puzzles the world presents, and ultimately is catching the bad guys (even if it is in an antisocial manner). There’s nothing in that statement that redeems her anger and thieving to me, she just comes across as ugly/angry and someone undeserving of my sympathy.
The next paragraph does nothing to help her cause: she’s a cold mercenary who’ll kill anyone for loads of money. It would read better without the opening
when, just
She is offered…and she accepts (unless this is some convention of query style ?)
But when is also redundant. Just
She uncovers. And
a mission she can’t walk away from doesn’t ring true at all. Not just because it’s an awful cliché, but because you painted her as some heartless angry mercenary murdering thief. Why does she care about these human souls? She didn’t think twice about killing Jhoran. You’re trying to say she has a vested interest in taking him down, but you’ve not given a reason or explanation other than
she just does. That’s not convincing.
The sentence is far too long, and the most important part—the thing that could almost make me sympathise—is buried right at the end:
The only people who’ve shown her kindness.
Well ok, now I can maybe understand why she’s cold and mean and angry (though it’s a little clichéd,
nobody loves me, I’m hard because of it). These people are the most important thing to her in the world, right? Put them first, give them names rather than this nebulous cloud of
some people. It’s very impersonal and distant that way, like
just some guy I met, so we don’t buy that they’re a convincing motivation for mercenary-girl to start acting in the name of righteousness. Also, how does he target them? If you mean he intends to take their souls,
say it, otherwise we’re left wondering if he gave them a parking ticket or something mundane. And what’s his power used for? Evil Things [tm], or curing orphans of the plague? Hard to know who to root for till we know what the stakes are.
Anya will need to dig into herself, others, and the city of Dhest for what she needs to take Jhoran down.
This line doesn’t say anything. You could have written
Stuff happens. As with
But in the end. Try
She overcomes great obstacles to defeat Jhoran. Better yet, something more concrete (I’m beginning to wonder if there is substance to the story: not saying there isn’t, just it doesn’t come across like there is because everything’s so vague. The slush-pile readers are short on time; you might not get the benefit of the doubt, so really sell what’s in your story)
she’ll realize there are worse things to lose than her life and soul.
Again with the best bit is thrown away last. This could be really interesting: she dies (!) but it’s all good?? Well that’s a twist. Death is usually an obstacle, make a point of this. Tell us how she overcomes death! … or did you just mean in the end she doesn’t care whether she lives or dies? That’s not good, if she doesn’t, the reader doesn’t either.
Verdict? I'd put the book back down for the moment.
But I've read your excerpt and I know there are original selling-points you've not even mentioned: she has this cool turning her skin to metal trick going on, she can commune with buildings. She wears some creepy mask—whyfor? These are the tantalising aspects of your story that make me want to know more about who and why and how, and you don’t say anything about them. If I hadn’t read your excerpt I’d figure nothing interesting or original happens in this story. You need to let us know something cool is going to happen in this synopsis, or how are we to know better?
Best of luck with your novel!