The Worsest Writing Ever game.

RichardFlea · Oct 24, 2011

Hi everyone!

Here’s a new game to play (for some fun) J

By now we all should have learnt something valuable about writing from this excellent forum. The challenge here is to condense one thing you have learnt into one really, really bad piece of writing. It is to be so bad that it is good.

Here are the rules;

1) The piece must begin with a suitable title
2) The piece must have a short introduction describing what you have learnt and what you are aiming for in this ‘bad’ piece
3) The piece must be 100 words or less
4) The piece must only cover one ‘bad’ writing technique (so please review your work to remove bad spelling, unless it is a piece on bad spelling)
5) It must be readable (ie: no gobbledegook)
6) You must try to be bad (no cut and paste of something you did not like the review of)

Alternatively you can post a critique on a previous work, but it must be a critique to make it worser, not better! Please no negative criticism on how someone is no good at writing bad. That just does a poor sensitive writer’s head in.

Alternatively you can applaud someone else’s bad attempt.

Note there are extra points for humour!

So go out and have fun writing your worsest.

RichardFlea · Oct 24, 2011

The Curse of the Evil Spell Checker

Here is a piece on how I have learnt not to rely on the automated spell checkers in software programs as my default beta reader. Enjoy! (PS: It helps if you read the piece out loud.)

“That spell chequer is coursed!” sated Brian.

“Eye do nut fink sew.” Susan replied as she lanced at the commuter scream.

“Off curse it is.” Byron stayed. “Luke at watt ewe have rotten. It is stew pig.”

“There is no read Lyons on the scream. There would be rude wiggly lions under the world if it was spooled rung. Weather it is rung or wether it is wright ore knot dose Knut meter inn may mined. That is wart u halve a poof reader four.” Suzan Sid.

“Yule would kneed a grate poof reader to fix that bade righting. It is a peace of crepe. I ham worming ewe. It is coursed and will flail.” Bryan committed.

“Eye do nut car watt ewe fink. I am righting form the heat. Sum won will reed this and louver it four watt it is.” Sew san replied.

The Enid

Dancre · Oct 24, 2011

I've learned so much from this board, that it's hard to break it down. Avoid info dumping and lots of sighing!! So here goes.

Tom sighed heavily. His girlfriend left him last night after she found out he was looking at porn on the internet most of the night, but he didn't see anything wrong with it. The porn, which as everyone knows, is when women do the na-na thing with other men or even women. Porn began in Victorian era an example the French Impressionist Edouard Manet, when he painted Olympia, a nude picture of a French woman, clled a prostitute picture. It really started a a huge controversy. In the 19th century, legistation outlawed any kind of porn in writings and images and even went so far as to destroy any shops or warehouses that sold porn.

Tom sighed again. Now he would be alone and he was scared of dying alone. Tom's mother died alone when she was in the hospital. That's a place where people go when they are sick. Hospitals first began in Egypian temples for the healer-god Asclepius and the place functioned as a center for medical advice as well as prognosis and healing.

Tom sighed again, placing the tea cup down on the table, spilling some of the tea. He loved tea. It was said that tea began in china. He sighed.

:sleepy:

Sorry, I put myself to sleep there.

Dancre · Oct 24, 2011

Richrd, I muzt saw tht I dont c th problm w/ths peace. Ti cems 2 me tht ti iz wll writtn & mite even pss publichrs i. kp @ ti.

RichardFlea said:
The Curse of the Evil Spell Checker

Here is a piece on how I have learnt not to rely on the automated spell checkers in software programs as my default beta reader. Enjoy! (PS: It helps if you read the piece out loud.)

“That spell chequer is coursed!” sated Brian.

“Eye do nut fink sew.” Susan replied as she lanced at the commuter scream.

“Off curse it is.” Byron stayed. “Luke at watt ewe have rotten. It is stew pig.”

“There is no read Lyons on the scream. There would be rude wiggly lions under the world if it was spooled rung. Weather it is rung or wether it is wright ore knot dose Knut meter inn may mined. That is wart u halve a poof reader four.” Suzan Sid.

“Yule would kneed a grate poof reader to fix that bade righting. It is a peace of crepe. I ham worming ewe. It is coursed and will flail.” Bryan committed.

“Eye do nut car watt ewe fink. I am righting form the heat. Sum won will reed this and louver it four watt it is.” Sew san replied.

The Enid

Pthom · Oct 24, 2011

This is a fun game. But it's misplaced. I'm moving it to the Exercises, Prompts and Trivial Pursuits forum. Play on!

RichardFlea · Oct 24, 2011

Thanks Pthom! Sorry about misplacing it. Maybe that was part of the game!

RichardFlea · Oct 24, 2011

LOL! Love it Dancre! Excellent work. Great info-dumping and I love how it has everything from Monet to Egyptian temples. Flows very well.

Also love the excessive sighing, but might that not be another thing to learn? I wonder if anyone could come up with a repetitive word posting.

But alas your reply failed the 'rude wiggly lion under the world' test (it came up with 17 red wiggly lines when pasted into word) but could pass the phone texting novel writing prose posting.

You probably would win that one.

Dancre · Oct 24, 2011

Repetitive word? So like if Tom were to like be afraid of dying alone because like his mom died alone and like it scared him? So like he always made sure his cat was like near him becuase dying alone scared him. Like. Sigh.

RichardFlea said:
LOL! Love it Dancre! Excellent work. Great info-dumping and I love how it has everything from Monet to Egyptian temples. Flows very well.

Also love the excessive sighing, but might that not be another thing to learn? I wonder if anyone could come up with a repetitive word posting.

But alas your reply failed the 'rude wiggly lion under the world' test (it came up with 17 red wiggly lines when pasted into word) but could pass the phone texting novel writing prose posting. You probably would win that one.

BunnyMaz · Oct 25, 2011

I learned that varying the words used can make a piece of work more complex and interesting! The thesaurus is my best friend! Long words are good words!

The Heavy Storm

[FONT=Calibri, sans-serif]Pendulous cumulonimbus, maroon and crimson, hung dark and foreboding, lending the nebulous dome of sky a terrible weight. Cackling lightning rent the arc of heaven, giving the impression that some elder deity was enraged or pensive. A cacophonous roar of thunder tore through the aether, sending sheltering songbirds to panicked flight from their tentative shelter within the tangled boughs of ancient, gnarled oaks. [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, sans-serif]Sheltered from this inconceivable chaos, Tarquin rested in gentle soliloquy by the warming, sensual dance of his fireplace, feet propped lazily on damasque cushions, a steaming pitcher of creamy cocoa clutched in his weathered hands.[/FONT]
Oh damn, I ran out of word count already? But I thought more words was good?

Giovanni_Spada · Oct 25, 2011

BunnyMaz said:
I learned that varying the words used can make a piece of work more complex and interesting! The thesaurus is my best friend! Long words are good words!

The Heavy Storm

[FONT=Calibri, sans-serif]Pendulous cumulonimbus, maroon and crimson, hung dark and foreboding, lending the nebulous dome of sky a terrible weight. Cackling lightning rent the arc of heaven, giving the impression that some elder deity was enraged or pensive. A cacophonous roar of thunder tore through the aether, sending sheltering songbirds to panicked flight from their tentative shelter within the tangled boughs of ancient, gnarled oaks. [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, sans-serif]Sheltered from this inconceivable chaos, Tarquin rested in gentle soliloquy by the warming, sensual dance of his fireplace, feet propped lazily on damasque cushions, a steaming pitcher of creamy cocoa clutched in his weathered hands.[/FONT]
Oh damn, I ran out of word count already? But I thought more words was good?

Is it bad that, except for the "pendulous cumulonimbus" part, I think that the above passage is actually pretty good?

BunnyMaz · Oct 25, 2011

*edit*

Damnit people, my bad writing example can't be so bad that no one else can do worse. Come on!

RichardFlea · Oct 31, 2011

Dear Miss Bunny made of meat!

Love it! Just BRILLIANT.

I only had one critisism, why use a three letter word when a seven letter one will do. I suggest firmament instead of sky.

And why use a common word, weight, when avoirdupois will do, but then, that might make it unreadable. (I don't even know what one of those is)

Otherwise wonderfully constructed!

Well done.

PS. http://thesaurus.com/ is really useful!

Chris P · Oct 31, 2011

Bad advice: The reader needs to have dialog reinforced with a redundant dialog tag.

"That idiot!" Steve slammed down the phone, pissed as hell at who he was talking to.

"What's wrong, honey?" Barb asked, wondering what was wrong.

"That Mike. Ooh! He makes me so mad!" Steve said, really mad at Mike.

"Oh, you just have to know how to take Mike," Barb, who thought she understood Mike, said. "Once you understand him you won't get so upset over what he says."

Barb walked over to Steve and ran her fingers through his hair to make him feel better. "Let me make you feel better, baby. I know you like having your hair stroked."

Steve took Barb in his arms because he loved her. "I love you, baby."

areteus · Oct 31, 2011

Suddenly! As if from nowhere! Something appeared! It was a rabbit. But then! Another one appeared and it was still a rabbit. However! With great alacrity the hero leapt into action quickly and uncovered the rabbit what was lying under the floorboards all quiet like. But suddenly! Another one appeared! But this one was the rabbit from Monty Python and it ate him all up!

The end!!!!

Chris P · Oct 31, 2011

You know, it takes some thought to write something deliberately bad. I have three ideas and each time I try to write them they just don't seem bad enough.

Perhaps I shouldn't try so hard and write like I always do, huh?

JSDR · Oct 31, 2011

The I's have it:

I'd better get some writing done before the baby wakes up.
I cracked my knuckles and set my fingertips on the keyboard. I sat there for a while, then decided that I needed some coffee.
I watched the birds outside hopping as I poured my coffee. I wished I could go outside and enjoy the day. I sighed.
I tasted the coffee from my cup. I spat it out with a grimace. "I wonder who made it this morning."
I put my cup in the sink, then I made myself some toast. I buttered my toast. I ate my toast.

This was fun.

RichardFlea · Nov 2, 2011

Love the rabbit (I even lost track how many) and the redundant dialogue tags. Great stuff.

I agree that it is easy to write bad but really, really difficult to write really, really bad... but, then again, for some people it just seems to come so easily! Maybe I am that doomed some people-person.

Here is my next attempt, entitled 'How I learnt not to name my characters.' Persist with it if you can. It has a nice ending.

PS. Be glad I did not include the names of their weapons! I was tempted...

THE CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY.

Lord Frederuntaradick the third, arch-Duke of ThingThangDingDangmaragon and Earl of MistyWoodLongDropOff the darkest shire of the Kingdom of DarkDarkDarkDarknessendon sat.

“I challenge you Lord Frederuntarodick the third, arch-duke of ThingThongDingDongmaragon and Earl of MistyWoodLongDripOff the darkest shire of the Kingdom of Darkdarkdarknessendon to a duel.” cried Lord Falconruntaradick the fourth, arch-Earl of ThongThingDingDongmaragon and Duke of LongMistyDropOff Wood in the next darkest shire of the neighbouring Kingdom of DarkDarkDarkDarkDarknessendon.

“You have me mistaken, Lord Falconruntaradick the fourth, arch-Earl of ThongThingDingDongmaragon and Duke of LongMistyDropOff Wood in the next darkest shire of the neighbouring Kingdom of DarkDarkDarkDarkDarknessendon, I am not Lord Frederuntarodick the third, arch-duke of ThingThongDingDongmaragon and Earl of MistyWoodLongDripOff the darkest shire of the Kingdom of DarkDarkDarknessendon but Lord Frederuntaradick the third, arch-duke of ThingThangDingDangmaragon and Earl of MistyWoodLongDropOff the darkest shire of the Kingdom of DarkDarkDarkDarknessendon. We are often confused.” replied Lord Frederuntaradick the third, arch-duke of ThingThangDingDangmaragon and Earl of MistyWoodLongDropOff the darkest shire of the Kingdom of DarkDarkDarkDarknessendon.

“My apologies.” he replied.

"Have you met my sister...?"

areteus · Nov 3, 2011

I lost track of the rabbits too. Which was part of the point

Love the stupidly long confusing names...

It is hard to write bad. Though the way I am feeling at the moment, that piece I wrote above is the best darned thing I've ever written because it is the only one to get postive feedback the past few days

Yes, its been one of those weeks. I blame the change in season in my blog about it.

RichardFlea · Nov 3, 2011

I am sure you have all had problems with dialogue in your writing. Balancing era and character matching dialogue is not easy. This story is set in the 16th century and I have really tried to have the characters speak as if they were in the past and to also make their terminology and use of language match that time period. For instance, I could not use the word ‘Hello’ because that only came into vogue in the 1920’s. The voices are also to match the character and be distinctive enough so that potentially you could remove all dialogue tags and still understand who is talking. With this in mind, read and see what you think.

PS. See if you can spot the sister who can speak Klingon!

A new take on a lovely old story.

CINDERELLA

SCENE 14

Cinderella sat in the gloom of the cellar in a dusty, 16th century house with heavy gothic overtones (both her and the house). Her hair was matted with filth and grime. Her beautiful ball gown had transformed into the tattered rags that suited her station in life. Her dainty form longed for a bath, but they had not been invented yet. That is how old this story is.

“Strewth! My mouth is as dry as a dingos donger.” sighed Cinderella rubbing her eyes with a slender hand.

There was a loud knock at the door.

“Now hear this, now hear this! All hand to action stations. This is not a drill.” growled the hunched form of her evil stepmother from the top of the rickety stairs. The thumping at the door continued.

“Hold your horses. Don’t get your nickers in a knot.” cried Cinderella in a fragile feminine voice, shedding a tear.

She opened the door, and there stood the most handsome prince in the world. He was just as she remembered. She had longed to hear his rugged, manly voice all night.

“Oh… my… God. Like, wow. Someone call the fashionista police. You are in bad need of a makeover, sister.” said the Handsome Prince. He held a glass slipper in one had. But her evil stepsister’s had heard the commotion and raced down the stairs to jostle past Cinderella.

“jIl moH ghajjaj jaghHomlIj” said the first sister.

“Well, howdy partner. Hitch your pony to this wagon.” said the second.

“Oi! You two perverts couldn’t score at a chook raffle if you tried.” said Cinderella grabbing the slipper and sliding it onto her petite foot. It was a perfect fit. There was a puff of smoke and the tiny fairy godmother appeared.

“Aye Lassie! Hooten tooten. Will ya loook at ‘em hams on that laddie. Built like a brick sh*t house.” exclaimed the fairy godmother as she studied the prince.

“Well, you know. It’s like I don’t work out or nothing. Oh my God. Like, it fits! Like, wow!” said the prince in his deep manly voice.

“Emergency, emergency… abandon ship. Abandon ship.” said the evil stepmother. It was the nicest thing she had ever said to Cinderella. Cinderella beamed.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Chris P · Nov 3, 2011

Haha Richard! Reminds me of when Keanu Reeves was in "Much A-Dude About Nothing."

I was at a book fair in October, and a panel discussed how important it was to have a sense of place in writing. Being the OCD rule monger I am, I asked the authors and moderator if there was such a thing as too much sense of place. They thought I meant description, but the following example (which isn't far off from some stuff I've read recently) might show you what I mean. Too much sense of place and you lose readers who have no experience with the place you are describing.

I walked down Main Street in Starkville, Mississippi. The southern sun beat on my bald head while the humidity pressed on me like the Mississippi State Bulldog's defensive line. I climbed the three concrete steps after crossing the street from the Oktibbeha County courthouse, with its two memorial stones--one for the Confederate veterans erected in 2005 by the Sons of Confederate veterans and one honoring the northern veterans erected in 2006 by the Oktibbeha County Justice League--and walked past Kadoo's clothing store which used to be a Christian book store. In the South, people take their history and their churches very seriously. The smells of skillet-fried southern country ham came from the open door of the Starkville Cafe, inside of which seven old men sat around the wooden-topped "Liar's Table" and lied about the bushel basket of brim they caught that Wednesday in a farm pond off Craig Springs Road, or the twelve-point deer they shot last December in the Noxubee Refuge. The grits were good--Girls Raised In The South, that is--with their straight brown hair, pink athletic shorts, and maroon and white MSU sweatshirts.

RichardFlea · Nov 3, 2011

Of course I have always wanted to write in a ship's announcing system as an evil Godmother, hence the piece!

As for positional, the one I love the best is how someone talked about going to the corner of Greenwich and Liberty Streets in New York. To me in Australia, this meant absolutely nothing, but to the average New Yorker, it meant World Trade Centre Memorial Park, September 11. Just a bit of difference.

kittyCAT · Nov 4, 2011

The Drifter Who Loves Long, Long, Long, Long, Freaking Unbelievable Where-Are-You-Going-With-This? Long Sentences

((The title says it all. The overuse of adjectives and run-on sentences in an attempt to create a very descriptive scene. Sometimes it has the opposite effect and the reader has no idea what the point is.))

Tom stood on the edge of the very, large, rocky, scary-looking, natural made, gray, pointy, hard, shapely, yet very beautiful cliff and thought to himself, 'what brought me here, who am I? What should I do with my life?'
He kicked a small pebble on the ground, the kind of pebble that looked a bit like his father, the kind of father that never attended his baseball games even though he reminded him several times using text messages, emails, owls, shouting out the window, writing the message in rocks on a deserted island while the sun sets in the distance and birds scatter above his head and a soft wind whistles through the trees, causing him to hold onto his factory made, slightly worn, ugly looking, baseball hat that his father had bought him for his eighteenth birthday.

The Worsest Writing Ever game.

Foo!

Foo!

Just have fun.

Just have fun.

Word butcher

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Foo!

Just have fun.

Ruining your porn since 1984

Ruining your porn since 1984

Foo!

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred

wants moar baddassery.

Foo!

Foo!

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred

Foo!

<3 <3 <3