How do you write about 'love' without resorting to cliches or tackiness?

Try to avoid describing his "love" directly.

Describe how it affects him--can he not concentrate when she's around? Is he distracted by his imagination? What is he imagining about her? Does he get nervous? How does it show?

Describe what he sees (and senses)--does he smell her perfume? Her hair? Does he notice her eyes? What does he notice about her? Does he like it when she wears her hair a certain way or wears a certain outfit? What does her voice sound like to his ears?

And so on.

I go directly to "tacky. If you are writing things like "a stirring in his loins," I have a real problem with the wording. I think also that here is where "experience" must come in. Have you never had an unrequited love? It dosn't really matter what gender the people are. The feeling of being rejected is not easy. I would feel that he would have a real conflict here. He has to justify his sexual arousal at the sight of a woman who has told him no in action rather than word. Does he feel like a cad? Like a jerk? Like a rapist? Does he dream about her? It could get icky fast, and he could look like a true mouth breathing stalker. You know, like sitting in his car outside her window watching her take off her shirt and stuff like that. Ick.

To me it's about the character. If you're going for cliches you aren't looking into your character's mind closely enough (IMO).

This guy they called Charles, Charlie, watched Francine--Frankie--Reece and thought of Chai tea. That's all he could think about was fucking Chai tea, with vanilla, because it creamed his throat and his stomach all warm just like this. Fucking uncanny.

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Maybe not a great example but go for the weird shit, the real shit, you know? Get in there.

That's not love, it's lust.

DannySherbet said:

Help!

A male character in my novel has an unrequited love for a young woman. It's sexual love he feels, not platonic; however,

Danny.

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Why not just allow him to be miserable? I would just give the reader a good barf bag and hope they keep reading. So the tackiness is not so jarring, you could insert a few tacky things to condition the reader a bit. Your job is to keep them reading till the end. If sex will do it, go there, but don't go without a machete and a bear trap.

Samantha's_Song said:

That's not love, it's lust.

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Damn straight.

Nothing wrong with lust, I was just wondering why the OP was dressing it up as love?

MGraybosch said:

Damn straight.

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Love and lust aren't mutually exclusive, though...and one can often be a manifestation of the other. (i.e., so in love with someone, he needs to be as close to her as possible, physical desire increases, etc)

Also, my understanding of the OP (and I might be mistaken) was that the character doesn't just love her as a friend, in a platonic way, but really loves her.

To answer the OP...in my romances, I don't really write about it, per se...I show it in the characters' actions and interactions. That longing when the person is gone, not being able to concentrate when they're close by, eye contact, physical contact, etc. There will usually come a point when someone says "I love you", but not always. Even if they never actually come out and say it, it's there in the way they look at/speak to/touch each other.

Love, lust, as with everything else in life, is seen differently by each of us, isn't it. For me, for instance, when I was in my late 20's I had an affair with a man and it was purely for the sex. He used to tell me he loved me, but deep down we both knew it wasn't really true, it was just lust and nothing else. I couldn't tell him I loved him, because in my heart I knew I didn't.

We did our days having as much sex as possible, I only had to kiss him and I wanted him to lay me, it was wonderful and was also something that I knew would have never lasted. When we spilt up I missed him terribly, but I didn't miss him for his personality, like I would miss my husband if he wasn't around, I missed this bloke for the sex and nothing but the sex. In fact I think describing how you want someone in the sexy way is much easier, for me anyway, than trying to describe how I love someone in the more spiritual way.

Samantha's_Song said:

Love, lust, as with everything else in life, is seen differently by each of us, isn't it. For me, for instance, when I was in my late 20's I had an affair with a man and it was purely for the sex. He used to tell me he loved me, but deep down we both knew it wasn't really true, it was just lust and nothing else. We did our days having as much sex as possible, I only had to kiss him and I wanted him to lay me, it was wonderful and was also something that I knew would have never lasted. When we spilt up I missed him terribly, but I didn't miss him for his personality, like I would miss my husband if he wasn't around, I missed this bloke for the sex and nothing but the sex. In fact I think describing how you want someone in the sexy way is much easier, for me anyway, than trying to describe how I love someone in the more spiritual way.

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I've experienced relationships like that too...strictly lust. (And good God, they were fun) I've also loved someone but not wanted them physically. For me, when the two worlds meet - love and lust for the same person - they each serve to make the other stronger, and one can be a result of the other (in a chicken/egg kind of way, I suppose).

Emotions are funny things, aren't they?

Yep, emotions are certainly funny things, well, more like strange things, hard to put into words most of the time.

For sex, I'm quite easily pleased that way; I know what I like and what I don't. And I'm a natural sexy and dirty old bag anyway, so I'm never left disappointed, as love, as with sex, is a state of mind.

Samantha's_Song said:

That's not love, it's lust.

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Why do you say that? Because it's unrequited, or because the OP called it sexual love?

I don't know why it being unrequited would keep it from being love. As for the latter, it was just to differentiate it from a platonic love between friends.

I had this kind of conversation on here, a few posts up, with Lori. But I'll do it more simply this time, and it's my opinion, nothing more.

Sexual love - Lust.
Spiritual love - Love - what I class as real love.

kuwisdelu said:

Why do you say that? Because it's unrequited, or because the OP called it sexual love?

I don't know why it being unrequited would keep it from being love. As for the latter, it was just to differentiate it from a platonic love between friends.

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Ah. Semantics then.

*shrug*

Lust and sexual love are different to me.

As are platonic love and spiritual love.

Calling something "real" love seems to rule out of lot of other legitimate versions of love to me, is all.

Yes, I worded that wrong, I was in a hurry and didn't look for a better and more apt word. There's lots of different kinds of real love, but wanting someone's body and loving them for their personality isn't the same thing to me. Even though I'm married, I still see the love me and my husband have together and the sex as two different things. The love is a spiritual need, the sex is a physical one, that's how I've always looked at it and always will.

I don't know why it being unrequited would keep it from being love.

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The problem with unrequited love is that it's often mere infatuation. I'm talking about unrequited love in the pining from afar scenario, not so much about unrequited love in asymmetrical relationships, where there actually is some kind of intimacy already, only one person is a lot more attached than the other, which is way more tragic - but even in these case there's a high danger of it being mere infatuation. People often underestimate how little they know each other. We make up an image of someone and then just run with it, and don't allow us to get distracted by evidence pointing to the contrary. We cannot see people for what they are becaused we are blinded by the images we've created of them. Love is seing the other for what they are and embracing that. But in order for someone to let you see them for what they are, they need to allow you to get already pretty close.

I know there are various notions of love and I don't want to dismiss any, but I always find it so hard to graps how someone could love a person without even knowing them. When you are only pining for someone from afar, you don't really know that person, you're not close enough. This kind of infatuation is often more about the person who loves than the person who is loved - the "beloved" exists mainly as a fantasy to project things onto, not as a real person in the world of the infatued one.

Infatuation is necessarily shallow, not because it's merely physical (because it often isn't; it might be even more spirtual than anything else), but because it's so solipsistic. Love always involves two people, although it's rarely completly mutual (someone tends to love more), it cannot be completly one-sided either. Love (in my mind) requires intimate knowledge. It's what is developed in the course of a relationships, not what starts it (that's attraction, desire, the hope for compatibility).

If you pine from afar, you don't love a person, you love an idea (often the idea of love). That's some kind of love too, but personally I value it less than the interpersonal variety.

I know people who do not think a "real" relationship exists without the physical component. There is nothing weird about characters doing sexual things to each other as long as it is a part of the story.

I agree with the solopsism of infatuation. I was thinking of writing a song with that title, but I can not find anything that rhymes.

DannySherbet said:

A common scenario, I'm sure, in real life and in literature, but how do you describe feelings of love without resorting to cliches ("he felt butterflies in his stomach and a stirring in his loins") or just general tackiness that makes the reader want to puke?

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Instead of telling the reader about his feelings, describe how they affect his life. Maybe he can't sleep now for wanting her touch. Maybe his appetite has gone to hell. Maybe he can't concentrate at work.

Now, the following is going to be crude. Sorry, ladies: Maybe he's screwing other women, just using them, in the hope that slipping into real and accessible pussy will help him shake off the desire for the inaccessible pussy that probably isn't as sweet as his imagination and desires have built it up to be.

Sorry, ladies: Maybe he's screwing other women, just using them, in the hope that slipping into real and accessible pussy will help him shake off the desire for the inaccessible pussy that probably isn't as sweet as his imagination and desires have built it up to be.

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Surely no woman would ever think of that.

MGraybosch said:

Now, the following is going to be crude. Sorry, ladies: Maybe he's screwing other women, just using them, in the hope that slipping into real and accessible pussy will help him shake off the desire for the inaccessible pussy that probably isn't as sweet as his imagination and desires have built it up to be.

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Eh, women do that, too, only replace 'pussy' with 'cock'. I've done it. And in my current WIP, both my MC's (one male, one female) do it. (They have issues with the whole love thing).

Anyway, I agree with the advice to show how the character is affected; what problems does this love cause in his life?

Describe how it changes him. How was it for him before? How was it for him after? How does that relate to his ruling passions? How does it relate to his goals and methods?

Sometimes being blunt is better than trying to dress up the character's thoughts with fancy words. If you must describe his thoughts, then make it honest and to the point. Dont ever word anything fancy on purpose, because it will sound corny. Or, say nothing at all about what he thinks, let action and dialogue show everything. (nervousness, attention to her, reaction after she leaves)

Well, to me, Love means you have permission to throw a person into the wall and destroy them. I have never known love to be anything other than violent-- so I stay away from it and make fun of it. Perhaps that is why I don't see it as sacred. I've avoided falling in love because I don't want to wake up with a black eye. I certainly would not like to have "love" anywhere near. I mean, if I actually loved someone, I would never let them know. Friendship, trust are the same-- lies all lies and very pretty convincing rhetoracal figures, but I have never really seen them.

DannySherbet said:

Help!
A common scenario, I'm sure, in real life and in literature, but how do you describe feelings of love without resorting to cliches ("he felt butterflies in his stomach and a stirring in his loins") or just general tackiness that makes the reader want to puke?

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Not going to get into the luv/lust debate. If you want physical alternatives... here's a couple 'stirring loins' alternatives that I've just used, I wouldn't mind feedback. I'm trying to show the man's sexual attraction to a woman that he's speaking to.

So what do you think? Please be gentle.