Please tell me why you wouldn't buy this book.

uscgbyron · Sep 16, 2012

Basically, I'm trying to get a critical evaluation of how my e-book looks from a buyer's perspective. What would turn you away from purchasing it? Does it scream poor quality? Am I priced too high? Is the cover off? The blurb? All three? I want to know what I'm doing wrong here, so I can start focusing of brushing up my skills in that area.

The blurb/back cover copy:
Novella
Recommended Ages: 14+

The year is 912 of the Second Age and Church's power has been shattered by the Dark Tides. The survivors and refugees have retreated to the Holy Island and founded two cities, Chastity and Purity, where they hope to find some safety. Ruled by The Order of Paladins, the island has known some peace, mostly due to the efforts of The Order's warrior's battling on the mainland.
This grim time brings us two unlikely heroes. Sir James Flickerflame, a warrior of The Order, who would much prefer leading Vespers to leading a regiment. His companion and bodyguard, Wain of the Mountaintop Clan, a tough, stocky, short barbarian from the highlands.

This collection contains the first two quests that these companions embark on, with an eye towards aiding the war effort against the Dark Tides and encouraging the people of the Holy Island. Oh, and because they are told to do so and The Order takes unkindly to shirkers.

Full sized image of coverart with no purchase option is here.
Estimated at 28 pages in length. Priced at $2.99.

Looking for some honest opinions, even if it's just to say "the blurb sucks"! Thank you!

ohthatmomagain · Sep 16, 2012

Well... I could be wrong, but I think $2.99 for 28 pages seems a little much. Is it a paperback or ebook?

Amadan · Sep 16, 2012

uscgbyron said:
What would turn you away from purchasing it?

The blurb sucks.

Sorry, but it does. "The year is 912 of the Second Age and Church's power has been shattered by the Dark Tides." So I have to read the rest of the blurb to even make sense of the first sentence. I can guess it's some kind of generic epic fantasy with Ages and Tides and a Church and other Portentously Capitalized nouns, but unless I just eagerly gobble up anything of that sort, what is there to interest me about it?

3 bucks for a 28-page novella is also kind of a lot to ask from an unknown author.

profen4 · Sep 16, 2012

I don't think the blurb sucks but I think it makes the work sound kind of epic and it clearly is not epic, but very, very short story. Also, I was confused by the cover because it seemed to have three different themes going on, so I thought each division in the cover represented a different story.

I think I'd never buy a 28 page book for 2.99. At least not one for the 14+ audience. That would give me all of 10 minutes reading time and not worth $3.00 - imho. In fact, if I missed the length and realized it was only 28 pages after I'd bought it, I would return it.
do lot do lot do so sinh ban buon quan ao ban buon quan ao chup anh cho be
my 2 cents

uscgbyron · Sep 16, 2012

ohthatmomagain: It is an e-book. Thank you for your reply.

Amadan: You're first line made me laugh

No need to apoligize. Thank you for your remarks.

profen4: Thank you for alternate perspective on the blurb, the blurb was meant to sound epic. So it's encouraging to know that I managed that, even if that is not quite what I should have been aiming for. I never considered the implications from the age range suggestion, so I'm glad you pointed it out.

thothguard51 · Sep 16, 2012

Not to be mean, but when I read a blurb that has grammar issues, its a warning to me that the book more than likely has grammar issues which will ruin my enjoyment of the story. This blurb fits that model and why I would pass.

katci13 · Sep 16, 2012

Yeah, I agree with everyone else about the price. The very last line of the blurb sounds like an afterthought, in a bad way. Like you forgot to include in the original and threw it in there two seconds before a deadline.

It does sound like a long, complicated (though generic) plot. I was surprised to see that it was only 28 pages. Sir James Flickerflame made me laugh. Though I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. If this was advertised as a comedy, I might read it. At 28 pages, it's not a huge time investment. But if it's not supposed to funny, then I pass because the names of everything and the description in the blurb are just too silly for me take seriously.

I didn't have a problem with the cover. It's a little busy (and again, makes it look like it belongs to a much longer book), but it caught my eye.

Pyekett · Sep 16, 2012

I like the cover art. There is enough variation in tone of the colors to make me look closely, but it isn't too busy. The images are a contrast of strong item (forged metal sword, muscular horse, flowing river) and delicate line that contrast nicely. It's a good tension. The background colors also echo metalworking, which is cool for the story you are telling.

Something about the griffon (?) (upper right) looks out of place to me: cruder line, less nuanced color, something. I like the burnt orange color to connect to the lower section, but the griffon is too dense or crude to be balanced by the upper left corner image.

Added: Maybe the upper left image could use a hint of darkening and the upper left a hint of lightening to balance out? A lighter griffon with more of a central nitus of color would also connect to the sun (?) imagery of the map better.

Amadan said:
I can guess it's some kind of generic epic fantasy with Ages and Tides and a Church and other Portentously Capitalized nouns...

I can't comment without bias on this. Every time I read a blurb or query with Portentiously Capitalized nouns,* I assume the weight of storytelling is getting done by the Giant Capitalization Lever instead of by word choice. It's hard to show instead of tell with PCNs. They are in some ways the essence of showing.

That being said, if it were a longer novel, I'd seriously consider buying it.

Good luck. You are doing interesting things.

*[TM] Amadan

veinglory · Sep 16, 2012

28 pages is not enticing, that sounds like one or two chapters of a promised epic, for the price of a book. If he story is good I can expect to pay $3 for every few chapters. Hmmm. I can find good books for less than that, especially in epic fantasy. Also there is not a lot of evidence as to what the heroes will actually do. The dark tides could be anything from demons to locusts to radiation poisoning. Very vague.

LJD · Sep 16, 2012

28 pages = how many words? 8000? I wouldn't call that a novella, and I'm not sure how you're going to fit all that plot into it.
I think there is no way you can go above 0.99. Even then, I think it would be a tough sell for an unknown author as it's so short.

I do like the cover though.

profen4 · Sep 16, 2012

uscgbyron said:
profen4: Thank you for alternate perspective on the blurb, the blurb was meant to sound epic. So it's encouraging to know that I managed that, even if that is not quite what I should have been aiming for. I never considered the implications from the age range suggestion, so I'm glad you pointed it out.

Just so there's no misunderstanding, I would buy a 28 page book for 2.99, but it would have to be for the 7-year-old or younger audience . . . and it would need pictures!

Perhaps this would be better as a free, very short story that you could give away in order to entice people to purchase novel-length works, if you have any? Or, perhaps you might want to wait until you have a collection of these short stories - say, ten or so, and then compile them into a single volume for the 2.99 price.
do lot nam narsis do boi cao cap xe day doi cao cap cho be chan vay cong so thoi trang cong so gia re chup anh cho be
Just a thought.

leahzero · Sep 16, 2012

The price is too high. $2.99 for 28 pages is way too much.
The blurb is dry and boring. The characters aren't even mentioned until the end, and sound like stock.
The cover art screams "self-published." There's too much text that means nothing to me, and the aesthetic is a jumble. If this is any indication of what the prose itself is like, I'm totally turned off at this point.

uscgbyron · Sep 16, 2012

Wow, thanks for the wealth of responses

So the blurb conveys a sense of Epic Fantasy - which it is meant to and that's good. But it has other issues (e.g. dry, grammar, construction) which need work. That's awesome. I'm heading in the right direction, just not there yet!

When I brought up the reccomended age, I meant I only ever thought of it as a precaution. Long story. Completely understand what you mean though.

It definitely sounds like my presentation sends a very confused/unclear message as to what it is and a very clear message as to what it isn't (i.e. full length epic fantasy novel). It is comedic and in no way takes itself seriously. So I need to do a lot of work to present that angle a lot stronger.

Sadly, I am at work and do not have the exact word count in front of me. The thought of compiling more of the stories into a larger volume is definitely at work in my brain

Leahzero: I was worried about the cover coming off that way, but I'm not entirely sure I understand your objections. Would you mind elaborately a little more?

Again, thank you everybody!

merrihiatt · Sep 16, 2012

Uscgbyron, I just want to say kudos for being able to take constructive criticism so well. It bodes well for you. Good luck!

Theundergroundauthor · Sep 16, 2012

uscgbyron said:
Basically, I'm trying to get a critical evaluation of how my e-book looks from a buyer's perspective. What would turn you away from purchasing it? Does it scream poor quality? Am I priced too high? Is the cover off? The blurb? All three? I want to know what I'm doing wrong here, so I can start focusing of brushing up my skills in that area.

The blurb/back cover copy:
Novella
Recommended Ages: 14+

The year is 912 of the Second Age and Church's power has been shattered by the Dark Tides. The survivors and refugees have retreated to the Holy Island and founded two cities, Chastity and Purity, where they hope to find some safety. Ruled by The Order of Paladins, the island has known some peace, mostly due to the efforts of The Order's warrior's battling on the mainland.
This grim time brings us two unlikely heroes. Sir James Flickerflame, a warrior of The Order, who would much prefer leading Vespers to leading a regiment. His companion and bodyguard, Wain of the Mountaintop Clan, a tough, stocky, short barbarian from the highlands.

This collection contains the first two quests that these companions embark on, with an eye towards aiding the war effort against the Dark Tides and encouraging the people of the Holy Island. Oh, and because they are told to do so and The Order takes unkindly to shirkers.

Full sized image of coverart with no purchase option is here.
Estimated at 28 pages in length. Priced at $2.99.

Looking for some honest opinions, even if it's just to say "the blurb sucks"! Thank you!

1. Your blurb is rubbish. Sorry. I do get the feel that this is trying to be an 'epic' book, but it's so poorly written (both in content and grammar) that I wouldn't touch it.

2. I would not buy a book where one of the main characters is called Sir Flickerflame.

3. I would not buy a book where there are two cities called Chastity and Purity.

4. $2.99 for 28 pages? Really? I wouldn't buy this for $0.99. If you offered 10 novellas, totalling 280 pages for somewhere between $0.99 - $2.99, I might consider it, except the blurb is bad.

Ok, what can you improve?

1. Your price is frankly ridiculous. No-one is going to spend $3 on 28 pages for a 14+ novella. I thought it was a typo and you meant 280 pages. I would go with something like offering 10 such collections together at $2.99.

2. Your blurb throws in tons of words for which I have no understanding or feel. Like you've tried to cram in tons of information into 3 or 4 sentences. It's unnecessary, Figure out what is important information and write a blurb that makes me want to read inside, instead of throwing information at me that I could not possibly understand.

3. Brush up your grammar. Poorly written blurb suggests poorly written book.

frimble3 · Sep 16, 2012

Cover: too many spotty little images, it looks like more type-faces than I suspect there really are, and there's something about that central panel with the map-like background that makes me think of the quickie covers they slap on reprints of public-domain stuff. The whole effect is kind of patchy, as though the clip-art fairy hit you hard.

The blurb: too many big, vague, portentous words in the first paragraph, suggesting a particularly brain-numbing kind of epic fantasy, not a couple of short stories. Especially if your intent is for the stories to be comedic. 'Flickerflame, Chastity and Purity' might indicate humor, or just bad naming choices. Right now, the comedy is not shining through. Maybe the last line, maybe. Trouble is, coming after the entire rest of the blurb, it might just be an 'off' line.

And, $2.99 for two short quests? Unspoken implication that there will be more, at $2.99 for each pair of short stories? Easier/cheaper not to get started.

Although I would like to join others in commending your excellent attitude to critique.

Unimportant · Sep 16, 2012

I agree with the others: the blurb comes across as a bunch of fantasy cliches rather than a comedy, and the price is very offputting.

Here's the price competition you're up against:
Short stories by Truly Big Names such as George RR Martin and Terry Brooks for 99 cents.

Collections of short stories by names such as Gene Wolf and Tanith Lee for 74 cents.

Full length novels byBig 6 authors such as Lilith SaintCrow, Lois McMaster Bujold, and Sara Douglass for $1.99 - 2.99.

Unimportant · Sep 16, 2012

uscgbyron said:
It is comedic and in no way takes itself seriously.

Maybe take a look at the text used to describe other comedic fantasy novels? The ones I can think of offhand are Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels such as Wyrd Sisters; Diana Wynne Jones's novels such as "A Sudden Wild Magic"; L-J Baker's "Promises, Promises"; and Mary Gentle's "Grunts!".

Old Hack · Sep 16, 2012

Theundergroundauthor said:
1. Your blurb is rubbish. Sorry [...]

Ok, what can you improve?

1. Your price is frankly ridiculous [...]

Theunderground, I'm all for not mincing words, but there's no need to be rude about it. Please remember AW's one rule of Respect Your Fellow Writer, and abide by it in future.

uscgbyron, well done for showing such grace under fire. It's very professional of you.

Hamilton · Sep 16, 2012

Whelp, why I wouldn't buy it:

The cover art. I can tell it's not professional, and that's enough to put me off. I have a weird level of pickiness about cover art, though, as I have an interest in art. I consider a book's cover a signifier of the writer's dedication and professionalism. If I can't imagine seeing it on a bookshelf, I'm turned off.
Sir Flickerflame. The cutesiness of the name seems to clash with the overall tone.
"The year is 912 of the Second Age and Church's power has been shattered by the Dark Tides." My brain's response was "wat". I have no idea what I just read. I mean, I could figure it out, but I'd rather not have to.
"His companion and bodyguard, Wain of the Mountaintop Clan, a tough, stocky, short barbarian from the highlands." That many words to describe someone's physique on a book blurb? ^_^; I sorta get the impression that Wain's stature is a major driving plot point in the book, with this kind of emphasis. I also sort of get the sense that he's a bit stereotypical. I'm picture some kind of gruff, tough, Gimli sort of dude.
Overall, too much worldbuilding in the blurb. I have no idea what the Mountaintop Clan, Vespers, or Dark Tides are. I do not care what year it is of what age. I don't know anything about Sir Flickerflame or Wain, or what they're doing.

Theundergroundauthor · Sep 17, 2012

Old Hack said:
Theunderground, I'm all for not mincing words, but there's no need to be rude about it. Please remember AW's one rule of Respect Your Fellow Writer, and abide by it in future.

uscgbyron, well done for showing such grace under fire. It's very professional of you.

There's a difference between being rude and being blunt. I'm not sure why you feel 'Your blurb is rubbish' is any worse than 'Your blurb sucks', which others have said?

I've also quantified my words as to why I believe what I've said and gone further to give some suggestions.

I'll refrain from doing so in future.

@ uscgbyron - apologies if you found my post offensive.

dogpie · Sep 17, 2012

Everything's already been said, but I'd like to add my two cents.

*The cover is really confusing to me. At first I wasn't sure what I was looking at, because they look like three different sections and it really shouldn't be that way. There's way too much going on on the cover. Simplify it.

*The blurb sounds like a bunch of fantasy clichés that were decided just so that the story would be fantasy. Personally, I really hate it when writers do all the generic things like "The Order", "Second Age", or even when the names of characters are like a DnD game (James Flickerflame, Wain of the Mountaintop Clan is obviously some sort of dwarf. Just say he's a dwarf if you're making him a dwarf.)

*I think what really irks me is how much of the blurb is knowledge the reader obviously doesn't have. Why are we supposed to care what these Dark Tides are, or how everything led up to the Second Age? Sure, you can have those aspects in your book, but make it flow naturally; don't throw everything at us right from the start. And what are Vespers? Why should I care?

Anyway, I hope that didn't sound mean. Just giving my honest opinion and reaction! Good luck.

Old Hack · Sep 17, 2012

theunderground, if you want to dispute anything a mod asks you to do, take it to PM in future.

Theundergroundauthor said:
There's a difference between being rude and being blunt.

There is, and in my opinion you weren't being blunt.

I'm not sure why you feel 'Your blurb is rubbish' is any worse than 'Your blurb sucks', which others have said?

Context.

Let me show you:

uscgbyron said:
Looking for some honest opinions, even if it's just to say "the blurb sucks"! Thank you!

Amadan said:
The blurb sucks.

uscgbyron invited us to tell him that his blurb sucked, and Amadon responded to that invitation. In that context, Amadan's response to uscgbyron was humorous, and not rude.

In my view your response wasn't humorous, it was just rude. Was your critique of the blurb improved by your use of the phrase "your blurb is rubbish"? I don't think so. Could you have deleted that phrase and still made your point? Definitely.

I've also quantified my words as to why I believe what I've said and gone further to give some suggestions.

As I pointed out above, you could have given those suggestions without the rude bit of your post, which would have been not only acceptable but useful too.

I'll refrain from doing so in future.

You'll refrain from "[quantifying your] words as to why [you] believe what [you've] said and gone further to give some suggestions" in future? No, that's the bit we want you to continue with! just stop with the rudeness!

@ uscgbyron - apologies if you found my post offensive.

Nicely done. Thank you.

EMaree · Sep 17, 2012

Agreed with the comments about the first line of the blurb. "The year is 912 of the Second Age and Church's power has been shattered by the Dark Tides." makes no sense to me and instantly loses my interest, before I even get to the second line (which is clearer and more enticing).

This collection contains the first two quests that these companions embark on, with an eye towards aiding the war effort against the Dark Tides and encouraging the people of the Holy Island.

Click to expand...

This doesn't give me any idea what the conflict will be. What's the exciting hook of this story? What are the dangers they're going up against? You've got an epic fantasy world here, show us some of it's flare!

Oh, and because they are told to do so and The Order takes unkindly to shirkers.

Click to expand...

I wasn't expecting a comedy tone from the blurb so far, so this caught me off-guard. It's a slightly 'flat' end to a blurb. Pick up a book from your shelf, and you'll notice blurbs usually end in a promise of danger or excitement ahead to entice the reader further.

I also agree that the word count are lower than I'd be expecting, as a reader, considering the genre and age range

Best of luck with this project, uscgbyron. You've got a good, professional attitude towards constructive criticism.

mccardey · Sep 17, 2012

Theundergroundauthor said:
@ uscgbyron - apologies if you found my post offensive.

*sigh*

Theunderground - apologies that the sigh above sounds a little bit like a criticism. It is a criticism. I made it because I really hate non-apology apologies. It's a thing of mine.

OldHack - sorry for dogpiling. My sorrow, however, was overwhelmed by my dislike of non-apology apologies.

Please tell me why you wouldn't buy this book.

figuring it all out

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Writing! Writing! Writing!

Believe in yourself!

Heckuva good sport

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