Vernacular OK?

Kindness · May 24, 2013

I've learned a lot about how to write. There are only a few more things that keep cropping up in my writing. Most of them I can solve myself, but one is a huge pain in the b-hole.

Word choice! Well, phrasing too. I've noticed that my writing sounds a lot more impressive if I make the wording as smart as it can be without sounding stuffy, but it really changes the mood of the whole piece.

I asked about something related to this in another thread so I'll just sum up why I'd like to know this: I write in third person and most of the voice is my own. I'd like to just go with my own wording whenever I'm not picking out a specific noun or strong verb but I can't tell if that's a bad idea. It's the style I plan to carry over between books whenever my narrator isn't using their voice.

For example. Here's a piece of my writing:

"Mortimer had been waving his flashlight around in the forest for a couple of hours before he finally found it: a boulder that jutted out of the grass at an angle, almost as if it was trying to impale the oak at the other end of the clearing."

"Mortimer had spent the best part of two hours trudging around the forest, his flashlight slicing through the darkness, when he finally stumbled across it: a mass of jagged rock that jutted out of the foliage at an angle, almost as though it were trying to impale the oak across the clearing."

Neither is better than the other but I know the second probably sounds a little bit better. On the other hand, the first comes more naturally, because it's pretty close to the way I speak (and the way I write most of the time when I'm online).

Is it wrong (for lack of a better word) to stick to a style that's basically cleaned up vernacular when you're not using your protagonist's voice or is a plainer style acceptable? (I'm wondering because I'd like to write alternate world/stories set in the past and I'm not sure if writing in our vernacular will still be appropriate).

ETA: Now that I think about it, I'm not sure this is a good example... but my question is still the same

Anna Spargo-Ryan · May 24, 2013

Write the way that helps it come out. When you edit, finesse! Easy*.

FTR, I'm not particularly keen on your second example, but I like sentences to say what they need to say and nothing more.

* Incredibly difficult, but easier than trying to do it the first time around if it doesn't come naturally.

SianaBlackwood · May 24, 2013

POV is one of those deep, dark mysteries I feel like I'll never understand, but my current impression is that unless you're writing omniscient, your word choices are supposed to indicate the character's voice. If that's how Mortimer would describe the boulder, you're okay.

Wolf Coven · May 24, 2013

Whichever way you feel is the best sounding, most fluid way to explain what you want the reader to feel, is the right way.

Maybe not very helpful but that's all I can offer.

NikiK · May 25, 2013

What you're talking about is narrative voice. It sets the tone of the story and creates a level of intimacy between the reader and narrator, pointing the way towards the deeper meanings in the story. The first voice you wrote in sounds more personal and gives the reader a sense of how the narrator thinks of the character and his goings on. The second voice is more neutral - more formal. Which is more correct? It depends on the type of story you're writing and how you want to communicate your ideas to your readers. In a way, the narrator is also a character in your story, and the way he depicts the action influences the way the reader will react to the story.

guttersquid · May 25, 2013

I would say to go ahead and write in a way that is natural to you, but I would advise not letting your grammar slip when doing so (noticed you changed was to the subjunctive were in the second example).

Bufty · May 25, 2013

You are worrying about nothing.

Pick the POV you wish to use then aim for flow and clarity.

Ken · May 25, 2013

... as a general rule, always opt for the shorter version, unless your longer one truly has something to offer. If it only does in part, then really hesitate. Lengthening a sentence for the mere sake of getting vernacular across isn't really a good enough reason, imo. Vernacular should be something that results; not a means to an end, if you catch my drift ;-)

bonitakale · May 25, 2013

"Mortimer had been waving his flashlight around in the forest for a couple of hours when he finally stumbled across it: a jagged rock that jutted out of the grass at an angle, almost as if trying to impale the oak across the clearing."

That's my take on those paragraphs. You can't write exactly as you speak--well, you could, but no one would read it--the question is, how elaborate do you want to get? Generally, I would say write what comes naturally, and later, see if other words--words that also seem natural--work better. Elaborating sentence structure for the sake of formality isn't usually such a good idea.

As Siana mentions, if this is a very close (tight, hot) third person point of view, you would write in such a way as to make the reader believe Mortimer might think like this.

But the main thing is to do what's right for this story, without worrying about stories to come. Let them take care of themselves.

rainsmom · May 25, 2013

Writing is crafted. There's a reason writers tend to spend more time on the second and subsequent drafts than on the first. The "best" way to tell the story may not be what's most natural to you. That doesn't mean that every sentence has to be complex and purple -- in fact, the style could be quite sparse -- but every single word needs to be carefully chosen because it's right for that book, that character, that scene, and that moment.

Honestly, it doesn't matter how YOU would naturally phrase something. How would your POV character (or omniscient narrator) do it? That's the voice you have to be true to.

James D. Macdonald · May 25, 2013

The vernacular has been okay since the thirteenth century. Go for it.

Roxxsmom · May 25, 2013

SianaBlackwood said:
POV is one of those deep, dark mysteries I feel like I'll never understand, but my current impression is that unless you're writing omniscient, your word choices are supposed to indicate the character's voice. If that's how Mortimer would describe the boulder, you're okay.

Actually, I'd say this is more true in limited third, especially deep limited third, and of course in first person. You can use the words the pov character would use in omniscient as well, but it's not as expected as a technique.

Billtrumpet25 · May 25, 2013

Bufty said:
You are worrying about nothing.

Pick the POV you wish to use then aim for flow and clarity.

Ah, the memories that are brought back with that statement...

Bufty,

I recall you saying something along those lines with what I put up in SYW months and months ago. Wasn't it -- "Simplicity is key to clarity" or something like that? I'll have to check...but I can tell you, it helped my writing immensely, so thank you.

I second Bufty's assertion that you need to pick the POV you wish to use. Keep with that POV as much as possible...it'll make your writing flow a lot more smoothly.

Kindness · May 25, 2013

Woo! Thanks, I'll stick with vernacular and then work hard to tighten it

My issue with what's right for the story has always been that there are lots of options that work and it's just a matter of choosing a set of upsides and downsides.

Writing in a more formal/objective way lets me use a larger range of words and just makes the writing sound more... writerly. I know, most writers know that doesn't matter -- but most readers (who've generally come out of the school system) still tend to think one is more impressive than the other, which makes it more credible in a way.

Kind of like this:
"I'm a doctor. Your son has been shot. Please step away from him so I can remove the bullet."
VS
"Your son's, like, been hit, so just, like, back up so I can cut him open and fix him and stuff."

But it also adds that distance, which I don't want. There are times when it makes events less visceral, and it's the reason why I have so much trouble relating to or even caring about a lot of lit fic protagonists (and you can't just switch because you need to be consistent). It also takes that much longer for me to write.

At the same time, "cleaned up" vernacular creates the illusion that anyone can do it and robs you of bragging rights (being able to do something people acknowledge they can't do

).

But I shouldn't let me ego get in the way of this... and I need to be able to write a lot if I want to produce anywhere near the amount of stories I'd like to.

Visceral vernacular it is! Let's just hope that most editors haven't been influenced by the school system...

Katallina · May 25, 2013

I've always viewed this as a camera in third person, and then, depending on what I'm doing--scene, summary, etc--it's my job to figure out where I want that. Is it over their heads looking down right now? (Further away) Or maybe I have it over their shoulder like you'd see in a third person shooter game? (Which I view as being a lot closer.) Regardless, making sure that what I'm saying is clear, that it gets the story across, is priority one. From there, I use the distance I'm currently at to decide whether to stay more neutral or whether to allow a bit more voice to flow in.

Lila knew, in that moment, it was going to be a long night.

It was gonna be a long night. That much Lila knew for sure.

'Twould be a long night. Of that, if nothing else, Lila was certain.

All three of those tell you the same thing, but the voice, style and mood of each are different.

What I do is write my first draft as it comes and eventually I do a sweep, chapter by chapter, and make sure that every piece of dialogue, every scene, etc. is in the right voice and / or at the right distance--and that it won't confuse the reader while doing this.

I hope that helps.

To me, this is where the art / craft aspect of writing really comes into play.

Vernacular OK?

Kindness

Back From My Self-Imposed Exile

Anna Spargo-Ryan

Just pokin' about

SianaBlackwood

Wolf Coven

NikiK

guttersquid

I agree with Roxxsmom.

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

Ken

bonitakale

rainsmom

Feeling like an old timer

James D. Macdonald

Your Genial Uncle

Roxxsmom

Raised by Wolves

Billtrumpet25

Kindness

Back From My Self-Imposed Exile

Katallina