I'm a newb. I've read my latest draft and it made me sick. I *know* I can do better. Help a newb out and post your best examples of "Showing not Telling". Thanks in advance for your help. 
Give Short "Showing not Telling" examples.
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Short, off-the-top-of-my-head example:
"She was angry" could be "She clenched her hands at her sides and gritted her teeth."
"She was angry" could be "She clenched her hands at her sides and gritted her teeth."
'She was cold' vs 'She shivered and pulled her coat more tightly around her.'
A fantastic book, if you're interested, is 'How to Write a Blockbuster' by Helen Corner & Lee Weatherly. Don't be put off by the daft title- it is definitely the best book on writing and editing I've come across.
A fantastic book, if you're interested, is 'How to Write a Blockbuster' by Helen Corner & Lee Weatherly. Don't be put off by the daft title- it is definitely the best book on writing and editing I've come across.
She seemed so angry. It began to make Pete angry, too.
"I've explained it fifty-fucking-thousand times, Pete."
"So give me version fifty-fucking-thousand and one, then."
"I've explained it fifty-fucking-thousand times, Pete."
"So give me version fifty-fucking-thousand and one, then."
I'm no expert, but I'll have a go at an example.I'm a newb. I've read my latest draft and it made me sick. I *know* I can do better. Help a newb out and post your best examples of "Showing not Telling". Thanks in advance for your help.
Showing: "The gun's trigger felt cold on Mary's finger. It was harder to pull than she'd imagined: all those films where the hero quickly pulls out his revolver and shoots the villain, all those films were a lie. Shooting someone required effort. She pressed hard, until the trigger obligingly gave way, and - bang! - her boyfriend was no more."
Telling: "She pulled the trigger and blew her boyfriend's brains out."
Just be careful not to overdo it unless it makes sense for the character. 
Tell: He was frustrated with the vending machine.
Show: He slammed the change return switch and shook the machine, demanding it either give him his money or the orange soda he selected.
Probably Excessive: The veins bulged on his head as he screamed profanities at the vending machine in twelve different languages. How dare it take his money? Did it realize how important he was?! He picked up a sledgehammer and invoked the name of Odin, then swung with all his might, smashing the machine into a thousand pieces.
Tell: He was frustrated with the vending machine.
Show: He slammed the change return switch and shook the machine, demanding it either give him his money or the orange soda he selected.
Probably Excessive: The veins bulged on his head as he screamed profanities at the vending machine in twelve different languages. How dare it take his money? Did it realize how important he was?! He picked up a sledgehammer and invoked the name of Odin, then swung with all his might, smashing the machine into a thousand pieces.
I also think with telling you just say 'Jack was angry', but with showing you let the reader themselves work out that Jack's angry with his interior monolgue, body actions, etc.
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He was hungry.
He ate a full rack of lamb, three roasted chicken, a dozen eggs, seven dinner rolls, and a pint of ice cream. He ordered another chicken and some short ribs.
He ate a full rack of lamb, three roasted chicken, a dozen eggs, seven dinner rolls, and a pint of ice cream. He ordered another chicken and some short ribs.
J
Probably Excessive: The veins bulged on his head as he screamed profanities at the vending machine in twelve different languages. How dare it take his money? Did it realize how important he was?! He picked up a sledgehammer and invoked the name of Odin, then swung with all his might, smashing the machine into a thousand pieces.
You've been spying on me, haven't you?
Telling : he was drunk.
Showing: He reeled across the room, and, on the third attempt, managed to hit the chair with his arse. 'My namesh Robba...robbuu...call me Bob.'
Tell: He was scared.
Show: His eyes bulged, mouth dried and sweat broke across his forehead. His racing pulse demanded his body into action. It was Adrenaline. Or maybe just survival instinct kicking in. It didn't matter as his legs failed him knocking him down on his backside.
I'm not a good writer, so this is my concept of tell vs show. If this example is wrong or needs some more work, help a newbie writer out.
Show: His eyes bulged, mouth dried and sweat broke across his forehead. His racing pulse demanded his body into action. It was Adrenaline. Or maybe just survival instinct kicking in. It didn't matter as his legs failed him knocking him down on his backside.
I'm not a good writer, so this is my concept of tell vs show. If this example is wrong or needs some more work, help a newbie writer out.
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Show: "What do you want, you horse's arse?"
Tell: Mary wasn't happy to see me.
There's room for both - to me, it's all a question of pacing. Sometimes you just need the reader to accept a fact quickly, in which case Tell has a bit of an advantage. And if you want to drive a point home and to hell with pacing, then Show definitely has the advantage.
I wouldn't enjoy a book that was all Show or all Tell. Need a mix, and it's all pretty much a judgment call after you take pacing and emotives into consideration.
Tell: Mary wasn't happy to see me.
There's room for both - to me, it's all a question of pacing. Sometimes you just need the reader to accept a fact quickly, in which case Tell has a bit of an advantage. And if you want to drive a point home and to hell with pacing, then Show definitely has the advantage.
I wouldn't enjoy a book that was all Show or all Tell. Need a mix, and it's all pretty much a judgment call after you take pacing and emotives into consideration.
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FWIW, I don't think there is anything wrong with your "telling" example. I think its a perfectly acceptable sentence depending on the pace you want to set.
EDIT to add: I notice a lot of you using dialog to "Show" rather than tell. Expository dialog is no better than summation sentences.
Also, the whole show vs tell is like adverb vs strong verb debate.
"Mary was mad at me" is a perfectly acceptable summation to potentially dozens of pages we might not want to read.
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I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that, and I'm one who meant to point out that dialogue could be a good idea
I was thinking of someone trying to convey the emotion and situation who chose to use a telling summary and might not have thought of dialogue.
I totally agree that there are pacing issues and stylistic issues involved with the Tell vs Show question. Totally. Sometimes the 'telling' is even a more clever way to display part of a scene; maybe the POV character highlights things that a reader might not pick up themselves, maybe their words are just funnier than the action, etc.
But I think dialogue can be a great idea to show things
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While it's a good direction, it's not really effective even with context. She could frown for many reasons: puzzled, angry, displeased... you would need more than that to show us that she was displeased. Otherwise, I'd rather have the "tell" instead of the "show" because the show is vague. "Show" isn't just substituting an adjective/adverb with an action.
The whole idea behind show vs. tell isn't simply "show is better." Instead, it's that if done well, "show" is clearer, more vivid and it puts the readers right in the scene instead of summarizing details. Great "showing" uses the five senses to help the readers interpret everything the way the writer wants. In this case, "frown" is not enough to show -- there has to be other things to go with it: dialogue, more action/gestures, context.
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In this case I have to agree. The example wasn't really about show vs. tell, but the amount of details. "She pulled the trigger and blew his brain out" is perfectly fine as a "show." The other example is overwrought, actually. In fact, I have to be a jerk and say the first example was actually too much telling... let me show you what I mean by telling:
"The gun's trigger felt cold on Mary's finger. It was harder to pull than she'd imagined: all those films where the hero quickly pulls out his revolver and shoots the villain, all those films were a lie. Shooting someone required effort. She pressed hard, until the trigger obligingly gave way, and - bang! - her boyfriend was no more."
Everything in bold are "tell." And the "show" version didn't really "show" anything that the "tell" version didn't -- just more explanation and analysis. Just pull the trigger and blow that brain out already.
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Glad to see someone reminding people of this. Extremes are never good (yeah, I know it's an extreme statement). Telling has it place. The key is knowing when telling is appropriate.The trick isn't showing, or telling, but knowing how to balance the two.
Here's a short example:
Tell: He was scared.
Show: Fear flooded his veins. (Admittedly, this particular description is probably going into cliché-land. A better example might be...)
He began to shake, face pale, as he stared at the (whatever is making him scared).
Showing doesn't have to take long. A good way of showing fear/nerves/embarrassment in dialogue is through stuttering, stammering and repetition:
"I wasn't doing anything wrong," he muttered, embarrassed.
vs.
"I-I wasn't, I wasn't doing anything wrong," he muttered, face flushed.
You get the combination of blushing and stammering to give an impression of embarrassment. The trick is avoiding too much stammering, which is probably one of my greatest writing sins...
Oh, and over-use of adverbs is telling, not showing. Do not, however, excise adverbs completely (heh!). Used on rare occasions, they can be very effective. (So, that was two adverbs in two sentences, but the point is still made - 'very effective' is more powerful than 'effective', although I suppose 'powerful' could have been substituted.)
Tell: He was scared.
Show: Fear flooded his veins. (Admittedly, this particular description is probably going into cliché-land. A better example might be...)
He began to shake, face pale, as he stared at the (whatever is making him scared).
Showing doesn't have to take long. A good way of showing fear/nerves/embarrassment in dialogue is through stuttering, stammering and repetition:
"I wasn't doing anything wrong," he muttered, embarrassed.
vs.
"I-I wasn't, I wasn't doing anything wrong," he muttered, face flushed.
You get the combination of blushing and stammering to give an impression of embarrassment. The trick is avoiding too much stammering, which is probably one of my greatest writing sins...
Oh, and over-use of adverbs is telling, not showing. Do not, however, excise adverbs completely (heh!). Used on rare occasions, they can be very effective. (So, that was two adverbs in two sentences, but the point is still made - 'very effective' is more powerful than 'effective', although I suppose 'powerful' could have been substituted.)
In this case I have to agree. The example wasn't really about show vs. tell, but the amount of details. "She pulled the trigger and blew his brain out" is perfectly fine as a "show." The other example is overwrought, actually. In fact, I have to be a jerk and say the first example was actually too much telling... let me show you what I mean by telling:
"The gun's trigger felt cold on Mary's finger. It was harder to pull than she'd imagined: all those films where the hero quickly pulls out his revolver and shoots the villain, all those films were a lie. Shooting someone required effort. She pressed hard, until the trigger obligingly gave way, and - bang! - her boyfriend was no more."
Everything in bold are "tell." And the "show" version didn't really "show" anything that the "tell" version didn't -- just more explanation and analysis. Just pull the trigger and blow that brain out already.
Point taken. As I said in my original post, I'm no expert.
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