I've been getting so frustrated lately -- not merely from rejections by agents for my novel, but from the varying submission requirements, that it prompted me to post this.
I represent . . .
The interests of the firm MeMyself & I
Send queries (if you dare) . . .
SASE instructions
We will not respond to submissions that do not include an SASE. In order to conform to postal regulations and ensure that you receive our response, please follow these guidelines:
Use U.S. postal stamps only, not metered maids or international grocery coupons.
Envelopes must be enveloping and should include your address as the return address in the top bottom corner of the envelope.
Also:
Please use stamped sealing wax on your envelopes.
We prefer valentine-sized (#0) envelopes (and likely to be seized envelopes) that will be used for our response only—all submission material will be discarded/shredded/dipped in acid/burned/returned to sender.
If you want materials returned to you, large mail sacks or lawn-sized trash bags with sufficient postage are acceptable. Please keep in mind that this is a discourtesy; we do our best to make sure that you pay through the nose to send but not receive your manuscript back.
International submissions
We welcome international submissions but can only respond to those countries with non-extradition treaties. We do not return any material outside of the United States regardless of what you call us behind our backs. If possible, please include a self-addressed envelope (SASE: remember that) with correct, U.S. (not your savage country’s) postage for response. U.S. stamps are available for purchase from the U.S. Postal Service next time you visit our nation.
Don't send . . .
· Comedy, Humor
· Poetry
· DRAMATIC WORKS
· LITERARY FICTION
· Horror
· Mystery, Thrillers
· Science-fiction, Fantasy
· Women's literature
· NARRATIVE NONFICTON
· Arts, Cinema, Photography
· Biography, Memoir
· Business, Investment
· Cooking, Food, Wine
· Health, Diet
· History
· Nature, Ecology
· Parenting, Family
· Politics, Current affairs
· Pop culture, Entertainment
· Science, Technology
· Sports
· Travel, World cultures
· CHILDREN'S BOOKS
· Picture books
· Early readers
· Middle grade
· YOUNG ADULT
NO FEES, EVER (except for the following):
Reading
Evaluating
Commenting
Rejecting
Opening your email
Giving you the time of day
We sell no books before their time, nor, ever ask up front for any hidden fees. We are looking for natural talent and new submissions from established authors such as: Virginia Woolf, Ernest Hemingway, Herman Melville, Voltaire and Moses. We also work with poets such as Robert Burns and Allen Ginsberg, and songwriters such as Francis Scott Key and Warren Zevon.
I invite you to send your Curriculum Vitae, Aqua Vitae, grade-school curriculum, and a sample of your work as text in the body of your initial email. We ask that you also include a few paragraphs of introduction detailing the purpose, and cohesive overall vision of what you try to communicate through your work. Be sure to answer such anticipated questions as:
Who the hell are you;
Why are you wasting my time;
Where did you learn to type; and
How do you manage to be dyslexic in print.
ALL communication should be rejected through email or fax. Please be patient as replies can take a few months/years/decades/millennia. That is if we reply at all.
Our Submission Guidelines
Our agency represents a wide variety of fiction and nonfiction for general audiences between the ages of 0 to 1 and 133 to 150. Our fiction ranges from commercial schlock (thrillers, mysteries, romantic suspense mainstream women’s and men’s fiction and more literary works), and our nonfiction encompasses genres such as: Antarctic history, fictional biography, unpopular science and quack psychology, bogus spirituality and religion, bad health and poor nutrition, women’s menstrual issues, narrative fictional nonfiction, newborn memoir, aqueous humor, water sports, current politicians’ affairs, true crime fiction, etc. While there are far fewer areas that hold an interest for us than there are, we do feel it is best to leave certain, more specialized genres to agencies with such focuses. These include: thrillers, mysteries, romantic suspense mainstream women’s and men’s fiction and more literary works; cookbooks, gardening books, children’s books, science fiction and fantasy novels, and historical romance.
For fiction, your submission should imagine:
a synapses
the first 50,000 pages (approximately) of your manuscript
a self-addressed, stamped envelope (SASE – remember?)
For nonfiction, please include:
a book proposal (outline of the material, sample chapters, author bio, etc.)
the source(s) you stole from
what you won the Nobel Prize for
SASE
For picture books, please include:
pictures
if applicable, illustrations
carbon copies
SASE
Illustrators, please send:
your used pens, inks, and paints to a recycler
SASE
Our policy on Plagiarism:
Plagiarized submissions MUST include the title, author, page numbers and publishing dates you have ripped off. Please limit such submissions to 250 words or less.
Please note that if you prefer to submit to us by standard mail, your chances of being read by us are roughly those of winning the Powerball lottery three times in a row. We can only accept triple-sided, quadruple-spaced hardcopy submissions by email. We do not accept fax queries. All standard mail queries must include a self-addressed, stamped envelope (SASE) for a response on our lovely rejection slip letterhead. Please include enough postage on your SASE for any materials you may need to have returned to you (use a large trash bag for full manuscript shreddings), and please allow 3-6 weeks for our response. If you do not include a SASE with your submission, then we will assume you are aware that we will not be interested in your work. In all other cases submissions without and SASE will be keeping our feet toasty as they burn in our fireplace.
If you would like to submit to us via email, good luck. Please send submissions to [email protected]. However, we will not accept any emails WHATSOEVER. In the interest of the security of our computer systems, all emails with attachments will be deleted automatically without being read. Also, due to the increasingly overwhelming number of electronic submissions we receive, all emails without attachments will be deleted automatically without being read.
We can no longer respond to every submission, just those we take special pleasure in rejecting. Please know that if we are interested in your work, you will hear from us roughly about the time the Sun goes out. If you do not hear from us within 3-6 weeks, then you should feel free to wait another 3-6 weeks, and another, etc., until you drop dead.
For hardcopy fiction queries, please send a 1-2 page query letter chiseled into hard stone, and a synopsis or chapter outline for your project. In your letter, please include your useless contact information, any irrelevant background information on yourself or your project, and an ignorable paragraph of description of your project. If you are submitting electronically make sure to use AC, not DC (or vice-versa).
Cordially,
Seymour Snooty
Listed in Jeff Herman's directory of agents: No Way In Hell
SNOOTY LITERARY AGENCY INC., LLC
711 PARK PLACE, Suite Judy Blue Eyes
NEW YORK, NY 10000
Seymour Snooty, Agent & Owner
(866) BEECHWOOD-45789
I represent . . .
The interests of the firm MeMyself & I
Send queries (if you dare) . . .
- Not accepting email queries
- Not accepting queries by post
SASE instructions
We will not respond to submissions that do not include an SASE. In order to conform to postal regulations and ensure that you receive our response, please follow these guidelines:
Use U.S. postal stamps only, not metered maids or international grocery coupons.
Envelopes must be enveloping and should include your address as the return address in the top bottom corner of the envelope.
Also:
Please use stamped sealing wax on your envelopes.
We prefer valentine-sized (#0) envelopes (and likely to be seized envelopes) that will be used for our response only—all submission material will be discarded/shredded/dipped in acid/burned/returned to sender.
If you want materials returned to you, large mail sacks or lawn-sized trash bags with sufficient postage are acceptable. Please keep in mind that this is a discourtesy; we do our best to make sure that you pay through the nose to send but not receive your manuscript back.
International submissions
We welcome international submissions but can only respond to those countries with non-extradition treaties. We do not return any material outside of the United States regardless of what you call us behind our backs. If possible, please include a self-addressed envelope (SASE: remember that) with correct, U.S. (not your savage country’s) postage for response. U.S. stamps are available for purchase from the U.S. Postal Service next time you visit our nation.
Don't send . . .
· Comedy, Humor
· Poetry
· DRAMATIC WORKS
· LITERARY FICTION
· Horror
· Mystery, Thrillers
· Science-fiction, Fantasy
· Women's literature
· NARRATIVE NONFICTON
· Arts, Cinema, Photography
· Biography, Memoir
· Business, Investment
· Cooking, Food, Wine
· Health, Diet
· History
· Nature, Ecology
· Parenting, Family
· Politics, Current affairs
· Pop culture, Entertainment
· Science, Technology
· Sports
· Travel, World cultures
· CHILDREN'S BOOKS
· Picture books
· Early readers
· Middle grade
· YOUNG ADULT
NO FEES, EVER (except for the following):
Reading
Evaluating
Commenting
Rejecting
Opening your email
Giving you the time of day
We sell no books before their time, nor, ever ask up front for any hidden fees. We are looking for natural talent and new submissions from established authors such as: Virginia Woolf, Ernest Hemingway, Herman Melville, Voltaire and Moses. We also work with poets such as Robert Burns and Allen Ginsberg, and songwriters such as Francis Scott Key and Warren Zevon.
I invite you to send your Curriculum Vitae, Aqua Vitae, grade-school curriculum, and a sample of your work as text in the body of your initial email. We ask that you also include a few paragraphs of introduction detailing the purpose, and cohesive overall vision of what you try to communicate through your work. Be sure to answer such anticipated questions as:
Who the hell are you;
Why are you wasting my time;
Where did you learn to type; and
How do you manage to be dyslexic in print.
ALL communication should be rejected through email or fax. Please be patient as replies can take a few months/years/decades/millennia. That is if we reply at all.
Our Submission Guidelines
Our agency represents a wide variety of fiction and nonfiction for general audiences between the ages of 0 to 1 and 133 to 150. Our fiction ranges from commercial schlock (thrillers, mysteries, romantic suspense mainstream women’s and men’s fiction and more literary works), and our nonfiction encompasses genres such as: Antarctic history, fictional biography, unpopular science and quack psychology, bogus spirituality and religion, bad health and poor nutrition, women’s menstrual issues, narrative fictional nonfiction, newborn memoir, aqueous humor, water sports, current politicians’ affairs, true crime fiction, etc. While there are far fewer areas that hold an interest for us than there are, we do feel it is best to leave certain, more specialized genres to agencies with such focuses. These include: thrillers, mysteries, romantic suspense mainstream women’s and men’s fiction and more literary works; cookbooks, gardening books, children’s books, science fiction and fantasy novels, and historical romance.
For fiction, your submission should imagine:
a synapses
the first 50,000 pages (approximately) of your manuscript
a self-addressed, stamped envelope (SASE – remember?)
For nonfiction, please include:
a book proposal (outline of the material, sample chapters, author bio, etc.)
the source(s) you stole from
what you won the Nobel Prize for
SASE
For picture books, please include:
pictures
if applicable, illustrations
carbon copies
SASE
Illustrators, please send:
your used pens, inks, and paints to a recycler
SASE
Our policy on Plagiarism:
Plagiarized submissions MUST include the title, author, page numbers and publishing dates you have ripped off. Please limit such submissions to 250 words or less.
Please note that if you prefer to submit to us by standard mail, your chances of being read by us are roughly those of winning the Powerball lottery three times in a row. We can only accept triple-sided, quadruple-spaced hardcopy submissions by email. We do not accept fax queries. All standard mail queries must include a self-addressed, stamped envelope (SASE) for a response on our lovely rejection slip letterhead. Please include enough postage on your SASE for any materials you may need to have returned to you (use a large trash bag for full manuscript shreddings), and please allow 3-6 weeks for our response. If you do not include a SASE with your submission, then we will assume you are aware that we will not be interested in your work. In all other cases submissions without and SASE will be keeping our feet toasty as they burn in our fireplace.
If you would like to submit to us via email, good luck. Please send submissions to [email protected]. However, we will not accept any emails WHATSOEVER. In the interest of the security of our computer systems, all emails with attachments will be deleted automatically without being read. Also, due to the increasingly overwhelming number of electronic submissions we receive, all emails without attachments will be deleted automatically without being read.
We can no longer respond to every submission, just those we take special pleasure in rejecting. Please know that if we are interested in your work, you will hear from us roughly about the time the Sun goes out. If you do not hear from us within 3-6 weeks, then you should feel free to wait another 3-6 weeks, and another, etc., until you drop dead.
For hardcopy fiction queries, please send a 1-2 page query letter chiseled into hard stone, and a synopsis or chapter outline for your project. In your letter, please include your useless contact information, any irrelevant background information on yourself or your project, and an ignorable paragraph of description of your project. If you are submitting electronically make sure to use AC, not DC (or vice-versa).
Cordially,
Seymour Snooty
Listed in Jeff Herman's directory of agents: No Way In Hell
Last edited:
I love this.
