Anyone else have this problem? Moving, losing your "flow"?

Hip-Hop-a-potamus · Dec 3, 2009

So I had started two novels this summer. I was able to drift back and forth and either work on one or the other, depending on my mood. I was making good progress on both. One took place around the Finger Lakes, NY about 1916, and the other in the late 1950s/early 60s Chicago suburbs. I was living in Milwaukee, made visits to Chicago when I could, and had driven to NY from Milwaukee this past June (I actually got both of the ideas from studying old microfilm at local libraries).

I was firing on all cylinders, going great guns, and due to being unemployed, was able to spend loads of time writing and researching to my heart's content. I felt CONNECTED to the stories, and to the areas where they occurred. I could VISUALIZE what I was writing, and they just flowed.

Due to financial hardship (and being lucky enough to be married to a Canadian- normally I love it up here), I recently moved north at the end of October. #1, I had to take a HUGE break from writing to get all our stuff packed and inventoried, there was the move itself (5 days driving across the Midwest from Milwaukee to Coutts, Alberta), and then getting all our documentation and new Canadian IDs, healthcare, etc.

We are staying with my mother and father-in-law, literally in the wilds of Alberta, far away from all my locales, and although I'm trying to get the flow back, I'm just not. The in-laws are constant distractions; I have to stay in our room just to be able to think. I have no car to even be able to go into Edmonton to a coffeehouse to brainstorm, which is my favorite way of relaxing and thinking.

I've started a new novel here documenting the situation (a modern day work about a woman in my situation who grows to hate her in-laws); I work on it when I'm frustrated, but it doesn't have the wonderful vibes my other two had.

Has anyone else experienced such a drastic change, and how did you get your mojo back?

Libbie · Dec 3, 2009

Yes, I've moved quite a bit during the past year. It's been hard to keep the momentum up. I actually ended up discovering that sticking to my daily writing routine and working on only one project at a time alleviated the strain. After some sticky starts, I got back into it and finished and revised a book this year.

I suggest you don't just work when you're frustrated. Work every day, at the same time of day, for the same length of time. Every day.

It'll come back pretty quickly, once you start disciplining yourself.

Hip-Hop-a-potamus · Dec 3, 2009

Libbie said:
Yes, I've moved quite a bit during the past year. It's been hard to keep the momentum up. I actually ended up discovering that sticking to my daily writing routine and working on only one project at a time alleviated the strain. After some sticky starts, I got back into it and finished and revised a book this year.

I suggest you don't just work when you're frustrated. Work every day, at the same time of day, for the same length of time. Every day.

It'll come back pretty quickly, once you start disciplining yourself.

Thanks.

It's actually HARDER for me to write when I'm frustrated (which is almost all the time lately, LOL). That's only been when I'm jotting down thoughts on the newest project as ideas for when it does gel a bit.

But you're right. Discipline is key. I've got an entire winter to get my proverbial shit together. I need to look at websites that make me think of my happy places so I can concentrate on that area; I've also found that listening to music from the time periods in question can also help.

lucidzfl · Dec 3, 2009

I'm no one to talk, that's for sure. I've had serious bouts of nonwriting.

What I've done is stopped caring if what I write is fantastic or not. Just writing something is better than nothing and gets me back in the flow. I wrote a chapter last night and my wife was like, you going to keep that? I just said, I have no idea, but at least it got me thinking about my character again.

bearilou · Dec 3, 2009

OMG are you me? Different location (Georgia) but the same things happened to me. We ended up in the house with my partner's family.

I am an early riser and do my best writing in the morning. My MiL was also an early riser so there was never a time when I had the non-distractions or even have any private time to myself (showers and going to bed to sleep were the only times I had). There was also the BiL and his wife as well as their 5 year old son also living there.

Honestly, I finally gave up trying to get any writing done until we were able to move into our own house. Even though we are now settled, we are within easy walking distance of my inlaws, I can't seem to escape them. They show up without warning and stay long past any time considered polite. It seems it is now favorable to camp out at my place than to stay in theirs.

Thankfully, I do have my own car and I can escape to a bookstore to get any peace and quiet to actually accomplish any degree of writing. However I am a bit resentful of having to 'leave' to write because I co-opted a room in the house as my office but no one seems to respect my need for no distractions in this space that is supposed to be mine. Even, especially when I have been quite clear, plain and consistent in saying so. I might as well not have said anything for all the good it does.

blarg. I feel your pain in a big way.

kpdelaney · Dec 3, 2009

I find my flow comes in waves but I try not to let a dry spell go for too long. Change in life definitely plays havoc with flow. I'd be interested to hear about the Finger Lakes novel I live near by and it's an excellent place if you like white wine.

Hip-Hop-a-potamus · Dec 3, 2009

kpdelaney said:
I find my flow comes in waves but I try not to let a dry spell go for too long. Change in life definitely plays havoc with flow. I'd be interested to hear about the Finger Lakes novel I live near by and it's an excellent place if you like white wine.

I fell in love with it there. Stayed ini Trumansburg for a few days, and had spent time in Newfield with the town historian a few years ago. I SO wanted to go visit some wineries, but I'm SO intent on getting my genealogy done too, that it was difficult to squeeze everything in. I DID finally get to see Taughannock Falls this visit, though, so YAY!

I stumbled across a story in the Ithaca paper that occurred about WWI era of a couple involved in a botched abortion, and it fascinated me. It didn't even occur in the area, but because I found it there I began putting thoughts together of Finger Lakes scenery and locales, and combining quirky stuff I'd found researching genealogy with purely made up items. It was one of those ideas that would make me wake in the middle of the night and scribble down whatever occurred to me, and I've never been that inspired before. I even contacted a local real estate agent to get her ideas on if I had a wealthy family living in an Italianate house in town, where I should locate it?

Hip-Hop-a-potamus · Dec 3, 2009

bearilou said:
OMG are you me? Different location (Georgia) but the same things happened to me. We ended up in the house with my partner's family.

I am an early riser and do my best writing in the morning. My MiL was also an early riser so there was never a time when I had the non-distractions or even have any private time to myself (showers and going to bed to sleep were the only times I had). There was also the BiL and his wife as well as their 5 year old son also living there.

Honestly, I finally gave up trying to get any writing done until we were able to move into our own house. Even though we are now settled, we are within easy walking distance of my inlaws, I can't seem to escape them. They show up without warning and stay long past any time considered polite. It seems it is now favorable to camp out at my place than to stay in theirs.

Thankfully, I do have my own car and I can escape to a bookstore to get any peace and quiet to actually accomplish any degree of writing. However I am a bit resentful of having to 'leave' to write because I co-opted a room in the house as my office but no one seems to respect my need for no distractions in this space that is supposed to be mine. Even, especially when I have been quite clear, plain and consistent in saying so. I might as well not have said anything for all the good it does.

blarg. I feel your pain in a big way.

GOD, you don't know how big a relief it was to read that!! I don't want to give up completely. I DON'T. But GOD it's hard.

My main problem is the fact that I hate loud noises. I have MS, so it's actually painful for me to hear some of the noise they create. They're hard of hearing, so when they do the dishes (no dishwasher), they can't just set a pot down or softly close a cabinet door. They SLAM the pots down over and over again, and SLAM cabinets. We set my desk up in the living room right under the little bar for the kitchen, and they CONSTANTLY have talk radio on (LOUD-- and the kind of stuff that personally offends me and causes my blood pressure to skyrocket), so I darenot use my desktop computer very often. I stay on my laptop in our room so I can concentrate, at least.

And it's hard to keep to a regular schedule, because I can never tell when they'll be up and about or when they'll be around so I have quiet time.

My husband doesn't want me to talk to them to address the problem, but he rarely does either. I know he doesn't want to cause friction, but GEEZ! I consider myself pretty easy to live with. I just want to be left alone and I like quiet. I LIVE for the times when they go play bridge or go to the seniors center or whatever else they do. My MIL gets cranky when dishes aren't done or whatever, but the easiest way to get me NOT to do something is to make an announcement to me that it needs doing. I'll promptly cross my arms, lean back, and not move a muscle. THAT pisses me off, and was the reason I moved out of my mom's years ago. I'm 43 years old. Do NOT tell me what to do.

Rushie · Dec 3, 2009

Oh I hear you big time. I seem to require huge blocks of undisturbed time to really create well. I'm talking about days alone in the house with husband gone out of town and me not required to go anywhere at all for anything. Only then do I really "get in the flow" and I don't mean I'm writing for all that time, I may only write two hours a day but I seem to need the frame of all that "space" around me to gather my thoughts and sink into the mood and the story.

I realize that this is a big problem. I need to "learn" how to fit writing around all the rest of my life. But I'm a hermit at heart. It stresses me to go out, and to be interrupted. The past six months have been a HUGE problem, first my BIL died, then I got his house and had to fix it up and sell it, then my daughter got cancer, then my elderly mother got diagnosed with a severe illness. It's been constant phone calls, researching cancer, dealing with house sale, planning what to do with Mom, just impossible for me to be "in the flow". Yet I still managed to do NaNoWriMo. The only way I did it was to just write NOT in the flow and let it be horrid sh!t. However, that was getting past the biggest hump, now I think it will be downhill and much easier to revise, revise and polish.

I guess the lesson for me is that an externally imposed deadline forcing me to not be perfect is probably mandatory or I'm not going to produce. I'm going to see if I can use NaNoWriMo that way; I will make revising and submitting this novel a deadline to get done by the summer, then use September and October to write the outline for 2010 NaNoWriMo. A novel a year, I really think this is the only way it's going to happen for me.

Except now my husband has announced we are going to sell our house in 2010 and move to the mountains to retire. Not only is it blowing my whole plan, I can't tell you how much I dread having him underfoot all day every day. Bless him now I love my husband to pieces he is my life, my heart and my soul and my best friend. But I can't write with him around! My only hope is that he will get in the habit of spending all day in his woodworking shop.

I accidentally hit submit instead of preview, I meant to add, in your case, I really think it is mandatory you get out from under them. Even if it means you have to get a single wide trailer and stick it on the land, you and your husband NEED your own territory. He is right, talking to them will cause friction, I would just nicely and politely make serious plans to get away from them.

Edit again: I hear you with the loud noises! I am startled so easily. I'm going half deaf now and I don't hear people (or dogs) "sneak" up on me, suddenly they materialize and I scream and hit the ceiling. With the heart racing and all it takes me 15 minutes to calm down enough to write again. Seriously you are going to have to make a change, if I lived with my in-laws it would be all I could do to keep from hanging myself much less be able to write anything.

Kalyke · Dec 3, 2009

Just keep plugging away. I lost my home, job, was forced to move etc, and empathise with your plight. I went through about a year and a half of ignoring my work-- now I am working on it again, trying to get it done.

I also think you need to stop fighting the facts that these are rough economic times and you have been "hit hard." You have been allowed to live in someone else's house, and certainly you need to be helping out (working for free) as well as trying to get some money for your family. You need to get and stick with a writing schedual
even if you start another book. Its been pointed out to me over and over that 1000 words a day is not difficult. As a writer, you should be able to write under all sorts of adverse circumstances, being without your "background" is sometimes what you need.

NeuroFizz · Dec 3, 2009

We all have to make adjustments in our writing due to life events--some physical, some family related, some employment related, etc. And there are times when writing just can't be at the top of our priority list. However...

Writers either make a specific schedule that includes writing time or they write when they can--they squeeze in time when a window appears

Writers don't have to be "inspired" to write. Once a story has germinated, there will be times of inspried writing, times of extremely difficult writing, and (mostly) times of something in between. Despite all of this, writers continue to write toward the important goal of finishing the project.

Writers find ways to minimize distractions or they learn to deal with them and still get some writing done.

Writers finish what they start. A story isn't a story until it is complete.

To the OP, people here have had challenges equal to yours. I have had my share. And I know the health issues present a unique challenge (so sorry to hear about it). It's tough. It's frustrating. But the choices are two-fold. Be miserable or do something about it. But if you have to do something about finding time to write AND you have to wait for "writing inspiration" you may have extreme difficulty getting any words on paper.

How about if you pick one of your projects and get it done. Work it through. One symptom of a writer who jumps from one project to another but finshes none is he/she claims he/she can only write when the "inspiration" hits him/her. Sorry, but for many new writers, that's a recipe for avoiding development of the necessary self-discipline to finish projects. Hopefully that doesn't describe you, and your solution will just require time and some (unpleasant?) arrangements/agreements with the people who create the distractions. Good luck with it.

Libbie · Dec 3, 2009

lucidzfl said:
I'm no one to talk, that's for sure. I've had serious bouts of nonwriting.

What I've done is stopped caring if what I write is fantastic or not. Just writing something is better than nothing and gets me back in the flow. I wrote a chapter last night and my wife was like, you going to keep that? I just said, I have no idea, but at least it got me thinking about my character again.

This, too.

Can you get away and find a little cafe or somewhere to sit and write where it's quiet? You said you have MS -- are you able to drive yourself around?

If not, do noise-canceling headphones work for you? Maybe Santa needs to bring you some.

Hip-Hop-a-potamus · Dec 3, 2009

Use Her Name said:
Just keep plugging away. I lost my home, job, was forced to move etc, and empathise with your plight. I went through about a year and a half of ignoring my work-- now I am working on it again, trying to get it done.

I also think you need to stop fighting the facts that these are rough economic times and you have been "hit hard." You have been allowed to live in someone else's house, and certainly you need to be helping out (working for free) as well as trying to get some money for your family. You need to get and stick with a writing schedual
even if you start another book. Its been pointed out to me over and over that 1000 words a day is not difficult. As a writer, you should be able to write under all sorts of adverse circumstances, being without your "background" is sometimes what you need.

Now, hold on. I didn't say I'm not appreciative because I am. I didn't say I don't help out, because I do. I cook dinner, and I do clean. And I'm happy to when it's not being announced to me WHEN I'm going to do things. ("You need to get these out of here.") I have my bad days with this illness, and if I feel bad, I'll rest. If I feel like writing, I will. I just don't want someone else's AGENDA imposed on me for WHEN I'm expected to do it. At home, I was a binge and purge housekeeper. That's how I work.

I don't want a damned audience for my cleaning either, because I'm usually critiqued for the way I wash the dishes. If you get home and they're done, well you're welcome. But don't expect me to let dishes sit for an hour or two in disgusting, tepid, well water. I'll make a big sinkful of hot, then rinse them in cold. Don't like it? Wash your own damned dishes.

Sorry, sore subject.

Rushie · Dec 3, 2009

Yup, NeuroFizz you are very wise. A big part of it for me with NaNo was learning that I can and must write even when not feeling inspired. It moves the work forward even if in an ugly way, it still moves it forward.

Hip-Hop-a-potamus · Dec 3, 2009

NeuroFizz said:
We all have to make adjustments in our writing due to life events--some physical, some family related, some employment related, etc. And there are times when writing just can't be at the top of our priority list. However...

Writers either make a specific schedule that includes writing time or they write when they can--they squeeze in time when a window appears

Writers don't have to be "inspired" to write. Once a story has germinated, there will be times of inspried writing, times of extremely difficult writing, and (mostly) times of something in between. Despite all of this, writers continue to write toward the important goal of finishing the project.

Writers find ways to minimize distractions or they learn to deal with them and still get some writing done.

Writers finish what they start. A story isn't a story until it is complete.

To the OP, people here have had challenges equal to yours. I have had my share. And I know the health issues present a unique challenge (so sorry to hear about it). It's tough. It's frustrating. But the choices are two-fold. Be miserable or do something about it. But if you have to do something about finding time to write AND you have to wait for "writing inspiration" you may have extreme difficulty getting any words on paper.

How about if you pick one of your projects and get it done. Work it through. One symptom of a writer who jumps from one project to another but finshes none is he/she claims he/she can only write when the "inspiration" hits him/her. Sorry, but for many new writers, that's a recipe for avoiding development of the necessary self-discipline to finish projects. Hopefully that doesn't describe you, and your solution will just require time and some (unpleasant?) arrangements/agreements with the people who create the distractions. Good luck with it.

Thanks. And you're right. The truth hurts!

(And it's why I'm not published yet!)

Hip-Hop-a-potamus · Dec 3, 2009

Libbie said:
This, too.

Can you get away and find a little cafe or somewhere to sit and write where it's quiet? You said you have MS -- are you able to drive yourself around?

If not, do noise-canceling headphones work for you? Maybe Santa needs to bring you some.

See, that's my usual modus operandi, which I love. Cafes, coffeehouses, etc provide the creative, happy place that I thrive in. I'm a city girl. But maybe the new rural environment will give me some ideas (I hope).

I'm very lucky in that I'm still very mobile and pretty healthy. I'm able to drive fine, but my husband takes our one car into Edmonton every day to work, so I'm stuck here (we had to sell the second one before we moved up because we didn't have clear title to it to cross the border, sadly).

But the noise canceling headphones are a GREAT idea. I'll see if I can talk Santa into some.

bearilou · Dec 3, 2009

NeuroFizz said:
Writers either make a specific schedule that includes writing time or they write when they can--they squeeze in time when a window appears

As difficult as it appears on the surface, this is really the way to go. If I wait for 'inspiration to strike', I'd still be waiting.

I finally caved and resolved I'd write 1000 a day. Good, bad, inspired, pulled-like-wisdom-teeth, with chaos whirling around me or in those blessed lulls in the storms...1000 a day.

Sometimes I do. Sometimes, despite the house falling around my ears, I get more! Sometimes, when desparing about our mouse problem, I only get half that.

But I do it. Every day. And when I physically can't write, I have my handy-dandy notebook to jot down notes as they come to me, since I'm always thinking about my WIP while I act like I'm interested in the conversation around me, doing housework or with the tv blaring in the background and I'm ready to shove someone's head through it.

Once I'm in a place (usually during my hard-earned carved out space of writing and withering bitchy looks when someone interrupts me), I add/write on that, putting them in where they best fit.

Slowly and surely, a story has taken shape, despite the emotional maelstrom swirling around me. Funnily enough, setting up a routine of writing and making every possible effort to stick to it, inspiration strikes more often than not.

Good luck to you! We're all pulling for you to find your stride again.

bearilou · Dec 3, 2009

Hip-Hop-a-potamus said:
But the noise canceling headphones are a GREAT idea. I'll see if I can talk Santa into some.

ZOMG THIS. If I had to live without my Bose headphones...it would be an ugly day, indeed.

scarletpeaches · Dec 3, 2009

Hip-Hop-a-potamus said:
So I had started two novels this summer. I was able to drift back and forth and either work on one or the other, depending on my mood.

The trick is to write in spite of your mood, not according to it.

And speak to tt42 about writing on the move. She emigrated to another continent last year and still won NaNo in less than a week.

scarletpeaches · Dec 3, 2009

NeuroFizz said:
...One symptom of a writer who jumps from one project to another but finshes none is he/she claims he/she can only write when the "inspiration" hits him/her. Sorry, but for many new writers, that's a recipe for avoiding development of the necessary self-discipline to finish projects...

This, this, a thousand times this.

Writing in spite of your mood, not according to it, is training. It's self-discipline. And it's the only thing that gets you to 'the end'.

year90ninezero · Dec 3, 2009

In addition to what others have said, I have to recommend you move back to Milwaukee when your finances allow.

It's the only place I've ever been able to write in. Okay, that was not helpful.

Hip-Hop-a-potamus · Dec 3, 2009

year90ninezero said:
In addition to what others have said, I have to recommend you move back to Milwaukee when your finances allow.

It's the only place I've ever been able to write in. Okay, that was not helpful.

:rofl:

Not helpful, but funny! Thanks! Wish I could. Until I get published, I have to work, and unfortunately, the jobs were spare as hen's teeth there.

Hip-Hop-a-potamus · Dec 3, 2009

bearilou said:
As difficult as it appears on the surface, this is really the way to go. If I wait for 'inspiration to strike', I'd still be waiting.

I finally caved and resolved I'd write 1000 a day. Good, bad, inspired, pulled-like-wisdom-teeth, with chaos whirling around me or in those blessed lulls in the storms...1000 a day.

Sometimes I do. Sometimes, despite the house falling around my ears, I get more! Sometimes, when desparing about our mouse problem, I only get half that.

But I do it. Every day. And when I physically can't write, I have my handy-dandy notebook to jot down notes as they come to me, since I'm always thinking about my WIP while I act like I'm interested in the conversation around me, doing housework or with the tv blaring in the background and I'm ready to shove someone's head through it.

Once I'm in a place (usually during my hard-earned carved out space of writing and withering bitchy looks when someone interrupts me), I add/write on that, putting them in where they best fit.

Slowly and surely, a story has taken shape, despite the emotional maelstrom swirling around me. Funnily enough, setting up a routine of writing and making every possible effort to stick to it, inspiration strikes more often than not.

Good luck to you! We're all pulling for you to find your stride again.

You're my idol. :Hug2:

Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks to some of the quick pats on the back here, I've been working on a DETAILED outline this morning to the Chicago one. Will write more here in a bit. REGARDLESS.

Rushie · Dec 3, 2009

Hip-Hop-a-potamus said:
Now, hold on. I didn't say I'm not appreciative because I am. I didn't say I don't help out, because I do. I cook dinner, and I do clean. And I'm happy to when it's not being announced to me WHEN I'm going to do things. ("You need to get these out of here.") I have my bad days with this illness, and if I feel bad, I'll rest. If I feel like writing, I will. I just don't want someone else's AGENDA imposed on me for WHEN I'm expected to do it. At home, I was a binge and purge housekeeper. That's how I work.

I don't want a damned audience for my cleaning either, because I'm usually critiqued for the way I wash the dishes. If you get home and they're done, well you're welcome. But don't expect me to let dishes sit for an hour or two in disgusting, tepid, well water. I'll make a big sinkful of hot, then rinse them in cold. Don't like it? Wash your own damned dishes.

Sorry, sore subject.

I hear ya but I don't think Use Her Name meant it that way. MS is one of those diseases where you might not look as sick as you feel. I have a severe chronic pain condition and house chores are a sore subject for me too. The binge purge is what you have to do; do it when you have the energy. When you don't, you look like you're sitting on your lazy butt but in reality you CAN'T do it. Other people tend to unconsciously assume you don't feel any worse than they do. But with "invisible" conditions that is simply untrue. Even if you have visible items such as a walker or wheelchair, people do not really get it.

Over time I've had to learn how to communicate my physical disabilities to family members. MS causes FATIGUE. You are physically unable to push your muscles beyond a certain point when the nerves serving them flair. Your doctor (when you get to see him) might be able to formulate some way to articulate and quantify your abilities.

We with chronic, systemic diseases seem to underestimate the effects on our activities, and allow other people to overestimate what we can comfortably do. This leads to the tension of them expecting more from us and us feeling defensive about not doing it. It is very important that people with chronic physical disease which is not apparent to others, be clear in their own mind, without self-recrimination, when to draw the line. Then, hopefully you can communicate that line without ambiguity. I think it is imperative you get your husband on the same page first, then let him be your advocate. People with systemic disabling disease do best when able to pace their activity and manage their own timeframes for doing things.

Think about your limitations in detail, by yourself if you can't see the doctor, and how they impact you. "MS brain", shoulder and arm fatigue, trouble standing for long periods, simple lack of energy (be honest - remaining a couch potato itself causes lack of energy, but with MS, you have a big and real disease factor there). Think about what you CAN do to contribute, and what you need from the family to help you do it. It sounds like things are disorganized with unclear expectations. "You need to get these out of here," cannot fly with you. But they say such things out of their frustration and uncertainty about when "these" are going to get out of their way.

My response to something like that will be: "Yes, I see they're in the way. My thigh muscles are too weak right now to handle it, but if you help me we can both get them out right now. Otherwise, I might be able to do it tomorrow morning after the night's rest." No emotion except a pleasant smile. Agree with their problem. Agree to help them with their problem. Draw your exact physical disability line in the sand. Factual and straightforward, not apologetically, not confrontationally, just a fact - the thigh muscle just won't do it, dangum thing just won't cooperate.

As I said before, you really need to get away from them, but if you cannot financially right now, I would try to sort out, with no emotion - whatever these lines in the sand are for you. Talk it over with your husband, again, with no emotion. Stick to the discussion of your boundaries; do not generalize about how they're driving you nuts. Tell him that you agree with him that it is right not to cause friction with them, and that you need his help to find ways to REDUCE friction. One of those ways is going to be for him to back you up when you set your physical limitation.

Secondly, there is always friction when two people try to do the same chore. Soaking dishes vs hot wash and rinse. Sometimes it is best to completely take over a chore rather than try to work it around somebody else's way. Personally, if it is my kitchen, I want to do the dishes; I do not want or appreciate anybody else in there at all, because they always do it wrong. That is probably the sort of place your mother in law is coming from with the hovering over you critiquing how you're doing it. She wants you to do the work but she wants you to do it her way. I have learned to LEAVE when someone else is in my kitchen "helping" and doing it wrong. If I want the help, then I need to get over the fact they aren't doing it right. I can't have it both ways. (And I'm wise enough to see that there really is no "right" or "wrong" way to do dishes; as long as they get clean.) On the other side, when I'm the one doing the dishes and the kitchen-owner is hovering (my mother), telling me I'm doing it all wrong, I have learned to say, "Mom, please go sit in the living room and watch your show, really, I'm fine here, I will get it done faster if you go enjoy yourself." Don't know if that will work for you but worth a shot. Frame it as concern for HER relaxation rather than "get the hell off my back," ha ha ha.

The other issue is your need for alone time, away from their radio and so forth. This is a general privacy and peace of the home issue that might not be possible in the spaces you occupy with them. The best you might be able to do is to make your husband understand that you need SOME type of break SOME time, whether he drops you off at the library for a day, or lets you drop him off at work so you can have the car, or just a date out just the two of you. It might not be possible to gain much long writing time until you get into a better living situation. But it might benefit your husband to be reminded that the more your mood can be improved, the more pleasant HIS life will be.

The head thing (whether it is MS brain, or fatigue or whatever) is a real and major impediment and it is very poorly understood, even by doctors and patients, much less by general people. And it is NOT "mental", it is real, organic dysfunction caused by demyelination or inflammation in the case of autoimmune illnesses. I think that is behind a whole lot of the need for peace and quiet in both our cases. People are generally clueless about these real difficulties we chronically ill with autoimmune disease must endure. The worst is when we feel accused of "using" our disease to "get out of" doing stuff.

Hip-Hop-a-potamus · Dec 3, 2009

Rushie said:
I hear ya but I don't think Use Her Name meant it that way. MS is one of those diseases where you might not look as sick as you feel. I have a severe chronic pain condition and house chores are a sore subject for me too. The binge purge is what you have to do; do it when you have the energy. When you don't, you look like you're sitting on your lazy butt but in reality you CAN'T do it. Other people tend to unconsciously assume you don't feel any worse than they do. But with "invisible" conditions that is simply untrue. Even if you have visible items such as a walker or wheelchair, people do not really get it.

Over time I've had to learn how to communicate my physical disabilities to family members. MS causes FATIGUE. You are physically unable to push your muscles beyond a certain point when the nerves serving them flair. Your doctor (when you get to see him) might be able to formulate some way to articulate and quantify your abilities.

We with chronic, systemic diseases seem to underestimate the effects on our activities, and allow other people to overestimate what we can comfortably do. This leads to the tension of them expecting more from us and us feeling defensive about not doing it. It is very important that people with chronic physical disease which is not apparent to others, be clear in their own mind, without self-recrimination, when to draw the line. Then, hopefully you can communicate that line without ambiguity. I think it is imperative you get your husband on the same page first, then let him be your advocate. People with systemic disabling disease do best when able to pace their activity and manage their own timeframes for doing things.

Think about your limitations in detail, by yourself if you can't see the doctor, and how they impact you. "MS brain", shoulder and arm fatigue, trouble standing for long periods, simple lack of energy (be honest - remaining a couch potato itself causes lack of energy, but with MS, you have a big and real disease factor there). Think about what you CAN do to contribute, and what you need from the family to help you do it. It sounds like things are disorganized with unclear expectations. "You need to get these out of here," cannot fly with you. But they say such things out of their frustration and uncertainty about when "these" are going to get out of their way.

My response to something like that will be: "Yes, I see they're in the way. My thigh muscles are too weak right now to handle it, but if you help me we can both get them out right now. Otherwise, I might be able to do it tomorrow morning after the night's rest." No emotion except a pleasant smile. Agree with their problem. Agree to help them with their problem. Draw your exact physical disability line in the sand. Factual and straightforward, not apologetically, not confrontationally, just a fact - the thigh muscle just won't do it, dangum thing just won't cooperate.

As I said before, you really need to get away from them, but if you cannot financially right now, I would try to sort out, with no emotion - whatever these lines in the sand are for you. Talk it over with your husband, again, with no emotion. Stick to the discussion of your boundaries; do not generalize about how they're driving you nuts. Tell him that you agree with him that it is right not to cause friction with them, and that you need his help to find ways to REDUCE friction. One of those ways is going to be for him to back you up when you set your physical limitation.

Secondly, there is always friction when two people try to do the same chore. Soaking dishes vs hot wash and rinse. Sometimes it is best to completely take over a chore rather than try to work it around somebody else's way. Personally, if it is my kitchen, I want to do the dishes; I do not want or appreciate anybody else in there at all, because they always do it wrong. That is probably the sort of place your mother in law is coming from with the hovering over you critiquing how you're doing it. She wants you to do the work but she wants you to do it her way. I have learned to LEAVE when someone else is in my kitchen "helping" and doing it wrong. If I want the help, then I need to get over the fact they aren't doing it right. I can't have it both ways. (And I'm wise enough to see that there really is no "right" or "wrong" way to do dishes; as long as they get clean.) On the other side, when I'm the one doing the dishes and the kitchen-owner is hovering (my mother), telling me I'm doing it all wrong, I have learned to say, "Mom, please go sit in the living room and watch your show, really, I'm fine here, I will get it done faster if you go enjoy yourself." Don't know if that will work for you but worth a shot. Frame it as concern for HER relaxation rather than "get the hell off my back," ha ha ha.

The other issue is your need for alone time, away from their radio and so forth. This is a general privacy and peace of the home issue that might not be possible in the spaces you occupy with them. The best you might be able to do is to make your husband understand that you need SOME type of break SOME time, whether he drops you off at the library for a day, or lets you drop him off at work so you can have the car, or just a date out just the two of you. It might not be possible to gain much long writing time until you get into a better living situation. But it might benefit your husband to be reminded that the more your mood can be improved, the more pleasant HIS life will be.

The head thing (whether it is MS brain, or fatigue or whatever) is a real and major impediment and it is very poorly understood, even by doctors and patients, much less by general people. And it is NOT "mental", it is real, organic dysfunction caused by demyelination or inflammation in the case of autoimmune illnesses. I think that is behind a whole lot of the need for peace and quiet in both our cases. People are generally clueless about these real difficulties we chronically ill with autoimmune disease must endure. The worst is when we feel accused of "using" our disease to "get out of" doing stuff.

Thanks, Rushie. That means a lot.

Mostly just fatigue here, and severe dizziness. I've told the hubby I need to get out of the house once in awhile. Mostly, he's been taking me to the Provincial Archives on Saturdays to do research, and we grab a bite afterward, which is OK.

But yeah, it would be nice if we could set some ground rules. I've tried explaining to them what it's like when I have a bad day (like lying on the bed feeling REALLY drunk, with waves of dizziness washing over you). On bad days, I'm just "sick" they say. Oy.

She bought two BAGS of cabbages a few weeks ago. Anyone ever try to do ANYTHING while cabbage is being cooked? It smelled like something died in here, and it seeped into EVERYTHING. My eyes were watering, and I about barfed. Seriously. I took the car into the city, and I told husband that if he tried to argue with me, he'd be flying across the hood of the car.

So that led to him suggesting to her that perhaps I do more of the cooking. Only now she wants me to cook ALL the time. In trying to be gentle on his mother, he only made it harder for me. Gahhhh....

Anyone else have this problem? Moving, losing your "flow"?

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