Condom use in sex scenes

NH_Doggy · Apr 22, 2013

I just finished writing my first sexy times scene, and I was wondering...

It seems like in most contemporary romances these days, there is specific mention of condom use during sex scenes. If a condom is NOT used, it seems to end up being a plot point (e.g. unintended pregnancy).

Now, I'm as big a fan of safe sex as anyone else, but I always find it a bit jarring to be reading a wonderful, erotic scene and then having all the action stop while a condom gets rolled on.

So, what do people feel about the necessity of writing condom use into sex scenes? Can it just be assumed that one is used? Would you find it annoying if it is not mentioned?

Sorry if this is a dumb question.

ebbrown · Apr 22, 2013

I kinda expect it in contemporary. Doesn't bother me either way.

thebird · Apr 22, 2013

I don't expect it in paranormal romances, but in contemporary I generally do. Honestly, if they have sex without a condom there's a little voice in my head that starts shouting, "STDs! STDs!", which pulls me out of the story much more than mention of a condom does. (This is also how I feel about characters who have a big makeout session right after waking up. All I can think is, "Morning breath!", even though I know brushing their teeth beforehand might not be the most romantic of all scenes!)

And like the previous poster said, it's so commonplace in contemporary books these days that your readers probably wouldn't feel it was awkward to include it.

htrent · Apr 22, 2013

thebird said:
I don't expect it in paranormal romances, but in contemporary I generally do. Honestly, if they have sex without a condom there's a little voice in my head that starts shouting, "STDs! STDs!", which pulls me out of the story much more than mention of a condom does.
...
And like the previous poster said, it's so commonplace in contemporary books these days that your readers probably wouldn't feel it was awkward to include it.

^^that.

I sometimes get a bit eye-rolley when there's a three-sentence explication of condom application, but a short and sweet mention before the act in a contemporary: I expect that.

soapdish · Apr 22, 2013

htrent said:
I sometimes get a bit eye-rolley when there's a three-sentence explication of condom application, but a short and sweet mention before the act in a contemporary: I expect that.

Ditto.
And some writers explain it exceptionally well--not going into a three sentence description or anything, but giving a short and sweet one that turns out being very, very sexy. When written well, it even adds to the heat of the scene, I think.

It can be assumed that one is used, I suppose, but I'm quite fascinated by the writer who can work it in there seamlessly and romantically/erotically.

DruidKitt · Apr 22, 2013

A quick single line for this (or the intimate application of a condom by the partner) is my favorite way of handling it.

If not, I think there should definitely be an "oh, sh*t" moment after the fact. Otherwise, it doesn't feel as real to me.

kuwisdelu · Apr 22, 2013

Just have the girl say "it's okay... it's a safe day" while blushing.

Afterward, she has to say "I - I expect you to take responsibility!"

:tongue

Alternatively, make impregnation your MC's fetish.

shadowwalker · Apr 22, 2013

For me, it takes away from the 'romance'. Just like brushing teeth in the morning. In RL, sure, do it. In fiction - let the mood remain in the realm of make-believe.

Captcha · Apr 22, 2013

I think it goes to characterization. Is your character the sort of person who would generally use a condom, or not?

I also think it depends on how much detail you're using in your descriptions. If you meticulously catalog every touch and moan of the foreplay and the intercourse, I don't think you can play the "they used condoms but I just didn't mention it" game. When exactly was there TIME to put a condom on with all the other activity?

But if it was more of a fade-to-black or vague-general-idea scene then I think it would be silly to include that one detail when leaving the rest out.

ebbrown · Apr 22, 2013

kuwisdelu said:
Just have the girl say "it's okay... it's a safe day" while blushing.

Afterward, she has to say "I - I expect you to take responsibility!"

Alternatively, make impregnation your MC's fetish.

I second that motion!

Ann_Mayburn · Apr 22, 2013

Alot of my publishers insist on condom use, or some type of discussion ahead of time, even in the heat of the moment for contemp romance.

Example:

Girl-"Oh God, I can't wait to have you inside of me but I want nothing between us. I'm on birthcontrol and I'm clean and regularly tested."

Guy-"Yes, I too am regularly tested and clean and would love to bareback you."

-insert bumping bare uglies here-

veinglory · Apr 22, 2013

Condom use is the normal with a sensible person and a new or casual partner. So I expect to see it mentioned if only in passing.

LJD · Apr 22, 2013

NH_Doggy said:
It seems like in most contemporary romances these days, there is specific mention of condom use during sex scenes. If a condom is NOT used, it seems to end up being a plot point (e.g. unintended pregnancy).

Yeah this is my experience.

Now, I'm as big a fan of safe sex as anyone else, but I always find it a bit jarring to be reading a wonderful, erotic scene and then having all the action stop while a condom gets rolled on.

I don't find it jarring at all. Usually the mention of the condom is quite brief. Like, half a sentence.

So, what do people feel about the necessity of writing condom use into sex scenes? Can it just be assumed that one is used? Would you find it annoying if it is not mentioned?

If it is not mentioned, I assume it is not used. Which leads me to think "you guys are idiots" in most cases. (Since usually we are talking about people sleeping together for the first time, not a long-term committed relationship.) So yeah, I guess it's annoying if it's not mentioned, also because then I keep expecting an unplanned pregnancy plot point. Something I rarely care for.

Now, if the sex scene is only described very, very briefly, I'm not necessarily going to be making that assumption. If there aren't other details, I don't expect the condom detail.

OR if there are multiple sex scenes and you set up earlier that they are ALWAYS going to be using a condom, I could see how that might work. Though I might still assume otherwise, because there is this tendency for characters to get really caught up in the moment and forget such things.

As a writer, I always mention the condom if it's used.

NH_Doggy · Apr 22, 2013

OK, I'm going to go back and add in a brief mention of the condom!

celiaboop · Apr 22, 2013

There are some details that aren't needed to be mentioned but assumed. For ex. if you character is a single girl on birth control and she speaks to her girlfriend about wanting casual sex and her friend says as long as you practice safe sex --it's then assumed she will require the man to use a condom. But as for morning breath, I often think "Yuck" everytime I read about the or view (on tv or movie) the passionate first morning kisses without the charcters brushing their teeth. But it happens. Just like the women are freshly made-up. As for writing, just like with dialogue, though, in storytelling the author doesn't write all the details as they occur. After all that babbling, I would say that NO it isn't necessary but if you want to make safe sex practices an important character detail bring it up in your characterization.

ap123 · Apr 22, 2013

I think it depends on how detailed the scene is. If details are given on everything else, I include it. If it's a more fuzzy fade-to-black type scene, I might not.

Morning breath--ugh. I rarely read historical romance bc I can't get past thinking about lice, deodorant, infrequent showering, etc.

Myrealana · Apr 22, 2013

I've never found "He reached for the foil packet on the bedside table" or similar note of condom use to be distracting at all. I mean, you don't need to write a dissertation on how to properly apply it -- unless you're writing a sex ed manual for teens. Once you've mentioned there's one in play, the actual use of it can be inferred by the reader.

storygirl99 · Apr 22, 2013

Someday I hope to write a romance about a couple of widow/ers in their 50's who have sex with someone new (each other) for the first time after decades of monogamy. They will be saggy and imperfect, but they will have hot condom-less sex. Until then, I expect to see it mentioned.

gcsalamon · Apr 22, 2013

Just a few more pennies here to add to your opinion pole.

If you're going to mention it, keep it short and sweet, as suggested above. One quick sentence should do it. Otherwise, as a reader, I'm pulled out of the moment.

Also, I think you only need to mention it the first time the couple has sex, so if you've got multiple sexy scenes with the pair, it isn't necessary to mention it again. Your reader will assume since they used it the first time, they're doing so each time thereafter.

And for me, if it isn't mentioned at all, it doesn't bother me in the least.

thebird · Apr 22, 2013

ap123 said:
Morning breath--ugh. I rarely read historical romance bc I can't get past thinking about lice, deodorant, infrequent showering, etc.

Haha! I'm always semi-grossed out when I think about it, but I enjoy reading historical romances so I try to push it out of my mind. It doesn't always work. A while back I read a Scottish Highlander romance where the hero rides multiple days on horseback and then ravishes the heroine as soon as he arrives home. As if that wasn't bad enough...there was a blow job involved. You cannot tell me those balls weren't fifty shades of disgusting.

VoireyLinger · Apr 22, 2013

I'm one of the people wondering about STDs, and I think that a hero who is conscious of his health and the heroine's is sexier than one that isn't. I'm also not into the idea that bareback means the love is real, because true love doesn't equal sex being safe.

I don't think condom use needs to be an interruption. It can happen quickly with just a quick mention of foil packet or reaching for protection, or it can add to the mood if it's not meant to be all perfect and glowy. The one I'm writing now, looking for a condom is always a mad scramble because they are never really prepared for sex to happen. Another one, it's an offhand reference, a third the condom plays into the point of someone being prepared.

Sorin · Apr 22, 2013

Ann_Mayburn said:
Alot of my publishers insist on condom use, or some type of discussion ahead of time, even in the heat of the moment for contemp romance.-

Yep, that's been my experience. Condoms are mandatory. And really, it just takes a sentence or two to wrap it up (pun intended!) and move on to the sexy times.

When I read contemps without at least a conversation about safe sex, it makes the characters less appealing to me.

LA*78 · Apr 22, 2013

I find the foil packet, the familiar sound of the foil packet tearing, and other such scenes quite amusing. Not because of the writing, but because I imagine the writer trying to find a way to work the condom issue in. Personally as a reader I prefer the condom disposal scene as the means for indicating safe sex than the foil packet scenes.

snc84 · Apr 22, 2013

LA*78 said:
I find the foil packet, the familiar sound of the foil packet tearing, and other such scenes quite amusing. Not because of the writing, but because I imagine the writer trying to find a way to work the condom issue in. Personally as a reader I prefer the condom disposal scene as the means for indicating safe sex than the foil packet scenes.

^^This is what I do. They clean up afterwards, making sure to throw away the wrapper. Or I mention one or the other placing the condoms somewhere close to the bed/in the wallet/in the purse earlier, before anything steamy starts.

Becky Black · Apr 23, 2013

I notice it more (in a contemporary) if it's not there than if it is. Okay, so mentioning it happening breaks the mood a little bit, but that's life, isn't it? Sex is a mix of the sublime and romantic with the squishy and ridiculous.

Just a quick mention will suit me, whether of using one or the choice not to use one. It doesn't have to be a long description, just as long as I know they've considered it so I don't have to worry. If that doesn't happen I'll fret - and I'll expect some consequence from it.

I write mostly futuristic stuff and my publisher still insists on at least a mention of condoms, even though I'd like to think we'd be able to vaccinate against or cure all STDs by then - but maybe I'm too optimistic.

I read a lot of historicals too, where obviously there are no condoms, but I like to see them at least think about the possibility of pregnancy, whether that's doing something to prevent it, or going "oh, damn, we should have been more careful" afterwards. Otherwise I sort of think they are idiots.

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