Short punchy sentences

Mr Mitchell · May 16, 2013

This has been on my mind for the last few days. I've been thinking about short punchy sentenes in novels, mostly in Thrillers.

Like if a character says things like in first person:

You want a coffee, go make it yourself.

The house is stale and old. No one lives there anymore.

If I'm going to shoot someone, I need a damn good reason to do so.

****
I think it's a voice that a character has. I feel that it's a stylistic choice. I just wonder how much is too much and then it grows old.

What I am asking is that how much short sentenes is too much and a bore for the reader?

Kerosene · May 16, 2013

Ah...

A good portion of my sentence structures are made up of simple sentences. Complex/compound vary.
But, only your "house" example is made of simple sentences.

It's really no problem if you don't start them all the same, and repeat the same thing. "He did this. He did this. He did this." Give some variety! "He did this. He did this and this." Complete difference!

Don't worry too much about it unless it's boring or repetitive.

NeuroFizz · May 16, 2013

If a sequence of many short, simple sentences puts you on edge, file that away as a tool for when you want to write a scene, or part of a scene, that is designed to put the reader on edge.

The flow of the prose in any scene can be varied and thus used as a writing tool to supplement the words and images that go into that scene. This is what writers do.

ishtar'sgate · May 16, 2013

Mr Mitchell said:
What I am asking is that how much short sentenes is too much and a bore for the reader?

If the entire manuscript is written that way then it gets old real fast. However, some characters may speak that way SOME of the time to make a point. Too much of it and it sounds like an old Dragnet movie. IMO of course.

Myrealana · May 16, 2013

I try to vary my sentence structure to fit the pace I'm looking for in the story.

In a slam-bang action sequence, where I want the reader to ride through it at the speed of a real fight, I wouldn't say:
"She lifted the pearl-handled gun to eye level, took careful aim and squeezed the trigger, while brushing her long, gracefully curled blonde hair out of her eyes with the other hand. The bullet streaked across the room at the speed of sound, leaving an imperceptible wake as it traveled through the air and impacted Smitty in his well-muscled shoulder. Blood burst from the wound like oil from a broken well."

On the other hand, in a love scene from the same book, I wouldn't want to say:
"He kissed her. She kissed him back. They took off their clothes and had sex."

Look at how your short sentences come across. Do they give the reader the right impression about what's going on in the scene. Do you want them to slow down and savor each moment, or do you want them to read through it at lightning speed?

Sonsofthepharaohs · May 16, 2013

Myrealana said:
On the other hand, in a love scene from the same book, I wouldn't want to say:
"He kissed her. She kissed him back. They took off their clothes and had sex."

I think I read that book....

I'm not the biggest fan of simple sentences. I like grammar, so whenever I can I take the opportunity to explore it's complex rules to the limit of clarity

But sometimes a poke in the eye with a sharp stick works a treat. A sudden short sharp sentence can shock a reader as much as the meaning of the words.

Lady Ice · May 16, 2013

Well, Hemingway liked them. As long as the novel doesn't sound like a machine gun rattling away, it's fine.

Reziac · May 16, 2013

It can go both ways. I have a character who is likely to say more, in longer sentences, if he's mad -- but with more impact, more like a machine gun BRRRRRP! rather than a single shot repeated, TT-TT-TT. His short dialogs often sound lazy, because, well, he is, at that moment. Word choice and sentence rhythm are the factors, more than length.

Crescendo2020 · May 16, 2013

NeuroFizz said:
If a sequence of many short, simple sentences puts you on edge, file that away as a tool for when you want to write a scene, or part of a scene, that is designed to put the reader on edge.

The flow of the prose in any scene can be varied and thus used as a writing tool to supplement the words and images that go into that scene. This is what writers do.

I completely agree.

BethS · May 16, 2013

Mr Mitchell said:
I think it's a voice that a character has. I feel that it's a stylistic choice. I just wonder how much is too much and then it grows old.

What I am asking is that how much short sentenes is too much and a bore for the reader?

When they set up a noticeable rhythm. Some readers will notice this sooner than others. Some never will. But even so, while you need consistency of voice, you also need variety in sentence length and structure.

Crescendo2020 · May 16, 2013

Myrealana said:
I try to vary my sentence structure to fit the pace I'm looking for in the story.

In a slam-bang action sequence, where I want the reader to ride through it at the speed of a real fight, I wouldn't say:
"She lifted the pearl-handled gun to eye level, took careful aim and squeezed the trigger, while brushing her long, gracefully curled blonde hair out of her eyes with the other hand. The bullet streaked across the room at the speed of sound, leaving an imperceptible wake as it traveled through the air and impacted Smitty in his well-muscled shoulder. Blood burst from the wound like oil from a broken well."

On the other hand, in a love scene from the same book, I wouldn't want to say:
"He kissed her. She kissed him back. They took off their clothes and had sex."

Look at how your short sentences come across. Do they give the reader the right impression about what's going on in the scene. Do you want them to slow down and savor each moment, or do you want them to read through it at lightning speed?

I would quite enjoy both of those. The latter, for satire. I would enjoy a detailed action sequence, especially if it flowed well. Pace means zero to me as a reader. I try to consider it as a writer, though.

njmagas · May 16, 2013

I like using short sentences to punctuate a series of longer sentences which are informative but not necessarily entertaining. I try not to stick with one length of sentence for too long. I know I start to loose my place when I'm reading if all the sentences look the same.

WriteMinded · May 17, 2013

Mr Mitchell said:
****
What I am asking is that how much short sentenes is too much and a bore for the reader?

Two-thousand, five-hundred and sixty-seven. Any more and the reader falls asleep.

Yes, it can be the voice of a character. Yes, it is a stylistic choice.

I wouldn't worry about it much if you're in the middle of a novel. Worry about it later when you are editing, when a beta complains about it. Myself, I lurve long compound sentences full of commas and em dashes. It hurts to cut them up, but I know it has to be done. When someone looks at my work and says too many short choppy sentences, it makes me laugh.

Writers worry. It gets in the way of our writing. You are worrying.

jpoelma13 · May 17, 2013

I wouldn't recommend always using the same sentence structure. That can get really repetitive, especially if there's a whole bunch of them in a row. If you can write a good short sentence, that's great, but throw in a long sentence here or there to change things up.

Mr Mitchell · May 18, 2013

Thanks for the help everyone. I have started the novel and I'll be using both short and long sentences.

jeffo20 · May 18, 2013

Mr Mitchell said:
What I am asking is that how much short sentenes is too much and a bore for the reader?

This is one of those questions that really doesn't have an answer. Every reader has a different tolerance level for this sort of thing, and some books and stories require more of it than others.

Myrealana said:
"He kissed her. She kissed him back. They took off their clothes. They had sex."

There. That's better.

Wendy Jenae · May 18, 2013

Well, Hemingway liked them. As long as the novel doesn't sound like a machine gun rattling away, it's fine.

Best reply ever.

ArtsyAmy · May 18, 2013

Yes to those who touched on readers' preferences. Different readers like different things; I prefer to read longer sentences, and I prefer to write longer sentences.

But short and punchy once in while is okay.

jjdebenedictis · May 18, 2013

Myrealana said:
I wouldn't want to say:
"He kissed her. She kissed him back. They took off their clothes and had sex."

Crescendo2020 said:
I would quite enjoy both of those. The latter, for satire.

I think I heard that satire! It was in a radio drama, and I think the line went something like: "And then [X] and [Y] took off their clothes and made love."

That line was read by the female character, [X], in a lusty voice. Then--because it was a radio drama--the voice actors started in with sound effects.

[X] begins making all sorts of lascivious "Mmm" and "Oh" sounds, interspersed with sexy gasps. Meanwhile [Y] starts making the most embarrassing sex noises imaginable--little squeals and guttural "uh uh"s and wobbly-voiced "Ooooooh oooooh"s.

As comedy, it was pretty effective!

u.v.ray · May 18, 2013

Some will like it. Some won't. I like it. And Raymond Carver forged a whole career out of it.

Mr Mitchell · May 18, 2013

I think I'll do both short and long sentences.

NeuroFizz · May 19, 2013

Mr Mitchell said:
I think I'll do both short and long sentences.

Don't you think it should depend on the tone, mood, and action of an individual scene? For most scenes a good variety of sentence lengths and complexities can avoid a monotonous feel, but there are some scenes where the writer should consider enhancing the reader's emotions by biasing the selection of sentence types.

Sentence monotony can come from a sign-song alternation of short and long sentences just as it can come from too many consecutive iterations of either type.

In other words, consider the scene and what it requires to tug at the reader's involvement. Then go beyond word selection and image construction to consider the best way to lay out the sentences to aid in that tug.

kkbe · May 19, 2013

NeuroFizz said:
Don't you think it should depend on the tone, mood, and action of an individual scene? For most scenes a good variety of sentence lengths and complexities can avoid a monotonous feel, but there are some scenes where the writer should consider enhancing the reader's emotions by biasing the selection of sentence types.

Sentence monotony can come from a sign-song alternation of short and long sentences just as it can come from too many consecutive iterations of either type.

In other words, consider the scene and what it requires to tug at the reader's involvement. Then go beyond word selection and image construction to consider the best way to lay out the sentences to aid in that tug.

Yikes, how the hell--

Took me a minute (wiping flop sweat

) before I got the gist of what NeuroFizz was saying. You gotta go with your gut. You know your story, you know what you want to convey, the feeling you are trying to both emulate, and extract from your reader. . .

So you go with your gut. Tense scenes are terse, for the most part. Even staccato every now and again. Love scenes can linger--characters leisurely exploring each other, speaking in whispers. Emotions are conveyed through action and reaction via thoughts and speech and body language.

You pay attention to the nuances of language, picking and choosing your words to best say what you want to say; what you want your readers to hear. Your sentences are crisp, or they are vague, dependant on scene and character. You write and then you read it back aloud to see if it flows, if it accomplishes what you set out to accomplish.

It makes sense because it's common sense.

Short punchy sentences

Mr Mitchell

Kerosene

Your Pixie Queen

NeuroFizz

The grad students did it

ishtar'sgate

living in the past

Myrealana

I aim to misbehave

Sonsofthepharaohs

Still writing the ancient Egyptian tetralogy

Lady Ice

Makes useful distinctions

Reziac

Resident Alien

Crescendo2020

BethS

Crescendo2020

njmagas

WriteMinded

Derailed

jpoelma13

Mr Mitchell

jeffo20

Tyrant King

Wendy Jenae

Autonomous & Nocturnal

ArtsyAmy

jjdebenedictis

is watching you via her avatar

u.v.ray

greatest writer of his generation

Mr Mitchell

NeuroFizz

The grad students did it

kkbe

Huh.