Okay, which one reads better?

ANNIE · Dec 14, 2005

Two variations of the same sentence, which one reads better?

#1 The thin cotton shirt he wore was saturated through with both sweat and blood; he was soon shivering with the fever that held him firmly in its grip.

#2 The thin cotton shirt he wore was saturated through with sweat and blood; he was soon shivering with fever.

Annabella · Dec 14, 2005

I like number 2 better. It's neat, clean, and to the point.

A. Hamilton · Dec 14, 2005

Of those two, I would choose #2, much more concise. But I'm itching to switch the word order around, sweat and blood first, (since it comes from within it him it helps demonstrate his anguish) then the thin shirt (external evidence).
Of course if I am coming completly out of context here, feel free to ignore me.

reph · Dec 14, 2005

ANNIE said:
#1 The thin cotton shirt he wore was saturated through with both sweat and blood; he was soon shivering with the fever that held him firmly in its grip.

#2 The thin cotton shirt he wore was saturated through with sweat and blood; he was soon shivering with fever.

#3 Sweat and blood saturated his thin cotton shirt. Soon he shivered with fever.

ANNIE · Dec 14, 2005

#3 Sweat and blood saturated the thin cotton shirt he wore; he was soon shivering with fever.Okay 1-2-or 3

Reph beat me to it.

abwallace · Dec 14, 2005

I like #3 best. Reph's version appeals to me more because he cut it down even futher. Just sounded stronger when I read it.

Just my opinion.

Toni W.

DamaNegra · Dec 14, 2005

Of Annie's sentences, I like #2 better. However, I feel inclined to favor Reph's #3 sentence.

reph · Dec 14, 2005

abwallace said:
Reph's version appeals to me more because he...

Thanks, and it's "she."

veinglory · Dec 14, 2005

2or 3 but without the 'soon'

ANNIE · Dec 14, 2005

I bow to you all, I tend to get a little wordy,

#3 it is. Thanks for your esteemed opinions
Annie

underthecity · Dec 14, 2005

Well, shoot, guess I'm too late.

Definitely 3. More active than "shirt. . . was saturated."

allen

Sharon Mock · Dec 14, 2005

Just to make things more interesting, I prefer "His thin cotton shirt was saturated through with sweat and blood." I think sweat and blood -- the heart of the sentence -- has more prominence at the end of the sentence than at the beginning, and saturated makes a more interesting adjective than verb.

I don't think the two clauses are part of the same sentence. I'd write them as separate paragraphs. (And what do you mean by soon?)

#4: His thin cotton shirt was saturated through with sweat and blood.

He tried to continue, but he'd started shivering with fever.

pdr · Dec 14, 2005

A question

Perhaps it's my non-American background but surely 'saturated' stands by itself and does not need through. If something is saturated doesn't that mean it is soaked right through?

jst5150 · Dec 14, 2005

Reph's revision rules. Nixes the passive.

reph · Dec 14, 2005

pdr said:
Perhaps it's my non-American background but surely 'saturated' stands by itself and does not need through. If something is saturated doesn't that mean it is soaked right through?

Yes, it does, and I'm American. If you wrote "saturated through," an editor would delete "through," I hope.

The verb could be "soaked" instead of "saturated."

I proposed version 3 because it's simple and direct. The best way to write the sentence, though, would depend on the context, what the writer wanted to emphasize, and what sounds and rhythms would fit in at that point. Putting the thin shirt last emphasizes that the character is cold (his shirt is wet) and thus leads into his fever and shivering. For some purposes, emphasizing the sweat and blood would do better.

DamaNegra · Dec 14, 2005

Sorry Reph, I guess I just connected reph with ralph and I assumed you were a guy

By the way, I liked reph's sentence better because it was simpler, more direct and eliminated the passive.

Jamesaritchie · Dec 15, 2005

I would keep it as one sentence, but in any version, I think the semicolon should go. "And" is better in fiction, and when you can replace a semicolon with "and," you should. Combing sentences is often what gives fiction flow, and helps avoid teh worst thing any fiction writer can do where rhythm is concerned, which is choppiness."Saturated through" also strikes me as redundant. "Through" is unnecessary, since "saturated" means the same thing. An editor would cross out "Through," not "saturated." Even "soaked through" is too much. "Saturated" and "soaked" work fine without help.

Bufty · Dec 15, 2005

I'm with Reph on this one.

ANNIE · Dec 15, 2005

Wow, thanks all, I appreciate the advice - will strike through and the semicolon.

(BTW- the character is unconscious,)

Can I post one sentence at a time of my MS and you guys can fix them for me?

Thanks- Annie

blacbird · Dec 15, 2005

Also, "saturated through" is redundant.

ipsda · Dec 15, 2005

My opinion

I must agree with James. I would rather write something like:

Blood and sweat seeped through the thin cotton shirt and soon he shivered from a fever.

This would be the way I would try to word it.

reph · Dec 15, 2005

Jamesaritchie said:
An editor would cross out "Through," not "saturated."

Yes, a wide-awake editor would. I've corrected my post.

abwallace · Dec 15, 2005

reph said:
Thanks, and it's "she."

You're a "she". Sorry. But in my defense--I've been taught that if in doubt, it's always male.

Toni W.

reph · Dec 15, 2005

abwallace said:
I've been taught that if in doubt, it's always male.

Good enough if you don't mind getting it wrong half the time. A more realistic rule is "If in doubt, make no assumptions."

PeeDee · Dec 15, 2005

"Better to be suspected an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain.

(Which does not apply to you, abwallace, but is just one of those wonderful quotes I jump at the chance to throw out there.)

Okay, which one reads better?

writer again

here for a minute...catch me?

Fig of authority

Mexican on the loose!

Fig of authority

volitare nequeo

Finestkind

Wing nut

Vorpal Comics. Weekly Podcast. Twitch Artist. Vet

Fig of authority

Mexican on the loose!

Where have the last ten years gone?

Fig of authority

Fig of authority

Where's my tea, please...?