Favorite bits of dialogue in your WIP

Liralen · Apr 9, 2013

We've got first lines, favorite lines, but no favorite dialogue? As important as it can be to a story?

So, what are some of the favorites in your story(ies)?

One of mine. My protagonist is a blast to write, tons of latitude as he's left a liberal arts college in the Pacific northwest and now finds himself in the world of long haul driving. It's in the days before cell phones or even Qualcom. Don't ask me how I wound up writing this story, from a male POV. I have no idea, lol. The characters are driving the story; I'm just a hitchhiker.

I got Jericho on the phone. “Hey Boss, can you give me the info on pickin’ up these cows?”

“Got it right here. Ready to write this down?”

“Shit. I forgot to grab the notebook. Wait. Here’s a pen. I can write it on my hand and then put it in the book.”

I heard him snort. “Well, don’t forget and detour to the head before you do. You’ll get sidetracked and then have to read it off your dick.”

“At least it’ll all fit on my dick.”

“‘Cause you take it down in shorthand.”

“‘Least I can see my dick. Give it to me -- the info.”

dangerousbill · Apr 9, 2013

From 'RoseAnn and Craig' (working title):

“I actually had a reason to come here,” he said. “I mean, other than to see you again.”

I arched an eyebrow.

“Have you ever been to the opera?”

I pursed my lips and grinned. “You just heard me confess that I’m from Bitumen. We don’t have an opera there. In fact, the only thing we have that looks like culture are school plays and the church choir competitions. The parents like to brawl during Little League games, too, but I don’t know if any of that qualifies as ‘culture’.”

He smiled. “Have you ever seen Madame Butterfly?”

“Nope, but I heard the story. She knifes herself at the end after singing about what a beautiful day it is.” I laughed. “See? I’m not a complete redneck.”

“My point is, do you want to go with me this Sunday?”

[FONT="]“Well, my shift runs...” I was scheduled to work until nine p.m. Sunday, but this was my life at stake. “Oh, what the hell. Yes, I’ll go with you on Sunday. Someone will cover my shift. Some of the girls owe me favors, and the boss likes me.”
[/FONT]

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guttersquid · Apr 9, 2013

-- From my short story The Turning.

Wade said a group of pilgrims—three men, two women, and five youngsters—had come by the Tradepost three weeks ago, said they were from the old city down in the valley and looking for a new place to live. “They all had on yellow boots made of rubber, looked fairly new. Imagine that? Maybe there’s still lots of things from the old days down there. Anyway, Tuck Meyers and his boys ran them off. Three of the young ones were girls. Tuck told the men that the women and the girls could stay but the men and the boys had to go. The pilgrims weren’t havin none of that, so they left, headed north, up the mountain.”

“Can’t blame him for running them off,” Granny said, “five of them being males.”

“For runnin them off, no, but Tuck would’ve kept the women and girls, so that tells me he didn’t do it just to stay safe.”

“Well, can’t blame him for wanting the women, neither, and the girls for his sons.”

“I don’t, but if you want women, you earn them, you don’t take them. Besides, what’s he want another wife for? He’s already got three. And the girls? They were way too little for anything but takin care of. ”

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and Granny got up and brought him a cloth napkin.

She said, “How about you? You still married to just the two, Arlene and that young, sweet one … what’s her name?”

“Beth. Yeah, just the two, and two’s plenty enough. Anyway, I’m glad Meyers didn’t force it. I might’ve had to shoot him. His boys too, I suppose.”

Charlie Horse · Apr 9, 2013

Great idea. Good dialogue is as hard to write as anything and an integral part of a good novel. I'll play. First a bit of setup. Matthew is 7 years old and the richest person in the world. Cheeves is his butler and he's giving Matthew a bath.

“Cheeves, when I grow up and go on adventures, will you come with me?”

“When you grow up and go on adventures, you’ll not want an old coot like me tagging along. Why, I’ll only slow you down.”

“No you won’t,” Matthew replied. I’ll buy you the fastest horse and hire the best doctors in the world to make sure you’re kept in fine shape while we travel.”

“Sometimes all the money in the world can’t fix something that’s broken beyond repair.”

“Then we’ll just have to make sure you don’t break.”

ElaineA · Apr 9, 2013

My WIP is still 107K dang words long. I don't know which bits are my favorite but I was working around this one today and since it's survived from Draft One I must kinda like it. MMC trying to convince FMC to go over to his lodgings:

"I can only go if you have a good alarm clock," I said, looking down at him, my hands on my hips. "I have to be back here before sun up."

"I have the best kind of alarm clock." He lowered one eyelid to half-mast and offered me a grave nod. "Goes off right on time. Every morning."

kkbe · Apr 9, 2013

I shall endeavor to resist. . .

Anyhoo, so far, so good. Y'all's, I mean.

ElaineA · Apr 9, 2013

kkbe said:
I shall endeavor to resist. . .

C'mon. Put the pinworm one on here!

kkbe · Apr 9, 2013

ElaineA said:
C'mon. Put the pinworm one on here!

Eek.

I should do a poll thingie: Pinworm Dialogue, Yes or No? Or just check out today's signature for a taste. . . unfortunate choice of woids. . .

Sonsofthepharaohs · Apr 9, 2013

ElaineA said:
C'mon. Put the pinworm one on here!

for god's sake, don't encourage her!

El Rustito · Apr 9, 2013

A lot of this will probably have to go when time to do the second draft comes around, but I'll miss it.

“What skills do you have other than sticking a sword in things?”
“Bashing things with a hammer,” Jagged answered promptly. Odessa detected a hint of pride in the answer.
“Anything else?” she asked, wishing she didn’t have to.
The grisly man had to spend several seconds of silent thinking. “I’m a quick learner.”
“What makes you say that?”
“When you’re disarmed and facing several mercenaries armed with cutlasses, you learn rather quickly how to adequately make use of the objects in whatever room you’re in. Such as a bath house. Or a chicken coop. It’s a very enlightening experience.”
“How . . . fascinating. Any other relevant abilities that could help us?”
It took Jagged longer to think this time.
“I’m pretty good at scaring children.”
“And?”
“I can recite most of the alphabet.”
“And?”
“I know how to juggle.”
“And?”
“I can yodel pretty well. Mind you, it was a requirement for disguising ourselves and infiltrating the fortress of a very peculiar noble, but—”
“And?”
“I can crack and separate raw eggs with one hand.”
“And?” Odessa felt the beginning pangs of a headache.
“I know how to lasso. Although the only things I’ve ever really practiced lassoing were small annoying children and nobles.”
“And?”
“I can move my eyes back and forth really fast.”

shonmorley · Apr 9, 2013

Madison takes a glimpse of me then focuses on the road. “So do you normally swim for miles in all of your clothes on your birthday”. She halts at a stoplight “It's better than reading books at the edge of the ocean on a Saturday afternoon all alone”. I say in a curt tone.
She looks at me and smiles then back at the road. “You think being alone makes me lonely but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people that’s the loneliest feeling in the world".

Liralen · Apr 9, 2013

ElaineA said:
C'mon. Put the pinworm one on here!

Do it! DO IT!!! DO IT!!!!!

kkbe · Apr 9, 2013

Kallithrix: for god's sake, don't encourage her!

But when Kalli says no she really means yes, right Kalli? Don't answer that.

Liralen: Do it! DO IT!!! DO IT!!!!!

Must. Not. Cave.

Liralen · Apr 9, 2013

kkbe said:
Must. Not. Cave.

Really know how to build drama, don't you, K?

ElaineA · Apr 9, 2013

kkbe said:
Must. Not. Cave.

Liralen said:

Keep it up. Her writing's getting smaller. She's got no resistance left. There's no font smaller than Size 1. :popcorn:

Liralen · Apr 9, 2013

Maybe if we offer her one of these?

Sonsofthepharaohs · Apr 9, 2013

kkbe said:
But when Kalli says no she really means yes, right Kalli? Don't answer that.

I couldn't read that last bit it was so small, so I shall ignore it.

When Kalli says no, she means 'try it, biatch, and you'll wish you realised I weren't kiddin...'

:evil

Liralen · Apr 9, 2013

We're writing some passably amusing dialogue

Tepelus · Apr 9, 2013

Y'alls have my interest perked as to what this pinworm one is.

Sonsofthepharaohs · Apr 9, 2013

Tepelus said:
Y'alls have my interest perked as to what this pinworm one is.

Quick then, check out kkbe's sig before she changes it!

ULTRAGOTHA · Apr 9, 2013

Andrew, Emma and Edwin are siblings. Andrew is in the cavalry.

Emma chimed in. “If you and Mr. Pendason are studying King Edward the Confessor, then you must have already studied Lady Godiva and her ride through Coventry.”

Edwin blushed.

“Emma!” exclaimed their mother.

“It is one of my favorite stories of history, Mother. She did it for the peasants, to stop her husband’s wicked taxes. I think she was very brave.”

“The abbey in Coventry was endowed by Lady Godiva and ‘wicked’ Earl Leofric,” Andrew pointed out. “And monasteries in Evesham and Chester. Hardly the act of a wicked tax oppressor.”

“Oh, you take the romance out of everything that is not a horse, Andrew.”

“Would you bravely ride through the market like that, Emma?”

“Andrew, that is quite enough,” their mother remonstrated.

AndyD · Apr 9, 2013

A little unclear on the exact details Ultra but I appreciate the sibling's behavior.

----
Thompson was confused. “Well that’s true, though I’m not sure whether it’s fair to compare leaving us pornless to the holocaust... I guess I don’t quite follow your train of thought.”

“Fuck your train!” Marcus derailed.

toogrey2 · Apr 9, 2013

From my second novel which I'm editing now so may change. This is how my MC sees herself.

“When your men look at me they see a woman, breasts and womb, a potential mate to one of them. They want to put me in a box and stand outside with sword drawn, protecting me from the darkness closing in. That is how they see all women.” Anna explained.

“It is our right to protect our women and children, our instinctual need. What is wrong with that?” Captain Rocco asked moving closer to Myrrine.

“Nothing, but I am not one of your women. I can’t sit in the box, safe. I can’t even stand outside the box with the men waiting for the attack. I need to be in the darkness hunting.”

triceretops · Apr 9, 2013

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]From my thriller, Fusion
[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]She couldn’t quite tell where his hands were unless they were north of the small of her back. He sure was spending a lot of time down there. She could feel him really shoving hard because the hardboard support above her mattress was abrading the bottom or her rib cage. [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Are you kneading my fanny again, Ollie?” asked Diane. “Because you’re spending a lot of time down there. I’m having serious doubts about your gayness. You wouldn’t be having any straight thoughts lately, would you?” She giggled."[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, serif] “Nope. Not going over to the dark side anytime soon.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] She heard a few butt smacks—his cue that he was finished. She felt the towel buffing down the length of her back, removing the excess oil.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] “Got to keep the junk off the trunk,” said Ollie. “Prepare to capsize.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] “Aye, Cap’n.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] He rolled her over onto her back. Ollie swiped the towel from her breasts to her toes, threw it in a hamper, then stood back to admire the results of his massage. “Mighty fine work if I do say so. You’ve still got great muscle definition, and you’re all blushed up nice and pink for your date. Too bad he won’t see it. Unless you get lucky.” He gave her an exaggerated wink.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] “He’s not going to get lucky. It’s not that kind of a date.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] “I just don’t see the sense in getting all pimped out if it isn’t going to be appreciated. It’s like hanging a masterpiece in a gallery and putting a dust cover over it. You have to let that baby hang out there for all eyes to ogle.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] “I’m not looking to hang things out. I’m not interested in getting gigged.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] Ollie put his hands on his hips. His eyes turned to slits. “Now where did you pick up a word like that? Isn’t that something southerners do to amphibians?”[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] “I heard it at the park. Never mind. It’s not important.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif] “I’ll have to use that sometime.” Ollie scratched his jaw. “Sidle up to some big bear and ask him if he wants to get the gig on.” He put his hand over his mouth to stifle a laugh.[/FONT]

lastlittlebird · Apr 9, 2013

Context: Jack and Steve are arguing about whether Jack should go to a job interview in another dimension. There is a pterosaur-cyborg involved. Umm... it makes sense in the story. Honestly.

“Don't worry about it.” Jack swallowed the lump in his throat. It descended to join the others in his stomach. He tried to sound nonchalant. “I'll just go by myself. I'll be fine.” Jack contemplated the gleaming cyborg, still perched on the back of his tattered green couch, in the middle of his shabby little room. Who needs friends anyway?
“Jack... don't go. You don't have to say yes. I know this is exciting and all but...”
“Exciting? No, this is way past exciting.” Jack gripped the couch until his fingers hurt. “Don't you get it? This changes everything.” He waved a hand at the dinosaur. “This is proof of... of... everything! There are other dimensions and magic and wizards and dragons. There could be gods out there. There could be a panacea.” Steve mouthed the unfamiliar word, his brows drawn, and Jack rushed ahead with his argument. “This means there’s something to believe in. Wishes can come true.”
“I am not a dragon. I am Mico.”
“Jack this isn’t a fantasy…”
Jack waved his hands wildly, indicating Mico. “Um, hello. Have you seen this guy right here? He just flew in a few minutes ago… through a portal of fire.”
“He’s not proof that this is magic.” It was Steve’s turn to look exasperated. “It’s more like something out of a science fiction movie.”
“What difference does it make? I'm still not going to say no. I'm sorry.” Jack knew he sounded a little crazy, but he couldn’t stop. “I'm not going to stay here and safe and boring when I can take this dinosaur cyborg by the claw and jump into his fiery portal and have a real adventure.”
Jack paused for breath. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Mico carefully tucking his claws against his body. It made him look particularly awkward when he vibrated his wing.
“You may not jump through the portal today.”
Jack threw his hands up. “I was making a point!”

Yes, I know a pterosaur isn't really a dinosaur, but at this point in the book Jack didn't know that.

Favorite bits of dialogue in your WIP

Miss Conceived

Retired Illuminatus

I agree with Roxxsmom.

Speaking in metaphors

All about that action, boss.

Huh.

All about that action, boss.

Huh.

Still writing the ancient Egyptian tetralogy

Spoony Bard

Miss Conceived

Huh.

Miss Conceived

All about that action, boss.

Miss Conceived

Still writing the ancient Egyptian tetralogy

Miss Conceived

And so...

Still writing the ancient Egyptian tetralogy

Merovingian Superhero

toogrey2

avem narrans