A question about coming out and characters.

Vince524 · Apr 22, 2013

In my current WIP, I've got 2 supporting characters that are just beginning to date. It's set in college.

Ben is out and has been for awhile. The main story revolves around one of his best friends growing up, the female MC. There's a new guy in town that she likes. Her friends become his. Ben probably the closest.

In the very beginning, Ben meets a guy named Brady. Most of the characters live in town, Brady doesn't. So he's being out for the first time without worrying about his parents finding out.

Ben isn't happy that Brady is still not out with his family.

At a party, the male MC, who has some pretty big secrets that hes bee keeping, notices the tension and talks to Ben.

He tells Ben that something along the lines that sometimes when we have something that we've kept a secret, the idea of revealing the truth can be terrifying even when you know it's the right thing to do.

I don't want Ben to come off as a jerk for putting pressure on Brady.

Does this even sound realistic? Mind you, Ben hasn't met the family yet, but whenever Brady gets a call from them and they ask what he's doing, he's with his "friend." In fact, Ben answered Brady's phone once and Brady panicked a little.

Also, I named the character Ben because I liked the name for the character who would be one of the more mature ones in the group, and the one who would be friends with the very secretive Male MC.

I honestly didn't think it was a bad name until I was writing this thread question and it hit me. Ben Gay? Should I change that?

BenPanced · Apr 22, 2013

Ben doesn't have to put pressure on Brady, though I've met my fair share of people who'd post it to Facebook within two seconds of finding out. He can be irritated at first but can you frame it in such a way that Ben remembers what it was like before he first came out? Have him remember the fear and self-loathing, the dread of what his parents might say if he told them or worse, finding out third hand. He can eventually become the support Brady needs.

Kim Fierce · Apr 22, 2013

I actually know a guy in a similar situation who got disowned after coming out. He came out to friends first, was doing good in college. Then after he came out to the people who had raised him and were helping him financially with college they kicked him out and stopped helping him pay for school and eventually he had to quit. Then a few years later my friend moved back in with them after a suicide attampt but had to pretend he was straight to keep the peace. Within a few months he killed himself.

So I would hope that maybe there would be a delicate situation here, not pressure, it depends on the family. I think we can all understand that we would want our partner to be out to everyone so we don't have to be a secret from their family, but we also know that it's very scary. I might have never come out except my sister outed me. Well, she'd been calling me a lesbian since middle school and finally at age 18 she found something I wrote and I decided to quit denying it. While I was in another state. And didn't want to come home. LOL.

Vince524 · Apr 23, 2013

Thanks. With Ben, his mom was very accepting and had a sister who was gay. So it was a little easier. I'm not having Ben be an ass over it, I just want it to be enough to cause some friction which leads to a talk between Ben and the male MC about keeping secrets.

ETA: To clarify, the mom's sister is gay.

Kim Fierce · Apr 23, 2013

good luck! I think you'll figure out the right combo of story drama for this one.

DancingMaenid · Apr 23, 2013

I think this can work. A lot of it really comes down to the execution, and if you're worried about Ben coming across like he's pressuring Brad, I think that's something you can control a lot with Ben's actions. If you show him trying to be supportive and not pressure Brad, but still being uncomfortable or not understanding, I think that will be sympathetic.

Motivation can be another factor. Occasionally, you'll encounter people who believe closeted folks have a responsibility to be out and are cowardly if they aren't. If Ben acts like he's a better gay man than Brad because he's more out, then Ben is going to come across as judgmental.

But there are a lot of understandable conflicts and misunderstandings that can arise. Even supportive partners might sometimes feel uncomfortable, or like they're being forced back into the closet in some ways. And sometimes it can be difficult to relate, even though you respect the other person's feelings. For example, I've been fortunate in that the family members who are important to me have generally been very accepting. The family members I have who are homophobic aren't people I'd be that saddened to be distanced from. So sometimes it's hard for me to relate to other people wanting to maintain a relationship with un-accepting parents or other relatives. But I respect it, and if I really think about it, I can emphasize a great deal.

In any case, what you're describing is a pretty common conflict.

I don't think there's any problem with the name Ben.

Kim Fierce · Apr 26, 2013

DancingMaenid said:
I

. Occasionally, you'll encounter people who believe closeted folks have a responsibility to be out and are cowardly if they aren't..

Then you have the other side of the coin, straight people who are bewildered by all the comings out lately, esp. of celebrities like "why do they have to shove it down our throats? keep it to yourself?" smh

Which doesn't really relate to this story, but eh.

chloecomplains · Apr 27, 2013

I think as long as you don't have Frankenstein's monster walking around saying, "Fire, bad. Ben, gay," the whole time, the name is fine.

And before anyone says anything, yes, the original monster of Frankenstein is highly educated and well-spoken.

As for the pressure, people shape their opinions based on personal experiences. If Ben had an easy time coming out to his family, it would make sense for him to think it strange for Brady not to. I came out to my family in a fit of rage during a whole family blow up, where my sexuality was not even close to the most spectacular revelation of the day, so I tend to think that's a good way to do it. I'm probably totally wrong about that, but it worked.

If you want to make sure nobody confuses Ben's advice as unnecessary pressure, make it explicitly clear that Ben is basing his view on coming out based on his own experience with it.

Vince524 · Apr 27, 2013

I think it does come across that way. He talks to the MC about it and how it wasn't that big of a deal with most of his family. I wanted that conversation because the other character is carrying around a doozy of a secret himself, one that really weighs him down. And it does make Ben reflect on how secrets can be.

A question about coming out and characters.

Vince524

Are you gonna finish that bacon?

BenPanced

THE BLUEBERRY QUEEN OF HADES (he/him)

Kim Fierce

Attack me with everything you have.

Vince524

Are you gonna finish that bacon?

Kim Fierce

Attack me with everything you have.

DancingMaenid

New kid...seven years ago!

Kim Fierce

Attack me with everything you have.

chloecomplains

Pinkamena Diane Pie

Vince524

Are you gonna finish that bacon?