How would you write this sentence?

seun · Aug 28, 2008

Quick question: how would you write this line? None look right to me.

[FONT=&quot]The remains of a WWII lookout bunker were close to the cliffs.

The remains of a Second World War lookout bunker were close to the cliffs.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The remains of a World War Two lookout bunker were close to the cliffs.[/FONT]

regdog · Aug 28, 2008

The remains of the World War 2 lookout bunker were located close to the cliffs.

The remains of the World War 2 lookout bunker were found close to the cliffs.

CaroGirl · Aug 28, 2008

I'll differ by suggesting:

The remains of a WWII lookout bunker sat close to the cliffs.

Ms Hollands · Aug 28, 2008

Does the fact that it's from WWII matter? Can you not say:

The remains of an old army bunker was decaying near the cliffs.

Prozyan · Aug 28, 2008

April Hollands said:
The remains of an old army bunker was decaying near the cliffs.

My vote.

If WW2 is important, maybe "The remains of an old army bunker, perhaps a relic from World War Two, was decaying near the cliffs."

Priene · Aug 28, 2008

A few metres back from the cliff's edge, the bunker's concrete walls were crumbling and leaching rust.

san_remo_ave · Aug 28, 2008

Do you need to say WWII or could you use another adjective that shows us it's WWII, for example:

The remains of a Nazi lookout bunker were close to the cliffs.
The remains of an Allied lookout bunker were close to the cliffs.

Assuming this is a european bunker as opposed to a pacific bunker, of course....

Ervin · Aug 28, 2008

The broken rubble, rusted metal frame, and old unused bullets of the WWII bunker lay scattered along the rocky cliff side.

Viral · Aug 28, 2008

Near the cliffs lay the remains of an army bunker.

tehuti88 · Aug 28, 2008

I would go with the WWII one (though I'd choose a more active verb than "were," maybe something like "sat"), but I think this is just because that's what I'm most used to seeing the war referred to as. (Ugh...I know that sentence was not very grammatically sound. Sorry.) Though when I think about it now, "WWII" does look weird in narration. But the other two options seem clunky because I'm not used to seeing it referred to that way.

"World War II," maybe...? I think I'd lean toward that.

sunandshadow · Aug 28, 2008

Viral said:
Near the cliffs lay the remains of an army bunker.

I would make cliff singular, because you can only have one cliff in a given place even if there are several in the area. Or you could make the mental image clearer by specifying whether this is the foot of a cliff or the top edge of one. Being a lookout bunker I imagine it's on the top, possibly looking out over the ocean? Might be nice to have some colors or other adjectives in there too, if this sentence is supposed to be setting a scene.

blacbird · Aug 28, 2008

I don't like the word "remains", which I think leads to a clumsy verb usage. I'd suggest something like "Near the cliffs was a decaying WWII Army bunker." Or, if your POV permits, perhaps something more active, like "We found near the cliffs a decaying WWII Army bunker."

caw

dpaterso · Aug 28, 2008

"The remains of a WWII lookout bunker" would be my choice.

"were close" is weak and seems the bigger problem.

-Derek

IceCreamEmpress · Aug 28, 2008

Near the cliffs lay the ruins of a lookout bunker from the Second World War.

FennelGiraffe · Aug 28, 2008

"A decaying WWII lookout bunker huddled on the cliff."

maestrowork · Aug 28, 2008

A WWII lookout bunker had crumbled near the edge of the cliffs.

DeleyanLee · Aug 28, 2008

The shadow of the cliffs touched upon the remains of a World War II bunker.

blacbird · Aug 28, 2008

All of which suggestions demonstrate that many colors of cats can all catch mice (to paraphrase Deng Xiao-Ping). My personal rule o'thumb is that if I have a sentence that bothers me, I probably should find an entirely different way to express it.

caw

sheadakota · Aug 28, 2008

blacbird said:
All of which suggestions demonstrate that many colors of cats can all catch mice (to paraphrase Deng Xiao-Ping). My personal rule o'thumb is that if I have a sentence that bothers me, I probably should find an entirely different way to express it.

caw

Blackbird is wise

KTC · Aug 28, 2008

IceCreamEmpress said:
Near the cliffs lay the ruins of a lookout bunker from the Second World War.

Bravo. Yes. My choice.

SPMiller · Aug 28, 2008

Depends entirely on the narrative voice. I can't give you an answer unless I know who's talking.

Miss Java · Aug 28, 2008

blacbird said:
All of which suggestions demonstrate that many colors of cats can all catch mice (to paraphrase Deng Xiao-Ping). My personal rule o'thumb is that if I have a sentence that bothers me, I probably should find an entirely different way to express it.

caw

I'm going with this one.

There are many ways to accomplish the same goal. It doesn't mean that one is better than the other; each one is subjective.

My only suggestion would be to make it more of a show than a tell. (But I'm sure you've heard that sort of thing before).

SPMiller · Aug 28, 2008

Yes. Aside from the lack of specific detail--which you presumably provide elsewhere in the paragraph--the sentence raises some questions about the narrator and what she can possibly know about what she's seeing.

- How does she know it's a bunker?
- How does she know it was used for lookout purposes?
- How does she know it was built for World War II?

Mumut · Aug 28, 2008

My editor has accepted World War Two in my newly published novel Rudigor's Revenge.

Mumut · Aug 28, 2008

SPMiller said:
Yes. Aside from the lack of specific detail--which you presumably provide elsewhere in the paragraph--the sentence raises some questions about the narrator and what she can possibly know about what she's seeing.

- How does she know it's a bunker?
- How does she know it was used for lookout purposes?
- How does she know it was built for World War II?

When you see a WWII lookout bunker you obviously know all those things. Bunkers in places like along the Chanel coast or in the sandhills north of Liverpool are concrete fortifications, looking out to sea, with slits to look out of and fire out of. Their materials tell you they are recent (rather than, say, medieval) but anyone in those areas would have to be stupid NOT to know about them.

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