Trying to make this dialog work

How about:

“Boy!” a man hollered. Butch jumped. It was the man in seat 12. “Newspaper and coffee.”

As his hands trembled and his heart raced like a runaway train, he poured the man some coffee.

“Boy!” Butch jumped when the man in seat 12 hollered. “Newspaper and coffee.”

As his hands trembled and his heart raced like a runaway train, he poured the man some coffee.

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"Boy!"

Butch spun, wide-eyed. The man in seat 12 hollered again, his booming voice rattling the wood paneling [or whatever they had inside a late 19th century train].

"Newspaper and coffee."

Butch hurried back, nearly spilling the coffee as he balanced his merchandise against the train's vibration and the shaking in his hands. Butch poured the man his cup, those still wide eyes staring at the pot in his hands.



That was fun.

underthecity said:

“Boy!” Butch jumped when the man in seat 12 hollered. “Newspaper and coffee.”

As his hands trembled and his heart raced like a runaway train, he poured the man some coffee.

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There's three details -- jumping, hands trembling, heart racing -- all of which illustrate the same underlying nervousness. Maybe removing one of them will make the passage flow better?

I'd try something like:

"Boy!" the man in seat 12 hollered, making Butch jump. "Newspaper and coffee."

His hands trembled as he poured the man some coffee.

(I may end up "borrowing" this thread when you're done, if you don't mind... I have a snippet of dialogue that isn't working out right, myself.)

"Boy!" the man in seat 12 hollered.

Butch flinched, splashing coffee onto a briefcase at his feet. Thankfully, he seemed to be the only one who noticed.

"Newspaper and coffee," the man demanded.

Butch scurried up the rocking aisle and served the coffee and newspaper as ordered, his hands shaking and his heart racing to beat the locomotive as he watched what he was doing, stealing glances at the briefcase he'd ruined.

Food for thought - editing w/o rewriting

I think you have good advice in here but some of the examples are really too busy. Look, it's 1895 on a train - I see gritty, dark, cold, a harsh time to be a kid, you have to convey time and setting which don't get fusy with it.

Short direct sentences convery tension and energy.
As his hands trembled is not as effective as His hands trembled. or even He shook. (I assumed this response was part of the bigger story, not just a random reaction)

Use setting to convery the boy's anxiety, the sound of the train, the movement. Walking against the forward movement of a train in itself creates visual and physical tension, for example.

every word must be there for a reason

annie
Luanne Jones
Heathen Girls (available now)

Just one more suggestion:

Butch noticed the well-dressed man in seat 12 glaring up at him.

“Boy!” the man yelled. “Newspaper and coffee.”

Butch’s legs were shaking as he went to pour the man his coffee. He felt his heart racing. He had to hold the pot with both hands to keep it steady.

L.Jones said:

every word must be there for a reason

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You're right, but at the same time you have to make sure you don't hack and slash so much you remove the flavor from your work. True, it can be a bit of a tightrope walk, but without the seasoning of your personal style, your work will come across bland and uninteresting. IMO, anyways.

Hi, Allen

If you want to really tie together the startle and the subsequent nervousness, you should go back a little and have Butch thinking of something he'd done that he shouldn't have done, so he is mentally agonizing about being caught. Now, if you establish that his mind is elsewhere, and on edge, the shout of the man will register a better startle, both for Butch and for the reader. And it doesn't have to be past thoughts that set up the startle. He could be admiring the ankles (and more) of a woman passenger whose dress is lifted a little too high, and when the man shouts, the woman catches poor Butch oogling. Busted, he would react in panic that the man also caught him oogling, and he could actually experience a little relief when the man demands coffee (both because the man didn't bust him, and because he gets to do something to remove him from the woman's scowl)--but his hands would still be shaking. Again in this case, Butch's mind would be elsewhere for the shout (a better startle), and his nervousness would have a better grounding. This way, you're making a little story out of the scene, and offering an additional nugget of characterization for Butch (e.g. did he do something bad and feel sad about it, or does he feel guilty for looking where he shouldn't be looking?). This would also take the focus off the dialogue, which now would be just fine as two short exclamations.

This all assumes this part of your scene carries some importance beyond the simple act of pouring some coffee for the man

Another note - the expression "Boy" can have several meanings, including an expression of joy (as in, "Boy, was that a great meal"). I'd have the man shout, "Hey, boy." It better directs the exclamation at the young man, and "hey" makes it a little more abrupt.

scribbler1382 said:

You're right, but at the same time you have to make sure you don't hack and slash so much you remove the flavor from your work. True, it can be a bit of a tightrope walk, but without the seasoning of your personal style, your work will come across bland and uninteresting. IMO, anyways.

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Never suggested any such thing. Want to make that very clear, Nothing in what I said hinted at taking away from style or voice (hot buttons for me, obviously) and in fact by giving thoughts and not trying to actually rewrite it gave the author the real option of rethinking and rewriting with nothing but original voice.

Never said hack or slash. Said consider every word and make them each count. I stand by that advice but in the end everyone does what the do.

annie
Luanne Jones
Heathen Girls (available now)

“Boy! Newspaper and coffee!”

Butch poured the coffee for the man in seat 12. The way his hands were shaking it was a wonder he got it in the cup.

James D. Macdonald said:

“Boy! Newspaper and coffee!”

Butch poured the coffee for the man in seat 12. The way his hands were shaking it was a wonder he got it in the cup.

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And there you go. Damn, he's good.

Note - this was written before Allen's response above.

Once again, UJ has demonstrated the economy and logic of a seasoned writer. His suggestion should stand. But, with this passage in isolation, we are at a bit of disadvantage. Presumably something set up this passage, or it wouldn't be important enough to include in the scene. And that preceding something is where you can (and probably have) set up the startling nature of the man's command. I'll reiterate that the best way to show a startle is to have Butch's mind on something when the man gives his yell, so I'd be interested in seeing the set-up for this part of the scene.

Second point - there has been at least one go-round about the use of exclamation points, and they work well in UJ's suggestion. My worry is that some inexperienced writers may get nicked by editors or readers if too many exclamation points are used (Allen, I know you're a published writer, so you're probably okay on this point). If one tends to overuse exclamation point, as many beginning writers do, and the desire is to minimize them, modifying UJ's dialogue line to, "Hey, boy. Newspaper and coffee." can serve as a substitute as long as it has a good startle set-up, and of course the hand-shaking nervousness so perfectly shown by UJ. If there are no reservations about the use of exclamation points, then my suggestion is trumped.

I like it, Allen.

And just so everyone knows, I wasn't trying to say anyone posting here does "hack and slash", I was just making a point. I always try and make it very clear that what I say in here is just my opinion and should be taken as such. I would never accuse anyone of anything, since all the forum provides is a slit into someone's skills. I'm a lot of things, but I don't think presumptious is one of them. IMO, of course.

Drop "yawned" and "stammered." Use "said" unless there's a compelling reason to use some other word.

"“I didn’t sleep well,” he said, rubbing his eyes and trying not to yawn."

I do like this a lot, Allen. Can't wait to see more of it.

I think sometimes it's okay to do the stammering, etc. for economy purposes. Also, this is a children's book so the "show vs. tell" is not as important -- word count is more important.

Allen, Butch can stifle a yawn as he speaks. That would be consistent with the tension in this scene, which comes from his need to control himself and look normal (hide his secret from the passengers). Yawning at a customer would be bad manners and possibly get him in trouble. I agree that a character can't yawn words.

Since your dialogue includes Yiddish words, are you using a source for consistent spellings? Leo Rosten's Joys of Yiddish has only bubeleh and bobeleh.

underthecity said:

I honestly don't know which spelling is right. How does one find out?

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