What's wrong with this opening sentence?

SpookyWriter · Nov 23, 2005

Unlike the decaying corpse propped against the wall, he was unwilling to wait and be consumed by the unseen creatures scurrying in the alley. His choices: wait, be eaten, or run.

Saanen · Nov 23, 2005

What's the character's name? It drives me insane when authors give me a pronoun instead of a name at the beginning of a story!

Richard · Nov 23, 2005

Well, if the corpse is there to be decaying, they're not the most voracious monsters...

maestrowork · Nov 23, 2005

The sentence feels passive. And yes, please name "he."

Also, POV issue... if the creatures are "unseen," how does he know they're scurrying in the alley waiting to eat him? Who is talking here? An unseen narrator with a white beard?

willietheshakes · Nov 23, 2005

It's actually two sentences?

(Always looking for the trick question...)

KimJo · Nov 23, 2005

There are too many "un"s.

Avalon · Nov 23, 2005

"His choices: wait, be eaten, or run."

So what? I don't have any connection with him to get particularly juiced up over it, any way he goes. I'm not drawn in. The drama feels artificial to me. There isn't any real tension.

reph · Nov 23, 2005

What they said. All of them.

Oh, and "wait" and "be eaten" seem to be the same choice, given that the corpse is doing both.

Julie Worth · Nov 23, 2005

SpookyWriter said:
Unlike the decaying corpse propped against the wall, he was unwilling to wait and be consumed by the unseen creatures scurrying in the alley. His choices: wait, be eaten, or run.

Several problems. The first sentence implies that the corpse is willing to wait, and so is capable of making decisions. The second sentence is terrible. On the face of it, it just lists what we already know, except the choices aren't correct. Because there are just two choices: wait and be eaten, or run.

Torgo · Nov 23, 2005

It's bad?

Richard · Nov 23, 2005

Wait: Turn to page 162
Be Eaten: Turn to page 44
Run: Turn to page 67

SpookyWriter · Nov 23, 2005

Okay, I want to thank everyone for their comments. I had this opening sentence in my prologue for quite some time and generally people didn't have such an adversion to it. But, I am think skinned and changed the opening to read:

Unlike the half-eaten corpse propped against the wall, he wasn’t planning to wait around and become a meal for the unseen creatures scurrying in the alley. His choices: wait and be eaten, or run.

---

Is this better? The reason I don't use a noun is because it's a nightmare scene and we don't need to know his name yet. Chapter one brings us into the light and we learn the protagonists name.

Thanks!

P.S. I would post this is the critique section, but it requires a password which I don't have. Hmmm...

Jon

scribbler1382 · Nov 23, 2005

Man, you guys are brutal today.

I agree mostly with what everyone else said. Bottomline, if I picked up a book in a store and read that as the first line I wouldn't keep going. So, take a look at all these other points, but then ask your reader self: "What would make me want to keep reading?" A faceless nobody redundantly being killed probably isn't going to do it.

scribbler1382 · Nov 23, 2005

SpookyWriter said:
P.S. I would post this is the critique section, but it requires a password which I don't have. Hmmm...

That password is in the section's description.

batgirl · Nov 23, 2005

What they said. If it's meant to be suspenseful, it doesn't succeed. There's a decaying corpse in the alley, and some 'unseen creatures', probably rats if they're only making scurrying noises. Why would our unnamed protagonist have to run? So far I don't know why he couldn't just saunter nonchalantly off, whistling. If the corpse had had its head bit clean off, and was still fresh or something, that might be different. All this suggests is that the city sanitation dept. isn't very prompt.
Also, no idea of the protagonist's reaction to finding the corpse. Is he frightened? Disgusted? Nonchalant? Does it mean that he's in trouble himself, was the corpse someone he knew or needed, or is it just a random prop corpse? He's not willing to wait in an alley with a corpse, so that rats or something can eat him - well, yeah, I'm on his side there, anyways.
-Barbara
PS: would it be rude to attempt to rewrite the sentences to create shock or suspense with the same situation? Just asking.

SpookyWriter · Nov 23, 2005

I posted the prologue in writing craft area under Horror. Maybe it's best to read all of it in context?

Thanks!

Jon

Aconite · Nov 23, 2005

SpookyWriter said:
Unlike the half-eaten corpse propped against the wall, he wasn’t planning to wait around

This still implies the corpse is planning to wait around (which is creepy, admittedly, but not intentional).

Gabriele · Nov 23, 2005

SpookyWriter said:
Is this better? The reason I don't use a noun is because it's a nightmare scene and we don't need to know his name yet. Chapter one brings us into the light and we learn the protagonists name.

Jon

Frankly, I tend to skip prologues to begin with, and if after several pages into a book I'm told it was a dream and not the real thing I was reading so far, the book will end up against the next wall, never to be picked up again. It's one of my pet peeves, together with those blasted prophesies in Fantasy.

Perks · Nov 23, 2005

Gabriele said:
Frankly, I tend to skip prologues to begin with...

So, it's YOU! Everyone around here keeps telling me that readers don't read prologues and I've made a point to ask a lot of people and they all look at me like I've three heads. Okay, seeing is believing. I believe you...

Peggy · Nov 23, 2005

SpookyWriter said:
Unlike the half-eaten corpse propped against the wall, he wasn’t planning to wait around and become a meal for the unseen creatures scurrying in the alley. His choices: wait and be eaten, or run.

I agree with the others in the thread that this doesn't really capture my interest in the story. Usually when a character must make a choice, there is some sort of ethical or practical dilemma involved in the decision. In this case the choices are to either stay with a corpse and be eaten or to run away - it seems like a no-brainer.

reph · Nov 23, 2005

Peggy said:
In this case the choices are to either stay with a corpse and be eaten or to run away - it seems like a no-brainer.

Indeed, the first sentence tells us which choice he made, so where's the suspense?

DamaNegra · Nov 23, 2005

I'm still not convinced about the second sentence. It sounds like a supermarket list, I can almost imagine him checking off his options in a piece of paper. I agree with batgirl, in that those sentences tell us nothing.

You should consider adding some details to that first sentence, like why was the corpse there? What were the character's reactions to it? Personally, I'd need something more than scurrying noises to frighten me. Maybe you could be more graphic about what happened to the corpse so we would all know the main character would have a real reason to want to run away.

My-Immortal · Nov 23, 2005

Now if the third sentence contained a twist - such as the MC sitting down next to the corpse and waits to be eaten...well, then perhaps I'd keep reading (that is to say that the MC 'wanted' to become undead for some reason...perhaps the corpse was his girlfriend and he wanted to live "undeadly ever after" with her)

But I'm going off on a bit of a tangent here...

Good luck with your writing endeavors.

SpookyWriter · Nov 23, 2005

Hi everyone,

I want to thank you again for the comments, but was hoping you would follow the link to the whole prologue and let me know how it works. I don't think a single sentence gives a complete idea of the scene or how it is presented.

Honestly, I wouldn't mind some "tear it up" critiques because it will help me write better. I will be a regular and critique other writers with an unbiased and constructive manner (as I have on WN and my previous group on Usenet). I look forward to working with everyone to learn and help become better at this form of communication.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Jon

maestrowork · Nov 23, 2005

Welcome, SpookyWriter. Yes, SYW is open and it's a really nice place to learn and get feedback.

I don't think people are brutal here -- just honest, especially since the question was: "What's wrong with ..." Now, if the question is: "What's good about this?" you might get different answers.

Keep writing. We're here to help.

What's wrong with this opening sentence?

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