Help with a quick sentence fragment.

Benedetto Youssef · May 9, 2013

Is one of these considered the grammatically right or wrong way to write something, or is it all dependent on stylistic choice?

Hard bones, sharp and jagged, met his touch through skin that must have been papery thin...
or
Hard bones--sharp and jagged--met his touch through skin that must have been papery thin...

Thanks in advance friends.

Kerosene · May 9, 2013

Neither make very good sense because of the abundance of adjectives and the confusing usage.

The adjectives are making this hard on grammar.

(Previous context) "Bones met his touch through skin that must have been thin..."

I'd rather have you describe the bones ("sharp and jagged") after this sentence, not inserted into the sentence. Feel free to add back in any adjectives (I just wanted to exemplify my point), but that "sharp and jagged" is what I don't like.

Extra:

Who's bones? How can they 'meet his touch'? I think you need to focus on what the action is and how you wish to convey it. Why are you focusing on the bones to start of the sentence?--start with the owner of those bones (or was this stated and I'm missing context?). And doesn't vary greatly in thickness, but the musculature and fat underneath does. Why is this also assuming the skin was thin? It could be just easily stated.

I'm fine with style and putting the "creative" in creative writing, but I think you're trying to disassemble this too much and just losing the idea. My advice: State simply with strong language.

CatchingADragon · May 9, 2013

The dashes look a bit odd to me in this sort of sentence, though their use may be just as acceptable as the commas.

I'll agree that the sentence is a bit clunky though, so the difference between the two is minimal.

Not sure what exactly you're trying to say without knowing the context, but maybe just something like "His bones were sharp and jagged through his paper-thin skin" would work.

Benedetto Youssef · May 9, 2013

WillSauger said:
Neither make very good sense because of the abundance of adjectives and the confusing usage.

The adjectives are making this hard on grammar.

(Previous context) "Bones met his touch through skin that must have been thin..."

I'd rather have you describe the bones ("sharp and jagged") after this sentence, not inserted into the sentence. Feel free to add back in any adjectives (I just wanted to exemplify my point), but that "sharp and jagged" is what I don't like.

Extra:

Who's bones? How can they 'meet his touch'? I think you need to focus on what the action is and how you wish to convey it. Why are you focusing on the bones to start of the sentence?--start with the owner of those bones (or was this stated and I'm missing context?). And doesn't vary greatly in thickness, but the musculature and fat underneath does. Why is this also assuming the skin was thin? It could be just easily stated.

I'm fine with style and putting the "creative" in creative writing, but I think you're trying to disassemble this too much and just losing the idea. My advice: State simply with strong language.

Sorry the context is:

My MC is dreaming and in his dream he comes across a stranger sitting on a street corner. The stranger is covered in a blanket and sickly looking (and smelling). The stranger is asking for help so my main character puts his hand on the strangers back and feels the bones protruding through skin.

(For reference the stranger is the story's villain and it is a symbolism for how he is weak/frail now but regaining his strength.

I am trying to make the sentence sound good. Do you just not like jagged and sharp to describe the feeling of the bones? Or do you just not like them in one sentence together with the action of my MC touching the stranger's back?

Benedetto Youssef · May 9, 2013

For final reference here is the paragraph I took the sentence fragment from:

Alex knelt down and carefully put his hand on the stranger's back. What he felt instantly made his stomach lurch. Hard bones, sharp and jagged, met his touch through skin that must have been papery thin, making whomever he was touching seem more corpse than human.

blacbird · May 9, 2013

First, this is not a sentence fragment. It's a complete sentence in all aspects.

Just not a very effective one, for the reasons WillS cited.

Rule 43: Never make a reader read a sentence twice just to understand it.

-- Blacbird's Rules of Writing for the Reader, 2013 ed.

caw

Benedetto Youssef · May 9, 2013

I know its not a fragment...I just meant a fragment of my full sentence.

Anna Spargo-Ryan · May 9, 2013

It's a clumsy sentence, to be honest.

I'd word it like this:

Hard bones, sharp and jagged, met his touch through paper-thin skin. More corpse than human.

or

Hard bones, sharp and jagged, met his touch through paper-thin skin; more corpse than human.

or

Paper-thin skin--more corpse than human--and hard bones, sharp and jagged.

ElaineA · May 9, 2013

I like the imagery, Benedetto. It's only the order that's at issue, I think. Anna's offered some good suggestions. Because it's a dream, perhaps you prefer the passive approach? You're using the idea of the bones meeting his hand rather than the other way around. But if you'd like to put the scene in motion, make it somewhat more active...

Alex knelt down and carefully put his hand on the stranger's back. What he felt instantly made his stomach lurch: hard bones, sharp and jagged, ~~met his touch~~ through paper thin skin. ~~that must have been , making~~ Whomever he was touching seemed more corpse than human.

The word "felt" implies meeting his touch so its somewhat redundant to use both and I think he can safely say "paper thin skin" without having to rationalize his observation, although some may disagree. I know I look at my elderly father's skin and think of that, even if it's not technically true. It's your MC's observation in his dream, not necessarily medical fact.

rwm4768 · May 9, 2013

Of the two, the first seems better, but neither is a very good sentence.

How about:

He felt jagged bones through the man's paper-thin skin.

You don't need sharp and jagged. That's redundant. Also, bones are generally hard, so I don't see a need to use that adjective.

C. Greenwood · May 9, 2013

Hard bones, sharp and jagged, met his touch through skin that must have been papery thin...
or
Hard bones--sharp and jagged--met his touch through skin that must have been papery thin...

I prefer the first option. I used to be a big fan of dashes but one of my editors made me retrain myself because it didn't fit their house style. Now I've come to feel they can be distracting to the reader unless used sparingly. Dashes I mean. Not editors.

As for the rest, I like the style you're using but I'd cut out the "must have been" and put "through papery thin skin". Not saying you've got it wrong - that's just my personal taste (I say with a dash).

Mare · May 10, 2013

Well shoot—I love em dashes...

quicklime · May 10, 2013

Benedetto Youssef said:
Is one of these considered the grammatically right or wrong way to write something, or is it all dependent on stylistic choice?

Hard bones, sharp and jagged, met his touch through skin that must have been papery thin...
or
Hard bones--sharp and jagged--met his touch through skin that must have been papery thin...

Thanks in advance friends.

neither are incorrect, but they could probably go on a diet:

~~Hard bones,~~ sharp and jagged, bones met his touch through ~~skin that must have been~~ ~~papery thin~~ paper-thin skin...

I cut "hard" because bones generally are, as anything sharp or jagged...glass is sharp, and jagged. Grass and kevlar fishing line are sharp but not hard, and cloth can be cut jagged I suppose, but again 1) your reader is probably familiar with what a bone is, 2) the sentence is loooong, mostly long on adjective, and something could use to be set free.

Benedetto Youssef · May 10, 2013

Thanks for all the help guys. I think I am going with the following:
(though it is still a first draft, and I am sure it will be reworked again in the future)

Alex knelt down and carefully put his hand on the stranger's back. His stomach lurched as he felt hard bones, sharp and jagged, through papery thin skin. Whomever he was touching seemed more corpse than human.

Help with a quick sentence fragment.

Benedetto Youssef

Kerosene

Your Pixie Queen

CatchingADragon

dragon seeker

Benedetto Youssef

Benedetto Youssef

blacbird

Benedetto Youssef

Anna Spargo-Ryan

Just pokin' about

ElaineA

All about that action, boss.

rwm4768

practical experience, FTW

C. Greenwood

Old Fish

Mare

quicklime

all out of fucks to give

Benedetto Youssef