PENITENTIARY PACIFIC!

jbuchanan · Oct 23, 2005

The action-novel of the year!!! PENITENTIARY PACIFIC. Now available at www.barnesandnoble.com!!! Website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/jbuchanan/index.html

VI

Saturday

Shortly after 4:30 a.m.

TENSIONS were heated in the back of the midnight-blue stretch-limousine as it traveled up the long and empty avenue. Sterlin Jarris was trembling uncontrollably like a deer cornered in a lion's den. One minute he was at his home in the shower preparing for work. The next minute he was apprehended by a group of eight rowdy individuals whom he did not want to see. Now he was having a type of heartache that he had never experienced before.

The air-conditioner in the limousine was on full throttle but sweat was still irrigating uncontrollably from the pores of Sterlin's face. His stringy blonde hair was drenched with perspiration and his respiration was corroded. Breathing through his clogged nostrils seemed to be more and more difficult by the second.

Zsapata had forcefully squeezed a six fluid-ounce tube of quick-bonding glue into Sterlin’s mouth when they first snatched him. Sterlin initially coughed up some of the super-glue, but his tongue, gums and teeth were already instantly plastered by the paste. His teary eyes bulged with fear as he sat with his wrists lassoed together so tightly that his hands had turned from pale to a dull-blue color...

Syrra · Oct 23, 2005

Wow.. Did this really need to be posted on every thread?
And ya know, it really made me NOT want to buy your book. I hope that's what you were going for.
I hate spammers. :Headbang:

aadams73 · Oct 23, 2005

Ugh, and it's Publish America too, so it's probably full of typos and errors.

astonwest · Oct 23, 2005

I wonder if any mods are up this early (or late, depending...)?

jules · Oct 23, 2005

From the spammer's web site:

"No other novel contains subject-matter[sic] as diverse as Penitentiary Pacific. "

Or, alternatively, "this novel has the least amount of theme ever written." The subject matter includes, of course, "the inner doors of the Oval Office of the United States President," which I must admit to having always felt were the most fascinating pieces of furniture ever.

Maryn · Oct 23, 2005

I'm going to have to go to this person's house and take away their bin of hyphens. Just because you have a lot of something doesn't mean you should use it constantly.

Maryn, hyphen-snitching fiend

jules · Oct 23, 2005

Of course, Mr Buchanan may have posted his work here because he wanted a critique.

jbuchanan said:
TENSIONS were heated in the back of the midnight-blue stretch-limousine as it traveled up the long and empty avenue.

This sentence isn't really very good. It's passive, and contains too many adjectives for my taste. I'd suggest just deleting it and moving straight on to the next one, but if you must keep it there shouldn't be a hyphen in "stretch-limousine".

Sterlin Jarris was trembling uncontrollably like a deer cornered in a lion's den.

I've never seen a deer cornered in a lion's den, and neither I suspect have most of your readers. A more down-to-earth simile might work better. The adverb 'uncontrollably' doesn't fit, in my opinion. Also the use of past progressive tense strikes me as unusual, is there a particular reason for this choice?

One minute he was at his home in the shower preparing for work. The next minute he was apprehended by a group of eight rowdy individuals whom he did not want to see.

In what way rowdy; why didn't he want to see them? How did they get into his home? I'd use "had been" rather than "was" in the first sentence, and "at home" is implied by "in the shower preparing for work" so should be deleted.

Now he was having a type of heartache that he had never experienced before.

This sentence doesn't mean much to me.

The air-conditioner in the limousine was on full throttle but sweat was still irrigating uncontrollably from the pores of Sterlin's face.

Air conditioner shouldn't be hyphenated. Do air conditioners have throttles? Irrigating is a strange choice of word, and is distracting in this context. Was the sweat really making his face more suitable for agricultural purposes? Uncotrollably is repetitive, unless you delete it from the sentence above as suggested. One or the other must go. One does not generally "irrigate from something".

His stringy blonde hair was drenched with perspiration and his respiration was corroded.

What is corroded respiration? This is meaningless.

Breathing through his clogged nostrils seemed to be more and more difficult by the second.

I'd suggest "was becoming" rather than "seemed to be", but this sentence is acceptable as it stands.

Zsapata had forcefully squeezed a six fluid-ounce tube of quick-bonding glue into Sterlin’s mouth when they first snatched him.

The name Zsapata is very difficult to pronounce. It doesn't seem to be a genuine name, and I know of no common language where the "Zs" combination is frequently used, so I have no idea how it should be pronounced. No hyphen in "fluid ounce".

Sterlin initially coughed up some of the super-glue, but his tongue, gums and teeth were already instantly plastered by the paste.

No hyphen in super-glue. Already and instantly both refer to timing and are somewhat contradictory. Loose one or the other.

His teary eyes bulged with fear as he sat with his wrists lassoed together so tightly that his hands had turned from pale to a dull-blue color...

His wrists were lassoed together? As in somebody had thrown a rope over them from a distance and then tightened it by pulling?

Flapdoodle · Oct 23, 2005

jules said:
His wrists were lassoed together? As in somebody had thrown a rope over them from a distance and then tightened it by pulling?

(Snipped)

Excellent critique. Had me in stitches - certainly more entertaining than reading the story. (I have been to the webpage and glanced over some of it. Shudder. Now I can why you folks don't like PA.)

JennaGlatzer · Oct 23, 2005

And I'm leaving this spam thread here only because of this line from Jules' critique, which just made my morning:

Was the sweat really making his face more suitable for agricultural purposes?

Liam Jackson · Oct 23, 2005

Too bad someone banned the poster. I'd like to know who authored the blurb,
"The best action-novel of the year!"

James D. Macdonald · Oct 23, 2005

The avenue was long and empty? Wow.

Go through, delete every adjective, adverb, simile, and metaphor, and see what you have.

(BTW, I think the poster should be unbanned. This isn't the PA board. Poor guy is enthusiastic and doesn't know much about the web in general (and this board in particular). Give him a chance.)

James D. Macdonald · Oct 23, 2005

LiamJackson said:
Too bad someone banned the poster. I'd like to know who authored the blurb,
"The best action-novel of the year!"

From the hyphen in "action-novel" I'd say it was the author himself.

Jamesaritchie · Oct 23, 2005

TENSIONS were heated in the back of the midnight-blue stretch-limousine as it traveled up the long and empty avenue. [/QUOTE]

I stopped reading as soon as I finished this sentence, so I didn't even get to the irrigated face or the lassoed hands. It doesn't even make sense. Tensions can be high, but how do you go about heating them? I think most were understand what the writer means, but the sentence really doesn't make sense, and at the very best is redunadant, and has terrible word choice.

Really, I've been in limousines. I've seen drinking bars in the back, along with drink holders. I've also seen a snack bar, a caviar and wine bar, and I've seen a refrigerator. I've seen a TV. I've seen an internet connection. But I've never seen a limousine that had a tension heater. I don't even know why anyone would want to heat tensions in the back of a limousine, even if they had a suitable heater.

If writing this bad, and word choice this horrible, passes muster at PA, it's very difficult to understand why anyone would consider them a legitimate publisher.

KTC · Oct 23, 2005

lol. That's all I have to say. lol.

Andrew Jameson · Oct 23, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
(BTW, I think the poster should be unbanned. This isn't the PA board. Poor guy is enthusiastic and doesn't know much about the web in general (and this board in particular). Give him a chance.)

Respectfully disagree. You may have missed the half-dozen other threads (now deleted) the poster started in other fora. One or two threads is over-enthusiastic pride. Six or seven is spamming. And I'd argue that someone who knows enough about the web to post content on a website should also know enough netiquette to realize that spamming is frowned upon.

(Although, truth be told, spamming doesn't necessarily need to be a bannable offence, and you could make a pretty good case that this particular poster could learn something if allowed to come back and play.)

Jamesaritchie · Oct 23, 2005

Website

I decided to go over to the website and give the guy a chance. There are excerpts there. Read at your own risk. It does not get better, it gets much, much worse. Poor word choice is the least of his problems.

I do think the poor guy needs to be on a forum such as AW. If he doesn't take too much offense at the way we've torn him apart, he might be able to learn something useful.

The owners of PA are really the bad guys here. Any "publisher" that would make money by allowing fiction like this to go into print without proper rewriting and good editing is, to be kind, scum.

JennaGlatzer · Oct 23, 2005

I typically ban spammers without prejudice, and this one posted a minimum of 9 identical threads. I'll unban if you like, but somehow I don't see this turning out well...

KTC · Oct 23, 2005

I agree with you Jenna. I'm sure he was a drive by anyway. Someone who acts so crassly is not planning to stay and chat about writing. He flew in, dropped his sh*t and flew out. He deserved what he got.

reph · Oct 23, 2005

I was on the boards last night when jbuchanan exercised his generosity with electrons. When I used the little triangle to report one of these smears as a bad post, I mentioned that he was spamming and he mishandled POV. Does Sterlin know the AC is on "full throttle"? Presumably he's in the back, where he can't grab the steering wheel, and the condition of his mouth and the general emergency will occupy his mind: no room for leaping over the seat to examine dashboard controls. And how does he know the name of that Zs- fellow? A name tag, maybe? And who observes his bulging eyes? And why does he note that his hair is blond at a time like this? Stringy, yes – it's wet. They grabbed him in the shower, remember. He must be naked, too, unless these gentlemen gave him time to dress.

I also have a concern about plausibility. Wouldn't kidnappers drive something less conspicuous and more maneuverable than a midnight blue stretch limo?

How does one prepare for work in the shower, anyway, unless one works as a body-lotion tester?

scarletpeaches · Oct 23, 2005

I vote that this thread and OP be allowed to stand. It makes me feel good about my writing.

Bring back the poster too. I need the reassurance such crapular writing gives me.

Maryn · Oct 23, 2005

I'm so bad. I'm awful. I googled for 3 minutes and learned that Jerome Buchanan has a degree in English. Like me.

Sigh...

Edit to add:
Maryn, who also learned that "Currently he resides in southern California and Atlanta, Georgia, and is currently in the creation process of his next two masterpieces." But what's going on with him currently is what she wants to know!

emeraldcite · Oct 23, 2005

Maryn said:
I'm so bad. I'm awful. I googled for 3 minutes and learned that Jerome Buchanan has a degree in English. Like me.

Sigh...

Not all degrees are created equal...

I was thinking of closing the thread and letting it sink into the abyss where all span belongs, but as long as people are using it as a sounding board (and the entertaining crit offered by jules), I'll let it roll for awhile until we all get bored with it. Then, I will cast it into the oblivion where the hounds of spam will gnaw on its gnarled bones...

scarletpeaches · Oct 23, 2005

Wait 'til I've copy/pasted Jules's crit onto a word.doc then.

scarletpeaches · Oct 23, 2005

Okay now.

Tiaga · Oct 23, 2005

JennaGlatzer said:
I typically ban spammers without prejudice, and this one posted a minimum of 9 identical threads. I'll unban if you like, but somehow I don't see this turning out well...

1 post OK
2 posts He's enthusiastic.
9 posts I say we hunt him down and hang him! ah er ban him.

Not all degrees are created equal...think Lawyers...ah that put's it in perspective.

PENITENTIARY PACIFIC!

jbuchanan

A Work in Progress

2 WIP? A glutton for punishment

Bored fanatic

I Tried

Bored fanatic

wishes you happiness

Heathen Horde Elder

Your Genial Uncle

Your Genial Uncle

Stand in the Place Where You Live

(not his real name)

wishes you happiness

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Fig of authority

I Tried

Art is Resistance

Watching