So, "how do I skip over the hard part and pretend to be a real agent so publishers will move my work to the head of the line and read it as though someone in the business likes it?"
What a fantastic idea. If only everybody— I mean somebody— had thought of it before! Because publishers are such a bunch of rubes they surely wouldn't check correspondence labeled "agent." They wouldn't wonder that they'd never heard of this person before. What a fabulous trick!
Sorry, but agents work years for free as interns reading crappy query letters and partials and dealing with agents and writers and dry cleaners and other psychopaths for the privilege of someday, maybe, reading something fantastic they can offer to publishers who trust them because they know they've spent their time in the trenches. They dream that someday they will find a writer who can do what James Joyce did to them the first time they read Ulysses, not understanding it up front, but at some visceral, bone-marrow level they knew this guy did things with words that made no sense but lit up the world.
Or Faulkner.
Or Hemingway, if they had a Y-chromosome and liked the Anglo-Saxon thing.
Write something fantastic. Write a kick-ass query letter. Send it to the right agent. Your work WILL be noticed when you can do those things. I 100% sure-damn-fire guarantee it, because it happened to me. I got that "you will be published for money" phone call. I went on book tour and went to the neat restaurants in San Francisco for free and staggered out drunk on wine I didn't pay for.
It can be done. But you'd better goddamn love writing. You'd better take the language seriously. You'd better learn the business. You'd better know the odds. Because not 1% of the books written get published, and when they do you might get paid less than that bottle of wine cost somebody else at the late, great Jaunty at Jack's on that warm October night.
Yeah, I'm drunk again. But I'm a Published Author, *snort*, and I can do this sort of thing.
L