Critique my query please

Dear-

Kyla O'Shea should have stayed in bed the day she found Derry Brandon beaten and unconscious in her rural, Maine woods [not sure where this is, her backyard?]. Now she could never go back to the life she once knew. She learns from Derry that humanity has a little over two weeks until it is all but wiped off the face of the Earth. Oh, yeah, he knows this because he is one of the survivors. Derry comes from Kyla's future. Some days just aren't worth getting up for [for whom?]. Pursued through time by a man whose only purpose in life is to make Derry suffer for a crime he never committed, complicated things [what?]. The clock is ticking and [humanity's] very [existence] is all that's at stake. No pressure.

KEEPER OF THE DREAM is complete at 90,000 words. It should appeal to readers of Diana Gaboldon [I'd add a few more]. As a registered nurse for the last twenty years, my experience and knowledge has been invaluable in many of medically related scenes.

Enclosed is a synopsis, SASE, and the first three chapters, as requested. [Assuming they were requested!] I would be happy to send you the full manuscript of KEEPER OF THE DREAM for your consideration.

[Sincerely,]

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ANNIE said:

Julie,
Thanks for the suggestions. I have a question though-
SOME DAYS AREN'T WORTH GETTING UP FOR.(WHAT)- did you mean that I should be more specific or that the line was confusing?

Thanks,

Annie

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Take one tortured, dazed, confused man, add an innocent woman who still believes in fairies [This confused me because you don't mention fairies anywhere else in the synopsis. Is Derry a fairy? If so, you need to include that information.] and happily-ever-afters, mix well with a dash of vengeful, psychotic madman and you get a recipe for [redemption], revenge and maybe even salvation.

Kyla O'Shea should have stayed in bed the day she found Derry Brandon beaten and unconscious in her rural, Maine woods. [I would rephrase this. Unless the woods belong to her, they aren't "her rural, Maine woods." Maybe you could say "near her home deep in the woods of rural Maine."] Now she could never go back to the life she once knew. She learns from Derry that humanity has a little over two weeks until it is all but wiped off the face of the Earth. Oh, yeah, he knows this because he is one of the survivors. [Maybe this would be a good time to explain how he travels through time. Is he a supernatural being? Did he invent a time machine?] Derry comes from Kyla's future. Some days just aren't worth getting up for. ["Some days just aren't worth getting up for" seems out of context. Is this the way that Kyla feels? Or Derry? Or the villain?] Pursued through time by a man [How does this man travel through time? Is he also a supernatural being? Did he sell his soul to the devil? Did he steal Derry's time machine?] whose only purpose in life is to make Derry suffer for a crime he never committed, complicated things. [The previous sentence is a little awkward.] The clock is ticking and [humanity's] very existance is all that's at stake. No pressure.

Keeper of the Dream [Italicize titles.] is an approximately 89,000 word [Mention the genre. Is it a supernatural thriller, fantasy, sci-fi? It sounds like fantasy, but you shouldn't make the agent guess.] manuscript that is complete and would appeal to readers of Diana [Gabaldon]. [See her homepage.] As a registered nurse for the last twenty years, my experience and knowledge has been invaluable in many of medicallyrelated scenes. [You don't mention any medical scenes in your synopsis, so this sentence seems out of place.] Enclosed is a synopsis, SASE and the first three chapters, as requested. I would be happy to send you the manuscript in its entirety for your approval. Enclosed is a SASE for your convience. [Delete this sentence and add SASE above. You already have a sentence that begins "Enclosed is a..." in this paragraph.] I am looking forward to hearing from you.

[Sincerely] -

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