Would you read this book?

Horserider · Dec 23, 2008

I'm sorry I know this is in the wrong section, but my computer won't let me log into the SYW section and I need an opinion from somewhere. It's my paragraph summary. Like what goes on the back of the book.

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Claudia Fralsa lives in a world ruled by the Regelists and surrounded by members of an uprising group known as the Frihetens. Ever since her father died, times have been tough for Claudia and her mother, but things go from bad to worse when her best friend, Selma, is kidnapped after making a startling discovery. Determined to find her friend, Claudia sets off after her. Along the way, she meets new friends and enemies and continues along her path to a destiny she'd never imagined. [/FONT]

alleycat · Dec 23, 2008

Just an opinion . . .

You have a few interesting details, but it doesn't really draw me in. And the last line is really flat.

I think if I were you I would try to tell who Claudia is a little more, and also "punch up" the plot line.

Again, just an honest opinion. Feel free to ignore it.

Shady Lane · Dec 23, 2008

Not my style.

alleycat · Dec 23, 2008

By the way, do you want some help or suggestions to possibly improve it?

Horserider · Dec 23, 2008

Yes please I would love advice. This was just a quick paragraph I whipped up in about 10 minutes.

alleycat · Dec 23, 2008

First, you might want to look at what you've got now. Can you see that some of this is kind of "blah".

MAIN CHARACTER AND SETTING
Claudia Fralsa lives in a world ruled by the Regelists and surrounded by members of an uprising group known as the Frihetens. Ever since her father died, times have been tough for Claudia and her mother . . .

INCITING EVENT
. . . things go from bad to worse when her best friend, Selma, is kidnapped after making a startling discovery.

PLOT (MAIN CHARACTER'S GOAL)
Determined to find her friend, Claudia sets off after her.

CONFLICT / CHARACTER GROWTH
Along the way, she meets new friends and enemies . . .

RESOLUTION
. . . and continues along her path to a destiny she'd never imagined.

Horserider · Dec 23, 2008

Ok I can see how it wouldn't be that interesting in comparison with the thousands of other books out there.

alleycat · Dec 23, 2008

Remember, we're just talking about the summary. You might have a great book, but your synopsis doesn't show it.

A few suggestions that might work to improve it:

-Make the details of the story "stronger" and more specific.

-Make the character's main goal something a reader would find exciting and interesting and want to find out our more about ("I wonder what that's all about? What happens next?").

-At least hint at real growth, challenges, and change in the character as she strives to reach her goal.

Hapax Legomenon · Dec 23, 2008

Why had things been tough for Claudia and her mother? What sort of startling discovery did Selma make? What kind of position do they have in their society? Why does Claudia care so much about Selma that she'd go to such trouble? What kinds of friends? What kind of enemies? What makes them friends and enemies? What kind of destiny? Why destiny? Can she not be a normal girl who goes to such trouble, rather than having destiny involved? Does she learn anything else on her journey that she could have never imagined?

You know. To get you started, to keep it from sounding like every single fantasy book you've ever read.

Horserider · Dec 23, 2008

Why had things been tough for Claudia and her mother? What sort of startling discovery did Selma make? What kind of position do they have in their society? Why does Claudia care so much about Selma that she'd go to such trouble? What kinds of friends? What kind of enemies? What makes them friends and enemies? What kind of destiny? Why destiny? Can she not be a normal girl who goes to such trouble, rather than having destiny involved? Does she learn anything else on her journey that she could have never imagined?

To answer half of those questions shouldn't the reader have to read the story though? :Shrug:

Where's the fun in saying what the startling discovery Selma makes on the back of the book? I can see answered quite of few of them, but not all.

:e2writer:

Hapax Legomenon · Dec 23, 2008

Horserider said:
To answer half of those questions shouldn't the reader have to read the story though? Where's the fun in saying what the startling discovery Selma makes on the back of the book? I can see answered quite of few of them, but not all.

You don't get to write your blurb on the back of the book. Somebody else does that for you. If you're writing a summary, then you should have all of your plot in there, not just hinting at the plot. If you're trying to hook the reader or the agent, you can't just dangle an empty hook out there -- you've got to give them some meat with it!

I recommend you look at the queries in SYW to see how much and what kind of information is 'enough.'

Mythical Tiger · Dec 23, 2008

A little plain and original... But sure, I MIGHT read it.

Horserider · Dec 23, 2008

You don't get to write your blurb on the back of the book. Somebody else does that for you. If you're writing a summary, then you should have all of your plot in there, not just hinting at the plot. If you're trying to hook the reader or the agent, you can't just dangle an empty hook out there -- you've got to give them some meat with it!

I recommend you look at the queries in SYW to see how much and what kind of information is 'enough.'

Darn it I LOVE trying to write the little blurbs for the back of books.

Ok I added some more.

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Claudia Fralsa lives in a world ruled by the Regelists and surrounded by members of an uprising group known as the Frihetens. Scattered throughout their society is a group of people with special abilities known as Sarskilds. Claudia is the daughter of two Sarskilds, both Frihetens. Ever since her father died fighting for the Friheten cause, times have been tough for Claudia and her mother. They struggle under the Regelists oppressive rule just to survive among the lower class. Things go from bad to worse when her best friend, Selma, is kidnapped after making a startling discovery. Determined to find her best and only friend, Claudia sets off after her. She's plunged into a world filled with friends and enemies around every corner, as she continues along the path leading her to a destiny better than anything she ever imagined. [/FONT]

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']It's after midnight and I've got a Christmas party to go to tomorrow early, but I'll try to think of some more. [/FONT]

Stunted · Dec 24, 2008

This description just has no human element for me. Why do these groups hate each other? What the hell is a...srarskid? What kind of peril is this girl's friend in? What kind of relationship do these girls have? How has this girl's life changed due to the war? You need to look at it more from the girl's angle than from a world-wide view.

Horserider · Dec 24, 2008

Prologue
This is my world. Who am I? My name is Claudia Fralsa and I am 17 years old. I live in a world called Styra ruled by a group of people called the Alphi. The Alphi also call themselves regelists, a form of government they invented themselves. While most people believe the regelists are great, caring people who are selfless and donate their lives to protecting our rights, there is also a much smaller group of people called the frihetens. My parents are a member of this group. We believe that the regelists care only for themselves and the world would be better off if we all had more freedom. The frihetens are never allowed to grow in strength. Whenever we get large enough to provide a fair fight, the regelists arrange a way to eliminate most of us. While it is impossible to prove the regelists really cause these ‘accidents’ it’s well-known to the frihetens that they do things like that all the time. Finally, in my world there is a small group of select people with special abilities. They call themselves the Sarskilds. They have special abilities whose origins and qualities are mostly unknown. Few people outside their circle even know they exist and no one knows exactly where they stand on the Regelist vs. Friheten issue. However, this is my story.

That's the prologue.

trickywoo · Dec 24, 2008

I would want to know more about the setting. I read through the prologue but, honestly, it's bit dry. If you could somehow start in the action and show some of these conflicts, it might hook me.

But at this point, I'd probably put it back on the shelf. Keep working at it, though!!!

Horserider · Dec 24, 2008

How about now?

Claudia Fralsa is a normal 17-year old girl living under the oppressive rule of the Regelists. She goes to school where she gets outstanding grades and has a best friend named Selma. Her parents however are not at all normal. Both her mother and father are Sarskilds, people with special abilities, and Frihetens, members of an underground movement to rebel against the Regelists. Ever since Claudia father died fighting for the Friheten cause, however, Claudia and her mother have struggled to survive. Her mother works long hours in a thread-making shop struggling to bring home enough money for food.
Everything changes however when Selma makes a startling discovery: she's a Sarskild that can talk to plants. Claudia urges Selma to hide her new powers, fearing that she may be taken away if anyone else finds out about them. Selma agrees, but is kidnapped by the Sockte, an elite group of people dedicated to finding and kidnapping Sarskilds. Claudia is determined to go after her one and only friend knowing that she will always regret it if she stays behind and lets Selma face her fate alone.
Claudia proceeds on a long journey to find her friend. Along the way she meets new friends: Salty, a ship captain that agrees to take her to the island where Selma is being held; Erik, the second son of ruler Linjal Kristofer; Carina, a girl that can talk to animals; and Afton, a young horse that Claudia buys from her mother's cousin, Karolina.
When Claudia finally catches up with her best friend she is thrown into a world of friends and enemies, with danger around every corner, and ending with a destiny she could never have imagined.

Stunted · Dec 24, 2008

Yeah, see, I'd stop reading this as soon as the first non-real-world showed up. I have to reason to care about Reglist. I don't care that she's 17. I don't care about her at all. You should start out with something that establishes her character. Have her in a real moment, doing something I can sympathize with. Show, don't tell.

Cyia · Dec 24, 2008

Is this part of a querry or a book pitch? Because if so, it needs work.

Claudia Fralsa is a normal 17-year old girl living under the oppressive rule of the Regelists. She goes to school where she gets outstanding grades and has a best friend named Selma. Her parents however are not at all normal. Both her mother and father are Sarskilds, people with special abilities, and Frihetens, members of an underground movement to rebel against the Regelists. Ever since Claudia father died fighting for the Friheten cause, however, Claudia and her mother have struggled to survive. Her mother works long hours in a thread-making shop struggling to bring home enough money for food. You've presented an interesting new world in a very boring way. You need action verbs and get rid of the passive voice if at all possible. Also, stick to 1 or 2 names ESSENTIAL to the plot. Otherwise generalize so the reader doesn't go cross-eyed trying to figure out who's who. You've got at least 5 names of people / peoples here. That's WAY too many.

Everything changes however when Selma makes a startling discovery: she's a Sarskild that can talk to plants. Claudia urges Selma to hide her new powers, fearing that she may be taken away if anyone else finds out about them. Selma agrees, but is kidnapped by the Sockte, an elite group of people dedicated to finding and kidnapping Sarskilds. Claudia is determined to go after her one and only friend knowing that she will always regret it if she stays behind and lets Selma face her fate alone.
Claudia proceeds on a long journey to find her friend. Along the way she meets new friends: Salty, a ship captain that agrees to take her to the island where Selma is being held; Erik, the second son of ruler Linjal Kristofer; Carina, a girl that can talk to animals; and Afton, a young horse that Claudia buys from her mother's cousin, Karolina.

More members of the cast - stop piling the names on; you're using up precious space that you need for the plot.

When Claudia finally catches up with her best friend she is thrown into a world of friends and enemies, with danger around every corner, and ending with a destiny she could never have imagined. And you've told us almost nothing about what actually happens. You talke about fate and destiny, but don't explain what either are in relation to the story.

Try this. Pick ONE character (say Claudia) who is the focus of your story and retell this thing from her POV. (Not in 1st person). Follow her through the story and make sure each paragraph relates to her in some way.

I hope that helps.

Elidibus · Dec 25, 2008

Sorry, but the way I see things, I don't know that I would pick up this book had I glanced over it while at the B&M doing one of my "Let's see what these writer type people are doing" book searches.

Honestly, it sounds like you have a pretty good book on the shelf. But, as far as I'm concerned. Well, I'll quote a little bit here.

When Claudia finally catches up with her best friend she is thrown into a world of friends and enemies, with danger around every corner, and ending with a destiny she could never have imagined.

I'm sorry. But yours and every other book out there, really. Nothing really sticks out at all according to this. There needs to be some kind of catch. Something shown in these little words here that no other book has. Or at least described in a different kind of way that makes it intriguing. Sure, it's perfectly fine to have a book with these things in them, and I'm finding myself drawn to these kinds and similar books because I love a good "destiny quest" story. However, I'll be honest. I'm a broke dude and I don't have much money. Given the choice, I'd spend my money on another book that caught me just little more than this.

For me personally, I ask myself the question "Why is talking to plants grounds for a kidnapping?"

And a group dedicated to kidnapping Sarskilds? Um...what for? Why kidnapping? Do they hate them? Do they secretly worship them? Do they want to enslave them? Do they want to look inside their brains to see how they work and try and steal their powers? Do they like how they taste when roasted over an open flame?

Don't misunderstand these questions I'm asking as something like "Well, you'll have to read the book to find out" They're things I'm wondering, but not enough to buy to book for.

And also, the phrase "Kidnapped by the Sockte, an organization that specializes in finding Sarskilds and kidnapping them." Um...really? That's what my mind said when I read those lines. Reread that as an outside person and you'll get what I mean =)

And these opinions come strictly as a reader. I'm no where near as qualified as some of these people to give "writerly" advice, but I will offer some. If your book's not already finished, go ahead and finish it. Worry about the marketability later when it's 100% done and polished. A good story will always sell! If it is done, then disregard this advice. And, if it's done, hope that your computer can let you in the SYW section and post a few pages there. The people in those sections are awesome!

Good luck =)

Horserider · Dec 25, 2008

And also, the phrase "Kidnapped by the Sockte, an organization that specializes in finding Sarskilds and kidnapping them." Um...really? That's what my mind said when I read those lines. Reread that as an outside person and you'll get what I mean =)

Yeah I do see what you mean. Oops...better?

Selma agrees, but is kidnapped by the Sockte, an elite group of people dedicated to finding and Sarskilds to use for purposes unknown to anyone, but themselves.

You don't actually find out what they are using Sarskilds for until a little later in the story, but it is for experiementation to find out how their powers work.

And, if it's done, hope that your computer can let you in the SYW section and post a few pages there.

I will as soon as I can get it. For some reason it doesn't work for me. :Hammer:

We're working on it.

Elidibus · Dec 26, 2008

Horserider said:
Selma agrees, but is kidnapped by the Sockte, an elite group of people dedicated to finding and Sarskilds to use for purposes unknown to anyone, but themselves.

That actually sounds a lot better. My "reader me" likes the tone that sentence sets. Maybe if there were a way to create that same tone in your summary that would be cool. But don't write a summary just because of some internet dude or something. But, at least for me, it's a pretty good step in the right direction.

But my inner editor is calling here. I'd write that sentence this way.

"Selma agrees, but is kidnapped by the Sockte, an elite group of people dedicated to finding Sarskilds, for purposes unknown to anyone but themselves"

And I would go so far as changing the word "people" to something like "Agents" or "militants" I think replacing "people" would grant a better understanding of what kind of group this is. Heck, you could even call the Sockte an agency or something. Something with a little more color. Of course, I don't know about the background of the Sockte, so use whatever word fits for them

=)

Would you read this book?

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