POV question

dianeP · Feb 19, 2009

Let's say I writing from Jill's POV. Jill is Tommy's mom, but this relation hasn't been mentioned yet. If I write:

Jill entered the kitchen and set her bag down.

"I'm hungry," Tommy said as his mom grabbed a cloth and wiped his mouth clean.

Would you assume that "mom" was a third person?

I've seen this kind of thing a few times recently in SYW and I wasn't sure if it was right or wrong. It gave me the impression, someone else might be in the scene.

TheIT · Feb 19, 2009

Yes, I would assume Tommy's mom was someone other than Jill. For Jill to refer to herself as "his mom" in this way is very awkward. If Jill is Tommy's mom and it's her POV, it makes more sense for her to think of "her son".

blacbird · Feb 19, 2009

Easy fix:

"I'm hungry," Tommy said. She grabbed a cloth and wiped her son's mouth clean.

(For another thing, wouldn't it be hard for him to talk as she wiped his mouth clean?)

caw

maestrowork · Feb 19, 2009

If it's Jill's POV, probably not referring herself as Tommy's mom here. I agree with blacbird that "her son" would be a better relation indicator from Jill's POV.

Or this:

Jill entered the kitchen and set her bag down.

"I'm hungry," her son said as she grabbed a cloth and wiped his mouth clean.

"Dinner will be ready soon, Tommy."

Kathleen42 · Feb 19, 2009

Yes. I would have assumed that there was a third person in the kitchen.

nevada · Feb 19, 2009

Better fix, because she wouldnt think of timmy as her son

Jill entered the kitchen and set her bag down.

"Mommie, I'm hungry" Timmie said and she grabbed a cloth and wiped his mouth clean.

"Dinner will be ready soon," she said.

maestrowork · Feb 19, 2009

nevada said:
Jill entered the kitchen and set her bag down.

"Mommie, I'm hungry" Timmie said and she grabbed a cloth and wiped his mouth clean.

"Dinner will be ready soon." ~~she said.~~

nevada · Feb 19, 2009

you just have to have the last word, don't you? lol but i agree. that could be left off easily.

blacbird · Feb 20, 2009

How about this:

"I'm hungry," Tommy said famishedly.

"As you know, Tommy, you are my son," Jill, his maternal mother, said parentally, "so I now have to clean your mouth."

caw

dianeP · Feb 20, 2009

Thanks everyone. That's what I thought, but I wanted to be sure.

maestrowork · Feb 20, 2009

blacbird said:
"I'm hungry," Tommy whined famishedly.

"As you know, Tommy, you are my son," Jill, his maternal mother, sighed parentally, "so I now have to clean your mouth!!"

caw

Fixed it for ya.

blacbird · Feb 20, 2009

maestrowork said:
Fixed it for ya.

I thank you with grateful gratitude.

caw

Devil Ledbetter · Feb 20, 2009

Wait. Why is his mouth dirty before he's even eaten?

blacbird · Feb 20, 2009

Devil Ledbetter said:
Wait. Why is his mouth dirty before he's even eaten?

I've seen lots of little kids with dirty mouths. I think it's in the genes.

caw

maestrowork · Feb 20, 2009

That's why Jill has soap ready at all times.

Those dirty little bastards.

POV question

dianeP

TheIT

Infuriatingly Theoretical

blacbird

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

Kathleen42

crushing on fictional characters

nevada

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

nevada

blacbird

dianeP

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

blacbird

Devil Ledbetter

Come on you stranger, you legend,

blacbird

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray