Difficuly writing love scenes-any suggestions

ANNIE · Jul 4, 2005

I have a difficult time writing the loves scenes in my novel. This is'nt a romance per say, however this scene is an intrical part of the plot. I was hoping someone out there might be able to give me a little insite.
Just a little background- my protaganist is a young man who has been who has been brutally abused both physically and sexually from the age of five.
Here is a small passage of the scene;

Walking into her room was the single bravest thing he had ever done. Derry opened his eyes and saw her in the shadows. She tok his breath away and scared him down to the depths of his soul. She asked for nothing and gave him everything he had ever wanted but knew he couldn't have. What was he supposed to do with the feelings she had brought to life inside of him? That part of him was dead; it had died a long time ago.

He shouldn't be here; he needed to leave but couldn't seem to make his feet move in that direction. All he do was stare as the moonlight washed over her. Her hair curled dangeroulsy around her face as he heard her whisper his name and sudenly he knew there would be no turning back. He swallowed down his fear and took another step toward her.

She looked at him and he couldn't look away - he didn't want to. 'She's the one' his mother had told him the dream and suddenly Derry wasn't afraid anymore.

"Tell me now if you want me to leave," he said and waited for her to answer. He watched as Kyla held a hand out to him.

"Close the door Derry," she said, and he quietly pushed it shut behind him and took her hand. For the first time for as long s he could remember, Derry's defenses crumbled completely around him.

That's the first passage- It does on to the consumation of the relationship, but nothing graphic , only suggestive.
Any comments, help, suggestions. My punctuation may not be perfect here, but please ignore that, I assure you it is perfect int he original text.

Thanks for any input.

maestrowork · Jul 4, 2005

Too much telling, if you ask me. I can't get into your love scene because you're telling me how these two people are feeling, but I can't feel it through them. It's like tell me "I love you" -- but I can't feel it. You need to show us, through actions -- what are they doing when they're there. Imagine yourself observing them in the same room... what are they doing? How do they react to each other?

ANNIE · Jul 4, 2005

Thanks, I seem to have a constant problem in my work with way to much telling , not enough showing, but I can't always see it.

katdad · Jul 4, 2005

Your first effort is quite reasonable, as I see it. Yes, it needs some editing, more "show" and less "tell" but the general setup is fine.

Read aloud to yourself. This will help you tweak the rhythm of the sentences, make them more readable.

Cathy C · Jul 4, 2005

He shouldn't be here; he needed to leave but couldn't seem to make his feet move in that direction. All he do was stare as the moonlight washed over her. Her hair curled dangeroulsy around her face as he heard her whisper his name and sudenly he knew there would be no turning back. He swallowed down his fear and took another step toward her.

You can do a lot more with this paragraph without taking out what you've already done. For example,

He shouldn't be here; he needed to leave but couldn't seem to make his feet move in that direction. All he do was stare as the moonlight washed over her. His hands seemed clammy and damp all of a sudden and he forgot to breathe for so long that when he finally did, the air burned his lungs. Her hair curled dangeroulsy (I wouldn't use "dangerously" here. Hair can't curl dangerously. She can LOOK dangerous from the way it curls, though)around her face as he heard her whisper his name and sudenly he knew there would be no turning back. He swallowed down a fear that made his pulse pound and his mouth dry, and took another step toward her.

"Close the door Derry," she said, and he quietly pushed it shut behind him and took her hand. For the first time for as long s he could remember, Derry's defenses crumbled completely around him.

Here's another place that can be beefed up:

"Close the door Derry," she said, and he quietly pushed it shut behind him and took her hand. Her skin was smooth and warm against his. She noticed his nervousness and smiled warmly, squeezing his hand just a bit. The feeling that her eyes and smile expressed made him want to pull her against him and hold her forever. For the first time for as long as he could remember, Derry's defenses crumbled completely around him.

Just a few thoughts. I think you're on the right track, though. Good luck!

Mike Martyn · Jul 4, 2005

A boy subjected to that sort of abuse would grow into a very angry young man based on what I've read in the newspapers or heard from clients. Perhaps she has to tame that anger or channel it. Perhaps he's hesitant and angry at himself because of that hesitancy. The monster who abused him still affects him. It's still inside his head. Help him get it out.

Just a thought.

I'm currently writing a difficult scene in which the m/c confronts his dying stepfather who made his life a living hell in childhood.

ANNIE · Jul 4, 2005

Thank you all very much! This gives me so much to work with. I'm going to sit down with a pen and paper,(I work better long hand at first) and rework this scene and if you are wiling look at it again. Thank you once again for your time and suggestions.

Ann

Giles English · Jul 4, 2005

The key is to make sure that each the "love" scene has internal and/or external conflict... something at stake. (If it only marks a mental transition or the result of a conflict, then kick it off at the end of a scene and close the bedroom door.)

You're not a pornographer like me, so you probably don't want to go into all the juicy details! However, you can show the mental conflict and all the agonising advances and retreats... and describe the impact of the action without exactly saying what's going on.

Show us the sensual, then mental effect of her touch. Have him react... Freezes? Recoils? Then have her react to his reaction... drops back? persists? tries to sweep away his inhibitions? Then he reacts to her reaction.... meanwhile he's also reacting to his own reaction...

Good luck!

Giles

GPatten · Jul 4, 2005

Annie:

I like what you wrote, but it could be better.

I think maestrowork hit the nail on the head. Somewhere I read that women represent a lot of the market, and I even heard that the more descriptive the lovemaking scene is, the more they buy. Well, this may be true, I’m not sure. Now I’m not speaking or porno, I am talking about making love. I don’t like porno, but love making is good and I like to see it entered in a good novel in places here and there.

I wrote one that I don’t dare submit. The first chapter is down right filthy. I wrote it that way only to try it and see what kind of interest some of the women I know would have. They were my age. (50-100)

Now I know most agents and publisher don’t want filth, but I bet if you could write the thoughts into a hungry filthy mind, that it may sell if it is acceptable in other ways.

I might clean mine up and give it a try.

Keep it going Annie. :Clap:

maestrowork · Jul 4, 2005

Love scenes and porn or even erotica are different. Still, the same "show don't tell" technique applies. The more evocative your scene, the more your readers will enjoy and feel the love/tension/conflict/whatever emotions your characters are going through. You don't have to detail every sex act in the process -- that would be gratuitous.

Think back on all the greatest love scenes in your favorite movies/novels. You don't just see two people go into the room and proclaim, "I love you so much," then close the door. You see how they react to each other, touch each other, how one pulls back and the other proceeds, how one person kisses the other and how the other reacts to it, etc. You may not show them getting naked and getting it on, but there are enough "steaminess" to put us RIGHT THERE and feel the heat. The best love scenes are those you really "get" without a voice-over telling you "and he feels like he's on top of the world" and "her love for him is eternal..." You just feel it and get it.

scribbler1382 · Jul 4, 2005

A long time ago, I was taught that what makes a horror story scary is not the TERRIBLE-HORRIBLE-THING, but the characters' reaction to it. Vincent Price, I think, said that seeing someone's head chopped off is gross...having someone tell you about someone getting their head chopped off is scary.

Strangely enough, I think the same can be said for love scenes. Seeing the love isn't what touches us, it's seeing the characters' reaction to the love that pulls at our hearts. As well, reading a graphic roll in the hay may be sexy, but it's not very romantic. However, having someone tell their best friend about the magical night they just had (especially when remembered through a person in love's rose-colored glasses) is touching and adds to our empathy for the character and their emotional state.

IMO, anyways. :LilLove:

sunandshadow · Jul 4, 2005

Writing abused characters is always tough. I've done mildly abused characters (e.g. a guy who thinks no one could possibly love him, so his first reaction to another character's interest is trying to figure out why this other character would want to pretend to like him. He doesn't even consider that it might be real interest, because he knows he isn't loveable and everyone hates him.) So, my advice would be to make sure you understand how Derry's thoughts and personal philosophy have been altered by his abuse, and whether there's a descrepency between his gut level beliefs and his rational beliefs about sex, love, Kyla, and his mother's authorization.

I like the phrase "her hair curled dangerously" - I'd love to see that thought in more detail - why is it dangerous, what other curling object does her hair metaphorically remind him of? (IMO metaphors are often good at capturing the high emotional intensity and significance of a love scene for the character involved.) He feels threatened by her on a number of levels, but what exactly does he fear her doing, or what bad thing might happen to him if he tries to take 'what he knows he can't have?'

aruna · Jul 4, 2005

One of my novels dealt with a sexually abused child; all of them are about love; yet I have never written a sex scene. Never. I don't like them; and I know many women who don't. I think it's about even - those who like them, those who don't.

What you have wriiten needs polishing, and Cathy did a brilliant job. I think that for a character who has been abused you definitley don't want anything very graphic; it must be about his feelings, how he overcomes his anxiety, how he learns to surrender to love. That way you will touch the reader's feelings as well, and in this case the reader will want to be emotionally moved, not titillated. So concentrate on emotion, not what they actually do.

Sharon Mock · Jul 5, 2005

A love/sex scene is, in many ways, no different from any emotionally pivotal scene. Like any difficult scene, what it requires is simple: courage, stubbornness, Butt applied to Chair (BIC). We put those scenes in our stories for good reasons, and we owe it to ourselves to see it through as best we can.

In practice, of course, sex scenes are different. Different inhibitors -- modesty, privacy, embarrassment, squeamishness -- get in the way. But I don't know any good way of getting around them, except to plow through. (I actually had a glass or two of chocolate liqueur to knock down the inhibitions enough to get the most difficult scene down on paper. But I really don't recommend using alcohol as a writing aid.)

For me, getting the rough draft finished was the most difficult part. Revising wasn't easy, exactly, but I managed it with a minimum of squeamishness. It gets easier.

aruna · Jul 5, 2005

Sharon Mock said:
In practice, of course, sex scenes are different. Different inhibitors -- modesty, privacy, embarrassment, squeamishness -- get in the way. But I don't know any good way of getting around them, except to plow through.

Or just not writing them!

Very often, especially in a character driven novel, they simply aren't necessary; very often, our squemishness is simply a sensible inner voice telling us this, and it's good to listen. We should ask ourselves are we writing a graphic sex scene because we think that sex sells, or because we think readers demand it, or because we want to break a taboo? Does the novel really require it? Obviously, in a bonkbuster, where sex is the whole point, it's requried. But not every love scene necessarily means a sex scene, with all the details. In fact, graphic sex can detract from the emotional impact.

brinkett · Jul 5, 2005

aruna said:
I don't like them; and I know many women who don't. I think it's about even - those who like them, those who don't.

I don't mind reading sex scenes, but I find most of them unrealistic and flat, and often laughable. I'm not talking about sex scenes in porn/erotica/some romance, where they're a requirement. I'm talking about other categories of books. Most of the sex/love scenes I've read have fallen into one or more of the following categories:

1. Are clearly the fantasy of the author
2. Read like a "how to" sex manual
3. Involve too much thinking. If they were thinking that much, I doubt half the sex in the scene would be happening
4. Could only be performed by circus acrobats

They rarely advance the plot or reveal character (usually if the scene does reveal character, it happens before or after the act and so the description of the act could have been deleted entirely). I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination and there is the odd sex scene I've enjoyed, but most of them are tripe.

ANNIE · Jul 5, 2005

I can't thank you all enough for your generous advice and knowledgable advice.

Just a little background for your information: Derry comes from a post-apocalyptic future who finds himself thirty-five years into his past. Where he comes from life is a daily struggle just to survive. He is sold into Child prostitution and rescued by his brother and then throughout his life hunted by a mad man who holds him responsible for his son's death. His emotions are very deeply buried- to him they are dangerous. Kyla shows him there is more to life than what he has survived

Okay- that said-My love scence is needed as it is an important aspect of Derry's healing and emotional growth. but it will never be graphic, I agree that it needs to be about his feelings and emotions.

I do have a question-- It seems to be at the root of my problem here

What is the diference between showing and telling? I think I know but then i read what I wrote and its telling again.

could someone demonstrate the difference using my scene as an example? It would be most appreciated.

Thank you again for al your help

Annie

Susan Gable · Jul 5, 2005

aruna said:
Or just not writing them!

Very often, especially in a character driven novel, they simply aren't necessary; Does the novel really require it? In fact, graphic sex can detract from the emotional impact.

I think that only the author can answer if the novel requires the love/sex scene. And if it's a pivital moment in the character's development, then I don't want the door closed - I want to experience it with him/her.

With this character's past, it seems to me that his willingness to interact on a physical level is critical. He's about to show trust - and I'm expecting it to be a difficult thing at first. I would def. want to see this scene in this particular novel. It's pivital to this character's development.

Sex scenes should NOT just be tossed in there for the sake of sex. But there are a whole host of emotions that go along with the act - even for people who are determined that it's just a physical act. Is there trepidation? (Oh, good grief, he's going to see me naked, I wonder if he'll notice my stretch marks? Or he might wonder if he'll "measure up?" Can he make it good for her?) Is there any fear? Insecurity? Or conversely, is the character very confident in herself/himself, despite any "obvious" flaws in their appearance or whatever? That would tell us a LOT about the character's self-image.

So, don't make it just about the physical. Get into the emotions. Show those emotions. (Don't tell too much, show, as others have said.)

Annie, the best book I've found to help with Show vs. Tell as well as a host of other writing craft issues is called Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King.

But in a nutshell, show is "His hands trembled as he reached for her" as opposed to "He was scared to death as he reached for her." (Telling)

Susan G.

ANNIE · Jul 5, 2005

Susan

Thanks- that helps. I'll look up that book- I think I might even have it!

Annie ( I'm printing these posts for refrence- you guys are great!)

brinkett · Jul 5, 2005

Susan Gable said:
And if it's a pivital moment in the character's development, then I don't want the door closed - I want to experience it with him/her.

I completely agree that I'd want to see the scene in this case. But I've read too many sex scenes where they should have closed the door.

(Oh, good grief, he's going to see me naked, I wonder if he'll notice my stretch marks? Or he might wonder if he'll "measure up?" Can he make it good for her?) Is there any fear? Insecurity? Or conversely, is the character very confident in herself/himself, despite any "obvious" flaws in their appearance or whatever? That would tell us a LOT about the character's self-image.

You can show a lot of this without writing the actual act, though.

maestrowork · Jul 5, 2005

Gratuitous anything is seldom good, and that includes love scenes.

Remember, a scene must either: 1) develop characters; 2) move the plot forward; and/or 3) strengthen the themes. If your love scene does none of these, then it's a waste of everyone's time. You should just keep the door closed.

And those who are too prudent to read a love scene (however well done) should never buy your book in the first place. Alas! We can't please everyone.

maestrowork · Jul 5, 2005

brinkett said:
You can show a lot of this without writing the actual act, though.

At the same time, why are you shying away from it? What do you have to fear as a writer? I think as an artist/writer we need to be fearless in our art and not hold back. If our scene requires showing the actual act of love making, then show it. Don't be the kind of people who say things like, "Oh, I can't talk about it. It's so embarrassing." Well, you are the friggin' writer, or are you not? Sex is such a huge part of humanity. To hold back makes your writing suffer, and you won't be true to your readers. The truth is always better than the half-truths.

JMHO.

brinkett · Jul 5, 2005

maestrowork said:
At the same time, why are you shying away from it? What do you have to fear as a writer? I think as an artist/writer we need to be fearless in our art and not hold back. If our scene requires showing the actual act of love making, then show it.

If the scene requires it, of course it should be shown. I was merely pointing out that you don't have to write the act to show the things Susan listed. I don't think writing sex scenes is particularly fearless, frankly, because I don't think there's anything special about them except that they seem to be overused, like every book has to have the obligatory roll in the hay. These days, writing explicit sex isn't pushing the envelope in any way, shape, or form. It's done all the time. That's the point.

Susan Gable · Jul 5, 2005

maestrowork said:
Alas! We can't please everyone.

Too true, Ray.

So we have to write for ourselves and our characters first.

Susan G.

NeuroFizz · Jul 5, 2005

brinkett said:
They rarely advance the plot or reveal character (usually if the scene does reveal character, it happens before or after the act and so the description of the act could have been deleted entirely). I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination and there is the odd sex scene I've enjoyed, but most of them are tripe.

Some time ago, I read a comment on love scenes by a very well-known author (sorry, but I can't remember her name, but she wasn't a romance writer). She stated that anyone who jumps from the preliminaries to the post-coital cigarette is missing an incredible opportunity for characterization. The essence of her argument--intense experiences like this (or like some kind of physical or emotional challenge), are the exact times to SHOW character. Some people will do incredicle about-faces when sex is involved. Others are steadfast in their values. Some men take to heart what daddy said, "Son, you're not done until she's done." Others may be the most attentive, caring individuals until flesh meets flesh, and then there might as well be just one person in the room. This doesn't mean we should give a blow-by-blow (no pun--don't go there) description of the physical activities. In fiction, less is more, which means leave some of it to the readers imagination. But not too much. Maybe the best way to approach it is this: instead of trying to get a rise in the reader's boxers, try to create a tightness in his hatband. In some cases, erotic is better defined by what isn't said, but the reader has to be led in the right direction to capture the author's intent.

Difficuly writing love scenes-any suggestions

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