When the plot is too close to home?

Ellefire said:

How do you deal with plots that are too close to home for comfort?

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That's when I know it's worth writing.

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't write it. You know this storyline is attached to some very visceral emotions for you, and this is something that can have great value - so long as you don't shy away from expressing those emotions. One of the things that hooks a reader and keeps them glued to the page is being able to relate to the emotional state of the protagonist. If they can feel the emotions as though they are real, then they'll probably love it. So if you can embrace it, then go for it. If it's so close to home that you find yourself avoiding touching sore spots and shying away into the bland, then this may not be the right time to write it. Try again, perhaps, when you have more distance.

I hope that helps.

Without knowing exactly what's happening in your book, it does sound like there are a lot of family dynamics going on in your book. So my question is, will your family read the book and find a lot of parallels between their lives? Do you think they'll be comfortable with that? Then again, I could be way off-base, but it sounds like that to me.

Take that emotion and channel it into something positive. Is there any redemption for the vampire? The journey might be hard but it could be rewarding.

I have a story where the character is returning to see a child they didn't know existed, but it's a more cynical ending.

'As an actor, there's a bit of you that's decided you want to be looked at and watched, but there's a paradoxical bit that wants to run away.'
Ralph Fiennes

Same for writing. You want to write something personal...but not too personal.

thornhill said:

That's when I know it's worth writing.

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Gawd, you hit it right on the nail.

When I started one of my WIPs, I started with a plot that was VERY close to what had happened to me. As I wrote teh first draft, I played around with plot and details. I still FEEL like it's "my life" but since I changed a bunch of details, really, it's just the emotions are like my life, the details are now truely fiction. Maybe start writing the story and let it grow out into fiction. That way you keep the emotions, but the details are free to be not true to your life.

I wouldn't do it. Mostly because there are other people involved, and I wouldn't want to hurt them. I'd probably change up a lot of the aspects and just take out that element altogether. Maybe have the two women be best friends instead of sisters, or perhaps not even know each other initially. I'd be more likely to do something like that. Like have the second woman leave the guy and look into his past or something and discover that he'd previously been married and had a child who died under mysterious circumstances, or maybe he tries to come after her or the child and she figures it out and is trying to find more, and that's how she meets the first woman. I'm not entirely sure. It would change major aspects, but just personally I would never write anything that would certainly hurt the people I loved, particularly in a work of fiction that could be easily changed. For me there would also be the privacy element. I am a very private person and I feel that there are many things that people just don't need to know. Even if you didn't say it outright, people would likely be able to figure out that it was you and your daughter, etc., that it was based on, and to me that's publicly airing dirty laundry, so to speak.

Just my own two cents.

To my surprise, I'm slightly on the fence on this one. I've always believed that there should be no taboos for writers. Expose yourself to the bone, and if you loose friends, then so be it; and don't ever write for your granny


But should you go out of your way to hurt those close to you? After all, there are a million stories in the world, why write one to upset close family?


But so many writers have done just that, they've ridiculed their grannies, crucified their children and rubbished their churches, all for the sake of writing fearlessly and openly.


I'm going to remain sitting on this wobbly fence, perhaps waiting for some people to die. Then I'll show them.

I work with children with mental illness and emotional problems. A part of my work would fit under the broad heading of "counselling" or "therapy".

People who provide counselling are no more immune to tragedy than the people we work with. We all hit a point where an issue a young person brings us hits one of our own raw nerves.

We anticipate that we'll all take some of our work too personally, and we all have supervision....we use the term to refer to planned time with another professional who can help us with anything that is hitting a raw nerve.

As many have said your own emotions will flavour your writing, but if they become too much you're going to need to lean on your family or friends for support.

The second part is that if your family aren't strong enough to deal with the subject matter yet, they're going to need to lean on you. If you're the cause of their upset then they may find it harder to ask you for support. You need to know that they have a strong enough support network even if they don't come to you.

So, start with the assumption that your writing will stir up the emotions and then discuss the premise with your family. If you can't even have the discussion then that's a warning sign that the nerve is too raw. If you proceed, then plan ahead and make sure that the support available to every member of the family is strong enough.

If you have any doubts about the level of support available, or about your family's ability to be honest if they are finding it too hard then now might not be the time.

To answer your question directly, if I knew that something I was writing would upset someone important to me I would still write it AFTER talking to them and getting their blessing. If i thought for a second that anything i was writing would be too much for them to handle then i wouldn't do it.

Craig

Emotion is abstract. The emotions you felt when it happened do not have to be forever linked to that event. There may be other stories that you can write using those emotions.

Avoid capitalising on the event; just use the emotion.

I'm generalizing now and I'm not referring to the specific sore points raised so far, and I'm still on my wobbling fence, but, as a writer, the topic has and will always interest me greatly. Are we moving towards a discussion on censorship, inadvertently?


I appreciate that this forum is US orientated, which I don't mind at all, it is the largest English speaking part of the world, after all.


So I want to return to the 'sore' writing where we may not wish to offend people, without losing our freedom to write what we consider needs to be told, and where there is a big difference between UK and US writing.


From past experience, the entire US strongly objects to two words that English writers don't hesitate about using, and I don't need to quote them here, but they are historically taboo in the US where the last lynching of a black man took place in Georgia a mere 60 years ago.


So, do we bury our heads in the sand and just write nice things about nice people? I was reading about the Booker prizes from last night, there's not much head-burying there, but from little I know, none of their books castigated their own, close family, apart from the runner-up.


Sod it, I'm back on the fence on this one.

Here's how I'd look at it:

You don't have to show the manuscript to your family. Period.

The odds are very much against your work ever being published and even greater against your work ever receiving any public notice, so there's no need to worry about your family seeing the story unless you show it to them. Showing it to them would be an unkindness.

That said, it may be very cathartic for you to write your story. It may free up a reservoir of emotion that you have bottled up for some reason--and that can only improve your future work.

Karen Junker said:

Here's how I'd look at it:

You don't have to show the manuscript to your family. Period.

The odds are very much against your work ever being published and even greater against your work ever receiving any public notice, so there's no need to worry about your family seeing the story unless you show it to them. Showing it to them would be an unkindness.

That said, it may be very cathartic for you to write your story. It may free up a reservoir of emotion that you have bottled up for some reason--and that can only improve your future work.

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I'm sorry, but surely none of us write not to be published?

LuckyH said:

I'm sorry, but surely none of us write not to be published?

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Right...I get that many people write toward publication. Around here, you'll find a lot of people who write for their own amusement, too.

But I'm also aware of the overwhelming odds against a book being published. My opinions are based on many conversations with many agents and editors who have described their slush piles and given me estimates about how many manuscripts go from slush to requests and then from requests to publication. The numbers are staggering.

I think it's wonderful for a writer to have confidence in his or her writing. But the odds of a particular work making it onto the radar of a family member it's based upon are very slim. I wouldn't worry about it until the manuscript has been offered a contract by a major publisher--then you have plenty of time to decide if you want your family to see it.

LuckyH said:

I'm generalizing now and I'm not referring to the specific sore points raised so far, and I'm still on my wobbling fence, but, as a writer, the topic has and will always interest me greatly. Are we moving towards a discussion on censorship, inadvertently?


So I want to return to the 'sore' writing where we may not wish to offend people, without losing our freedom to write what we consider needs to be told, and where there is a big difference between UK and US writing.


So, do we bury our heads in the sand and just write nice things about nice people?

Sod it, I'm back on the fence on this one.

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I'm hoping that nothing in my post came across as saying that we shouldn't write anything that might offend.

I would completely defend anyone's right to write something that might offend my family.

I'm just saying that I wouldn't write anything that I believed would harm my family (not just upset them) as if I write it then I compromise my ability to support them. If someone else writes it then I can still play the role I'd want to play and be there for them.

I'm also not implying that writing anything that upsets them must be harmful. If it's done well and openly it could actually be a therapeutic experience that helps people move on. Sometimes the feelings have to be out in the open to be dealt with.

Simply personal choice for me.

Craig

Wiskel said:

I'm hoping that nothing in my post came across as saying that we shouldn't write anything that might offend.

I would completely defend anyone's right to write something that might offend my family.

I'm just saying that I wouldn't write anything that I believed would harm my family (not just upset them) as if I write it then I compromise my ability to support them. If someone else writes it then I can still play the role I'd want to play and be there for them.

I'm also not implying that writing anything that upsets them must be harmful. If it's done well and openly it could actually be a therapeutic experience that helps people move on. Sometimes the feelings have to be out in the open to be dealt with.

Simply personal choice for me.

Craig

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I'm sorry, but you seem to have chopped off the most important part of my post. Why?

Well, sorry again, Wiskel is the one who's buried his head in the sand, but what does it matter? Why quote a post and omit the black man's lynching. I know it's painful, but is that the answer, to ignore it?

I'd read it.

Ellefire said:

If your writing looks to be semi-autobiographical and based on very sore subjects that will upset people you love, should you still write it?

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I do not think writing is something you SHOULD do. Writers decide what they want to write.
Personally, I would not write something that upsets ME. I am saying so because thinking of being the cause of pain for somebody else will upset me first.
While I write, I have to deal with my emotions, not with others. If I am not strong enough to explore that level of unconscious I would try to avoid it, or I would try to make the story up in a way no one would recognise themselves or their circumstances, unless I want people know "their behavior" affected me OR I think it's time for me to move on.
I am not sure it make sense?

LuckyH said:

I'm sorry, but you seem to have chopped off the most important part of my post. Why?

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At the time of my post there were 4 points in my head.

1. Are we moving into a discussion about censorship?
2. Is it ok to write something that might offend
3. Your example (which I must confess isn't clear enough for me to guess which two words you're referring to. I'm english by the way and not familiar with whatever historical comparison you're trying to make. Had I understood it I might have had something to say.)
4. The OPs question about the pros and cons of offending your own family with your writing...with the specific emphesis on family.


I wanted to add to points 1,2 and 4.

I had no specific thoughts on point 3 and so edited that part of your post to focus on the points I wanted to make.

No offence was intended. I apologise if any was taken Your full post was still there for any to read.


Craig

I had this happen to me in a semi-sort-of way. I wrote a three act comedy that was produced and since my mom couldn't be there to see it, we taped one of the shows. Dumb me.. I'd avoided the mine field of my own family and instead wrote her family, all full of their issues. Her only remark to me after seeing the video was --"I never knew you saw us that way." That was it.

Now would I do it again? Probably, but I'd warn her that there might be some stuff from her family in it. And really I didn't use any of the overtly tragic stuff. But it was close enough...

So, I'd at least warn your family that there might be some stuff in your book that would be sensitive. And as Kaitie said, I'd probably change some stuff up, make it less recognizable.

My two cents....

Does flogging a dead horse ever make sense? Or is it as bad as starting any writing with a cliche?


If a writer categorically writes of a grandmother who severely beat him as a child, locked him in tiny, dark cupboards so that she would no longer hear his cries of anguish, and finally branded him with a red-hot iron, leaving a scar for life; should that writer consider the effects his words may have on his mother and other family members?


Maybe I stretched the point in comparing writing truthfulness with an understandable US reticence to write about the darkness of slavery and all its horrors; I could have added the English avoidance of any negative mention of the Royal family in case it upsets the entire nation; or the fact that Germans don't want to be reminded of the War.


I tried climbing off my fence but felt too uncomfortable on the ground and climbed back up. Maybe it's better (it's certainly easier) to leave those uncomfortable truths alone. Let braver people tell of them.