At The Same Time...

JustKia said:

Which is correct?

She powered on her laptop to check emails, in the hope there just might be an offer of an interview, at the same time her mobile on the arm of the chair started to vibrate causing it to slide off to the floor and out of sight.

She powered on her laptop to check emails (in the hope there just might be an offer of an interview) at the same time her mobile on the arm of the chair started to vibrate causing it to slide off to the floor and out of sight.

... or something else?

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Something else. I'm sure someone will come along to offer a rewrite, but to edit your words, the first example is a comma splice, and the second is a run-on.

Try this:

She powered up her laptop to check emails in the hope there just might be an offer of an interview. At the same time, her mobile on the arm of the chair started to vibrate causing it to slide off to the floor and out of sight.

You may use a semicolon after "interview" instead of the period and capital A. The only comma needed is after the long introductory element, At the same time. . . .

Word for word, Chase's re-punctuation is what I'd have suggested. We're in hive-mind mode, grammar-wise.

Maryn, overly fond of hyphens

Agreed, two sentences equal the best solution. If you don't want two sentences (though I can't see why not), you could replace "at the same time" with "just as." That would make the punctuation in the first sentence acceptable. The second version won't do.

I would use "Just then" instead of "At the same time," but otherwise I agree with Chase.

Chase said:

She powered up her laptop to check emails in the hope there just might be an offer of an interview. At the same time, her mobile on the arm of the chair started to vibrate causing it to slide off to the floor and out of sight.

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I agree with Chase, although I'd also put a comma after "vibrate" (I don't think it's strictly necessary, however). I also agree with the other posters that you should use a different phrase from "at the same time" -- "just then" would work, or "at that moment," or "as she did so," or something similar. The problem with "at the same time" is that it sounds like the phone is doing this throughout the whole process of her powering up her laptop and checking her email, which is a weird image -- it makes me wonder why she's not checking her phone, especially if she's waiting for prospective employers to ring. What I think you *mean* is that the phone rings as she's in the process of checking email.

(I also agree with Lil that you could use "just as" with the one-sentence version, but I think the two-sentence rewrite suggested by Chase is better reading.)

This is a classic example of trying to cram waaaaaaaay too much stuff into a single sentence. Or, rather, quasi-sentence. The universe contains an inexhaustible supply of punctuation periods. Don't be afraid you'll run out of them. The example needs badly to be restructured into three or four sentences that properly express what you're trying to express. What you have now is just plain a mess.

caw

As those above me noted, you simply have too much info for one sentence. Rather than chopping it up properly into two sentences (as Chase did so well), consider using action to bridge the two events rather than "At the same time" (etc.).

And let's axe some bonus words, too.

Perhaps something like:

She powered on her laptop hoping that an interview offer was waiting in her email. The startup screen bathed her in light as if to remind her that her laptop took forever...

Her mobile vibrated on the arm of her chair. She reached for it just as it slid to the floor.

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That's five more words than the original with maybe three twice as much information. If you take out my second sentence, you can convey the same information as the original using 20 fewer words.

Some other notes: The phrase "out of sight" is unnecessary as it's implied by the action of the phone falling in the first place.

By combining the waiting, email, and interview offer into one phrase, you can leave out the checking phrase.

Most of the other words I cut are pleonasms, something brought to my attention by the excellent post Allen Guthrie's Infamous Writing Tips. I love that post.

Lastly, I realize the way I conveyed things doesn't suggest simultaneous actions, but without broader context, the simultaneous thing seemed unimportant and uninteresting.

I hope that helps.

GeekTells said:

Some other notes: The phrase "out of sight" is unnecessary as it's implied by the action of the phone falling in the first place.

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Just to be pedantic, falling to the floor does not automatically imply 'out of sight'. Falling under something doesn't even automatically imply that: when my phone falls to the floor and lands under my footstool, I can usually still see it. And there are expanses of open floor where it can fall and still be seen.

Pedants Unite!

As a fellow pedant, I merrily accept the rebuke. Seriously, it's a good point.

It would have been better to just say that it seemed like needless detail to me. If the phone is out of sight and that matters, deal with it when the protag goes to pick it up.

... would rewrite too.
Some of the stuff is unnecessary, like powering on a laptop.
An unimportant detail, not worth mentioning.
I'd do something along these lines:

Checking emails on her laptop, in hopes of discovering an offer of an interview, her cell phone began to vibrate. Perched on an armrest, it slid off and fell somewhere.

Ken said:

Checking emails on her laptop, in hopes of discovering an offer of an interview, her cell phone began to vibrate. Perched on an armrest, it slid off and fell somewhere.

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Well, but that first sentence says that the phone was checking the emails and hoping to discover an offer of an interview.

I'd suggest:

She powered on her laptop to check her emails, hoping there was an offer of an interview. As she did so, her mobile started vibrating so hard that it slid off the arm of the chair. It fell to the floor and out of sight.

Ken said:

Checking emails on her laptop, in hopes of discovering an offer of an interview, her cell phone began to vibrate. Perched on an armrest, it slid off and fell somewhere.

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evilrooster said:

Well, but that first sentence says that the phone was checking the emails and hoping to discover an offer of an interview.

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Yes, agreed -- with Ken's construction the "checking emails" and "in hopes" modifiers get attached to the phone instead of the person. Also, the "perched on an armrest" applies to "it slid," implying that it both perched and slid at the same time, which is not what you want.

She powered on her laptop to check her emails, hoping there was an offer of an interview. As she did so, her mobile started vibrating so hard that it slid off the arm of the chair. It fell to the floor and out of sight.

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I rather like evilrooster's suggested rewrite, though rewritten like this the final sentence feels superfluously detailed -- having a whole extra sentence tell us that the phone falling off the chair meant it hit the floor and was out of sight feels like way too much emphasis. You could either delete it entirely or say, "As she did so, her mobile started vibrating so hard it slid off the arm of the chair and out of sight." Or add some other sensory detail, such as, "As she did so, her mobile started vibrating so hard it slid off the arm of the chair. It clunked against the floorboards and buzzed underneath her like an angry, trapped housefly; she dove for it before the call could go to voicemail, momentarily juggling the laptop as it threatened to hit the floor, too."

Or, y'know, something. I seem to be falling into the grammar forum trap of offering too much non-grammatical advice.

... seems like I won't be quitting my day job anytime soon ;-)