Is less more?

How much you need of what depends entirely on the story. I'm currently writing the pilot of a spec TV script and although I am planning to rewrite it, the scene itself will stay in there. It is a scene that is at least 2 minutes long and has only got 1-2 lines of dialogue. Since screenplays are a visual medium, describing the magic trick the MC was performing was clearly more important than anything he could've said.

That said, action lines can be dull, but you have to remember that they're not just there for entertainment, they're also the blueprint for what eventually gets done on set.

Unless Damon walks in like a penguin and slouches down on the couch, you're better off simply describing the ordinary dull stuff, but that doesn't mean the writing has to be dull. Perhaps you should try a thesaurus. When you say walk in and sit down, it doesn't really show anything. Does he saunter, run, dribble? Using a wider variety of words helps keeps your writing fresh, but you should be careful about pitfalls, don't use odd uncommon words that don't fit a situation.

The short answer is that you make it as long as it needs to be. Word choice can help you a lot.

Damon walks in. He takes a seat on the couch...then dialogue

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Damon clomps through the door, slinging mud from a pair of over-worn combat boots. He plops on the couch.

Damon creeps through the door. He tiptoes to the couch and sits, wary of making a sound.

Damon dances through the door ahead of his very angry sister. He's claimed her pink tulle tutu as a hat. He goes up en pointe, executes a clunky pirouette, and sits gracefully, arms extended as though taking a curtain call.

Damon stomps through the door, slams it, then opens it to slam it again. He MUMBLES incoherent jabber under his breath then plants himself on the couch. The ENVELOPE in his hand, he stabs in between the cushions.

Damon flies through the door. He makes a bee-line for the couch, folds his legs under him and grabs the remote in one motion.

curious1980 said:

Just a few things I've been told and wanted to verify. I've been told (by other screenplay writers) time and time again that action lines in a screenplay should be four lines at the most. I've noticed that a lot of writers don't follow that on here. Which makes me wonder if this is still the case or not.

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Whether or not others stick to 4 lines or less, methinks it's still a good rule of thumb, which I've seen gurus and pros recommend. It breaks up the text, helping the reader's tired eyeballs, and avoids "too much black." As well as encouraging the aspiring writer to write concisely rather than wordy.

Also, I've been told a bone dry script is better (more dialogue, less action lines). Is that true? How much is enough in an action line?

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Just the other day I saw an ad for a script in the freebie InkTip newsletter calling for a dialogue-driven script like Glengarry Glen Ross, which the prodco seeking scripts evidently thought would be easier to film in one location, all the actors had to do was talk. Next week, someone else could be looking for less dialogue and more action. Tough to predict these things. Finding some kind of balance between two is perhaps worth aiming for, so that with relatively minor edits the script can be tailored to suit what's wanted.

I always find my action lines being dull and boring (Damon walks in. He takes a seat on the couch...then dialogue). I write it like that because I'm trying to avoid so many things that I've been told aren't acceptable. How can I add more umph to my action lines without writing a novel or stating things that don't need to be stated? Some good examples would be helpful. Thanks.

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Try skipping the trivial stuff and open the scene with Damon already sitting with a drink in his hand facing Bob, who's in mid-speech. The "arrive late, leave early" approach. Just an idea. All we can do is throw "try this, or this" into the hat and see what might work best.

-Derek

All I can say is white space is your friend. You don't want too many single lines otherwise it seems forcefully spaced out, but you really don't want clunky paragraphs either or it can really bog down the read. The key is balance, same with dialog. You absolutely don't want pages and pages of dialog, you're left with talking heads doing nothing but sitting around and that gets boring fast.

Also your action should be interesting. If it's boring to you chances are it's extremely boring your reader and the last thing you want to do is bore your reader. You want them sitting up and paying attention, not slouching back casually flipping looking for something that might be remotely interesting before they fall asleep.

It's very hard to write long action sequences and keep them interesting. I know we all want to try - my primary spec has no dialogue until page 3, and there just one line. So what do you do? Break it up by keeping the locations dynamic, keeping the onscreen characters dynamic, and making sure what is happening - and not the way you describe it - is fascinating to the reader. Because what is happening is what the audience will see and hear, and that's all that matters - dressing it up with floral, novelistic or internal writing is a big fail in a script.

In terms of action, I've found breaking chunks of action into paragraphs that are more like bullet points for the scene. Keeps things flowing, establishes the key elements and leaves plenty of white space (which is a fashionable style at the moment).

In general terms, I'd suggest using ALL the RULES, merely as GUIDES.

Because (and this is why I was suggesting in the other thread that you put in the work and write several screenplays of your own on your own) the more you write, the more you will establish your voice/style and THAT will be what sells.

Look at scripts done by successful, working screenwriters and you will see they don't follow all the rules. Sometimes you'll see the rules applied, sometimes completely ignored, and there will be very little apparent reason behind why or why not. But you will see, I guarantee, they have a VERY definite style/voice that comes through.

And developing that happens over time with practice and work. You can't make it happen, it just does. Look on it like new shoes. At first they're uncomfortable, maybe rub in places, feel a little tight here, pinch a little there. But you wear them in and before you know it, they're the most comfortable shoes ever. When did that happen? You don't know. You just worked them and they started to fit and felt just right... just you.

Like your voice.

I always advise writers to try to keep it at 3, though the very best usually keep it at 2 while still saying a heckuva lot.

One of the best for this is Travis Beacham. Here's an example from the first 1.5 pages of his spec A KILLING ON CARNIVAL ROW that I think is terrific (full disclosure: I helped him sell this):

EXT. SEWER TUNNEL -- NIGHT

An archway at the end of an alley. Broken and bent long ago, crusted with moss. A trickle of water cuts through.

A SCREAM from within. Laboured BREATHING, the rapid SPLISH SPLASH of footfalls.

AISLING COBWEB, beautiful and intense, bursts from the tunnel into the narrow alley.

Her body, petite, young, and frail, tense with fear. From her back sprout a pair of large moth-like wings, fragile, intricate, frayed at the edges.

GASP.

Aisling Cobweb is a faerie. And she's running for her life.

She catches her tattered skirt on metal grating and stumbles face first. She turns, panicked.

In the darkness, distant at first, an eerie WAIL. Her eyes widen.

Aisling, flexes her wings, and takes to

THE AIR

with frantic agility. She flies, weaving between narrow alleys, dodging gas lanterns and sagging clothes-lines.

Her papery wings carry her swerving around tight corners.

She slams into the side of a steep inclined

ROOF

where she scrambles for a foothold on the slate shingles.

A black clawed hand grabs her ankle.

She kicks free and makes it to the pinnacle of the roof.

She leaps, flaps her wings, and climbs again into

THE NIGHT SKY

Above the rooftops.

Ahead of her, through the thick billowing fog, she sees the obscure shape of a tower bridge. She heads for the nearest

TOWER

and alights at the top between two gargoyles. Wincing, she stretches her wings. She hugs her knees and shivers.

She cautiously looks out over the city, gas lights diffused through the thick night fog. She looks down towards the river. No sign of her pursuer.

No sound except the river LAPPING against the moorings of the bridge far below and nearby doves COOING softly.

In a fluttering whirlwind, the doves suddenly scatter.

Aisling looks around. She dares not breathe.

Suddenly, A DARK SHAPE swoops in and snatches her from her perch. Aisling's piercing screams echo in the night as the struggling pair melts into the murky fog.

Rasping HISSES, the CRACKING of bones, and a ravenous wet SUCKING noise. Her screams dwindle to a hoarsed MOAN.

Like a rag doll, Aisling falls through the fog, limp, her wings raggedly shorn from her body. She lands in

THE RIVER

with a sickening SLAP.

Her violated corpse floats face down, drifting with the current, trailing a sparkling rainbow viscus of faerie blood.

Somewhere in the distance, a FOGHORN sounds.

TO BLACK

I'm reading that script, it's terrific stuff!

That is a really good, well-written sample.

mario_c said:

I'm reading that script, it's terrific stuff!

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curious1980 said:

Thanks Script A Wish. I appreciate it.

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icerose said:

That is a really good, well-written sample.

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Thanks, guys; glad you enjoyed it!