The importance of those first few hundred words or so, i.e. The Opening

Why don't you pick it up and read until you get to the first part of your work that truly compells you, and then delete everything before it?

If you think that's hard, try writing the opener to a dating site profile.


Erm, but seriously, maybe the scene itself is the problem. Maybe starting at an entirely different point would help.

It could be that opening with an info-dump, no matter how necessary, is never going to please critics. I'd expect it to start with the machine test, to be honest. Seriously, start with the obvious: the machine going wrong. Or even the moment right after it goes wrong. That way you can focus on the inventor's frustration/outrageous emotional investment in it/whatever is driving him rather than the machine itself. Part of the problem could be the machine sucking the story's energy, when you need it to be about the inventor.

Just throwing stuff out there.

Yikes. Sorry, underthecity. Perhaps you've rewritten it so many times you've lost the power behind your words (ie-your passion thrusting the scene forward). I would say not to rely on SYW on HOW to open your book. I would return to your various versions of the opening, particularly your first opening, and see what attracted you to that version of doing it. What of that scene first drew you in, as a writer? What intrigued you to write? Start there, I would suggest. (Sometimes your first instinct is the right one.)

Plus not everyone is going to like everything.

I would ask SYW people to accept that this is where you are starting, get over it, and ask what DOESN'T work about the writing, the tensions, whatever. You don't have to switch scenes to make it work, it may just be an issue of tension falling flat. That can be fixed within the scene, and I would approach it that way.

Good luck! I'm sort of on the job hunt right now but if I get some breathing room I'll stop in and give your work a look.

underthecity said:

But nothing I do works for anyone.

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Write what works for you.

underthecity said:

What am I doing wrong???

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Obsessing.

Write something new.

I think what you've been doing wrong is listening to too many different opinions and starting to lose your own voice/vision.

I agree with maestrowork. You said when you stared with action, you were personally advised that it was weak. Do you believe that, or are you only listening a particular opinion?

underthecity said:

I've rewritten dialog. I've added voice. I've introduced conflict. I have the scientific explanations ala Michael Chrichton. But nothing I do works for anyone.

What am I doing wrong???

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When I attended a workshop with Donald Maass, he addressed what the opening pages of the book was supposed to do in quite a bit of detail. What he said wasn't a light-bulb for me, it was a mega-watt kleeg light:

The only thing the opening has to do is make the reader want to keep reading. You do that by introducing a story question they want the answer to.

During the workshop, he had about a dozen of us participants (not me) read their first paragraphs aloud. There were planes crashing, relationships ending, businesses going belly-up, all kinds of action things. After each was read, Maass asked for a show of hands of who would keep reading. It was very speckled until one particular paragraph was read:

"Evelyn, I need your help."

Every hand--including Maass' went up. (As an aside, it was my best friend's book and he requested it on the spot) Everyone wanted to know so many story questions--who needed help? What kind of help was needed? Why Evelyn?

Look at the beginning of your book and see what kind story questions you can leap into immediately. They don't have to be action. They don't have to be deeply technical. They just have to make the reader curious about what the story is going to do next.

Yeah, tall order, I know, but I find that bit of advice cuts the question to the quick and lets me focus on what the beginning needs to be.

Best of luck with it.

My suggestion is not to post the opening for crit again. I'm in the camp that believes if you can't get your opening to work, you're starting in the wrong place. The problem here, though, is why do you believe it's not working? Did you believe it wasn't working before you posted it the first time, or were you confident people would love it? If you thought it worked then, it might still work. If you were never satisfied with the opening scene, it's time to think about starting in a different place.

scarletpeaches said:

Write what works for you.Obsessing.

Write something new.

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I agree with the write something new anytime you start obsessing about something. Step away and let it ferment a bit.

Also, don't think you have to get the entire premise of the book out there right at the beginning.

Finish the story then edit the beginning.

Or if you just wanna get down to it:
- What's the story you want to tell the reader?
- What do you want the reader to feel?
- What sort of a book is this?

Seduce your reader. Flash a tiny bit of flesh (metaphorically) not try and take all all your clothes off or run out of the room screaming.

I was once creating a short play through improvisation with two other girls. It was an assignment for improv class. We had all, before being put together in groups, come up with very detailed characters, with very detailed bios. Then our teacher had put us into groups of three to come up with a short play using our three characters.

It just so happened that the three characters that I and the other two girls had chosen were: con artist, FBI agent, police officer.

So we decided to create a scene about arresting the con artist, something I guess you'd see on CSI or something. We tried and tried. We fought and argued. Nothing we did worked.

Finally we stopped and thought for a moment. "What if," we reasoned, "we didn't do the obvious story about the FBI tracking a con woman? Just because we happen to have characters that work crazily well together that way, doesn't mean we have to make the story about that."

We came up with a totally other scene. Three friends playing poker. Three friends who also happened to be a con artist, FBI agent and police officer. The scene was emotional, intense, slightly absurdist, and totally awesome. It came together so quickly, and we all three of us loved it. And so did our teacher .

My point.

I know a bit about your story and have read several manifestations of your opening. Maybe you are going about it all wrong. In theory it makes sense. It's a story about a ghost machine, show the ghost machine. Get right into the story right? But it isn't working. Maybe you need something that has nothing to do with the ghost machine. Maybe you need something like . . . I dunno . . . this is just a suggestion . . . starting from the perspective of a ghost. Maybe you start in the 1800s when one of your ghosts was killed. Maybe you have your MC and his wife trying to make love, but he's so distracted, and finally she kicks him out of bed and he goes downstairs to look at his machine.

My point is, maybe a scene where the man shows someone his ghost machine and how it works is not necessary to the story. This could be a situation where we are thrust right into the middle of everything, where we accept that your MC has a ghost machine, just as most everyone has a tv. "Did you hear about what John did with the ghost machine yesterday?" "Yeah I did. Man I just don't think he's every going to get that thing to work."

Remember too that stories are first and foremost about characters. Your story isn't about a guy making a ghost machine. It's about a guy who becomes obsessed with winning scientific awards, and puts his family in grave danger because of his own selfishness. Therefore getting us into your story isn't just about establishing the ghost machine. Maybe getting us into the story is establishing your main character, establishing his ambition. Maybe the first scene is him presenting a host of inventions to a panel, getting more and more frantic as he does so, and the panel dismissing his inventions as absurd driving him to totally breakdown.

Maybe, your beginning isn't actually about the ghost machine.

Anyway, I know there's a lot of advice here on not listening to any more advice, but that's my two cents nonetheless.

All SYW can do is alert you that something is wrong with your opening scene. Everything after that point is just advice, helpful suggestions to spark your brain. It's up to you to fix it in the best way for your novel, because you know it best. So often I see people complain about how they've been given "All this contradicting advice! Oh noes!" Seriously, it's your novel, you fix it. Maybe something someone suggested stands out to you, maybe it doesn't.

When I get stuck on a scene and find myself rewriting over and over, what usually works for me is to forbid myself from using anything from that scene. Instead, I challenge myself to figure out something completely different that still works. So, basically, what Toothpaste was suggesting. Start somewhere else. Somewhere that's not the "obvious choice." Example: I posted in the sandbox recently about how I needed ideas for where to set a dinner scene. I cited locales that had already been used. Then someone said, "Why does it have to be a dinner scene?" BINGO. I had gotten into a rut, thinking it HAD to be a certain way. So I chucked the dinner scene and did something completely different. And it totally worked.

Think of all the different ways you could possibly do the opening. Toothpaste's drama impro is a case in point. Just because there is Option A doesn't mean you have to go for it. Don't tie youself to a preconceived idea.

RG570 said:

Erm, but seriously, maybe the scene itself is the problem. Maybe starting at an entirely different point would help.

It could be that opening with an info-dump, no matter how necessary, is never going to please critics. I'd expect it to start with the machine test, to be honest. Seriously, start with the obvious: the machine going wrong. Or even the moment right after it goes wrong. That way you can focus on the inventor's frustration/outrageous emotional investment in it/whatever is driving him rather than the machine itself. Part of the problem could be the machine sucking the story's energy, when you need it to be about the inventor.

Just throwing stuff out there.

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I agree wholeheartedly. (and not just because I'm from B.C.) I remember reading the opening and expecting the MC to try and use the machine. I was waiting to see what it would do or what would go wrong with it but then the friend showed up and the momentum was lost. Once you've begun forward motion, which I believe you did with the MC worrying about it working and the machine I think saying to turn it on or something like that, in order to maintain reader interest forward movement has to continue. We want him to turn it on. We want to see what happens - good or bad. The friend is intruding into this tight little scenario you've got going on between the MC and the machine.
Just my two cents though. Take 'em or leave 'em.

underthecity said:

I've been doing something drastically wrong with my opening and I can't seem to shake it off.

I thought that discovering my lack of voice was bad. But no, it's this stupid darn opening.

I am currently, once again, rewriting the first chapter. I have changed it so many times that I've lost count. Core characters remain, but motivations have changed. The sequences of actions have changed. Dialog has changed. And yet still, readers in SYW just don't like it.

The first chapter is posted in Horror SYW, and a rewritten opening is posted in Mainstream SYW, but I won't bother you to go check them out.

Start with action is the most often preached advice. I tried that. It's weak, I was advised.

Start with interesting. I tried that, too. Not good enough, I'm told. Lacks voice, another says.

I rewrite it again. Start it this way, one person says. No, start it this way, another advises.

My MC is an inventor. In the first chapter, he is showing his friend the invention and explains how it works. Chapter 2 is the actual demonstration where things go terribly wrong. Earlier drafts had the order of events changed around a bit.

In earlier drafts, there was no clear explanation of how the invention worked. My fault, I suppose; SYW readers said they couldn't believe this invention could do what the MC claimed it could do. So, I fully explained it. But I couldn't just infodump the explanation, I had the MC explain it to his doubting friend. The friend is important to this first chapter. The reader learns later that the friend sabotaged the invention so it wouldn't work. This steers the MC to redevelop the invention into the device that the book is about.

I've rewritten dialog. I've added voice. I've introduced conflict. I have the scientific explanations ala Michael Chrichton. But nothing I do works for anyone.

What am I doing wrong???

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I have debated about responding to this, mainly because I don't think you are going to like what I have to say. But ultimately, I decided to take you at face value that you are actually asking for suggestions.

Please remember that this is only my subjective opinion, and you can feel free to ignore it, but I've read a few manifestations of the opening and my thought is that you need to work on your execution a bit more.

It's not where you are starting the story, IMO, that is holding it back. It is the overall execution. You technically write well and you have done several, clear revisions. I understand the story and what you want to convey. But it all feels a bit lifeless.

None of the versions I have read have really felt compelling and drawn me in. They have been technically accurate and the story as described is somewhat interesting, but I don't feel anything for the characters. I don't like them or hate them, I'm not intrigued by them, I don't care what happens to them. Without a compelling character or strong narrative voice, I just can't get sucked into a story.

It's a bit like the old telling versus showing problem - tell me someone was caught in a burning building and how they got out is somewhat interesting. But make me care about them and then have me experience actually being in that building with them, not knowing if they will get out, or at what cost, and I can't read fast enough.

For a novel to draw me in, especially one that needs tension driving the story - like suspence, thriller or horror - I have got to feel the emotions of the characters, and feel the tension of the story. In the versions you have posted that is what has been missing IMO.

And it's hard to show someone else how to write compelling characters and create emotional tension within the confines of a critique of 1,500 word excerpt from a novel - especially when there are other areas also needing critique. But if you took a workshop on building compelling characters or finding a strong narrative voice, you would focus on those issues exclusively and could really make great strides.

Even reading up on creating compelling characters or strong narrative voice, or creating emotional tension in the narrative, especially if the book had exercises, might really help.

I think you may have just hit a plateau - where your fiction skills haven't yet caught up with your story ideas. So, I suggest working on your character and voice building techniques, and on technioques for building narrative tension - take some classes, read some books and really study the character building or narrative devices, find a patient crit group, and really work on creating compelling characters and dramatic tension.

Then take another swing at this book. Because I think you just need to get your writing to the next level to make this work.

I have a coulple wips I tinker with now and then but can't really write well yet. They are both books I hope to write someday, but I am not yet a good enough writer to pull either off yet, and for very different reasons. So, I'm working on other things and (hopefully) becoming a better writer in the areas that will eventually be needed for these two ideas.

good luck.

~suki

At the risk of overloading you with options, I agree with Toothpaste's advice. Personally I ignore the "start with action" and "start with interesting" school of thoughts; I follow "open with conflict." This could be any conflict and doesn't need to be so directly related to the machine. Like Toothpaste says, your character could be in the middle of a romantic moment with his wife but is too distracted to do anything. That's chock full of conflict, and also sets up the idea of family/marital problems.

Where does your main character fall at the end of the book? Is his family back together? Has he learned from his obsessive behavior? Now think of the beginning: What kind of scene would show your character in an exact opposite state (or maybe the same) that he is in the end? This may not work, but just an exercise to get you thinking.

As you've previously said, you have received way too many opinions on how and where you should start your story and what your opening should include. Begin where and how YOU think you should, only keep it moving forward and allow us to care about your MC and his problems. An opening must draw us in and make us want to keep following you. You can do that with action, you can do that with a puzzle, you can do that with a fascinating character or a mysterious machine, umpteen different ways.
I write historical fiction and I always begin with setting the scene so the reader is grounded in the era. I want people to feel as if they know where they are before I get into the story itself. That isn't necessary for some, but it's necessary for me and I have to do it my way if I'm going to be the author of my own story.
If I were you I'd step away from it for a bit, digest what others have said then think long and hard about what YOU want to do. In the end you must write your story your way. You can't write it my way or anyone else's way. I think all that is happening thus far is that you're getting confused by conflicting opinions.
Good luck. Openings are hard, hard, hard.

Open with conflict- exactly. Give us a question- let the reader wonder what the solution might be and they'll read on. Tell them, and they won't.

Adding to Suri's point- a writer's sort of telling two stories. One- the entertaining story:
Mary is trying to kill Steve

Two- the emotional story. This is why we stick with a book:
Mary has been abused by Steve for 10 years.

Lady Ice said:

Two- the emotional story. This is why we stick with a book:
Mary has been abused by Steve for 10 years.

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Or, if we want to be active writers instead of passive, Steve has abused Mary for 10 years.

underthecity said:

Perhaps I should stick with nonficton subjects, although honestly, I didn't want to. I'd like to be a novelist. So, I'll re-read this thread and get back to work.

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Good for you! Just to encourage you... when I first started working my "day job," which is writing nonfiction travel stuff, it totally killed my creative bug. It's some weird right brain/left brain thing. And it took me a while to get to a place where I could flip the switch from one side to the other. I imagine going the other direction - from nonfic to fiction - might be even more challenging.

Practice letting go of your critical, logical self. Get in touch with the artsy, sensitive side. You can worry about the details later - you know that's what your strength is.

If what Suki wrote is true, you need to go back and develop your characters. Make them more interesting. Give them emotions and SHOW those emotions through actions. This is not an easy step to take for technical writers. You've been taught to keep your words free of personal emotion, now you need to pour your emotions into your writing.
Once you've mastered that, you may not have a problem with the beginning. I haven't read your work, but from what I know of it from this thread, I might start out with the sabotage. This scene could be stretched out and reek with emotion (fear, jealousy, etc.). The perpetrator could explain the workings of the machine as he is trying to disable it. Perhaps he could even have it run successfully, trapping a ghost (or whatever it does), before he sabotages it. The ghost could be trapped inside the disabled machine, haunting it and the protagonist while he's trying to get it rebuilt. I could go on and on here. Your story sounds really interesting.

Can I suggest that you go down to your local library and pick up a dozen books of the same genre you're writing in and read the first chapter in each of them. If the first chapter is too long, just read the first eight pages, it's more than enough for your purposes.


After reading each opening, write down how you think they differ from your WIP and be cruel to yourself, if necessary. You won't like all the openings, so pick out your favourite ones and concentrate on those.


Armed with your notes, try and make your opening as interesting as the ones you've read. Once you've completed your entire project, try another round of submissions to agents, don't ask for any more advice from anyone else, you're already on overload.


As soon as your submissions are on their way, put your manuscript out of the way and out of your mind, and write the next one. (After a decent interval).

This advice was given to me a couple of weeks ago by aadams73. I embraced it and my writing is becoming fun again.

" I'm going to give you the best advice I can right now: relax and enjoy writing your story until The End. Then worry about the rules. But for now, get a first draft down. Don't suck all the joy out of it for you."

In your case you have the first draft. Just step back and let it cook for awhile.
The only thing different between what you are doing and what I was doing is I tried to get the first chapter perfect at the cost of doing nothing with the rest of my WIP. You are trying to please everyone but yourself. I too tried to please everyone. I changed it so much it wasn't even written in my voice, period. Take a deep breath, put it away for a bit, and then go back. Good Luck!

Jane