Rough sentences

LittleFlowerLei · Aug 10, 2009

After writing a sentence that took me almost four hours to find the right words for, I began to wonder....

What are some sentences you've written that seemed hard to write for whatever reason?

Mine was:

“Excuse me, but I think I know someone who can help.” Someone said from behind me. When I turned to look at the same time as my friends, I saw the older man with a cane from before.

Those sentences when someone says something behind the MC all of a sudden suck to write xD

So, what are your esspecially-hard-to-write sentences?

blacbird · Aug 10, 2009

Even my suggestion suffers from a superfluity:

I turned (to look) and saw the older man with the cane.

Jettison the "to look".

caw

LittleFlowerLei · Aug 10, 2009

blacbird said:
The major problem I see is excessive stage-direction. Simplify and clarify. First, the two quick uses of the word "someone" needs altered. Second, the dialogue is punctuated incorrectly. I'd suggest:

"Excuse me, but I think I know someone who can help," a voice behind me said.

In the second sentence, the "from before" seems awkward, and unnecessary. If you have been previously describing the "older man with the cane", why do you need that phrase? Likewise, I don't get much from the "at the same time as my friends". My suggested revision:

I turned to look and saw the older man with the cane.

caw

oh! I wasn't looking for help but thanks anyway!

That DOES sound a lot better from what I had ^_^ Thanks a lot!

MsGneiss · Aug 10, 2009

I agree with blacbird. Your wording is a bit awkward... I had to read it twice, which is not a good thing. The new formulation works much better! (Sorry, I know I didn't answer your question).

LittleFlowerLei · Aug 10, 2009

^_^ Thank you both! I didn't realize it sounded so bad, but I am glad it got the fixin' it needed

scarletpeaches · Aug 10, 2009

blacbird said:
Even my suggestion suffers from a superfluity:

I turned (to look) and saw the older man with the cane.

Jettison the "to look".

caw

Could be edited further. 'And saw' is filtering, and you know how I hate filtering.

LittleFlowerLei · Aug 10, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
Could be edited further. 'And saw' is filtering, and you know how I hate filtering.

idk, it sounds weird to me without the "And saw"

blacbird · Aug 10, 2009

I turned. There stood the older man with the cane.

There must be fifty ways . . .

caw

scarletpeaches · Aug 10, 2009

You could lose 'I turned'. If the old man's behind you, we know you turned to look at him.

I'll have your entire book down to fewer than ten words within a week!

blacbird · Aug 10, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
You could lose 'I turned'. If the old man's behind you, we know you turned to look at him.

I'll have your entire book down to fewer than ten words within a week!

But if she turned, then the older man isn't behind her anymore.

Ain't editing fun?

The point of the exercise, though, is to become really aware of what your words actually say. The more you do of it, the better and quicker you'll get at it.

caw

scarletpeaches · Aug 10, 2009

Bugger.

You got me.

blacbird · Aug 10, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
Bugger.

You got me.

Maybe we ought to have an Editing Slam.

caw

scarletpeaches · Aug 10, 2009

blacbird said:
Maybe we ~~ought to~~ should have an Editing Slam.

~~caw~~

Fixed it for ya.

LittleFlowerLei · Aug 10, 2009

xD I didn't know this would turn into an editing thread lol. Funny how that works, isn't it?

scarletpeaches · Aug 10, 2009

Aaaaanyway, yeah. I've never spent four hours on one sentence. If I did, I'd be worried about my ability to use the English language. Hell, these days I don't spend four hours on one chapter.

Some sections are more difficult to write than others, but meh. I fix them during the editorificationerising.

LittleFlowerLei · Aug 10, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
Aaaaanyway, yeah. I've never spent four hours on one sentence. If I did, I'd be worried about my ability to use the English language. Hell, these days I don't spend four hours on one chapter.

Some sections are more difficult to write than others, but meh. I fix them during the editorificationerising.

:O you can get through a chapter in four hours or less? DUDE it takes me at least a few days to get through a chapter! *Experiancing epic fail*

Adam · Aug 10, 2009

LittleFlowerLei said:
:O you can get through a chapter in four hours or less? DUDE it takes me at least a few days to get through a chapter! *Experiancing epic fail*

Don't try and compare your productivity with SP, you'll just upset yourself. Trust me.

scarletpeaches · Aug 10, 2009

LittleFlowerLei said:
:O you can get through a chapter in four hours or less? DUDE it takes me at least a few days to get through a chapter! *Experiancing epic fail*

Meh. I'm thirty-three now. I wrote my first (crappy) novel when I was eighteen. I've learned a lot in the intervening years, not least the necessity of locking up my internal editor until I've got the first draft done.

I'm not saying I don't care about the quality of my writing. Of course I do. But if I don't have a sentence complete in four seconds there's something wrong. Four hours? God. I'd rather do something more productive.

Now I'm really, really not saying that to get at you. Or indeed anyone. But I get jumpy if I sit around for four hours doing nothing. I could clean the entire house in that time. Make headway in my pile of ironing. Do the shopping. Go to the library.

I'm insane about making use of my time. Hell, I don't even like sleeping because I'm scared of missing something.

In the past nine, ten months, the biggest gap I've left between finishing one book and starting the next was three days. I had to be doing something instead of thinking about doing something.

Upshot is, as blacbird showed, the sentence you angsted over needs a lot of editing and I bet there's no difference in quality between the writing you angst over and that which comes easily. So the only change is in your attitude to writing, not the writing itself.

Adzmodeus said:
Don't try and compare your productivity with SP, you'll just upset yourself. Trust me.

Let us not speak of thethinker42...

LittleFlowerLei · Aug 10, 2009

Adzmodeus said:
Don't try and compare your productivity with SP, you'll just upset yourself. Trust me.

lol okay ^_^ I take it SPs a fast typer?

Adam · Aug 10, 2009

LittleFlowerLei said:
lol okay ^_^ I take it SPs a fast typer?

She's practically robotic, and sexy with it.

scarletpeaches said:
Let us not speak of thethinker42...

And she IS robotic.

scarletpeaches · Aug 10, 2009

Please to be not embarrassing me, thank you.

*blushes*

WHAT DO I FIND HARD TO WRITE?

Oh look, we're back on topic.

*cough*

Anything where I have to hurt the characters I care about.

There.

Bye now.

Adam · Aug 10, 2009

See? Sexy.

Adam · Aug 10, 2009

On topic - The things I find hard are sad scenes and love scenes. They ain't my strong suits, so they take a lot longer to write.

Libbie · Aug 10, 2009

Four hours?! Holy cannoli, girl! If you don't agonize over choosing the perfect words while writing drafts, your writing will progress much faster, and you'll feel like you're accomplishing more. If you can't think of a suitable sentence at all, maybe just jot down a quick note (for example, you could write, "NOTE TO SELF: I need to put some good description here of MC turning around to see the old dude with the cane.") And then move onto a bit of your book that feels more compelling and interesting to you. Fix those bits later on when you begin combing through the work to edit it.

You, too, can learn the secrets of the uber-prolific!

LittleFlowerLei · Aug 10, 2009

Libbie said:
Four hours?! Holy cannoli, girl! If you don't agonize over choosing the perfect words while writing drafts, your writing will progress much faster, and you'll feel like you're accomplishing more. If you can't think of a suitable sentence at all, maybe just jot down a quick note (for example, you could write, "NOTE TO SELF: I need to put some good description here of MC turning around to see the old dude with the cane.") And then move onto a bit of your book that feels more compelling and interesting to you. Fix those bits later on when you begin combing through the work to edit it.

You, too, can learn the secrets of the uber-prolific!

xD Yeah, it's probably my need to get everything just right before moving on that keeps me from finishing anything in less than maybe a year (considering all the writing, re-furbishing of plot, re-writing with the changes, and worrying about it being lame anyway that I wind up doing xD) but maybe I'll try to be less anal about what I write during the first draft. It'll be hard tho lol

and uber-prolific? that's the first time I ever heard that one! lol, you learn new things every day huh?

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