Short film...Cant figure out how to end it

VisionaryProductions · Nov 22, 2008

alright so here is the synopsis to my first short film "Cargo"

This story is about a young man, named Carter Whitmier, who is working his way through college as a delivery driver, so he thinks. Whitmier, an honest and hardworking American, unwillingly finds himself on the wrong side of the law. His job, seemingly innocent, causes him to become a part of a terrorist scheme, a scheme that has Al Qaeda roots all over them. Unfortunately for Carter Whitmier, and thanks to the real terrorist involved, all leads are linked to him and him alone.

This may sound pathetic, but I cant figure out how the hell i am going to end it...anyone have any ideas?

whistlelock · Nov 22, 2008

Okay, in making the short what is your message?

That there are innocents caught up in this war?

That no one is innocent- we are somehow all complicit in the war?

Whatever it is you want to say- say it at the end.

dpaterso · Nov 22, 2008

Presumably he finds out somehow? And then he does what? Your synopsis is all background and no story. Does it play out like a violent episode of 24, or what?

-Derek

Fullback · Nov 23, 2008

Innocents are the victims of terror, so I think it has to end in tears... for Carter Whitmier.

VisionaryProductions · Nov 23, 2008

basically the film is quick and to the point....
Scene one-carter is in this abandoned home *the one he has been delivering packages too * trying to defuse a bomb, cops bust in on him arrest him.
Scene two- Detective Rollin's and Sloan are attempting to intimidate Carter and pressure him into signing a confession statement, he refuses to talk without a lawyer the two men leave the room leaving carter alone.
Scene three-the audience hears Carter's story as a narrative in his POV... "I guess you could say this proves that anyone can get themselves in trouble with the law" etc....
Scene 4 is the problem...I want the film to end by having another bomb present ...I was thinking of having it in the basement of the Police Station... as the cops feel they have taken care of their terrorist (Carter) the real one escapes, leaving only minutes for the bomb in the basement to explode.

This is where I am stuck..This can be no longer than 15 minutes...so it has to be brief...

Danny

VisionaryProductions · Nov 23, 2008

here is a more in-depth synopsis

The film starts out with Carter Whitmier a 20-year-old delivery truck driver by day, student by night running to the top level of a large parking lot in order to disengage a bomb scheduled to ignite in less than 5 minutes. Carter is stopped by a police squad lead by Detective Brian Rollins and is arrested at the spot for attempt of destructive terrorism, breaking an entry, and the holding of homemade explosives. Detective Rollins holds Carter in an interrogation room and begins his questioning as to why a man with no previous criminal record of any kind would perform such a serious crime. Carter, still confused at the fact that he is being accused aggress to tell Detective Rollins everything starting 2 months earlier at Frescot Deliveries where he was first introduced to the large unmarked packages sent directly from Korea addressed to William Carmichael. Holding to Frescot’s foreign import policy, Carter heads to the home to alert Mr. Carmichael of the necessary investigation required in order for continuing the delivery of the packages. At the door of the home Carter finds an note stating “Do your Job” with a check underneath for $1,000. Carter decides to take the money due to his current financial situation. Weeks go by, Carter continues to delivery the packages weekly, until one day while on his final stop a package in the back of his truck explodes causing his truck to swerve out of control. Being that the only package on the truck was the one directed to Mr. Carmichael, Carter realizes that he has been delivering piece-by-piece parts to some sort of bomb. Scared at what was at stake with his future, Carter decides to go stop Mr. Carmichael himself, by breaking into the home to find a map marked with the bombs location. Looking into Carter’s explanation, Detective Rollins finds no evidence of any William Carmichael ever living at that address or Erving, leaving the blame entirely on Carter. Mr. Carmichael leaves the town without any suspicion or trace except for a small surprise in his basement.

Joe Calabrese · Nov 23, 2008

Personally and I may be wrong, but I think you have too much to be told in a short film, but be that as it may...

First thing I ask myself is what is the moral, the point, or the message you want to convey to your audience.

Second thing that comes to mind as I read your synopsis is realism. Anyone suspected of terrorism is automatically questioned by Homeland Security and your miranda goes out the window. Local police are out of the loop almost immediately. Good luck getting a lawyer.

Also how did the police come to burst in on Carter? A tip? Carter himself called them?

If the policy for the delivery company is to investigate these type of packages and they are coming from Korea they would be in a distribution warehouse before going out to delivery and would be inspected there or even more realistic is at the US customs who inspect the packages before going to the warehouse? Then why would a driver be getting the package?

As for the bomb in the police basement. Where's the setup for this. You can't just have a bomb show up there. Too much of a dramatic coincidence.

You have some good meat to your plot but I don't see a strong skeleton to attach the meat to. Once you think of the broad strokes put a more detailed synopsis up. I look forward in seeing what you come up with.

VisionaryProductions · Nov 23, 2008

I think you might be right...my teacher told me the same thing...I am a high school senior and this is my final project for my Film/Video Production class.... Its almost like the film is too complicated for me to even do....

zeprosnepsid · Nov 23, 2008

The thing with most short films, that differ from a Feature, is that they usually focus on one gag, one twist, one gimmick. That's about all you can effectively portray in a short period of time. So it's kind of important that you actually come up with the ending first, because with shorts, that's pretty much what your movie is.

I think you may be thinking more in Feature terms. In film school I did a lot of shorts and got used to it, but for a while now I've been doing Features, then lately I tried to go back to shorts and it was really hard. It's a different format, a different mindset.

But yeah, an effective short focuses on one thing. So I'd figure out what your one message/theme/twist/gag whatever is and go from there. Maybe you could put this idea away to develop into a Feature later.

I'm sure you've seen a million Features, but why not hit the web and watch some shorts? I know the 5 Oscar nominated shorts from last year were available on iTunes at some point, I don't know if they still are.

nmstevens · Nov 23, 2008

VisionaryProductions said:
I think you might be right...my teacher told me the same thing...I am a high school senior and this is my final project for my Film/Video Production class.... Its almost like the film is too complicated for me to even do....

I'll tell you exactly what your problem is.

Your problem is that you have chosen the wrong point of view for your story. That point of view gives your audience too much information too soon.

By choosing the point of view of the "innocent person accused of the crime" you have chosen the problem -- that problem is -- your protagonist has been falsely accused -- how can he escape?

But the boundaries of your story don't allow that problem to be adequately solved -- and having another bomb go off in the basement of the police station certainly doesn't solve it.

In fact, once he's arrested, his ability to do pretty much anything is reduced to virtually zero.

You need to change the point of view. Make it the POV of the investigators. They have a crime -- the terrorist act. They have a suspect -- this guy who made the delivery. We -- the audience, don't know whether he's guilty, an innocent bystander, whether he's being framed. We, then, are in the position of the main character -- the one who is trying to find out the truth.

And we follow him -- the Lead Detective, as he attempts to put the pieces together.

And the final piece, whatever it is, leads him (and us) to the conclusion that this guy (and we've probably been sort of hoping that he's innocent) -- is actually guilty. He did it.

To make that work, you'd probably want a good cop/bad cop struggle over the question of his guilt -- and in the end -- no question. Here's the final proof. He did it.

And then -- the twist -- that final "proof" -- whatever it is, the bit of the transmitter that forensics found inside the pizza box, or whatever -- we see somebody delivering the same pizza boxes to the police station, the same transmitters inside the same boxes.

Only, it doesn't have to be pizza boxes, it doesn't have to be a transmitter -- it just should be whatever the final piece is that nails the innocent guy -- that should be whatever it is that we ID as being the thing that's about to blow up the police station.

NMS

Hillgate · Nov 24, 2008

Maybe watch 'Arlington Road' for some inspiration (if you haven't already).

VisionaryProductions · Nov 24, 2008

Hillgate said:
Maybe watch 'Arlington Road' for some inspiration (if you haven't already).

THANKYOU GREAT MOVIE...I have really made some updates on my story I will post them later

Short film...Cant figure out how to end it

VisionaryProductions

whistlelock

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dpaterso

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Fullback

VisionaryProductions

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Joe Calabrese

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zeprosnepsid

nmstevens

What happened?

Hillgate

On location

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