Rethinking the end of my short story

Lyra Jean · Nov 16, 2009

So my short story, Broken Trust, it's in SYW but I can't find it right now. I'm not even sure if it's before I made changes to or if it's in the form I sent out. Anyways, I'm thinking I'm not going dark enough. I'm thinking a title change too.

Here's the scenario, my MC doesn't get along with someone else. They are of different classes and this is maybe 50 to 100 years after a civil war aboard a colony starship. So emotions still tend run high even though there is peace.

My MC decides to play a prank on the person he is arguing with to bring her off his high horse. Instead of a simple trip and fall where she spills her lunch all over herself she gets seriously injured and dies as a result. He gets the prank idea from his Earth studies class when his teacher shows a Three Stooges film. Yes they are children and are still training for their jobs. The person he is arguing with is a future leader of the ship.

So those in power punish him by taking away his position of responsibility as a ship mechanic to one of practically no responsibility by giving him a job with the SETI people. They do this because they knew it was accident. The teacher is also punished but it is implied.

Now I'm thinking it's kind of a downer with the way I have the MC and the teacher punished. Perhaps I need to kill the MC as punishment instead of giving him a job with less responsibility and show the punishment of the teacher. I don't even know how to punish her.

Any thoughts or ideas? Mods if this needs to be moved to the Sandbox please do.

Kate Thornton · Nov 16, 2009

Wow - this does sound like a downer, but that can be a good thing in an effective story. However, there has to be more to it than boy meets girl, boy plays fatal prank on girl and boy gets punished along with teacher.

It's good to show that pranks with relatively harmless intentions can go terribly wrong, but there has to be a balance, a redemption. Punishment is not the same thing.

The teacher is not responsible for the boy's actions, though he got the idea from the film. How young are these kids? Ender-7-yr-olds? Or age-of-reason 11 yr olds? Older still? The older they are, the more individually they are responsible for their actions. This means that the older they are, the more serious (i.e. life impacting) the punishment can be. But it also means the redemption is even more necessary and can happen to the grown-up child with adult seriousness.

I think a different title might be good as I don't see any broken trust from the outline you have given.

I think I would - depending on the age of the child - punish by a reduction in rank as you have done, but in order for him to be redeemed for having killed - even accidentally - a future ship's leader - he will have to perform a heroic deed in her stead or in her name. Killing him off will serve no purpose in the story arc. Putting him to the test in an emergency where he can be redeemed will do so. As for the teacher, I don't think any important punishment is necessary - she did nothing wrong. Showing a 3 Stooges movie in an Earth studies class sounds like something she would naturally do. If the children needed more guidance regarding "trying this at home" then maybe the teacher could be reprimanded for not being more observant as to the maturity level of the MC, but I think that would be all I'd do.

As always, these are just my opinions, and I haven't read your story.

Best of luck, though - it sounds like an interesting one so far.

Lyra Jean · Nov 16, 2009

It is a sort of one room class set up but the two main characters are around 14 years old. The age of marriage is about 16-17 years old in this society so they are considered very grown-up.

The group that give out the punishments is sort of an immortal type class. They have nanos bonded to their DNA to keep them healthy and strong. So while they can die from extreme accidents they cannot die from natural causes. They know it is an accident because there are hidden cameras all over the ship. It was set up for safety precautions when the ship was first built.

My MC does not have these nanos. Also everyone outside this immortal type class does not have nanos. They also don't know about the cameras. The immortal type keeps this way in order to retain their power. The mortal ruling class is sort of a go between between the mortals and immortals.

I'm still working everything out. It's sort of like a companion short story to go along with the novel I am writing that takes place in the same world.

I hadn't thought of the whole redemptive act line. I will definitely give this more thought.

Seams · Nov 17, 2009

Hello

i think the prank should be a bit more involved rather than lunch spilt, i was trying to figure out how it killed her/him

cameras i dont' think should be hidden. it seems like a controlled situation, usually Class structures are, have them there, but maybe because they've always been there, maybe have them just 'unaware'

I like the class structure you have going. since you have immortals and mortals and nanos maybe use that as a crux to the event. i agree that the teacher need not be involved in the punishment, unless he was involved in the planning also.

you seem to have an idea where it is going, you see some weaknesses you have that need to be answered and filled, so that's always the first step in improvement. excellent to see.

good luck on your edits.

Seams

stephenf · Nov 17, 2009

I find short stories with a soft ending are mostly unsatisfying. I think, after a discussion considering the circumstances of the death ,only accident.
It should be decided, it's to risky to have pranksters on board a spaceship. Then put your MC and the teacher in a air lock and release them in to open space.

Lyra Jean · Nov 17, 2009

The girl dies after she trips, the knife on her lunch tray flips up into the air and cuts open her femoral artery. In a very morbid 3 Stooges Way.

The teacher showed the 3 Stooges film and had all the kids promise not to copy the film. With the MC being as old as he was should have known better than anyone else not to imitate the film.

The POV is all the MC so no he doesn't know about the cameras or the punishment that the teacher will get which is like you can't show 3 Stooges or similar films anymore in your class. But the MC doesn't know this and I don't show it.

All of your suggestions have been very helpful.

stephanf- I thought about doing something like that for the MC but still throwing around ideas in my head.

Seams · Nov 17, 2009

you could instead have them showing the captured event on a display to him after the death, and have the mc reflect back to how it ran similar to a film of the 3 stooges that his teacher had showed(it could still be blacklisted)

then the killing could be just made into a shove gone wrong, that way the association to the film is after-the-fact... you could have him giggle out, like those nervous giggles that slip out when not needed...that could then have the immortals consider him violent or insane.... lol i dont' know...it sounds interesting...all the lil things you can do with this plot.

anyway, i'm rambling on again.

Rethinking the end of my short story

Lyra Jean

Two years old now.

Kate Thornton

Still Happy to be Here. Or Anywhere

Lyra Jean

Two years old now.

Seams

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stephenf

Lyra Jean

Two years old now.

Seams

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Rethinking the end of my short story

Lyra Jean

Two years old now.

Kate Thornton

Still Happy to be Here. Or Anywhere

Lyra Jean

Two years old now.

Seams

&#9675;

stephenf

Lyra Jean

Two years old now.

Seams

&#9675;

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