Help, please help!

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jun 29, 2005

Dear fellow AW members,

I am currently trying to write a very short story about the first time my 9 year old character tasted coffee. It needs to be uplifting with some kind of happy ending, but I am proving to be shocking at making such an ending.

The narrative so far -
Nicholas is struggling to sleep. It is Christmas Day, very early morning (say, 4:30am). He comes downstairs to make himself some hot milk with honey to find his Dad in the kitchen slumped over half-wrapped presents and a mug of this strange black liquid.
The problem is that I have gotten in too deep here. Nicholas is thinking that Santa has drugged his Dad and plans to take Nicholas to Lapland.

This is not turning into a very uplifting story. I always do this - turn stuff into a scary story of sorts.

Nicholas has to taste the coffee. That is the whole point of the story. I told myself just let the characters roll with this story and now I find Nicholas in some kind of drug mystery!

If anyone can think of how I can conjure up some kind of happy ending - then please help me help me!

Nique

James D. Macdonald · Jun 29, 2005

Nicholas has never seen coffee before?

Two possibilities:

Write the story the way it goes (Santa drugging dad, Lapland and all... neat folklore there), then look for a market that'll take it.

Or,

Start with Nicholas wanting to taste the coffee because he thinks it'll make him big and strong and grown up, and discovering that he can't afterward get to sleep. Hijinks ensue, as he discovers that he's awake while the world is dreaming, and he lives dreams. Moral being that adults live their dreams.

Bonnie Gibson · Jun 29, 2005

help

Let him taste the coffee and hate it and spew it all over his dad and his dad wakes up.

My grandchildren hate coffee. My little 7 year old makes a face when I ask her if she wants a cup.

Bonnie

James D. Macdonald · Jun 29, 2005

The trouble with coffee is that coffee is a drug, so any story about it will have drug overtones. To write an honest story you have to deal with them honestly. (Unless you can plausibly state that Nicholas' dad only drinks Decaf and make the audience belive it.)

What's the market for this story? And who's your audience?

Inspired · Jun 29, 2005

How about if he knows what coffee is.

He looks into his dad's coffee and thinks that something must be in there to make him go to sleep. How can he test it? 9 year olds might make the unwise choice of tasting it (not thinking about the consequences, if there is something mysterious in the coffee.) Not knowing what coffee tastes like, he may conclude that something awfully bitter was added, because there's no way millions of people would drink something that tastes that awful!

(I agree.)

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jun 29, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
Start with Nicholas wanting to taste the coffee because he thinks it'll make him big and strong and grown up, and discovering that he can't afterward get to sleep. Hijinks ensue, as he discovers that he's awake while the world is dreaming, and he lives dreams. Moral being that adults live their dreams.

That is a great idea James. Being the writer that I am, I think I would struggle to make a plot like that into one thousand words (in my first draft I am already at 900 at Nicholas has only just made it into the kitchen, nevermind tasted the coffee. An idea like that with that moral behind it is something I would love to get my teeth into and would be difficult to get into 1k.
Thanks for the idea though - I can feel that this story is going to develop into two seperate stories (discussed below).

Nique

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jun 29, 2005

Bonnie Gibson said:
Let him taste the coffee and hate it and spew it all over his dad and his dad wakes up.

I like that very much Bonnie Gibson. However, it has to end with a happy ending, leaving the reader 'feel like they have made a new friend.'
Thanks for the idea of him not liking it - I think I will have to roll with that one.

Cheers

Nique

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jun 29, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
The trouble with coffee is that coffee is a drug, so any story about it will have drug overtones. To write an honest story you have to deal with them honestly.

I had never thought of that suprisingly.

What's the market for this story? And who's your audience?

Well, its meant to be for a quick read on someone's website, which is geared towards people who like coffee and short stories about coffee. My audience is people who like fluffy and uplifiting stories with good morals behind them.

Nique.

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jun 29, 2005

Inspired said:
How about if he knows what coffee is.
He looks into his dad's coffee and thinks that something must be in there to make him go to sleep. ...there's no way millions of people would drink something that tastes that awful!

Thank you Inspired. I may well use that and mix it with Uncle Jim's second idea (in his first post) to make the short version for the audience I have already aimed at. However, some of the suggestions have gotten me thinking about letting myself roll with a darker version, where I can go into all the detail and fear I care to.
Thanks again

Nique.

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jun 29, 2005

Half way conclusions

Thanks for your ideas.

As I said above, I will try out doing 2 versions - the short and happy and the long and darker.

As Jim responsibly made apparent, I will have to discuss the effects of the the drug - which I will do in my darker version.
I think I will stick to the Santa drugging plot, and show the effects of the drug as Nicholas slowly gets more and more paranoid in the wee hours.

Who knows? There may even be sequels -
Eg - Nicholas brings his Dad back with the help of Fireman Sam (one of his presents), only for Sam to discover that their is a new threat who has been leaving calling cards at his crimes - small wisdom teeth.....

the tooth fairy has arrived...

I think I will try ot do two versions. What do you think? Any futrther ideas now that you know my target audience in a little more detail? Any further comments for either version?

Thank you for your help so far.

Nique

reph · Jun 29, 2005

NZoo, children shed baby teeth. Wisdom teeth arrive in late adolescence or early adulthood and are usually removed by dentists.

Since caffeine is a stimulant, if the story treats coffee realistically, why is Dad asleep?

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jun 30, 2005

reph said:
NZoo, children shed baby teeth. Wisdom teeth arrive in late adolescence or early adulthood and are usually removed by dentists.

It doesn't have to be Nicholas' tooth (he has a elder brother). I don't think that realism is likely to be a problem in this particular story.

Since caffeine is a stimulant, if the story treats coffee realistically, why is Dad asleep?

Its only suggested that he drank the coffee, perhaps he did not. Thanks for pointing out the holes though, it lets me make stronger bricks.

Nique

Inspired · Jul 1, 2005

One more thing - As Uncle Jim mentioned above, who's your audience? If you're going down a dark, drug road, I don't think you should make plans to have it published in kids' magazines. I don't know one that likes that kind of thing (but I could be wrong.) If this is more of an exercise to stretch your skills and your mind - have at it!

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jul 1, 2005

Inspired, thanks.

I think the darker version will just be a personal piece to get my juices flowing, and whatever may come of it would be a bonus.

I think my problem is that I became so involved with wanting there to be a poisoning that I completly lost what I needed (a happy story) - and a writer should be willing to sacrifice what they like for the good of the piece, especially when it is designed for a market.

So, I will probably end up with Nicholas walking in on Dad, asleep with the coffee near him (the stuff that he isn't allowed to drink as he is too young), he has to make a choice between drinking the coffee when Dad is asleep or seeing the half-unwrapped presents on the table before his Dad wakes up. When he is about to choose, Dad wakes up and they wrap presents together and his Dad gives him a sip saying he is old enough now.

or perhaps he takes a sip because he wants to see Santa and question him about what happened to his Dad and why the presents are not ready.

Thanks for your help. If either of those ideas get anything from you then please let me know. The help so far has been tremendous

maestrowork · Jul 1, 2005

Nique Zoolio said:
I think my problem is that I became so involved with wanting there to be a poisoning that I completly lost what I needed (a happy story) - and a writer should be willing to sacrifice what they like for the good of the piece, especially when it is designed for a market.

But that's the best part of writing... let the story take you where it wants to go, and what the characters want to do... write the story the way it SHOULD be told.

THEN worry about finding a market.

There's always a market for anything. Even if you make it so that Nicolas ends up killing Santa and setting the whole town on fire... there will be a market for it, somewhere.

The thing is, if you're dead set on having a happy story with a happy ending that you can submit to a parent/kid's magazine, then you're trying to force it. You're writing on assignment -- nothing wrong with that... many people do that. But you're robbing yourself of the true story you really want to tell. And the result might not be very satisfactary (or good).

Probably that's what your problem is... you try too hard to try to make the story what it isn't -- a happy, funny one... meanwhile, you've already written 900 words about other things... you're fighting your instinct, and the results can't be good...

Inspired · Jul 1, 2005

Yeah, you're right. I like writing to a market. I like outlining and everything.

I have one thing that I'm just letting fly free, but everything else is aimed toward certain publications.

You can ignore me. That's just the way I like to work.

Stephanie · Jul 1, 2005

I got thrown off at the age of the child - at 9, I think most kids these days no longer believe in Santa Claus. Can you make the character younger?

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jul 1, 2005

Steph - how old do you think he should be to believe? I must admit I do not have much contact with children these days.
Perhaps the fact that he is 9 could make him a more interesting character - he wants to be older and wiser but every year, he still finds himself up at 4:35am Christmas morning unable to sleep.
Sort of on the edge - he wants to be grown up, but can't help his nature/inner child side.
How old would you suggest? Thanks for your help.

Nique

Inspired · Jul 1, 2005

Good point. I hadn't even thought of that (my kids never did believe in Santa.)

I think most kids get wise by 7 or 8. Though, there are some who want to really hang on to that belief longer.

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jul 1, 2005

maestrowork said:
you're fighting your instinct, and the results can't be good...

I see what you are saying Maestro(?Ray isn't it?), but this story isn't even the closest to my heart. I am going to have to learn writing for a market sometime, and if I can't even do it for one thousand words then I am going to seriously struggle in the future.
I thankyou for your words though, and will certainly give this a full hearty go with my instinct in the drving seat, after I have proved to myself that I can do this writing for a market job-thingy.

Nique

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jul 1, 2005

Inspired said:
You can ignore me.

No way, Inspired you have been.

James D. Macdonald · Jul 1, 2005

Stephanie said:
I got thrown off at the age of the child - at 9, I think most kids these days no longer believe in Santa Claus.

Wait a minute! What are you saying? Not ... not ... there's no Santa Claus? Noooooooooooo!

[sob]

Stephanie · Jul 1, 2005

There, there, James....:Fairydust We'll just make this bad thing go 'way...

Perhaps the fact that he is 9 could make him a more interesting character - he wants to be older and wiser but every year, he still finds himself up at 4:35am Christmas morning unable to sleep.
Sort of on the edge - he wants to be grown up, but can't help his nature/inner child side.

My youngest (almost 7) is a firm believer; but my 9 yr old was informed otherwise by an older friend when she was only 5 or so. However, I do know of one boy who's a "young" 9 and a real innocent (the baby of the family).

If you make the character sort of street-smart or ultra-bright, then the belief in Santa may come across as contrived...unless he's sort of embarrassed by it ("Of COURSE, I don't believe in Santa Claus! Sheesh, waddya take me for, a 6 year old KID??")...

Anyway, just my 2 cents!

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse · Jul 1, 2005

Steph that two cents could prove to be priceless to me. Thanks.

Help, please help!

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